Postpartum help for new dad

[luvmywife]

Hello,

I realize that counseling is really the best thing for a couple to do and we are looking into it now.....but I am so upset and emotional I need to be able to reach out in other ways.

My wife and I went through a very emotional I.V.F process to get my 10 month old son. We both love and adore him.....probably more because he was so difficult for us to get.

We recently have purchased a new home as well and have lived there for about a month.

Because of my job we are lucky enough that my wife can stay home and only works part-time on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Mostly, to get out of the house and get some spare spending money. She loves the ability to spend quality time with my son.

She has had a tough time 'connecting' with our new house. It is a wonderfully large 5 bedroom farmhouse very modern with a large yard. But, she is saying it just doesn't feel like 'home' yet.

Last night she told me that she feels something is 'missing' in our marriage. She is saying that we don't communicate well anymore and that she doesn't know what is wrong. From her being overwhelmed.....to her not enjoying the marriage and anything in between....but she can't tell me what she thinks is wrong.

I was floored. I thought everything was going well for us.....between a new baby, new house, great cars, and jobs.

I haven't been perfect. Right before the procedure I was having inappropriate emails with a younger woman. Nothing ever happened....but I did contribute to the emails. She discovered them the day before the IVF procedure.

I can't tell you why I did it.....and I love my wife so very much. I got caught up in a 21 year old young lady who flirted with a 34 year old....and stroked my ego. I never would have acted on the emails.....and I have felt awful since then.

But, I also have tried to show her how much devotion I have for her. Between, back rubs, feet rubs, laughter, love, new baby, and new house....and I never have come close to anything like that again.

She forgave me when it happened 1 1/2 years ago....but she brought it up last night. I thought it was forgotten about and she never mentioned it again.

During this past 1 1/2 years I thought we were having a great marriage. I guess, I'm wondering if that one event has blown my life apart. Can her postpartum (which she believes she has) be a factor in her thinking about the emails again? What can I do to help reassure her??? She tells me she loves me and that she wants to work on our marriage....but just doesn't know what needs work. Can anyone offer some advice on what I can do to help my wife heal?

[SaoirseC]

Yes, it's totally possible that her thoughts about those emails are related to PPD- as in she might be feeling down about herself which might remind her of how she felt when she found out. Just guessing, I don't know your wife. But, don't EVER say that you think she's thinking of those emails because of PPD, that would probably feel really minimizing and would likely backfire on you (just guessing here, don't really know you guys). What she probably needs right now is for you to continue to love her, reassure her that she's important to you, etc. Be open to her suggestions, and give it some time.

[RedOakMomma]

As someone who's been betrayed in the past, I have to say--the feelings of hurt, betrayal, suspicion, anxiety, and low self-esteem don't go away in a linear way at all. Sometimes they flare back up, and that is totally normal.

You just moved? I wonder if she's feeling alone and unsettled in this new place, and that's contributing to her feeling of unease. I know I've seen that happen with friends in the past. It doesn't diminish the realness of her feelings at all, nor lessen your responsibility to treat them seriously, but I think that difficult times bring back difficult emotions, and it tells us that we never completed our healing process.

Yes to therapy. Find a therapist you both like (shop around if necessary) and DO IT. Therapy was the one big thing that helped dh and I truly move past the betrayal and start a healthier marriage.

Treat your wife's feelings seriously. As a previous poster said, don't link them (dismiss them) to other causes like PPD or stress. Let her know how sorry you are, how much you love her, how dedicated you are to her and your family, and be as open to her needs as possible. Pursue therapy with some input on what kind of therapist she'd feel most comfortable seeing (a woman? a man? a Phd? someone with kids?).

Best of luck to you.

[Roxswood]

I'd try going to www.marriagebuilders.com on the forums and talk to other people who have been betrayed like your wife was. You had an emotional affair, and this must have been devastating to your wife and its often suggested that the minimum time for a betrayed spouse to recover is about 2 years. I don't imagine being postnatal has much to do with it honestly.

I would start by looking at the emotional needs questionnaires on marriage builders, and by really looking at what you are doing or not doing that makes your wife feel safe and in love with you. It could be that you are exhibiting ongoing behaviour that is stopping her from recovering from your betrayal and until you find that then no amount of time will make a difference.

[plunky]

How did the OP even post here?

We have also placed a viewing access restriction on the forum so that you must be a member for 60 days and have 50 posts before you can see the forum or post to it.

[Chamomile Girl]

A nice house and good cars does not a strong marriage make. Is she the primary caregiver for your child? 10 months is a hard age, and she may be more overwhelmed and sleep-deprived than before.

I would take what she said at face value. Try to connect with her emotionally through talking. Your post made it seem that you are only looking at the surface of your marriage.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by plunky

How did the OP even post here?

This was posted in a pregnancy and birth forum at first. Hopefully the OP can still view it.

[neveryoumindthere]

I was goign to suggest marriagebuilders.com as well

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by luvmywife

I haven't been perfect. Right before the procedure I was having inappropriate emails with a younger woman. Nothing ever happened....but I did contribute to the emails. She discovered them the day before the IVF procedure.

Leaving your dirty laundry in the floor makes you not prefect. Inappropriate emails with a younger woman to stroke your ego mean that you had an emotional affair.

I'd lay money that part of the problem is that you have never fully owned up to exactly how serious your bad behavior was. "nothing ever happened" completely negates what did happen. Something happened.

It happened in your head and in your heart and she knows it. And every time you tell her "nothing happened" you not only fail to own up to what you did wrong, but you also lie to yourself. Your marriage isn't the same, she isn't the same, you aren't the same. You'll both always know that you did that, that you were capable of such duplicity.

Something happened. You broke faith with your wife. Buying her a big house doesn't fix it.

I thought it was forgotten about and she never mentioned it again.

she'll never ever forget.

The first thing you can do is best honest that you were wrong and that it was a big deal.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

A nice house and good cars does not a strong marriage make. Is she the primary caregiver for your child? 10 months is a hard age, and she may be more overwhelmed and sleep-deprived than before.

I would take what she said at face value. Try to connect with her emotionally through talking. Your post made it seem that you are only looking at the surface of your marriage.

I couldn't have said this better myself.

I also want to add to OP, your wife may be feeling residual anger that she hasn't expressed. Counseling sounds like a good idea because maybe she needs to communicate her anger to you in a way that she hasn't.

[BetsyNY]

I would just add to the other wise PPs--considering that she was going through IVF at the time, then pregnancy after infertility, etc--it could be that it's only just now, approaching your son's first birthday, that the "dust" has cleared enough so she can really think about your infidelity (and it *was* infidelity)

[windsorheightsmom]

I think you are doing the right thing by looking into counseling. Don't assume that things can't be fixed. Many marriages survive rough patches.

[prothyraia]

IVF, new baby, new house- that's a lot of upheaval in a short period of time. Throw in the email issue, which it sounds like you two haven't really worked through, and it's understandable that your wife is feeling disconnected and out of sorts.

It's really not unusual to have marriage problems after the birth of a child. It turns your lives upside down, you have to embrace different roles, people see you differently, and both parents are under a lot stress, even with the most loved and wanted for baby in the universe. It's really is a lot to deal with emotionally, and if things were shaky to begin with (the emails undermining your relationship with your wife, just as you were trying to conceive the baby) it can easily spiral out of control.

Counseling is a good idea; I'm sure any decent therapist you find will have seen many, many couples who began having serious trouble after the birth of their children.

[luvmywife]

Thank you to everyone that have posted. We are going through with the counseling. I know I made the mistake....and I have owned up to it the best I can. Hopefully, she truly can forgive (never forget...I understand that).

If any men happen to read this.....don't do what I did....especially if you love your wife. If you are ever faced with this kind of scenario.....know that every single syllable you utter....is like twisting a knife in your wife's heart. I know that's what I did. With a little luck and love.....this can be patched for us. Maybe it cant be.....but I'm going to try everything I can.

Thanks for the posts...they have been very helpful.