I'm starting to chicken out....

[5gifts]

....about a hospital birth, that is

My last 2 were UC. This time I'm soo 'unconected' with both baby & dh, as well as other issues about how I feel about this one, the house, my other kids, the 'climate', etc.. - I just haven't felt 'safe' planning a UC. There is a midwife I could use. But I canceled out due to money, the hassel of traveling to see her, and just not trusting this will go full term w/o complications.

My overwhelming emotion in the pregnancy - over everything - is to want to go hide under a rock! I just don't want to deal with ANYTHING! (yesterday, hubby said "Ok, just tell me which one so I can find you.") Crazyness is just coming at me from all dirrections at times.

Anyway, I'm 34 weeks now. Have figured I will go to the hospital at the last minute and just hope for the best. Physically, I feel awful & have lots of pains but no pre-E yet. Though BP is through the roof at dr (and the ER when I went in for severe swelling in only 1 leg/foot) But BP is ok at home & about, so it doesn't seem like I'll have a premie like I did with DD.

So about the hosp birth...lately I try to visualize/walk through how things might go - like several different senerios. I keep getting stuck on feeling like I'll just be giving in to so much there that I don't want/isn't ideal. I kinda want to say 'whatever! I'm not gonna fight it - just go in and get it over with when the time comes. We'll have an OK outcome - just not really the way I believe it should be...' But then I feel sad for not standing up for this baby and giving it as much of a respectful and peaceful birth as possible. Maybe I can acheive it in the hospital, but have to fight for it....I don't want the cord cut right away - fine with them...but if the baby needs some help, we'd have to quickly fight them off cutting it...and handling a situation too roughly/aggressivily....cleaning/washing/rubbing down & wrapping up baby...
I don't feel I have the energy to do anything but go along for the ride...ugg, and in labor too. Having to fend off checks, monitors, ivs, moving around how I want....OhMy! I start dreading the hospital!

I don't even feel like depending on DH to 'have my back'. I really don't even care if he's around - and not just him - I don't want to be bothered by anyone! (the whole go hide under a rock...) As I play things through my mind, I absolutly can not see having baby in this house (awful state at the moment)- even if the kids are out of the picture. And I also worry about a non-responsive baby on my hands - yeah morbid, but its there and I have dealt with 2 animal situation since this has been in my mind....that turned out bad. One was really rough and tramatic (larger animal) and the other I was right there, but just could not get baby to come around. (we have a farm & lots of different animals - and we cull/slaughter/have untimely deaths often - not usually a big deal to us) I DON'T want to have a non-resposive baby on my hands, away from the hospital! (In 3 weeks Dh and all 6 kids will be 8 hours away for 3 days) I can even see driving myself to the hospital alone...


...and then this crazy idea keeps popping up (either with or without DH there, too) That I just give birth in the car (or van) in the parking lot or right by the hospital. If we are totally ok, we'd just turn around and go home....or as the scenerio plays in my mind....I have a long skirt on, and with cord attached, scoop up baby and pop through the doors at the ER.....yeah, crazy....but, I could see doing it. Not like being there hours. I mean If labor is progressing totally normally for me, head over in transition, and it always only takes me 30 min. tops to get baby out. Regardless, I wasn't going to head to LD until the last minute anyway. (of course, at any time in labor if something feels 'off' to me, we'd be going right to LD - I'm not afraid of seeking care for problems - I just don't feel good about unnecessary stuff That goes against what I beleive deeply, when everything is perfectly fine)

I just hate the idea of them having their 'paws' all over baby needlessly those first few minutes - well and them 'controling' me & how I move about those last 20-30 minutes...when I just need to be so 'primal'....I know what I'm like - I've had it: totally easy UC, really tough UC, pitocin in hosp at 35 weeks, and 2 regular ole hosp births....I just wont be 'me' in the hospital - and I'll either hate it afterwards, or have to tell myself 'whatever - I don't care.'

Sorry for my long ramble
I really don't know if I'm asking anything in this post LOL! Other than "am I crazy to think about giving birth right ouside the hospital? If it kind of turns out that way!?!"

And this IS the UC sub-forum...so I'm not particularly interested in opinions like 'UC is dangerous, why would you take a risk like that - are you just trying to prove a point that hosp=bad...ect.'

[zoebird]

sounds like you are under a lot of stress beyond trying to prepare for a birth! sometimes, the only coping mechanism we have on hand is to "shut down" or "hide under a rock."

i think, though, that you might be able to compartmentalize around it. like, if you have 20 specific stresses, then make a list and itemize it. which stress needs to be dealt with right away, and which one can you hide under a rock?

i think that, right now, focusing on how you need to birth would be a stress worth working on, whereas, the stress with your other kids might be an under-the-rock stress. maybe 19 of the 20 stresses go under the rock.

don't feel bad about that. you'll be able to pick them up when you are able or when you absolutely must. so, i wouldn't worry about feeling overwhelmed and needing to shut down on a few things. just do it. set it aside to "deal with it later." and then, it will either shift so it works itself out, or you will be able to work it out when you are ready.

i think my question is why you feel you need the hospital? i don't really see anything in your post so far that says you need to plan on it. of course, it's great to go if 1. you know you need to be there; or 2. you want to be there. but if you dn't want or need to be there, then why not just prepare for that home UC?

of course, i support you either way.

[5gifts]

As far as why the hosp...I don't absolutly 'know' I need to be there - and I don't 'want' to be there at all...but I just don't feel secure about this one. I do fear having a baby that just wont come around and breath like it should....I started feeling the little twinges of this fear way back4 months ago. I could deal with a HB needing resus with a midwife....but blah, that was just one more hassel I didn't feel like persueing this late in the game - and there are a lot of big things that need $$$ thrown at them right now. And just the thinking that heck if the baby needs to be transported to the hosp anyway -why pay 3k for an attendent. When I don't really want to be attended anyway. I just want to turn inward and give birth....but I sure don't want to be having to call 911...

Maybe I just feel soo negaive about stuff right now that its clouding my thinking on this birth.....I could push out a perfectly fine baby at home (or hosp parking lot!) and wow! that would be great! We could all just chill out at home meeting the new baby. But if the baby is not totally ok, I want to be in the hosp or able to run in right away.

I've felt the need to plan on needing to go to the hosp at some point, because I've figured I'd have issues of pre-term labor, pre-e or high BP issues (she actually wrote a script for procardia, but we since discussed it & I decided no). We even are starting to wonder about exess anmio fluid (this is just cropping up, she offered to have a scan, but we put it off til next week)
But so far so good - nothing has turned into a problem yet.

So now it looks like I may make it full term....and not really have any issues that are obvious....so I really don't want the hosp if I don't need it....but I don't have the peace of really 'knowing' I don't need it....something like that

[5gifts]

Zoebird, I just noticed you are in NZ. The long twisting path that eventually led us to buy this farm, started with an intended move to NZ in the fall of 2006 - that fell through at the last minute It's been a crazy journey since then, with other plans falling completely apart along the way....but it all started with wanting to go to NZ LOL!

I still want to go....someday, but it probably wont be to live, as we had planned. We would have been going to the west coast of the south island - not where people typically move to! But alas, we didn't get to go

[featherstory]

5gifts, maybe it would be would be easier for you to plan for the birth you want and trust your SO to plan for the emergency plan... you have already had a few births before, so I'm sure you can trust each other to take care of one part of the birth planning and not have to worry about the other side of it...that might take some of the stress off.

[LilMamiBella]

I'm in a similar place as you. This was a huge shock to us and I don't feel as connected as I did with my other babies. Luckily,I have time to get used to this. I've had fairly good births (hosp/epi, waterbirth, natural birth center, and uc). I fear that since I've had much better births than mainstream mamas that this one might be a lot different. I've had thoughts of just going to the hospital or having a midwife. I like the idea that they can take care of things if I can't. But I also hate the idea because I like birthing alone in the water. So for me I think I'm going to buy a hypno babies course to help with my stress and fears and just read emergency childbirth, unassisted childbirth, etc.