Failure

[sonicfrost]

Have you ever felt as if you've failed as a parent? My only son is almost 5 months old, and I feel like I've failed him and let him down so many times that I'm beginning (well, continuing) to feel as if I'm just not cut out to be a parent.

I've never felt connected to children in general. Ever. Even when I was a kid, most other kids annoyed me to no end. I never thought I'd have any kids of my own, but I knew that if I did, I would feel different about them, love them and care for them, and that is still true, I still love my son, I just don't feel like...like I'm a normal parent.

When my son cries, various people (family and friends) have asked me why he's crying, and everytime I have to say "I don't know" because its the truth. I don't know what his cries mean, I just have to try different things til something works. I'm not one of those "I know which cry means what" type of moms, and that makes me feel like a failure. I even felt like a failure at his birth, when I didn't have the strength or endurance to push him out myself. I had to request a vaccuum My birth plan even said "no use of vaccuum other than emergency" and there I was, requesting it. I feel like I failed to birth my son, even though he was a whopping 9 pounds 12.5 oz. with a 15.44 inch head.

I am 10 days into the no cry sleep solution, and have seen small results, but not in the areas that I need most. I need him to sleep in his crib, and for my husband to be able to put him to sleep. Right now he only falls asleep nursing. If I move him, he wakes up. If I nurse him to sleep in my bed, and get up while he's asleep, he only sleeps for about 30 min and wakes up again. I feel like I've failed as a parent in this aspect because he can't sleep without me. And I need him to. He used to sleep on his own, in his bouncy chair, but I moved him into our bed (BIG mistake, another failure on my part) when I found myself falling asleep on the couch when I was feeding him at night. I know this is a cosleeping community, but its just not working for my family. I have to sleep on my side ALL the time, and only face one direction, and DH and I are not comfortable or happy. Also, last week my son fell off the bed during the night!! He was okay, but yet again, I felt like a failure.

I also feel like I've failed as a parent when he's crying or whining for attention, but I'm busy doing something else so I get frustrated at him for needing attention. Sometimes I'm doing housework, or researching things online, or playing games online. I know games aren't important, but my 'me' time is. Then I feel bad because I'm mad at my own son for needing me.

I feel like the only thing I've done right is breastfeeding him. Yet, that's also part of why I feel so overwhelmed, because I feel like I'm chained to my son, and the key is nowhere to be found. I've put off getting a job because pumping is such a hassle.

I also regret giving him so many vaxes when he was 2 months old. He got everything that was recommended at the time. I don't know what damage I've done with that, but once again, I failed.

I do enjoy some times with my son. His smile is extremely cute and I love making him laugh. I just feel like I'm failing as his mom


I don't know if this makes any difference, but I suspect I have Asperger's. How much is parenting effected by Asperger's? Also, does anything I described sound like PPD? Is it even possible for that to appear 5 months after birth? I've seen an increase in my feelings of failure in the past few days.

[TeaJunkie]

Please be gentle with yourself, mama! Parenting is a tough job, and it's really easy to feel like a failure sometimes. We don't need to have all the answers or be perfect to be a good parent. I sometimes felt like a failure for certain things. It really does get easier as they get older and are able to talk and communicate. And some people are "better" at certain ages than others. I have one friend who is a genuinely wonderful mother, but she has a really tough time with babies less than a year old, and can't wait for them to get past that mark.

I'm sorry I don't have more concrete answers for you, but I couldn't read and not respond. I truly hope that things get better for you!

[LittleBattleAxe]

I hate to read into things, and I don't the circumstances during which you posted -- if it was a super awful day, or what -- but it sounds to me from the overall tone of your post that you are having issues above and beyond simply adapting to becoming a mother. Have you talked to anyone about postpartum depression? Again, not trying to read anything into it, but it sounds like you feel completely overwhelmed and having a hard time finding perspective.

You're NOT a failure, btw. You're a new mom who needs help. Try not to continue to think of yourself as a failure -- it can isolate you from your child, your dh, and keep you in a negative mindset.

Becoming a mom is a BIG deal and it can be a shock -- set aside the expectations of people around you; trust that you are a "good enough" mother and not perfect. Realize that many mothers have a difficult time talking about problems in adjusting to parenting for a variety of reasons, so if you all you ever hear is how wonderful it is, know that is not a complete picture.

It's normal to have sadness over the birth if it wasn't what you anticipated, but birth is not an endurance contest. Things can go awry, and you just have to make the best choices in the moment. Retrospect can be tough, but remember that in the moment we all do/choose things that we may question at a later time.

I've never done sleep training with a baby so I don't know how it's done, but I do know from moms who've done it that it can take a while and it can be very miserable. Maybe some moms who have btdt can help you more.

Just hold your little one, sit quietly, hear his heart beating and see how perfect he is -- and let that be something positive that you're doing right. Your baby doesn't need you to be perfect. He needs you to be YOU.

[AllisonR]

When my first DC was 5 months old I could have written your post. Been there, done that. Has anyone ever said you have extremely high expectations for yourself, and others? If so, think about it really hard. It means you should give yourself a break. Don't expect perfection, or anything close it it right now. Accept that you are doing the best you can. Really. Everyone makes mistakes, and some of those mistakes are HUGE, and some of those mistakes look really HUGE right now but in retrospect will be rather small.

I remember with my son, I still thought I had to have the same clean house, I still had to have "my time", I thought my 5 month old should be able to sleep on his own... All those expectations only made me feel disappointment and miserable. And I was NEVER EVER going to have another child. Then DD came, and I made my number one priority SLEEP, and I was a happier person. Instead of a clean house, I truly accepted a messy house and if I happened to get lucky one day and have an extra hour to clean, that was a happy bonus, but if I didn't get it, it was "normal", not a disappointment. And actually, if I had an extra hour, I would probably use it for skimming a magazine or getting extra sleep instead - in other words taking care of myself. I had long since given up on my time, so it didn't bother me that I didn't have it.... But now I have a 3 yo and a 5 yo that are the best of friends and there is so much love in this house. But wow, the first 8 months with my first DC, that was the hardest job I have ever had, and ever will. What I am saying is it is hard now for you, REALLY HARD, and maybe hard for you to see an end to this difficulty, but it will get better. Every year. And one day you will look back and realize you did a pretty good job after all, the best you could at the time, even if you can't see that now.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by sonicfrost

When my son cries, various people (family and friends) have asked me why he's crying, and everytime I have to say "I don't know" because its the truth. I don't know what his cries mean, I just have to try different things til something works. I'm not one of those "I know which cry means what" type of moms, and that makes me feel like a failure.

I also feel like I've failed as a parent when he's crying or whining for attention, but I'm busy doing something else so I get frustrated at him for needing attention. Sometimes I'm doing housework, or researching things online, or playing games online. I know games aren't important, but my 'me' time is. Then I feel bad because I'm mad at my own son for needing me.

I feel like the only thing I've done right is breastfeeding him. Yet, that's also part of why I feel so overwhelmed, because I feel like I'm chained to my son, and the key is nowhere to be found. I've put off getting a job because pumping is such a hassle.

I do enjoy some times with my son. His smile is extremely cute and I love making him laugh. I just feel like I'm failing as his mom

I'm only going to comment on the things that I have experience with - I've numbered them to make it easier to follow.

1. I STILL don't always know why my son is crying, and he's 16months and almost verbal! It's hard, and its completely normal not to know which cry is what!!

2. There is not a single mother in the entire world who has not been frustrated about their children needing attention at least once. Seriously! The best tactic when that happens though, is to assess the situation. Is there boiling water? Deal with that, then tend to baby. Folding laundry? Put it away, let it wrinkle, and play with baby. It's alllll about triage.

3. Breastfeeding is SO GREAT!!! I felt this way too, but it was a symptom of MUCH bigger problems. Is there anything going on that would make you feel this way? PPD is a possibility, and even if you don't have PPD a therapist might be a good idea to help you work through some things.

4. Do you pump at all? Can you pump some milk for baby and go out to dinner with a good friend? Give yourself a break, take some time for yourself, and relax! Being a good mother is MUCH more than the laundry list of things that being AP "stands for".

5. If your baby is smiling at you, and you can make him laugh - that means he LOVES you!!!! If he loves you, and you love him, you are not failing - you are succeeding!

I know you also mentioned vaxes - FWIW (and I know that this is mothering and many people are anti-vax here - my son is fully vaccinated. He's way ahead of his age group, and he's absolutely thriving. One set of vax's probably isn't going to hurt your baby. Be easy on yourself, let go of some of your expectations, and try to enjoy motherhood. It's hard, and the days are long - but the years really are fast. You'll see - when your baby turns 1 you won't know what to think b/c it will feel like you held him for the first time just yesterday.

Good luck mama, you're going to be fine!

[HeliMom]

awww hugs mama!


You are so not a failure. I had PPD and felt many of the same things you wrote about. You are not a failure. I was one of those women who always wanted children and here I was hating that I was a mom at times. Then I would tear my self apart because I wasn't living up to my expectation of what a mom should be.

Are you getting enough sleep mama? Napping during the day? Drinking enough water and eating well? If not this can exacerbate your stressed out feelings.

You are doing great. As your LO gets old the breast feeding gets easier and I know I felt so glad I stuck with it. And I hear you on being sore on one side breastfeeding during the night. At 13 months now I almost forgot how sore my hip would get becasue now that my DD is older I can sleep on my back or even roll away from her for most of the night. But I do remember how bad it felt when I thought that I was chained and stuck like this forever. It's not forever mama.

You sound like you are doing great, you are committed to parenting in a respectful way. Remember to respect yourself too.

[cappuccinosmom]

None of that is indicative of failure. You're pretty much a typical new mom. I never knew what my babies cries meant, and I couldn't get any of them to sleep the whole night in their own bed until after a year old. How you birthed him has nothing to do with parental success. That you vaxed him makes you no different than millions of other parents who raise happy, healthy kids.

You're taking good care of your son and aware of your limitations, and you are doing that with a disorder that can inhibit the kind of social awareness that comes naturally for other people

You're doing well.

[rightkindofme]

I'm going to echo what other people have said: sounds like you are in the usual really hard part of early parenting. It pretty much sucks. I'm sure there are some women out there who thrive on it and excel... I've never met them or heard of them for honest-to-gawd truth.

For at least the first six months of my daughters life I lived in a haze of not accomplishing anything and just sitting and staring at her. Anything else and she freaked. It does pass eventually. I know that isn't a lot of comfort just now, but it's the only thing I've got to tell you.

[bodhitree]

It's normal to feel overwhelmed and self-doubting as a new mom, but it does sound like your feelings might be a little outside the range of normal. I had similar issues and ended up seeing a therapist, which helped a lot. I still struggle sometimes with feeling like I need to do everything perfectly, but I try to remember what my therapist said: "Go for the A-minus!" You don't need to be a perfect mom. There's no such thing. It's normal, especially during the first year, to feel like you have no idea what you're doing and are probably screwing up all the time. But if those feelings start to interfere with your ability to manage your daily life, it's time to ask for help.

And for the record, everything you describe that you think of as evidence that you're failing sounds 100% normal to me. My 13mo DD still does not go to sleep on her own most of the time, and she still does not sleep through the night or by herself (except for the first part of the night, when she is by herself in the bed but usually wakes frequently). I could never distinguish a "tired" cry from a "hungry" cry until she was close to a year old. And I still get frustrated sometimes that I can't be away from her for long because she's still nursing. In short, if you're failing, then I must be failing too. And I'm not failing. So you're not either.

[bodhitree]

Also, it was enormously liberating for me when I was telling my favorite cousin about how exhausted I was all the time, and she said, "Yeah, the first year's just s**t, isn't it?"

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by bodhitree

I was telling my favorite cousin about how exhausted I was all the time, and she said, "Yeah, the first year's just s**t, isn't it?"

OMG this EXACTLY! Maybe not everyone's experience, but for me, with both my kids, the first year was just plain hard. Pretty much a time when I was in survival mode, pure and simple.

Honestly mama you do not sound anything like a failure to me. Not knowing what your babies cries mean? Normal! Feeling like you're being tied down by breastfeeding? Normal! Feeling frustrated and annoyed that you can't get anything done because he's fussing? Normal! Not getting any sleep and feeling desperate to reach a sleep solution that will work for you family? Normal!

It's not fun but at least take comfort that YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. All the things you've mentioned are what (in one way or another) most of us go through.

Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. These first few months are damn hard, but it does get easier. Babies' sleep cycles get longer and their sleep gets deeper as they get older. It becomes easier to decipher their needs (check out baby sign language!). They start to eat solids and/or drink from a cup and therefor you as the nursing mom can start to get longer breaks away. They get better at amusing themselves for longer periods of time. Etc. It gets easier mama it really does. Hang in there.

[spicyrock]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

Honestly mama you do not sound anything like a failure to me. Not knowing what your babies cries mean? Normal! Feeling like you're being tied down by breastfeeding? Normal! Feeling frustrated and annoyed that you can't get anything done because he's fussing? Normal! Not getting any sleep and feeling desperate to reach a sleep solution that will work for you family? Normal!

what she said.

op, thank you for your honest post.

[Icehockey18]

Nak
I agree with pp, if you are failing, then I am too- but we are not!! I have also been told the first year is.just.hard. I was a nanny before I became a mom, taught ice skating to kids, and pretty much loooved kids. I also got the 'you are so great with kids'. And I couldn't wait to be a mom. I thought I had it all figured out. I started the nanny job when they were 4 mo and 26 mo so I thought I knew everything about babes and toddlers. Then I had ds. God must have wanted to put me in my place! It's not all rainbows and butterflies like I imagined it would be. Half the time I have no idea what I'm doing. It's just plain hard. But it is also amazing. Remeber you are the world to your little one, and can do no wrong!
Please get some help for possible ppd and try to have someone watch your lo so you can get some 'me' time. I know it's easier said than done, but it sounds like you really need to make that a priorty, for you and your family. Lots of hugs!!!

[berry987]

Nothing in your post sounds like failure at all. Nobody is perfect as a mother and the ones who say they're doing everything right are lying or deluding themselves.

We all have doubts and insecurities, especially with the first baby. There are such high expectations and huge pressures on women to make all.the.right.choices and we're defined by them and it leaves very little room for missteps.

I couldn't breastfeed. I discovered this with my first child. I had such high hopes to EB for at least a year and then I had to resort to formula and donated breastmilk. I felt like such a failure. I had thoughts about not being a real woman because I couldn't feed my own child. I thought my child would grow up obese with allergies and a host of health problems. I cried for many months. And then I saw him flourish and grow into a strong, healthy, bright kid. And I realized how resilient kids are, how they grow and learn and do amazing things regardless, in many ways, of what we do right or wrong.

Your baby is still very young. You haven't seen what an amazing person he will start to become. Then you'll know that you're not a failure...you're a real mom who does a lot of things right, but makes some mistakes, and that's just fine.

[odoole]

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but I personally found 5 months to be a very difficult age in babyhood. No one really talks about 5 months as being all that noteworthy, but for me, it was the peak of my feeling frustrated and isolated. It's just when they start to have more complex needs and demand more attention and interaction, but they aren't yet old enough to do things like sit up on their own or manipulate things really well with their hands, etc.

It doesn't get any less exhausting, but you may find that as your LO becomes more and more independent, you may find a little more joy in the parenting.

It sounds like you are full of regret, but none of the decisions you have made have been "wrong." They may not have worked out exactly as you hoped, but we learn as we go, right? As far as I can tell, parenting is an entire lifetime of trial and error.

You sound like a very concerned, loving parent, and that is so so much more than I can say about many parents I meet. Your baby will do beautifully. Try to give yourself some credit for all the wonderful things you are doing as a mother.

[starlein26]

Failure yields tremendous learning! It's a wonderful tool for growth. Stay open...grow and learn!

[damona]

's, mama. you are not alone.

this parenting thing is hard. i was pretty starry-eyed about having my first ds, and it was a helluva shock when i couldn't nurse b/c of a horrible infection and then he got colicky on formula and i don't think i slept for months. and we lived with my mother, which was it's own set of issues.

i will tell you this, tho... it will get better.

don't worry about the vax's you've given him already. my oldest is fully vax'd (except for chicken pox), the next less so, and so on. my youngest only had the initial set in the hospital and that's it. if you feel strongly against it, then just stop doing them, but don't stress yourself out over what's already been done.

ditto for the birth experience. i know all too well that feeling of failure from a disappointing birth. my youngest (9lb 6oz) was an emergency c-section b/c the dr realized after my water broke that the cord was around his neck and he was full breech. it took me months to realize that there was just nothing i could have done to change what happened, and had i not been in a hospital, it is very possible we both would have died. eventually, i was simply grateful that we were both here, but for months i felt like i had done something wrong, i had not been a "real woman", i had screwed the whole thing up, etc.

and even by the last one, i couldn't always tell which cry meant what. i did a lot of guessing. you know what? my kids are fully verbal and pretty self-sufficient and sometimes i still don't know why someone is crying!

BUT despite the zillions of mistakes i have made, everyone is pretty much happy and healthy, (tho my oldest is convinced i am "ruining his life" by not letting him stay out til all hours. )

so hang in there, mama, and just keep on keepin' on. nobody is perfect, and anyone who claims to be is no friend of mine. who needs the judgement of "perfect" parents, anyway? as long as you do the best you can, and love as hard as you can, you are doing just fine.

[nextcommercial]

I don't know the answers. But, I do know you are being too hard on yourself, and trying too hard.

It's exhausting. You are tired. You deserve to get some rest, and you probably feel like you can't even get that before he wakes up. Laundry piles up, bills are sitting on the counter, and you just can't catch up.

Then, there are those kids who are content to just chill out in a bouncy seat while mom organizes her entire pantry. (who are these kids???) You see moms at the store who look completely lovely and pulled together and they don't look frazzled at all. (I hated those women)

One thing I swear by, is baby carriers. Some days, it's the only way you can get anything done. You can learn to use a wrap or a mei tai, and he can just hang out on your back and watch you work. He might even nap while you wear him, and then you can get everything done (well, not everything, they aren't that convenient) . I can put a baby on my back, and then sit on an exercize ball and watch an entire show while I bounce a little. If he's been next to you a lot that day, maybe he won't be so needy of you at night. You can also put him on daddy's back or front, and they can have a little bonding time too.

[sonicfrost]

I'm not sure exactly what I want to reply to all of you with, but I do want to reply and thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I would like to personally respond to everyone who has posted, but I don't have the time for that, I'm sorry. Just know that I've read every word and taken it into consideration.

I do want to mention (and should've in my op) that breastfeeding started out extremely hard for me. I know a lot of moms have difficulty with it. By the end of the first week, it hurt so bad that it felt like a clothes pin (the kind with the spring) was closing down on my nipple every time he sucked. It got to the point where I'd have tears in my eyes because of the pain, and I would be dreading feeding time so much that I just plain didn't WANT to feed him because of the pain. That made me feel like a failure too, because I'm his mom, and I didn't want/couldn't feed him, and I felt so bad about the whole situation. My mom and sister just told me to suck it up and its normal to hurt, but my husband convinced me to see a LC, so I did and she gave me advice and a nipple shield. That nipple shield saved my breastfeeding relationship with my son. I was completely pain free when using it, and I used it for 4 months. I don't use it any more, and it doesn't hurt any more. THAT I consider a success.

I guess the whole trial and error thing of being a parent is normal? That's pretty much what I've been doing from the start (and feeling bad about) because I feel like I should already know what to do because I'm his mom.

Also, today was day 10 of the NCSS, and I compared logs, and Graydon is now getting an hour LESS of sleep a day. that makes me feel like I failed again. (though when I walked into the room because he was crying from waking up, I walked over to him and he stopped crying and started kicking his legs like he does when he's excited, and eagerly vocalizing. I was frustrated that he had woken up again, but I couldn't help but smile at him for that )

I guess I do feel a little better that so many of you say its normal. Maybe I should just concentrate on the positive things more.

[phathui5]

Please don't beat yourself up over the vaccinations. My oldest child was fully vaccinated until he was a year because I didn't know. I just thought everyone did it.