Failure - Page 2

[mouso]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

None of that is indicative of failure. You're pretty much a typical new mom. I never knew what my babies cries meant, and I couldn't get any of them to sleep the whole night in their own bed until after a year old. How you birthed him has nothing to do with parental success. That you vaxed him makes you no different than millions of other parents who raise happy, healthy kids.

Yes and yes to piano jazz girl's post. You are normal. It sounds like you may have some PPD, but also it may just be regular run of the mill new parent adjustment. Maybe talk to a doc/midwife?
I had MAJOR BF issues at first and it was only after 6 months that I suddenly realized I loved nursing and was so glad we were still doing it.

All the things that you posted about being a failure are things that I've done/do. Really. You are not a failure. You are just not perfect. And no one is perfect. Hugs, mama!

[jillmamma]

I too have a January 2010 baby. But I also have 2 others...7.5 yo DS and 4.75 yo DD. I too have suspected some spectrum characteristics in myself and in fact DS has been diagnosed PDD-NOS (spectrum), so I am pretty sure it runs in our family. I also am dealing with PPD for the third time, and it seems like for me it peaks around 4-5 months. My oldest was a crappy sleeper too, so I can definitely relate there (this one seems to actually sleep! ). So no real advice, but sympathy!

[sonicfrost]

Well, the failure feeling is coming back and I can't help but think I'm just not "parent" material... I love my son, but I just can't handle it when he's fussy and needy, which is most of the time. I'm on the verge of just putting him in his crib and letting him cry

[neveryoumindthere]

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What is it that you need at this moment? What would need to happen in order for you NOT to feel like a failure?

What are some things you can do to work towards that? Take it step by step.

[Smokering]

Also, it was enormously liberating for me when I was telling my favorite cousin about how exhausted I was all the time, and she said, "Yeah, the first year's just s**t, isn't it?"

Yep. When I had DD (and I'm slightly Aspie, FWIW) I was quite frustrated because after years of Mum praising baby-having to the skies - and she had six! - she started watching me and DD and saying thoughtfully "You know, everyone says the first years fly by, but they're really not much fun when you're in them". Or "The first three babies are the hardest"(!). Or "Oh yeah, I remember having to lie in awkward positions all night so they wouldn't wake up, that was hard". I was like "You couldn't have told me about all this BEFORE I got pregnant?". I love babies - I'm a gushy baby person who coos over cute infants in the supermarket - and I still dread the thought of having a second baby. I adore DD, but the thought of doing pregnancy and the first year of parenting again does not fill me with a warm Madonna-like glow. I'm going to grit my teeth and do it - probably at least twice more, heaven help me - but I sort of dread it. I'll be doing it with the long-term view in mind and very few expectations for my sanity, marriage and happiness during the infancy stages. And my kids wil be spaced out further than I originally planned, because honestly I don't think I could cope otherwise.

I hope that didn't plunge you further into gloom. It does get better, truly... and it seems quick looking back, and endlessly long when you're in the trenches, and that's just the way it is. All we non-infant-having mothers can offer is rueful smiles of remembrance and sympathy - and the dangling carrot that one day, you'll be us, saying "It gets better" to another overwhelmed mum!

[LynnS6]

I would second the poster who suggested that you might have postpartum depression. It's very common, and it's treatable. I would see your health care provider.

I will say that not everyone loves the baby stage. My kids are 6 and 9 years now and I have a lot more fun with them than I did at the baby stage. I study child language development and I still couldn't figure out what the cries meant. It was definitely a matter of ruling things out. I was a much happier mom when my kids got words and could really communicate.

Originally Posted by sonicfrost

Well, the failure feeling is coming back and I can't help but think I'm just not "parent" material... I love my son, but I just can't handle it when he's fussy and needy, which is most of the time. I'm on the verge of just putting him in his crib and letting him cry

If you're really overwhelmed, it's OK to take a break for a few minutes (I'd say up to 5) to regroup. Is it ideal to let him cry? No. But really, we humans are not designed to raise infants in isolation. We're designed to live in a village with our mothers and aunts and sisters, and so when we're overwhelmed, one of them can take the baby. Or when the baby is in the 'I need to do nothing but nurse phase', you can basically do and have them around you for care and support.

Please do see your doctor. PPD is treatable. Been there.

[NSmomtobe]

I also have a son born January 2010 and I feel like a failure quite often. So I guess the feeling is normal?



My DH is a great help to me when he is home. Do you have much support from your partner and/or parents/family?

[rubidoux]

I never felt like a failure, but I don't think I ever had the same sorts of expectations that you do.

When my current little one cries, I usually check his diaper first (my older one never cried once over a diaper, for him the first line of defense was offering the breast). Then I run down my short list of things it's likely to be (hunger, thirst, needing a nap) and if none of them seem right I may go through my list again in a few minutes. He's 15 months old now and I'd say I have a much better idea of what he needs now than I did at five months. But I still don't recognize what he's asking for with a particular cry, and my guess is he doesn't usually know either. I also have noticed over the years that, not only do I not know what his cries mean, but I can't even recognized his cries in a group of babies. lol Any call of "mama" will make me look up, and I have no idea if it's my child or not doing the calling until I see who it is. The idea that you'd feel like a failure for not knowing what your five month old wants all the time is just ludicrous. Why would you think you would know?

Also, with birthing... good grief! I am all for women feeling empowered to make birth decisions and to be educated regarding having a more natural, less medicalized birth. But I have seen sooooo many women for whom all that activism has just turned to heartache because now that they've got the right to have it they feel like they are failures if they don't "live up to it". One of my close friends, for years, said that she didn't feel like a "real mom" because she had an emergency c-section -- and it really was an emergency as she had very far-gone pre-ecclampsia. I have had two glorious C-sections myself and I feel like a real mom and I don't feel like a failure and the births of my babies were completely joyous for me. Why would I think of myself as a failure???

I guess I'm saying it may be time to reevaluate your standards. If your little one is lauging and smiling and is well taken care of and you feel connected to him I think you are right where you should be. (And btw, it took me a good long time to feel truly connected to my first. By five months I was well on my way, but it was much stronger at one year and still growing.)

Also, mothering small babies has come pretty easily to me (though I am much less sure of my abilities when it comes to school aged children) and I think the reason why is that I'm not expecting almost anything. They sleep when they sleep and where ever they sleep best. I spent much of the first year of Augie's life with him asleep in my arms on the couch. I sometimes felt frustrated that I wasn't getting something done, but I tried to always remember that sitting there with him is really one of the sweetest possible things in life. It didn't always make me feel comfortable with the huge pile of dishes in the sink, but it is true and it often did help me relax.

And I would definately talk to a doctor about PPD. I think I have had a touch of it this time around and I started therapy when Augie was around eight months old. I wish I had done it earlier.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by sonicfrost

Also, today was day 10 of the NCSS, and I compared logs, and Graydon is now getting an hour LESS of sleep a day. that makes me feel like I failed again. (though when I walked into the room because he was crying from waking up, I walked over to him and he stopped crying and started kicking his legs like he does when he's excited, and eagerly vocalizing. I was frustrated that he had woken up again, but I couldn't help but smile at him for that )

Hey mama, please realize you are not failing as a mother. You sound like you're doing a great job and staying true to your parenting ideals. I think much of what you're feeling is absolutely normal, especially 5 months PP. As PPs have stated, PPD can begin many months after giving birth. After DD1, I had severe PPD. It began when she was 7 months old. If you feel you need to be screened for PPD, by all means do it- it's a very treatable condition.

Just wanted to comment on the No-Cry Sleep Solution- I used NCSS with DD1, so I have some knowledge of/experience with the method. Remember that even though you're using a "method," your DS in an individual and his response to the method will be his own. It may take him longer to adapt to the routine you're following than what the author suggests the timetable will be. Frequently reviewing his sleep log could cause you to doubt whether your DS's sleep habits are improving. Backslides are normal, especially after beginning a sleep method. It's only been 10 days, so I'd say it's nothing to worry about at this point. However, I suggest simply writing down the particulars each day and then putting the log away- don't obsess over it. My DD didn't follow the timetable either, but she still improved. It just took her longer than what the book indicated. Even the author acknowledges that each child will hit sleep milestones at his or her own pace. If you are seeing even a small amount of improvement compared to where DS was when you began, that's great. Keep it up. Sleep is one of those anxiety-producing issues in moms of young children because mainstream society places so much emphasis on sleep training and nighttime independence. Remember that you are using a loving approach to helping your DS sleep, and that even though it may seem like you are failing, you are in fact succeeding in creating a safe enviroment for your child to relax and recharge.

I totally agree with the PPs who said that motherhood is not all wine and roses. It's not. But when it's good, it's pretty darned awesome. And that's important to remember in times of discouragement.

[tjjazzy]

i could've written a lot of your post, right down to not feeling connected to kids. my husband and i were together for YEARS before we changed our minds about having kids. i knew ahead of time that the first year would be hard for me b/c i don't like babies. and it was. i ended up with PPD with ds1. and BOTH babies cried for hours on end (8 months altogether) every night. that didn't help at all. however, just WAIT til they're children, not babies. oh what a difference. you will really enjoy that stage. if you're as much like me as i think you are, i can guarantee it will be better. i'm thinking once ds2 is 2, i'll be in an even better situation than i am now. i'm just NOT into babies. i feel like a freak b/c other women seem to love babies but that's how it is. i don't mourn my babies growing up at all. i don't want them to grow too fast once they're around age 3 but for now, GROW BABY GROW!
HTH.

[tjjazzy]

Originally Posted by bodhitree

Also, it was enormously liberating for me when I was telling my favorite cousin about how exhausted I was all the time, and she said, "Yeah, the first year's just s**t, isn't it?"

apparently my friends are all the opposite of everyone you all know! so unfair. everyone i know seems to just love babies and enjoy the baby stage and miss it. i'm always thinking WHAT???? you LIKE the first year??? what is WRONG with me? it's good to hear a bunch of you saying you didn't particularly love the 1st year.