When did you start to date? Were you ready?

[justmama]

It's been 2 1/2 years since we separated. I'm not feeling ready. I don't know if I ever will be. The thought makes my stomach flip. My feelings for him aren't even close to being resolved. But if I don't take that step and force myself, I think I may never do it. And the farther I go down the road of being single and not dating, the harder it feels to take that step. When did you all start dating? Was it really hard? Were you excited about the prospect or did you have to force yourself to make the step? If you did have to force yourself, were you happy about it afterwards? I'm really conflicted. Heck, I'm not even divorced yet.

[StephandOwen]

I never really started dating, per say. I left ex when ds was less than 2 months old. When ds was 2 a friend of mine gave me the phone number of a guy she knew. I ended up forcing myself to call him (because she wouldn't leave me alone and was constantly asking me if I had called him yet. LOL!). We talked on the phone and online for over a year before we ever met in person. It started off as an "eh, he's fun to talk to so why not chat for a few minutes here and there". By the end of that first year of talking (before we met) it had transformed into more than just a friend to chat with. We talked about anything and everything and we were staying up half the night talking every night. I was falling asleep almost every night with the phone up to my ear, listening to him sleep. We finely made the leap to meet in person and.... the rest is history There wasn't much "dating" involved. We met in person in March 2007 (after talking for about 1 1/2 years). Since we lived a couple states away we took turns going back and forth (ds and I would go to his state or he would come to our state) every other weekend (or every 3 weeks). We knew it was *it* though so in May 2007 I petitioned the court to allow me to move ds out of state. In July 2007 ds and I moved in with dp.

I was NOT looking to date. At all. I hadn't dated anyone between ex and dp. I wasn't looking. I didn't have the time or desire, to be honest. But everything with dp just seems so natural. Nothing seemed rushed. Nothing seemed forced or anything. Now, almost 3 years later, we couldn't be happier

[Super~Single~Mama]

I say, don't do anything you aren't ready for!! You need to be secure in yourself, and in being single before a good relationship will come your way. And, as a bonus, by demonstrating to your children that you have enough respect for your feelings and self to follow your instincts, your children will learn to respect their feelings and respect themselves.

But, maybe seeking some counseling to resolve the feelings you have about your ex would be a good idea? I don't know, but maybe you could also speed up the divorce to give yourself some closure?? That might help tremendously in helping you feel ready to date.

ETA - I realized that the last bit might have sounded like you should be ready. Thats NOT what I meant, so sorry about that!! I just meant that if you work through your feelings you might be able to find some closure about what happened between you and your ex, and that would make it easier to move on. What you move on to is your choice - be it embracing being a single mom and enjoying that for a while before dating again (this is what I'm doing right now), or trying out dating again right away - it just might be useful to you.

[Ceinwen]

I jumped into something way too fast - my ex and I separated in January 2009, signed papers in March 2009, and he moved out June 2009...

I was dating by July.

So, we're making it work now because we moved in together by November, and we are truly in love.

However, I would take at least a few months, if not longer for myself following the divorce of a ten year relationship.

[NewMom0208]

I have a totally different opinion/experience...
I started dating 2 months after we split for good (we had been in and out for 3 years) it was 24 frigging years together. 16 married

I was so NOT ready, I got my heart broken after 10 days! lol
Yes, now I laugh, this was 2 months ago. I sometimes still miss that guy. He was soooo cool.

But tell you what, after I got over the 10 day relationship, all my feelings for my ex were resolved. I learned I can love someone else, I can be with someone else, I can kiss someone else. And i so don't want my ex! yak!

I am just coming back from a coffee date. Dating is helping me define what I want. I take it easy now and have fun. Tonight I got good company and a free coffee and cheesecake (I don't pay, that is my rule). We talked for two hours, until they kicked us out of the place. If it didn't go well I would have looked at my phone and say, oh shoot, something came up, got to go, sorry and thank you for everything.

This is why I do coffee now, or ONE drink (virgin pina colada anyone?)
I did dinner before and it was more difficult to bail out if things were uncomfortable.

Tonight I got a little nervous as I got out of my car, so I told myself, "go out there and make a fool of yourself. If you screw up, only you and this guy you don't have to see again will know" that self talk really lifts my confidence!
I even have a bad hair day and I didn't frigging care!

Tonight was my 3rd date in three months. And I have 2 potential ones about to happen. I might even give this guy a second date if he asks. I don't care if he doesn't. I am not falling in love so easily this time.

Well, this is working for me, everybody is different, just wanted to offer a fresh perspective.

All the best, it does get better, embrace your freedom, embrace your singleness, embrace your femininity and sexiness. enjoy! you deserve it.
You are a princess and a Goddess.

p.s. I am also not even divorce yet, that is the first thing stated on my online profile, so I am all transparent, not afraid of being find out. The guys know what they are dealing with.

Also, safety first. My rules:
1.- No pick ups at my place. I dont want them to know where I live yet
2.- If my car will be at a parking lot, I take vale parking when available so i wont need to walk to my car (this one I pay). Research the parking before acepting a venue. My favorite is when my car is right in front of the place or valet parking
3.- No walking me back to my car
4.- I dont loose track of any drink, even if it is coffee
5.- I only need to look at my phone and pretend received a text or something as an excuse to leave.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by justmama

When did you all start dating?

I have been single for almost 7 years. I attempted to start dating a few months after it was evident that my marriage was 100% over (he found a gf). It was exciting and, ultimately, crazy co-dependent. Oh, and it didn't last too long.

Then, I took a break from dating for a couple of years. When I finally started dipping back into the dating pool, I met someone and we were together for a little over a year. When it ended, I ridiculously (in hindsight, of course) jumped into another relationship. It lasted a little over 18 months.

I have dated a little after him, but found it just wasn't feel right. So, I have since stepped away from dating for awhile and it feels great. I am sure there will be a time when I am ready to dip back in, but that time just isn't now.

Was it really hard?

It was hard for me when I was in a place of desperation and loneliness. That was a good sign that I wasn't ready. You definitely don't want to be dating when you feel desperate or lonely... you can attract and get involved with some real losers if you are coming from that place.

Were you excited about the prospect or did you have to force yourself to make the step?

If I had to force myself, then I definitely knew I wasn't ready.

Dating should be fun and exciting. Kind of like an extra-curricular activity that you can take up when it feels right or let go when you're just not feeling it.

Btw: there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with not feeling ready. There is no magical time frame. Everyone is different. Also, it doesn't mean that you will never feel ready, it just means that right now... you just aren't feeling it.

[Rosehip]

I just want to throw out there that for me, first dates are, and always have been, stressful. It's never seemed fun to me. I often have a good time once I'm actually there and the initial anxiety has dissipated, but the prospect of first dates and meeting new men? Nerve-wracking. However, this has nothing to do with not being over my ex, or anything like that.

So yes, I do have to "force" myself, and I doubt this is going to change radically. But, I would very much like a relationship (and I am very happy that I'me NOT going to settle this time - it's a great relationship or none at all), and I know that requires dating.

I waited until just after my divorce was final, which about 22 months after we decided to split and maybe 19 months after he moved out.

[Halfasianmomma]

Hmm, well my answer may not be very popular, but I started seeing someone perhaps 4-5 months after I separated from XH. Most would think it was far too soon. To my credit, I felt like my marriage had been dead a long time, after several years of dealing with his alcoholism, verbal/emotional abuse, and as I found out, incredible and complex web of lies...Still, I had initially told myself that I didn't want anything to do with the opposite sex for...ever. XH had really exhausted me emotionally. I was fine with being single for good and relished in the opportunity to raise my DD without XH's constant interference. I'd been in Al-Anon for a few months before leaving XH, I had reconnected with a few friends, was going out for coffee with friends, was paying back debt, was dancing tango again (YAY!) and was feeling just generally happy. I think I'd been emotionally starved for years while married to XH and I was hungry for an opportunity to start having a healthy relationship with myself. That's when I started corresponding with the person I'm still seeing today (Saxman).

It didn't start out as "dating"; it's more like "reconnecting with an old buddy". I've known this guy for almost a decade, so we've been friends before, and we tried dating before...circumstances just weren't ideal before but now they are. So far, it's been a lot of fun, very touching and also very educational. I do have minor hangups from my past that have cropped up, but then so has he, and the communication between us is so excellent that nothing's caused any real problem.

Before I got serious with Saxman, I did go on a lunch date with some random guy who accosted me on the street near work and asked me out. It was totally surprising and a lot of fun. I didn't have to force it; it was just a nice lunch out with someone new. We laughed a lot and talked a lot, but it was evident after the lunch that it wouldn't go any further. He never had any contact info for me except my personal email.

I'd say that if you aren't feeling "dating", then invest in getting to know yourself. Go out on dates with yourself. It can only lead to good things.

[DCMama01]

I've always found it easier to just get on out there and start dating fairly soon after a breakup. The first couple of dates I force myself into and then it becomes "normal". The longest relationship it took me to get over was the one where I took a break from dating/sex for several months.

To answer your question, I'm usually on a date within a couple weeks of breaking up. I'm a bit different though, because I love dating and actually miss it a bit when in relationships.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Hmm, well my answer may not be very popular, but I started seeing someone perhaps 4-5 months after I separated from XH. Most would think it was far too soon. To my credit, I felt like my marriage had been dead a long time, after several years of dealing with his alcoholism, verbal/emotional abuse, and as I found out, incredible and complex web of lies...Still, I had initially told myself that I didn't want anything to do with the opposite sex for...ever. XH had really exhausted me emotionally. I was fine with being single for good and relished in the opportunity to raise my DD without XH's constant interference. I'd been in Al-Anon for a few months before leaving XH, I had reconnected with a few friends, was going out for coffee with friends, was paying back debt, was dancing tango again (YAY!) and was feeling just generally happy. I think I'd been emotionally starved for years while married to XH and I was hungry for an opportunity to start having a healthy relationship with myself. That's when I started corresponding with the person I'm still seeing today (Saxman).

It didn't start out as "dating"; it's more like "reconnecting with an old buddy". I've known this guy for almost a decade, so we've been friends before, and we tried dating before...circumstances just weren't ideal before but now they are. So far, it's been a lot of fun, very touching and also very educational. I do have minor hangups from my past that have cropped up, but then so has he, and the communication between us is so excellent that nothing's caused any real problem.

Before I got serious with Saxman, I did go on a lunch date with some random guy who accosted me on the street near work and asked me out. It was totally surprising and a lot of fun. I didn't have to force it; it was just a nice lunch out with someone new. We laughed a lot and talked a lot, but it was evident after the lunch that it wouldn't go any further. He never had any contact info for me except my personal email.

I'd say that if you aren't feeling "dating", then invest in getting to know yourself. Go out on dates with yourself. It can only lead to good things.

I can really relate to this post...

I think mentally and emotionally I'd be ready to date... but not looking to do so while pregnant. lol And yes, it is very unpopular to start dating so soon after a break up... but in reality, and in my head and heart, I've been without a partner for years. Sad truth.

I'm trying not to think about it really because I don't want to run into the same mistakes I have made in the past... and even though I think I am more aware now than I ever have been thanks to counseling and reading several educational books, plus articles, etc... I'm still scared of picking wrong again, so that does help me to not think about dating, besides the whole odd thing of dating while pregnant.

But another part of me doesn't feel like I'm running or trying to jump into anything right now if I was to date... not like before where I was looking because of being lonely and trying to fill some spot in my life...

Rather, I'm just a very social/intimate person and like the connection of dating and such. Hard choice to make.

[lilyka]

It has been 2 years and I am still not quite ready. I was hurt so badly I honestly don't know if I will ever recover enough to bring some poor guy down. I know I am not responsible for xh mental instabilities and abuse but he tells me I am responsible. he tells me lots of things, lots of lies, and even though I know he is a liar through and through I still believe those things when he says them.

I have met a really really great guy. We are not dating (unless you ask the girls at work who insist we are. )...good heavens, I don't even know what it means to be in relationship with someone. I am a dissaster. my ex is the only guy I ever even dated and that was messed up from the beginning. i have never had a healthy relationship gosh darn it and I am not going to wreck this one by taking it to the dating level. anyway, we hang out, not make out I like it. it is nice. I don't know if I am ready for anything else. But I am ready for this. I am really blessed that I can get only the parts of a relationship I am ready for without any kind of expectation or pressure or dissapointment (I don't think it will go any further and I am ok with that although the girls at work will be sorely dissapointed). And when I am ready to date, regardless of if it is this guy or some other guy this friendship has gone a long way to restoring my heart, my confidence, my trust. I will be able to move on to a healthy dating relationship because of him. Yeah, I am really blessed. but I am defintiely not ready for dating.

[jaidymama]

My friend encouraged me to get on a dating service. It was 6 months after I had split, and I thought the paperwork would be finalized. At first I was excited and looking forward to having fun with it. Even though I was completely nervous, I did learn something from each fun, yet failed attempt. At this point there is too much going on in my life to try to fit that in. So I still keep my eyes open, and consider my options.

[kblackstone444]

My Husband told me he wanted to leave me on November 12th, he told me he wanted me and my son to be the ones to move out, asap, on December 12th, and he helped us move into our new apartment on January 9th. In February, my Husband has a "female friend he wanted to get to know better" and strongly started encouraging me to date other people. I wasn't crazy about it, but in April, a longtime male friend of mine finally convinced me to date him. I was not ready and now I'm currently stuck in a dating pattern I don't want to be in but don't yet have a way out of. Unfortunatly, my son is absolutely crazy about my boyfriend and when it's over, my son will be the one who gets hurt the most. :-( I still miss and love my Husband. I was not ready at all.

[MsChatsAlot]

I didn't date for three years. However, the first year I was pregnant and the second year I was trying to stay alive with a newborn and toddler on my own. Then I decided to date.

I remember reading that whatever you don't heal from your last relationship, you carry into the next one. I had always moved from one relationship quickly into another (a few months at the most) and when I look back now, I see how I just kept making the same mistakes over and over again because I never really healed anything.

Dating tends to bring up all kinds of feelings and stir things up in us and like several others have said here, it requires a little push out of our comfort zone to do it. But if you are still hurting and still working through things...that's a very different kind of hesitancy.

Do what feels right. If an opportunity presents itself and you're ready, you'll know.