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post #21 of 41
I'm kinda with Chamomile Girl on this one. My dp makes everyone a hot breakfast, takes the kids to school, does bath and bedtime. We split most other things - yardwork, cooking, baking bread, market. The bills auto-pay. I do most of the housework and laundry (he does his own) but after dinner he takes the kids out to play. I have a seasonal business so he knows how hard it is to take care of active boys for 10 hours a day with no break. We both pitch in so that we have time alone at night after the kids are asleep to spend together. Some days I don't feel like doing a darn thing and he comes home from work to a messy house and crazy kids. He picks up the slack without ever making me feel bad for needing a break. Yes, he does work hard but we both agree my job is harder. He can run with his friends at lunch every day and has the great luxury of using the bathroom solo. Our division of labor is fluid though. If one of us is busy with a house or outdoor project, the other one takes care of the child and domestic duties. No one in our home gets a break until all of the work is done for the day. Give that man a honey-do list.
post #22 of 41
When my husband was the SAHD, my responsibilities as WOHM included wake up, breakfast, get dressed, hand off for day, cook dinner on return home, bathtime, bedtime. I did all weekend parenting (except joint family time) and a lion's share of night parenting. I don't do much cleaning, but I grocery shop, cook, do household finance, arrange medical care/vet care, garden, maintain my own car.
post #23 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post
I totally agree with this. In fact I don't frequent this board very often because the general attitude among many of your SAHMs is that your WOH partners "work so hard" so they "deserve a break" when they get home, and I think this is crap. Sorry. It makes me mad.
Yes. I really don't get this kind of attitude at all. I really can't believe all the responses to this that say he's a "typical dad" or "wow, he does a lot!"

My DH works full time at an office. I work full time at home. When we are both home, we split things so we both get breaks. He does bedtime and gets up with the baby in the morning because I nurse and take care of baby at night. I make dinner, he does the dishes.

And eventually one of us will get around to cleaning those bathrooms...
post #24 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by odenata View Post
Yes. I really don't get this kind of attitude at all. I really can't believe all the responses to this that say he's a "typical dad" or "wow, he does a lot!"

My DH works full time at an office. I work full time at home. When we are both home, we split things so we both get breaks. He does bedtime and gets up with the baby in the morning because I nurse and take care of baby at night. I make dinner, he does the dishes.

And eventually one of us will get around to cleaning those bathrooms...
I like to "give him a break" at night because he does statistical analysis all day and he needs to let his brain decompress. Dh does better at work when he can relax at home so I try to create a non stressful environment for him. I'm extremely grateful that he works so hard for his family, he in turn is grateful that I work so hard for my family. Of course if I ask him to do something he does it without complaint, but he doesn't have a lot of "chores" per se (although he did a lot when dd was a baby! When there's a baby in the house it's "all hands on deck!")
post #25 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post
I like to "give him a break" at night because he does statistical analysis all day and he needs to let his brain decompress. Dh does better at work when he can relax at home so I try to create a non stressful environment for him. I'm extremely grateful that he works so hard for his family, he in turn is grateful that I work so hard for my family. Of course if I ask him to do something he does it without complaint, but he doesn't have a lot of "chores" per se (although he did a lot when dd was a baby! When there's a baby in the house it's "all hands on deck!")
My DH is a history professor and I like to tell him that nothing rests the brain like doing the dishes!
post #26 of 41
DH doesn't have set responsibilities with DD and it depends on whether it's a weeknight or weekend. He does a few diaper changes every night during the week, occassioanlly puts DD to bed, usually washes her up after dinner, does the normal play thing and will read any book she drags over to him. This is if he works a 40 hour week. If it's more he pretty much just comes home to eat, play with DD for a few and goes back to work until we're all asleep

On weekends diaper changes are about 50/50, he almost always does breakfast for DD especially now that I'm pregnant, we alternate bedtime and naps, he plays with her a lot more and there's usually one fun trip (park, play place, etc) that we all take.

Around the house he dose 95% of the yard/garage work and will do random chores if I ask. I prefer to do them myself though b/c I don't like the way he does most of them (I've had too many nice shirts shrunk in the wash b/c I forgot to tell him to drip dry them). He cooks once or twice a week and I cook three or four times.
post #27 of 41
My DH is an equal parent with DS. He works 2nd shift so in the mornings he gets up w/DS and lets me sleep in since DS still likes to nurse multiple times during the night. He pretty much does everything w/DS until he leaves for work. I never have to ask him to change a diaper, if it needs to be done, he does it. I also let him do it "his way" and bite my tongue unless it's a safety issue.

DH is responsible for all outside work except the garden because that's my hobby. Even that he'll help with when there's hard work (hand cultivating) or tons of strawberries to pick. When he's off, he cooks dinner once or twice and it's not mac'n cheese - we cook everything from scratch and he'll look up new recipes to try. Basically, when he's working I'm also working caring for our son. I consider my job to be a mom first and housekeeper 2nd. When DH is home we split what needs to be done as much as possible. I try to give him some free time and he does the same for me.
post #28 of 41
I'll answer the question, but I agree that your issue doesn't sound like a division of labor problem. Your 99% to 1 sounds more for the parenting area rather than chores. And I can tell you I would feel upset if my dh only did HIS laundry and took care of HIS car.

In our house, dh works from home, but he works about 12 hours per day/6 days a week. He has 2 hours per day designated as "family time" where he is basically just dad. We eat dinner and he plays with the kids. Sometimes he'll take them out to a playground, sometimes they wrestle in the family room. As far as household work, he does all the outside stuff like yard and garbage. Except the veg garden. He deals with anything having to do with the car (we have one) and the garage. He also does all the dishes and all the laundry. I know these are big jobs, but they are two jobs that he can put in about 1/2 hour per day and it's done. Not hard to remember, that's why we like it that way!

He doesn't do alot of the parenting stuff, he is great with the kids, but he is almost never responsible for doing things like feeding, clothing, bathing, etc. He does bedtime 2x per week but besides that, he's mostly just Mr. Fun.

I hope you can have a productive talk with your dh. The working part of his day is big, after all it allows you to be home. But you need the arrangement to be comfortable for everyone.
post #29 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
to the family, not to himself

Sometimes i feel like dh literally works 8 hours a day and thats all while i work 24.


I just want to know what is rational to expect.

Dh takes out the garbage and takes care of his own laundry and sometimes will wash the dishes he uses, take care of his own car, like gets an oil change, if i ask or demand he will take mine in too, but never clean it or wash it or anything like that.

I do everything else pretty much, he thinks he is being superman if he plays with dd and i mean play as in friends because he takes no responsibility for actual parenting, making her do anything she doesnt want to etc.

ex: last night i went out to dinner with friends for the first time since dd was born. He took her out for a burrito and ice cream. They left at 630 (her bedtime is 7) didnt come home until right before i did at 9:00!

This morning it was 60 degrees in the house and he decided wearing a t shirt and thin pants was enough, once she started sneezing i took over but when i asked him to put one on her (which happens every morning, he gets up with her takes her potty, while i make breakfast and deal with our 3 dogs) he went and stared at the closet and told me if i want her to wear a sweater i need to make sure she has clean ones, there were plently, i pointed one out, i guess he already asked her permission to put that one on and she refused, he said good luck and walked away. I walked away too thsi time and said fine no sweater ims o tired of being the bad guy all the time.

Anyway that was a bit of a vent but i decided i am really done with this crap. if its 99% me and 1% him. i mean ok he works 8 hours a day but he would do that married with kids or not and i dont need his paycheck anyway its not enough to cover even half the bills which he knows nothing about

But i want to have a productive discussion where I say "i need you to take over responsibility for .....

what is your dp/edh responsible for?

the bottom line is tha ti feel like all responsibility is on me, sure he brings home some money but he puts it in my hands where i have to make it stretch alone.
I want to ask why paying with kids isn't consider being a responsible adult and taking caring of the kids? IMO, you might ease up and feel better if you play and be silly with your child also!

The dinner thing, so what? Each need to have fun occasionally. You are home all day and have more time to bond with your child. Working parent will do it differently. I would also say that it wouldn't hurt for you to let go and stay up and out until 9 having fun with your child It is good for your soul.

I don't understand this morning. Sneezing does not equal cold. It means there is something in the noise, dust? hair? et? allergies? It was 80 today and my son sneezed a lot does not mean he was cold. A sweater isn't always necessary. At two, in your home, if the child says no to a sweater let it go. They will have their own tolerances and will let you know when they are cold. This isn't like she was going out to play in the snow. She was in the house and can go get a sweater if she gets cold. I would have left one out and told her if she gets cold put it on or bring it to me to help her get it on. If she is sneezing ever morning it could be something else in the air that is causing it --my kids sneeze we first ask them to go blow their noise.

Now there are other responsibility that need to be divided more fairly. Make a list of things that need to be done and divide them. Don't complain how he does them. If you want them done a specific way then do it yourself. Accept your way is not always right -- like this morning. He didn't do it like you would so it was wrong and irresponsible. This is the wrong attitude and encourages less help not more.

I ruined my first marriage. My ex would no longer wash my clothes. Why? Because I always told him how he was doing it wrong! --later he did develop a legitimate reason his job dictated that he needed to wash his clothes separately, then run the wash empty. This all took to much time to wash ours.

Ask yourself if your own behaviors are actually discouraging help instead of encouraging it. Does you say thanks when he gets the oil change or just complain that he didn't clean it? Do you complain he doesn't load the washer right -- if nothing gets broken it doesn't matter. If he puts TP on do you complain he put it on the wrong way? Does he not change the diapers because you are over his shoulder complain he does it wrong?
post #30 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by odenata View Post
Yes. I really don't get this kind of attitude at all. I really can't believe all the responses to this that say he's a "typical dad" or "wow, he does a lot!"

My DH works full time at an office. I work full time at home. When we are both home, we split things so we both get breaks. He does bedtime and gets up with the baby in the morning because I nurse and take care of baby at night. I make dinner, he does the dishes.

And eventually one of us will get around to cleaning those bathrooms...
I think working outside the home, is infinitely more "work" than working at home is. There are a lot of things you don't "have" to do when you stay at home, versus the things that are required in the workplace. Getting dressed by a certain time, for example. Yes, being with kids all day is hard (I stay at home,a nd homeschool), but at least you get to be with people you love.
post #31 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
he takes no responsibility for actual parenting,
I think you contradict yourself here

Quote:
ex: last night i went out to dinner with friends for the first time since dd was born. He took her out for a burrito and ice cream.
And here

Quote:
(which happens every morning, he gets up with her takes her potty, while i make breakfast and deal with our 3 dogs)
I don't know, taking her out for ice cream while mom gets time with her friends and getting up with her and getting her to the potty every morning don't sound like he doesn't take responsibility for parenting.

Those are the things about your post that really stuck out at me and make me think that you might want to try to take a more objective look at what he actually does around the house. Maybe try writing out a list of every single chore that you can possibly think of and honestly think to yourself who does it for the most part. Going by these things that stick out at me, I wonder if you might find that your DH does more than you think.

For my house, I am technically not a SAHM anymore. I work part time at a regular job and I am also a self employed photographer. But, my DH works full time and he is in school almost full time, so the time divisions might be the same. And since I work evenings I am the one home with DD all day. Also of note, I have a teen daughter, who has her own chores.

My DH handles all the car work, but what he can't or doesn't have time, my dad is a mechanic so he handles the rest. DH also does ALL the yard work, I simply refuse to touch a mower. At the same time, I do handle the front flower bed, because it's not a flower bed, but my strawberry patch. DH also handles all communication regarding school and financial aid, even though I handle the bills. He cares for the dogs...they are "his" dogs and the cats are "mine" and the girls. He's also the one who cleans the toilets. He also does all his laundry. But really, he also picks up any slack I cannot...if I have to be at work or there's some other schedule conflict, he will "cook" (sort of, this is a bone of contention for us), he puts the baby to bed, for a nap, runs the older dd anywhere etc etc.

My older dd does the dishes and counters, she babysits when DH and I cannot work our working schedules right, she does her own laundry and she does the cat boxes and feeds them. She also takes out the trash, though usually, her and DH often share this, and do it together.

The rest is pretty much mine. I do the bills/finances, I run the girls where they need to go, I run basically all the errands, I do the grocery shopping (and invest a lot of time in couponing for savings, which makes the grocery shopping I do much more involved than he would) I do basically all the cooking (again this is a bone of contention, I work 3 to 5 evenings a week, and am gone specifically over dinner time, yet I have to still come up with a dinner to be ready for them at dinner time most of those evenings, otherwise the stuff DH cooks is CRAP. Anyway...) And, because I am home more hours, it naturally defaults to me that I do most of the basic parenting of the little one regarding diaper changes, getting her for a nap, etc. Also, for the most part, I end up doing the basic picking up, vacuuming, etc.

When DH is home, he does share equally in changing Rae's diaper, getting her dressed, baths etc etc. He is just not home much.
post #32 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by BreakfastyMichele View Post
I think the reality here is that lots of working parents don't grasp what staying home entails. Partners who come home at night and just want a break don't understand that SAHMs often go without ANY breaks during the day. (When she doesn't nap, I can't check email, clean up the kitchen or do much else around the house. I *know* parents who work use little 5-10-15 minute chunks to fool around on the Internet or otherwise turn off their brains.)

DH works longer hours and often needs to work at home in the evenings too but he does quite a bit more than the OP's. What he doesn't do is his own laundry I'm here, I do it. Apart from all the parenting stuff (which is 50/50 when he's home) he bakes our sourdough bread, looks after our kefir etc cultures, maintains our permaculture garden and cares for our chickens.
post #33 of 41
post #34 of 41
I'm the WOHP. I put the laundry away after DH washes it, do some pick up, sometimes clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen etc. We have an 11 year old with chores so that lightens the load for DH. Of course when I'm home I cook for myself and the kids if they want and nurse/tend to the baby. DH usually takes care of diapers.

I work mostly overnights and am awake all day at home so it's almost like we are both SAHP since I pretty much leave at night and sleep at work then come home in the morning when everyone else is up.
post #35 of 41
i'm quite surprised as the responses suggesting that the OP is in the 'wrong'.
there seems to be the feeling that because her husband is 'typical' things are somehow okay and her wanting a bit more from him is somehow being unreasonable. hmmm.

i do agree though that there appears to be a much deeper issue than household chores. so my advice would be to focus on that and work on that.

i'm a sahm but my son goes to school till 3pm or 4pm every day (his choice). I'm pregnant at the moment, but in all honesty I just chill at home mostly. So I'm responsible for the cleaning and the dishes and the laundry and running the little errands that need running. My husband is responsible for cooking (i suck at it, so this is a neccesity on his part haha!) and taking the garbage out. We take turns with who will bath our son and read him a bedtime story - because each parent needs a break during the week. On weekends, mornings are for our son and dh. I sleep in.

I'm not sure how all this will change once the baby arrives in September. It's going to be interesting.

Anyway, we've always based the division of labour (household) on equality, which does'nt mean we each do the same things, but no one is over burdened. And I think that applies regardless of WHERE each parent is working.
post #36 of 41
In our house, we split the duties. We have no set 'chores' for each person. I stay at home, and dh works full time. We each do the things we enjoy doing most, and try to split things up equally. I think that if you have a problem with how much, or how little your dh is doing then you should try to talk with him about it, and sort out something that works better for both of you.
post #37 of 41
DH works 40 hrs a week outside of the home but is also an equal partner in the running of our home.
Some of the things he does at home:
-takes out trash & recycling
-cleans litter box
-cleans bathroom (every other time)
-vaccums floors
-cooks dinner a couple times a week
-washes dishes
-fixes stuff around the house
-mows lawn
-changes diapers / pottys DD
-folds some laundry
-walks dog (1st & last walk of the day)
-plays w/ DD
-dresses DD
-brushes DD's teeth
-weekend breakfasts
-does small grocery shopping (w/ my list)
I'm sure there's more I just can't think of
post #38 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
he thinks he is being superman if he plays with dd and i mean play as in friends because he takes no responsibility for actual parenting, making her do anything she doesnt want to etc.
I think that playing with a child is an important part of parenting, but you are saying that it doesn't count. As far as not making her do anything she doesn't want to, from the tone of your post, I'd bet that in the past, you've told him that he isn't parenting *right* so he is now just doing safe thing, like playing.

Quote:
ex: last night i went out to dinner with friends for the first time since dd was born. He took her out for a burrito and ice cream. They left at 630 (her bedtime is 7) didnt come home until right before i did at 9:00!
this is a perfect example. Your husband took full responsibility for your DD so you could have the night off, but he didn't do it right, so you are mad and say that he doesn't do anything.

Quote:
But i want to have a productive discussion where I say "i need you to take over responsibility for .....
but will you let him do it *his* way, or is what you really want for him to do everything exactly the way you want it done, exactly when you want it done.

My DH works long hours and travels, and is currently living away from us for 2 months. His currently house hold responsibilities are limited to things that can be done over the phone or the internet.

His role in our family in an emotional support, love, caring, talking over parenting decisions, soul mate, encouraging in the kids, partner, etc. (He also makes all the money that supports the kids and I)

But he hasn't washed my car in a really long time!
post #39 of 41
my dh is in the Air Force, he works long hours, and is on call 24/7 and frequently gets called in the middle of the night due to the nature of his job. He still does a lot around the house and helps me with ds. He takes care of all the outside work- lawn, garden, hedges, animals, helps with laundry, baths for ds, diaper changes, discipline, playtime, takes ds on errands with him on the weekends, or keeps him at home so I can do things by myself, takes over with ds while I fix our dinner in the evening, takes care of the vehicles, deals with the trash and recycle, and other stuff I am sure.

I agree with some of the PP's, that it sounds like there is a lack of appreciate going on, maybe on both sides. I struggle with this sometimes too, feeling unappreciated, or that my dh does nothing to help. But he really DOES. Dh has been gone over a month (for work) and it has really helped us both realize how much we need each other.

I also have had to accept the fact that he has his own way of being a parent, and just because it's not MY way, doesn't make it wrong. In fact I feel like it'd really important for ds to have that balance in his life.
post #40 of 41
Shortly after my son was born my mother told me

"it's so hard being a mom, you are always the bad guy"

sorry hon
I consider anything my husband does around the house a gift. You are not going to win in this relationship if you keep score. kwim

Like another poster said you both seem like youre feeling under appreciated

*hugs*
sometimes when you are working on a piece of art up close a long time you need to look at it from across the room to get the whole picture sorry if that makes no sense but i have those moments too where i have to tell myself he really is trying his best
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