Any one feel they have to disconnect to survive?

[lilysmama1124]

I am having an especially tough day with my twin 9 mo and 3 1/2yo girls. The twins have food allergies and got cross contam some how and have been fussing and crying literally 80% of the day. I am losing it so they are up in there room just crying because I...am...done. The thing is I feel like I had to detatch from them early on to survive because someone is always crying and I can't always take care of them so in order to function I kind of had to shut down the instinct to respond to every cry. However it feels like now I just sort of shut off at a certain point when I feel I can't do it anymore. All I have done is feed them solids, nurse, change diaper and have them scream at me until they are ready to eat again. All the while the older one is getting hardley any attention so she is acting up. I hate to just let them cry but at a certain point when I am not making it any better I just have to get away from them. I end up just feeling very very angry that I can't take care of any of us the way I want. I want to find a way to be the attatched parent I want to be but be detatched enough that I can function because I can't do everything want all day it just isn't possible. Please tell me how you've achieved some APind multiple balance

[Julia'sMom]

I completely understand what you mean. There is just so much more crying with two, and an older. I too disconnect some to survive and am struggling with not disconnecting too much, but still maintaining sanity and an intact complete family.

I'll be lurkign along for suggestions. . .

[DeerMother]

That is a hard age. They wanted independence but were so clingy at the sake time. If a longer break weekly isn't practical for you, could you take minute breaks here and there throughout the day? Is there a fenced outside area you can go to? Maybe a change of scenery would help?

But yes, I don't have an older and there were days I had to turn emotion off. It's hard being so needed. Hope you find some solutions.

[Loonanj]

This too shall pass!

Oosh, I really feel for you. I know it might feel like it will always be like this, but it won't.

My girls are 3 and my baby is almost 1. There have been SO many phases with my girls where I have thought, "this isn't bearable, and I can't live like this." But the phase passes and then I can't even remember, incredible as it seems at the time.

Some parts of your situation are out of your control. So I would put this question to you: what small changes can you make that will help you be the parent you want to be?

- Some substitute care so you can have time to be a one-on-one parent with each girl?
- Time on your own not doing anything connected to the family and home so you can recharge?
- A parenting workshop that gives you hands-on strategies?
- Accepting a reduced standard in some area of your life--are you imagining the parent you thought you would be before the reality of multiples hit?

These are all things that have been helpful to me. Don't beat yourself up that you are detaching--I think that's the natural response to feeling an exaggerated sense of responsibility. I am always trying to remember that my kids are separate people whose loving care is my responsibility, but who ultimately have their own ways of reacting that are out of my control. This helps my approach my parenting with some sanity and obviates the desire to check out emotionally when it gets overwhelming.

[MamaChicken]

I do this too. DD is 3 and twins are 18 mo.

Unfortunately, when I start to pull back, they seem to swarm in for more attention. I've even taken my I- pod touch to the bathroom and visited MDC

in my head I know it will get so much better. 12 months was a turning point for us because the boys would play for an hour in DD bedroom and I could sit in the hall and read my book. They would come out frequently for hugs and go back in. It's how they wound down before bed.

I ended up nightweaning at 13 mo and completely weaning at 17 mo because I needed more distance. Being able to hand them a bottle and walk away was far easier for my sanity. I still have guilt about that, and guilt about the guilt.

Months 9-11 were absolutely the worst of my parenting life. Worse than two years of PPD with DS1. Many, many

[~bookcase~]

i have needed soooooooooooooo much more time out and space with twins than my singletons. Touched Out is an understatement.

i think it's really important to find a way of getting fresh air and a change of scene. and QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIET! every now and then. what cracks me up is that when i'm out of the way, they're generally quite happy to play on the floor (19 months now but has been this way for a while) whilst daddy/ siblings are around them, but if they catch sight of me it's 'waaaah' until they get mama milk/ cuddles/ play. sigh. i creep around trying to stay out of view to get cooking done. lol.

it does get easier. but please try and find some mama time for you, even if it is a walk around the block each morning or evening (ideally with no babies, right ) and know you can come back and chat it out here when you need to. at EVERY stage

[herdingkittens]

Originally Posted by ~bookcase~

i have needed soooooooooooooo much more time out and space with twins than my singletons.

Yup. My experience, too. I remember almost being shocked at how often I needed to get out or take a break. If you can schedule time out too (put in the in the calendar - like an appointment), you will know that the time is coming, and that helps - knowing that a break is on the horizon.

You can only do what you can do. You know? Don't worry about how you think you should be doing it, but how you can take care of them the best you can, given your circumstances. I guess I just was thinking that it is easy to put pressure on ourselves to meet a certain standard, and twins is so different than a singleton - it breaks all the rules.

[CalaRei]

I am so glad you posted this, because I thought I was some sort of "refrigerator mom." There's so much crying. And I can only smile and pretend to be SUPER DUPER HAPPY so many hours of the day, so at some point, usually at night when I'm trying to wrangle a diaper onto a kicking, screaming boy, I just clench my teeth and get through whatever I'm doing as fast as possible. Making dinner tends to be like this, too. I'm sure I could do it with more empathy, but for me it's better to just get.it.done.now. So that I can then focus on my boys when I'm done.

[dknees]

Honestly, I've felt that way most of my twins' life. At 21 months, I am just now really enjoying them. My family came out for a visit last week, and I got to just PLAY with them and it was a really great break. I don't really have any advice, but wanted to let you know you're not alone. I don't feel like my twins are always getting the mom they deserve, but they are fed and diapered regularly, and some days that's a huge victory!

My older ds definitely had to deal with not getting the attention he used to, but the upside is that he loves his younger siblings so very much and they love him. My dd shouts his name first thing in the morning, and cries any time he goes to school or to play with his friends.

The only thing that has really worked for me was to chant "this too shall pass" over and over. It makes me realize that no matter what, this is a temporary stage. That also reminds me that all too soon i'll be lamenting that my babies are grown up, which helps me to focus more on the positive things I have right now. Or at least take a few pics or some video to document this time in our lives.

hugs

[poppan]

These two things you said really jumped out at me, and it's what I'm responding to.

The thing is I feel like I had to detatch from them early on to survive because someone is always crying and I can't always take care of them so in order to function I kind of had to shut down the instinct to respond to every cry.

I hate to just let them cry but at a certain point when I am not making it any better I just have to get away from them. I end up just feeling very very angry that I can't take care of any of us the way I want. I want to find a way to be the attatched parent I want to be but be detatched enough that I can function because I can't do everything want all day it just isn't possible.

While I agree with the others that it's important to take time for yourself... that wasn't something that was possible for me. For 15 months until I hired a nanny and went back to work, it was me, by myself, with two babies from the time that we woke up (DH did not help in the morning) until DH got home around 5. What I dreaded the most were when DH had to take business trips -- 1-2 weeks each.

I think AP parenting with twins is just different from AP parenting with a singleton. (I have to caveat that my twins are my only children so I don't have a singleton parenting experience to compare to.) But for me anyway... crying was a daily, sometimes hourly occurrence. It was just a fact of life. Someone was always crying. There was one of me and two of them, so that's just the way it was. I treated it like a triage center... I took care of the more urgent need first, then attended to the other. I would talk to the second one while taking care of the first one, telling them they had to be patient and wait because there's only one of me and I can only do one thing at a time.

Not that I never went crazy and really felt like I needed a break -- of course I did. But I think you are also asking too much of yourself and being too hard on yourself. The twin parenting experience is not the same as parenting one child. What you said is absolutely true -- someone *is* always crying, and often it's both of them at the same time. I don't think you need to shut down the instinct to respond to every cry. But you do need to not beat yourself up when you are not ABLE to physically respond to a cry right away and take care of that need, KWIM? I don't think I'm doing a good job of illustrating the difference -- but just trying to say that AP parenting twins *looks* different from AP parenting a singleton or sibs of different ages, and that you're not doing a poor job of AP parenting just because your twins do cry and you have to let them cry because you are currently AP parenting someone else.