Really need to hear that this will get better!

[lessmith23]

DD is almost 10 months old and lately we've been in a really dark place due to her sleep which has pretty much sucked since she was 3.5 months old. She currently wakes anywhere from every 30 min -2 hours and has been for ages. She and I sleep in a double bed in one room while DH sleeps in another. The 3 of us used to sleep together but it's too hot and DH snores and no one was getting any sleep so we've had this arrangement in place for a few months.

I'm not sure if this is typically of moms who have poor sleepers but lately I've been feeling so down and questioning EVERY parenting choice I've made up until this point. I can't help but feel we're in this situation because of something I've done (like I should have pumped more and given her more bottles, should I lay with her until she falls asleep? Should I not have nursed her to sleep? etc., etc.). The crazy part is it's so unlike me. I'm usually a person who never cares what others think and do my own thing but here I sit feeling like a truly incompetent parent because I have a child who is such a poor sleeper.

I'm just so exhausted on a daily basis because it feels like our whole lives revolve around DD's sleep. How long did she sleep/nap? When did she get up? How many total hours of sleep is she getting? It's like it's all DH and I discuss.

Also lately I've been so desperate I'm looking for anything that might help. I've even considered nightweaning and weaning her onto formula in the hopes it will help.

Anyway, I think I'm just having a hard time believing that things will get better and it won't be because we've "done" anything. Especially when I'm in the minority of people we know who all seem to have kids that have no sleep trouble. I honestly don't think I can handle anymore comments, looks or "suggestions" from others at this point. I'm totally at my limit.

Thanks for listening!

[penstamon]

I'm right there with you. DS is around the same age too and I have been very depressed about our sleep troubles for a long time now. It really does consume my life. People often make comments or ask questions or give us suggestions that are worthless so I try not to talk about it much anymore. I have reached the conclusion that no one can really understand (except those that have BTDT). Sleep deprivation really is torture.

You are not an incompetent parent. I'm sure that is just the sleep deprivation talking. We have talked about nightweaning too, but I've decided to wait until at least 12 mo. I really think weaning to formula would be a poor choice for many reasons and would not help with sleep.

I know how hard it is, but we all will get through this. If you search around on this board you will find many positive stories about terrible sleepers STTN and someday our babies will too. I think accepting the situation is a great mental step to at least help you with the despair. Also, increasing my exercise level and concentrating on improving my health in other ways has helped battle the depression. DH and I try not to dwell on DS's sleep too much and just expect that it will be bad. As long as you know your DD is healthy (gaining well, reaching milestones, happy/playful), then she is fine and don't worry too much about her. Just try to find little things to take care of yourself. I wish I had better advice but I still struggle a lot and keep telling myself that "this too shall pass" maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe next year, but eventually we will look back on it like a bad dream.

On a positive note, we have seen some small improvements since we hit bottom at around 5 months or so. DS will often get 4 or 5 hours stretches at the beginning of the night (before DH and I go to bed) and maybe two nights a week he will only wake up 3-4 times instead of 5-8. It helps us survive!

[Jayray]

It was also bad for us from 3.5 months through 10 mo. DS is almost 12 mo and things have been better for about a month. On his own he started waking less--we're down to 1-3 wakings per night (avg. 2)--although he has been waking at 5 for the day. It will get better.

We have done things to try and change his sleep, but I am not convinced that any of them really helped. I do notice that *generally* when he has two good naps and the last one doesn't end too far from bedtime that he sleeps better and wakes later in the night. We also transitioned to a crib around 6 months. While this didn't seem to help in the short run, I think it has helped in the long run. He definitely wakes more often (or I wake more often?) when he's in bed with us.

[Altair]

You don't have to go 100% nightweaning. You can start limiting night nursing at this age if you are really suffering, and have Dad step in. There are many people who get immense relief from picking 1-2 times to nurse at night and then letting dad co-sleep the rest of the time. When I started this just before 12 months I picked 7PM bedtime, then I'd nurse at midnight and 5AM. If baby wanted to nurse in between then I left the room and he settled for Daddy. Those 5 hours of solid sleep were amazing. You are not abandoning your baby or doing CIO, Dad is just as much of a loving parent as you are and you do not need to be the martyr!

My opinion may be different than others on here, but I suffered an awful first year with sleep and once I made the decision to limit (and eventually cut out) night nursing, and transition to a crib next to the bed instead of sidecar... my life got SO much better. My now 14 month old sleeps so well now and there wasn't a lot of crying involved in the slow transition, and every bit of fussing was in a parent's arms. I honestly think I'd still be getting awful sleep if I didn't step up and teach him how to sleep without my constant help gently. Mom's needs matter too.

[zamia7]

Originally Posted by lessmith23

DD is almost 10 months old and lately we've been in a really dark place due to her sleep which has pretty much sucked since she was 3.5 months old. She currently wakes anywhere from every 30 min -2 hours and has been for ages. She and I sleep in a double bed in one room while DH sleeps in another. The 3 of us used to sleep together but it's too hot and DH snores and no one was getting any sleep so we've had this arrangement in place for a few months.

I'm not sure if this is typically of moms who have poor sleepers but lately I've been feeling so down and questioning EVERY parenting choice I've made up until this point. I can't help but feel we're in this situation because of something I've done (like I should have pumped more and given her more bottles, should I lay with her until she falls asleep? Should I not have nursed her to sleep? etc., etc.). The crazy part is it's so unlike me. I'm usually a person who never cares what others think and do my own thing but here I sit feeling like a truly incompetent parent because I have a child who is such a poor sleeper.

I'm just so exhausted on a daily basis because it feels like our whole lives revolve around DD's sleep. How long did she sleep/nap? When did she get up? How many total hours of sleep is she getting? It's like it's all DH and I discuss.

Also lately I've been so desperate I'm looking for anything that might help. I've even considered nightweaning and weaning her onto formula in the hopes it will help.

Anyway, I think I'm just having a hard time believing that things will get better and it won't be because we've "done" anything. Especially when I'm in the minority of people we know who all seem to have kids that have no sleep trouble. I honestly don't think I can handle anymore comments, looks or "suggestions" from others at this point. I'm totally at my limit.

Thanks for listening!

I could have written your post. It has gotten slightly better, we wake up 2-5x a night instead of 10+. Im still exhasted, and now every single nighttime diaper I use leaks, no matter how many times I change him over night. I have tried all cloth all the sposies. nothing. Its a frustration I don't need right now.

[lessmith23]

Originally Posted by Altair

You don't have to go 100% nightweaning. You can start limiting night nursing at this age if you are really suffering, and have Dad step in. There are many people who get immense relief from picking 1-2 times to nurse at night and then letting dad co-sleep the rest of the time. When I started this just before 12 months I picked 7PM bedtime, then I'd nurse at midnight and 5AM. If baby wanted to nurse in between then I left the room and he settled for Daddy. .

I am really interested in this approach. Is is safe for DD at this age to sleep alone with DH? He's totally on board with helping but sleeping with DD (without me) has always made him nervous and I'd like to quell his fears (if possible).

DD will fall asleep for DH and will accept comfort from him during the night about 90% of the time so I feel like this might work.

[Altair]

Well, it's always been safe for my comfort level, but I've made sure the bed is safe. It's not too far off the ground and he can get down himself, and one side is blocked by the crib (was sidecared at that time) so Dad just sleeps on the outside. Dad onlyhas one pillow. They actually have been sleeping together alone since 8 weeks because I leave for work at 6AM and Dad and baby stay asleep until 9AM together. At 10 months my baby was perfectly capable of moving away from any obstruction (pillow or blanket) and it just didn't concern me at all.

I read NCSS and the Gordon weaning and combined them and kinda made my own. What I took away from NCSS wasn't any particular method, but just the idea that I COULD alter our sleep habits in a healthy, gentle way through a reeeeeeally gradual weaning myself away from the process.

So we started with night wakings every 30 minutes, night nursing and co-sleeping. Over a 2-3 month process we're now at STTN from 7PM-5AM in crib next to our bed, then coming into bed and nursing at 5 and going back to sleep until 9AM.

What worked for me was taking things super slow, and waiting until he was comfortable with each stage before moving onto the next. Bedtimes took a LONG time and night wake-ups took longer during this stage, but it's been sooo worth it!

so every stage was half a week to a week, and some were a few weeks.
I broke it down, starting with just nursing a little less at night, always trying other means first, unless it had been 3-4 hours, but not stressing this too much. After a few weeks did the 12-5 thing, then just 7-5. Dad helped A LOT. This was combined with doing the following to help him sleep without my help so much:

here's what I typed out before:
step 1- Start: Sidecar crib
2- I started by putting up the 4th side of the crib and putting him in there asleep,
3- then awake but almost asleep and rubbing his back,
4- then more awake and rubbing, (during this time I'd bring him into bed after the midnight wakeup though),
5- then I started putting him in the crib but not rubbing him but sitting right there with my head leaned over and laying him back down with a kiss every time he got up,
6- then putting him in the crib and going to the other side of the bed and reading still laying him back down every time he got up,
7- then now I finally transitioned into leaving the room after laying him down and coming back immediately for any cries.



There wasn't any real crying in any of this. It's just so easy now it feels criminal. We go into nurse on my bed, then he eventually finishes that and asks for the pacifier, then we cuddle and I sing him "stay awake" from Mary Poppins, then he lunges for the crib and I kiss him and leave him and I leave the room and 9 times out of 10 that's it! If he cries at all I go right back in and kiss him and lay him back down and that's it. Same with any nightwakings, just kiss and lay back down if they (rarely) happen.

If this came out confusing let me know and I'll clarify.

[NEastMomma]

Wow, I think we have the same baby! You are describing my DS's (almost 10 mos) sleeping habits to a "T"! One difference: he will not, under any circumstances, accept comfort from DS if he wakens at all. It's just me and my boobs.

I don't know how I haven't gone crazy from sleep deprivation yet. I try and practice radical acceptance of the fact that baby is a frequent waker and people who say their baby STTN are lying liars who lie, right? Right???

Anyway, gooooood luck with your plan for making changes. I know people have had great success with gentle methods. I like the plan the PP outlined. And I plan on making some gentle changes once summer comes and I'm off work and can "sleep in" a little.

[Louisep]

Big hugs mama, as you already see you are not alone.

I wanted to write because I was in your position 6 months ago. I was depressed about it too. I wore myself out even more by trying to find solutions before just accepting it and realizing that my dear baby is just too busy with the world to relax in to peaceful night long sleep. It is common for babies in their first year of life to be like this and now I am out the other side, I believe it is within the realm of normal.

Take heart, it passes, your baby will sleep eventually. Thing started to improve for us at 12 months. He dropped to one nap so was super exhausted by 6pm when I would put him down for the night. We started getting a longer stretch at the beginning of the night (maybe 3 hours). Around this time we partially night weaned, although it did not have any immediate effect on the wakings, it did help Dad get involved and take some of the pressure off me.

We then went through another very rough patch when ALL the remainder of his teeth came through at 14 months. As soon as that last tooth broke the surface, he began sleeping through (waking once or twice a night).

DS self-weaned at 14 months and he still doesn't sleep 12 hours solid. But we're in a very good place and DH takes him one night, and I the next.

Regarding night weaning - I just want to say that I really think it depends on the baby's personality. My boy was never very attached to the boob, even when he was waking every 1 to 2 hours, nursing worked about 60% of the time. So night weaning really didn't help the number of wakings. However, from reading the experience of other mothers on here, it does seem that if your baby is very attached to nursing, night weaning might help but only when they are ready for it.

One last thing. I think the best thing you can do right now is come up with a plan to maximize YOUR sleep. DH and I worked out a plan where he would take DS in the morning as soon as he woke for as long as he could before he had to go to work and I SLEPT. At the weekends, he would take DS for longer until he needed to nurse and nap. These lie ins saved my sanity and made me feel well again. I also without fail napped with DS every. single. time. I didn't always sleep, but I rested. I made my sleep a priority in our lives and that helped me manage DS's sleep and be a nicer wife too

You are going to be just fine. I did at one point go to a counsellor in my darkest moment. I can't say it helped me, but don't hesitate to explore some healing options for you. I also started going to acupuncture which helped me rejuvenate and give me more energy.

[karika]

when the baby wakes up it is to latch on and nurse, right? I sleep right through it generally. I also make a point of going to bed with the baby every time she goes to bed, which is 14 hrs a day (12 hrs in our big sleep and a nap (now I sometimes do other stuff while she naps instead of lie with her, but that is recent)), so I get sleep plenty. dd2 was staying latched on pretty much all night with only a few hours unlatched until 2-3 months ago (she is almost 18 mo now). Now she nurses down, then unlatches and rolls over a bit, sleeping for 5-7 hrs, then we wake and both pee (we EC) and nurse back to sleep for 5-7 hrs. Sleep is a priority to me, and eating and drinking water. My body is supporting another human and it needs all the help it can get... If you are at a breaking point, have your partner parent after you nurse so you can get a few hours sleeping alone. With dd1, her father would take over on sat morn frequently, bringing her to me only if she needed to nurse. He would latch her on to me and let her nurse, then take her back out with him. It will get better very soon IMO. One day you will notice they are sleeping right through. dd1 is an excellent sleeper now and she was a frequent nurser at night too. hoping i gave you hope

[nefesh]

Wow, yes, I remember the awful patch of sleep around 10 mos! Up until then, my DD had really only slept 2-3 hours at a time, at most, and needed to nurse each time to go to sleep. Daddy just wouldn't do after about 3 months. For some reason at about 10 months it either got worse or I got more upset about it, I can't remember which. My DD has co-slept all her life and has only EVER been able to get to sleep by nursing--no bottle, no pacifier. At 6 months, when she seemed to get even more sensitive to external stimuli, she had to be nursed for naps and bedtime laying down in our bed, with me creeping away once she was done. If I sat up to nurse and then laid her down once she was asleep, it was a scream fest and total re-do.

Having taken care of other children (who also co-sleep and nurse on demand), I have to say, children are VERY DIFFERENT in the way they approach sleep and what they need to get there. Some children get googly-eyed as soon as they are tired and beg to be put in their bed to find sleepland. Others fight it tooth and nail--babies like mine. At 10 mos, one practitioner suggested night weaning and separating the notion of nursing from that of sleeping by nursing before and then putting her to sleep. I tried this at 11 months, then again at 13 months and both times was unsuccessful. She just was not ready and all my efforts resulted in my super-persistent DD's crying out for nursing for 30 min to 3 hours (in one desperate attempt).

However, take heart, because they eventually do grow out of it!! At 16 months I got pregnant and really scared about how much it was taking out of me to be up 3-4 times a night with her still. So, I tried night weaning again and this time it worked! We still nurse to sleep, in her bed, which is a mattress in the floor right next to ours, but most nights she sleeps from about 8p-5am, then crawls in bed with us and snuzzles me to go back to sleep until about 7am. It is heavenly.

So, my advice is: try some different things, but give up easily on them if they don't feel like they are working. Then, try them again another time. My DD was also very sensitive to when I was trying very hard to "swim upstream." Emotionally, she is always more fragile during these periods, which were generally more a result of me beating up on myself about having screwed her up somehow, than our lack of sleep. Our best moments with sleep issues have been when I choose to accept the following: that it isn't my fault, all babies are different and that her sensitivity is a positive thing, that things are always changing, and that eventually she would want to sleep. So, try to go easy on yourself and make life better for the both of you!!

[nd01]

I could have written this post as well. My son is almost 10 mos and hates to sleep. He doesn't mind his crib per se, but has a hard time settling down to sleep and wakes as soon as we transition him from arms to crib. I get very upset every night by doing 2 hours of trying to get him to sleep and then he just wakes up. He used to be such a better sleeper and it seemed to all fall apart once he became mobile. So no words of advice here but know you are not alone...

[pianojazzgirl]

Sounds like my ds's sleep. Let's just say that now he is 2.5 yrs old and either STTN, or wakes 1-2 times a night. It was a long road, but WE GOT THERE! And you will too!