Kindness

[jpaigeadams]

For me, one of my big issues is compassion/kindness. I have a 3 yr old boy and a 1 yr old girl. I know that they are very little still and haven't fully (or even that partially) developed empathy yet. But of course, it's never too early to start talking about it, right? So I have 2 rules that I state (over and over): we don't hurt people, and we're kind to each other. But I've been thinking that maybe I'm putting too much pressure on, or making too big a deal of it? Maybe I should just have the one rule, we don't hurt each other, and leave it at that? I can't force them to be kind, but I can ensure that they don't hurt each other. Basically, I'm worried that I'm pushing this issue (being kind) too much, and worried that it will backfire on me. Any thoughts/advice/suggestions? Thanks!

[LittleBattleAxe]

It doesn't sound to me like you are overemphasizing things. Children even that young are learning values from you, and while it may not be that you see any evidence of your work right now, you are indeed planting seeds. I think that children learn a great deal from how grown-ups behave, and it's always good to be mindful of how you treat others. If you treat someone who is perceived to be of a very low status the same as you treat someone who is a figure of authority, which is to say, with respect and civility, and you do this habitually (ie, not to make a point, but because it's your nature) your very fortunate children will lean lessons that they may not be able to articulate for years to come -- but they will learn! I love the idea of teaching kindness -- I think it leads to tolerance and compassion, things we need more of in the world.

[MariaMadly]

We brought ours to ages 20 and 17 with only one rule: "don't hurt anyone." The times they have most articulately showed kindness as young adults have been the results of whatever effort we were able to extend when they were the ages yours are now. Your kindness towards them speaks so loudly, and it takes the pressure off having to talk about it as much. It takes a long time to see and feel the results, but it takes a deep hold. Best advice I can think of is enjoy them, and let them see you doing it!

[quietserena]

I used to say "don't hurt people" but then had to redefine when they started to pester the cat...

"Be gentle please" has replaced that phrase, mostly because I can apply it to just about everything. And then I heard my 3.5yo DD say that to another kid yesterday. I was quite proud! (She retrieved a little bag of cereal that the other kid took from my younger one, and said "please, give that back" and when the other kid started to get upset, she put a hand on his arm (!) and said "Be gentle please")

My only concern with too many 'slogans' as I call them is that I'm afraid the kids will think they are somehow mutually exclusive. But, I think this is a baseless fear.

I've also done "Love you sister, don't hurt your sister" after some incident but that can also backfire into wrestling hugs.

I swear some days it appears as if kids are put on this planet to teach adults that words can have a whole array of meanings!

[LynnS6]

I don't think it hurts but I have a recommendation and a question.

The recommendation is: Instead of saying "don't hurt people" I'd phrase it positively. We too use "Be gentle". "Be gentle" tells them what to do. "Don't hurt" focuses on what not to do, which is hard.

The question is: What does behavior look like when they're being 'kind'? I find 'kind' to be a bit vague, especially for concrete thinkers such as toddler and preschoolers. I think an 8 year old can understand 'kind', but a 2 year old? And even an 8 year old would benefit from hearing: "Keep your voice gentle" or "help your sister" rather than the more generic 'be kind'.

I raise this only because it helps my kids to know exactly what specific behaviors I'm expecting of them.

[MariaMadly]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

The recommendation is: Instead of saying "don't hurt people" I'd phrase it positively. We too use "Be gentle". "Be gentle" tells them what to do. "Don't hurt" focuses on what not to do, which is hard.

The question is: What does behavior look like when they're being 'kind'? I find 'kind' to be a bit vague, especially for concrete thinkers such as toddler and preschoolers. I think an 8 year old can understand 'kind', but a 2 year old? And even an 8 year old would benefit from hearing: "Keep your voice gentle" or "help your sister" rather than the more generic 'be kind'.

You raised a point about a distinction I failed to make in my pp (#3). The rule is "don't hurt anyone," but we rarely phrased it that way. When they did something that in any way hurt another person or animal (that's why we used "anyone" rather than "people"), then we would intervene and say "that hurts So-and-so." It was presented as the reason one wouldn't do, or would stop doing, certain things rather than a thou-shalt-not. Our main concern was that our sons pull back from something they're doing because another may suffer from it, not because it could cost them if they're caught.

And you answered your own question about explaining what "kind" behavior looks like. When you're specific about a kindness you either observe or request, just include the word when it's possible. "It was kind of you to help your sister." "It would be kinder to speak to John in a gentle voice, and he may be more comfortable talking about it."