meeting other SAHM and finding things to do

[lillymonster]

Okay, this might be a long post, but I think I need to explain some background.

When my daughter was born, within about 6 weeks, she became inconsolable, she seemed miserable and was spitting up all the time. After weeks and months of adjusting my diet, 6 months later I figured out she had problems when I ate anything with diary, soy or egg and some legumes. I never felt like I could leave her with anyone, she was miserable with me, miserable with my husband and nursed constantly. In fact, she didn't eat until she was 2 1/2, exclusively nursing the entire time. I did what I thought was best, however, it was not what "friends" thought was best and I lost a lot of friends who thought I was making things worse by not giving her formula and getting her a sitter. It was my problem and not my daughters and over the past few years I lost almost all my friends except for maybe 1 close one.

Now she is 3, and I don't trust anyone, the reactions from "friends" were harsh to the point that they were saying I was harming my child, even after I met with my pediatrician who told me she would outgrow everything. Now I have a hard time making new friends because I don't trust anyone. I am getting very bored as a SAHM and I feel bad for my daughter because she doesn't get out enough with other kids her age. On top of it, I have morning sickness now and had to pull her from what few classes I had her in because I don't have anyone nearby that can take her to her classes and I don't feel well enough to go anywhere.

Because of the past 2 1/2 years I felt like I was on the edge of my seat waiting for my daughter to get sick again, or needing to nurse every 30-45 minutes, analyzing what we both ate, afraid to go anywhere because she would start getting sick, defending my choices, running her to specialists and feeding therapists and I am scared to just let go, and trust new people and relax. My daughter has outgrown her diary issues, but has a problem with egg, and also seems to be able to tolerate more soy and legumes, so things are better with her, but I am still in "panic" mode, I guess

My daughter doesn't really play well on her own, never has, so she has been watching way too much tv for my liking, but I don't know what else to do with her anymore

I tried meeting new people but it seems like "let's have a playdate" is the new "I'll pencil you in" because I hear that and then never hear from the person again. I have joined meet up groups only to have them close, not schedule playdates or have playdates on the few days I can't attend or have rules such that I need to attend 8 playdates a month.

I am seeing a therapist, but I am not sure it's working : (

I don't know if I am venting or looking for ideas, but I am getting very bored and lonely and I am afraid of getting depressed when baby #2 comes along.

[junipervt]

we just go to the playground & play w/ whoever is there. if you always go around the same time you tend to see the same people.

[Climbergirl]

I would join the Holistic Moms Network. They seem to be forming a chapter in your area and will be having a meeting soon

http://baltimoremd.holisticmoms.org/

If you are in a different area than your info, just go to holisticmoms.org and look for a chapter close to you.

Honestly, I have learned more about food allergies (which I don't have, but I find it very interesting info) from those moms. AND, I have no one ever bat an eye about breastfeeding my 2.5 year old or talking about co-sleeping or anything like that. These moms are like have MDC in real life around you.

Some of my life long mom friends are from HMN. I enjoy it so much that I am going to start help form a chapter in my area

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by Climbergirl

I would join the Holistic Moms Network. They seem to be forming a chapter in your area and will be having a meeting soon

http://baltimoremd.holisticmoms.org/

If you are in a different area than your info, just go to holisticmoms.org and look for a chapter close to you.

That is a good idea, but I live in the boonies now - the baltimore location is about an hour away from me and that is the closest chapter.

[Climbergirl]

My guess is that there may be some other moms in your situation (long commute) that might go to the meeting. The chapter in DC had lots of moms from my area to start with (and now they don't really attend because of the drive). So, maybe, you would find someone else in your area, exchange info, and then see where it takes you???

Just a thought

[MsBirdie]

Do you have a MOMS Club chapter, momsclub.org I know having some social outlets helped me out a lot in the beginning. My first daughter has always been shy and did not play well with kids at first but does better now. She will never be an extrovert, but that is ok. She has a few friends she is comfortable with. I suggest a moms group, any that you choose, because they encourage you to always bring your children and not to have to find childcare.

[annethcz]

Are YOU following up when you say "let's have a playdate" or are you expecting other people to contact you to set up a time? I think that if it's important to you to make friends, you need to step up and make firm plans with the people you meet.

I used to be really shy and reluctant to go out of my comfort zone. But when I was stuck at home with little ones, I realized that I was only hurting myself by waiting for other people to invite me out. So I struck up conversations with people at the park and the zoo, I inserted myself into conversations with people who already knew each other. I started hosting more playdates and parties. And I discovered that I'm so much happier when I have regular outings.

[lillymonster]

[QUOTE=annethcz;15479398]Are YOU following up when you say "let's have a playdate" or are you expecting other people to contact you to set up a time? I think that if it's important to you to make friends, you need to step up and make firm plans with the people you meet.

[QUOTE]

I give my phone number and email because they ask for it, I get thier email and then email them with suggestions and dates. I guess my daughter does different things than most kids her age, but I have been told "I dont think my child can do that" or "that seems a little advanced" which I find odd. My daughter is 3, and she likes bowling and playing minature golf. She isn't good at all, but she enjoys it. She is not a kid that likes playgrounds or parks, they overwhelm her. She has SPD, so a lot of kids running around bother her and she gets overwhelmed easily

the suggestions I get always revovle around food too - McDonalds, Chik-fil-a indoor play areas, and that is not someplace I want my child to hang out, ykwim? I am not trying to be picky, but that just seems odd. Besides the close space with lots of kids freaks her out. And she can't have certain food because of her allergies. That is what annoyed with a mom's group I joined, they required to attend 4 playdates a month, and every single one revolved around food - strawberry picking (my daughter is highly allergic) to McDonalds to malls and food courts - my daughter still has issues with soy in foods, which is in almost everything, although she is fine with soybean oil now.

Maybe I just have a weird kid. I am willing to try other things, however I know park playdates will cause a huge meltdown with her and bother her the rest of the day and that seems to be the only thing suggested. I actually had more than one mom tell me they couldn't go anywhere that wasn't fenced in. So I guess maybe I am just meeting people who kids are a little odd like mine and they need to work around that too? Actually that could be because I seem to be drawn to those people because thier children seem to be like mine when we first meet.

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by MsBirdie

Do you have a MOMS Club chapter, momsclub.org I know having some social outlets helped me out a lot in the beginning. My first daughter has always been shy and did not play well with kids at first but does better now. She will never be an extrovert, but that is ok. She has a few friends she is comfortable with. I suggest a moms group, any that you choose, because they encourage you to always bring your children and not to have to find childcare.

We had one, but it closed, and the next closest one closed too. The next chapter, which I am willing to drive too, won't accept me because I am outside the boundaries

I joined another moms type group, mothers and more, and yup, that closed too. I guess it's just the area I live in - I am not sure why they end up closing

I do belong to a natural parenting group in my area, but there aren't enough playdates, only usually once a month or so

[HappyMommy2]

Mini golf and bowling sound too hard for my (brilliant!) 4.5 y.o. so I understand where they are coming from.

Every once in a while, we go to the McD's playland, but my kids know we aren't eating the food. I bring our own drinks and snacks, or just go without.

The mall play areas are great, and free! Why do you *have* to buy food at the food court? We also just bring our own snacks and drinks, and eat at the mall's tables.

I understand if you just need to vent! This is a perfect place for it!! But may I gently say that maybe you could be a little less rigid, and try to make some of these things work....??

ETA ... when I meet moms at these areas, I always ask what activities they do, or what play places they go to. I've gotten great ideas! There are kids museums and other little gems that are wonderful and hard to find out about! There is also a gym (like for gymnastics) that is open around here one hour a day for free play. Also - the Y is awesome. My kids love their play place, and we all love their classes.

[JessieBird]

I met my amazing group of mom friends (some SAH, some WOH) at a mom & baby yoga group. One mom was brave enough to suggest that we trade phone numbers and email addresses. She started a google group for us and now there are more than 40 members. There are a few regular weekly meetups for whoever is available and people often post about other things they're doing, inviting others along.

Maybe this would be harder with a 3 year old than with a new baby, but taking some kind of class with your DD would be a great way to find other parents with kids who are interested in the same things as you are. Or attending workshops where kids are either the participants or at least welcome. In my experience, most moms in these sorts of settings are eager to share contact info and make friendships but many of us are too shy to make the first move. If you can be the one who gets over that hurdle and makes the first introduction, I bet things would flow from there. Of course not everyone will click and there will be more thwarted play dates but if you meet moms in the right setting (something that will attract other moms with similar values to yours) then you're more likely to click.

Another idea is to volunteer somewhere that you can take your DD along with you, such as in the children's section of your library, or at a toy library (I do both of those with 18 mo DS), or at a children's charity event. I also heard on the radio recently about an organization that welcomes new families to our area and I thought that would be a great volunteer opportunity too.

With both taking a class and volunteering, even if it doens't lead to playdates, it will be a nice thing to do and it will expand the social horizons for both you and your DD.

[MsBirdie]

sorry to hear that about the local moms club groups. sometimes they can be too rigid with their boundaries.

[Birdie B.]

First, a hug . You and your daughter had a rough start! That's gotta be hard, and I can't believe how awful people were to you when your daughter was young! Seriously, you're better off without people like that in your life.

Originally Posted by annethcz

I used to be really shy and reluctant to go out of my comfort zone. But when I was stuck at home with little ones, I realized that I was only hurting myself by waiting for other people to invite me out. So I struck up conversations with people at the park and the zoo, I inserted myself into conversations with people who already knew each other. I started hosting more playdates and parties. And I discovered that I'm so much happier when I have regular outings.

This is what I have found too. I am committed to natural living and AP, but not all my friends are. My closest ones, yes, but sometimes I hang out with people who have different values and parenting styles than I do, and it's fine. We find other things to talk about besides our kids so the focus isn't on our differences, and as long as we're respectful of each other's ways, we've managed to stay friends and enjoy each other's company. I'm just saying this to point out that you might be able to find friendships with non-crunchy parents, too.

I don't think it's that your kid is weird, or that you're weird, but maybe pushing those comfort zone boundaries would really do some good. Even if a playdate doesn't sound like something you would normally do, give it a try. Maybe you'll be surprised. And I really like the suggestion of getting involved in community events/programs. Maybe that would be a good way to meet like-minded people without the focus being on children. Around here
we have farmer's markets, outdoor concerts, art walks and sports events where there are always tons of kids running around. It can be a good icebreaker.

Also, have you tried the find your tribe section of MDC? Maybe there are some local moms to hang out with - good luck!

[zinemama]

Why don't you just invite someone to hang out at your house? I always preferred those types of get-togethers. I'll be honest: no way would I want to go bowling or play miniature golf with someone I just met. The whole point of getting together with a new person is to get to know her, and chasing/supervising a 3yo at mini golf or a bowling rink is not conducive to that.

When I met mothers I'd just invite them to come over. I'd make some muffins and we'd hang out and chat while the kids played. Very low key is the way to start.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

i know it doesn't really much but if we lived near you we'd love to have play dates with you and your dd my kiddies love bowling and would also really enjoy minature golf

[BetsyS]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Why don't you just invite someone to hang out at your house? I always preferred those types of get-togethers. I'll be honest: no way would I want to go bowling or play miniature golf with someone I just met. The whole point of getting together with a new person is to get to know her, and chasing/supervising a 3yo at mini golf or a bowling rink is not conducive to that.

When I met mothers I'd just invite them to come over. I'd make some muffins and we'd hang out and chat while the kids played. Very low key is the way to start.

See....different stuff is going to work for different people. I would NEVER go to someone's house that was new to me. My boys are, um, energetic, and it's hard to judge on first meeting someone if that's going to be a good fit for their house or not. They are the type of kids that almost always leave something broken in their wake, and it's very stressful to be at someone's house that I don't know well.

I'm in a moms' group, and we try to plan lots of outdoor/park type playdates, as well as home playdates and other stuff. Frankly, a lot of our indoor stuff revolves around food (McD's, CFA, mall playground, etc), just because it's cheap, easy, and it's very accessible to everyone. No one feels put out by having to host at their house, but everyone can come to McD's. And some moms just order a drink or nothing at all. It's all good.

But, mostly, we do parks.

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by HappyMommy2

Mini golf and bowling sound too hard for my (brilliant!) 4.5 y.o. so I understand where they are coming from.
Every once in a while, we go to the McD's playland, but my kids know we aren't eating the food. I bring our own drinks and snacks, or just go without.

The mall play areas are great, and free! Why do you *have* to buy food at the food court? We also just bring our own snacks and drinks, and eat at the mall's tables.

It's duckpin bowling, with a ramp. I have seen 2 year olds play, so it's not like 10 pin large ball bowling. I think around here it is very big thing to have children playing it and all the lanes have bumpers, ramps. The balls are only like 3 pound each, maybe 4.

I don't have to buy food, but when you do have allergies and you watch other people eat things - I understand why she can't eat something, but SHE doesn't. She asks, "can I have a french fry?" - I have to say - no, not those, you can only have the fries we get at this place. Really, there is a look of disappointment on her face. She doesn't cry, she doesn't throw a tantrum, she accepts it, but she is sad. She knows certain foods make her sick. But she doesn't know what foods those are. And she doesn't understand why someone else can eat them. So yes, I can bring my own food, which I do, I pack food every where we go, but it's different when say daddy, mommy and I eat a different food, then say she has to eat a different food from her friend. She is aware of it, and when kids offer her foods, I have to tell them no, which makes them sad, in a general, "why did this person so no to me" way

So that is why I don't like to go anywhere around food. If it was one allergy, or something small, then I wouldn't have been so anxious, but there were 4 major things she couldn't eat.

Originally Posted by zinemama

Why don't you just invite someone to hang out at your house? I always preferred those types of get-togethers. I'll be honest: no way would I want to go bowling or play miniature golf with someone I just met. The whole point of getting together with a new person is to get to know her, and chasing/supervising a 3yo at mini golf or a bowling rink is not conducive to that.
.

My house is under construction - so probably no on inviting kids over. But I have never had to chase my daughter around - so maybe that is the difference and I am having difficulty finding things with other moms. Even my sister said she could never leave her kids alone outside because they would wonder off, she was blown away my daughter doesn't leave the porch, and that is on her own choice.

I am not making excuses, but she seems to be a little *different* than other kids I guess. At one point it was suggested she had Aspergers but then the pediatrician poo-pood that and she said was normal, but she acts much older than her age, and gravitates towards older kids. I always thought that was normal, but now I am thinking not. She would rather read or play jigsaw puzzles, or things that require concentration. She is a pretty intense kid, so I am having a hard time fitting her likes into typical 3 year old likes, they just don't seem to match up. Maybe later I'll find something that explains it, or maybe she will outgrow it, but I do see a difference in her play versus other kids her age.

[BetsyS]

My boys are, as I said, energetic, and I have two of them (they are almost 2 and almost 4). Our playgroup is made of kids mostly 6-9 months younger than my oldest son. This works well for us. They will (mostly) be in the same class when they start school (my son is the oldest), and their interests usually work well together.

I think you could find a playgroup--mine is through meetup. But, other places to start are LLL, local moms' groups, MOPs, etc.