My DD is 4 1/2 and prior to this past week has been an exceptionally genial child. She was verbal very early on and has always been susceptible to reason and gentle persuasion - and we've tried our best to consider her needs and preferences in our family decisions, too. In short, family life has been harmonious and pleasant, save for a brief period of some crankiness before I figured out she was done with her nap, about a year and a half ago. Prior to 2 days ago, she'd never had what I would call a real tantrum.
So DH and I were completely unprepared for the last two days. Friday night I was trying to get her to move her stuffies upstairs to her room in advance of SIL & BIL coming over for dinner. DD fully acknowledged that the stuffies should go upstairs, but didn't want to do it - started in on it, tried to take too many at once, dropped some, and then worked herself up into a complete meltdown that resulted in me holding her on my lap for a good half-hour, helping her try to calm down. Eventually talking about happy things helped, and by the time her aunt arrived she was ok (the stuffies were still lying all over the living room, but whatever.) We agreed that in the future, we wouldn't invite people over for dinner without someone around to help her do the tidying.
Yesterday, she had a minor meltdown on the way home - I was feeling pretty burnt out and needed a bit of escapism, so at the bus transfer point downtown I said I would take the next bus while DD & DH went home, so I could go to the bookstore and get a book. DD threw a fit, quite uncharacteristically as it isn't unusual for us to separate temporarily like that. DH waved me off and comforted her, but later said she'd been miserable the whole bus ride home - also unusual, since normally she loves the bus. Later on that afternoon she fell asleep on the couch, DH woke her up after half an hour so she wouldn't be up too late and that led to a HUGE tantrum that amounted to basically an hour and a half of screaming. Really screaming, like "oh jeez kid your throat is going to be SO sore tomorrow" screaming. She kept saying "I want mommy" over and over but I was right there, reassuring her I wasn't going anywhere. She just couldn't seem to control herself, and it was almost like part of her just wanted to keep being miserable, and another part of her was terrified of that. She wasn't violent, she tolerated and even welcomed being held and cuddled, she just wouldn't stop screaming. We kept trying to distract her, reminding her of the things we'd had planned that we could go and do - buy her new ballet shoes, go for a walk, ride bikes, go for ice cream - nothing worked until after a looong time suddenly the walk and some rock climbing was all good, especially as it had a hot chocolate attached (which wasn't a bribe, it's a pretty normal saturday afternoon thing). It wasn't like we suddenly hit on what she wanted, it was more that her brain changed and suddenly *something* seemed attractive again.
Later that evening after her bath she fell down the stairs, ripping a scab off her knee, and then had to get her teeth brushed. This, to me, would entirely justify a good tantrum, but all that resulted were a few tears and it took me ten minutes to argue her into opening her mouth for the toothbrush, which is no worse than any other not-particularly-good night. She went to sleep easily enough, but woke up once and needed help getting back to sleep - unusual but not unprecedented.
I just don't know how to deal with this. DD has never been a screamy kid, ever, and she's never before had a tantrum that reason couldn't break through to some degree. I think she might be having some separation anxiety from me - why, I don't know, but she's been saying she doesn't want to go to school because she misses me there (it's 2 1/2 hours in the afternoon, she goes to her friends' or grandma's house for longer and doesn't seem to have an issue with that). But then this afternoon I dropped her off at DH's office for them to walk home and she was totally fine, no squibbles at all, just "bye Mummy!" and up the elevator she went. (With DH.) I haven't been working any more than normal (I work about 10 hours a week, she usually spends a day a week with grandma & grandpa) and there haven't been any changes to our routine. My sister stayed with us for a while but her impact seemed pretty minimal, and she left a week ago.
Any ideas? Suggestions? Is this some kind of weird growth spurt or cognitive jump? I should mention that my DH has a history of genetically-influenced depression, and he sounded like a "handful" as a child. Unfortunately MIL is away at the moment otherwise I'd call her and ask her if DD's recent episodes sound like DH when he was little. But so far, despite a tendency for negative aspects of things to have more impact on her than positive, she seems to have escaped his terminal childhood gloom. She's normally a pretty happy, calm, well-adjusted child.
I should add that part of why she's never tantrumed is that she's always been really good at arguing, and knows that if she wants something and I say no, there's a good chance that if she's persistent and I can't really justify my no or she comes up with a good reason for yes, I'll change my mind. If I can really justify my no, usually by the time I finish explaining she agrees with me. So I don't think it's a lack-of-power thing, or a reach-exceeds-grasp thing, or any of the usual early childhood frustrations.
Any insight would be appreciated - anyone with a previously mellow kid who started throwing massive tantrums at this age?
So DH and I were completely unprepared for the last two days. Friday night I was trying to get her to move her stuffies upstairs to her room in advance of SIL & BIL coming over for dinner. DD fully acknowledged that the stuffies should go upstairs, but didn't want to do it - started in on it, tried to take too many at once, dropped some, and then worked herself up into a complete meltdown that resulted in me holding her on my lap for a good half-hour, helping her try to calm down. Eventually talking about happy things helped, and by the time her aunt arrived she was ok (the stuffies were still lying all over the living room, but whatever.) We agreed that in the future, we wouldn't invite people over for dinner without someone around to help her do the tidying.
Yesterday, she had a minor meltdown on the way home - I was feeling pretty burnt out and needed a bit of escapism, so at the bus transfer point downtown I said I would take the next bus while DD & DH went home, so I could go to the bookstore and get a book. DD threw a fit, quite uncharacteristically as it isn't unusual for us to separate temporarily like that. DH waved me off and comforted her, but later said she'd been miserable the whole bus ride home - also unusual, since normally she loves the bus. Later on that afternoon she fell asleep on the couch, DH woke her up after half an hour so she wouldn't be up too late and that led to a HUGE tantrum that amounted to basically an hour and a half of screaming. Really screaming, like "oh jeez kid your throat is going to be SO sore tomorrow" screaming. She kept saying "I want mommy" over and over but I was right there, reassuring her I wasn't going anywhere. She just couldn't seem to control herself, and it was almost like part of her just wanted to keep being miserable, and another part of her was terrified of that. She wasn't violent, she tolerated and even welcomed being held and cuddled, she just wouldn't stop screaming. We kept trying to distract her, reminding her of the things we'd had planned that we could go and do - buy her new ballet shoes, go for a walk, ride bikes, go for ice cream - nothing worked until after a looong time suddenly the walk and some rock climbing was all good, especially as it had a hot chocolate attached (which wasn't a bribe, it's a pretty normal saturday afternoon thing). It wasn't like we suddenly hit on what she wanted, it was more that her brain changed and suddenly *something* seemed attractive again.
Later that evening after her bath she fell down the stairs, ripping a scab off her knee, and then had to get her teeth brushed. This, to me, would entirely justify a good tantrum, but all that resulted were a few tears and it took me ten minutes to argue her into opening her mouth for the toothbrush, which is no worse than any other not-particularly-good night. She went to sleep easily enough, but woke up once and needed help getting back to sleep - unusual but not unprecedented.
I just don't know how to deal with this. DD has never been a screamy kid, ever, and she's never before had a tantrum that reason couldn't break through to some degree. I think she might be having some separation anxiety from me - why, I don't know, but she's been saying she doesn't want to go to school because she misses me there (it's 2 1/2 hours in the afternoon, she goes to her friends' or grandma's house for longer and doesn't seem to have an issue with that). But then this afternoon I dropped her off at DH's office for them to walk home and she was totally fine, no squibbles at all, just "bye Mummy!" and up the elevator she went. (With DH.) I haven't been working any more than normal (I work about 10 hours a week, she usually spends a day a week with grandma & grandpa) and there haven't been any changes to our routine. My sister stayed with us for a while but her impact seemed pretty minimal, and she left a week ago.
Any ideas? Suggestions? Is this some kind of weird growth spurt or cognitive jump? I should mention that my DH has a history of genetically-influenced depression, and he sounded like a "handful" as a child. Unfortunately MIL is away at the moment otherwise I'd call her and ask her if DD's recent episodes sound like DH when he was little. But so far, despite a tendency for negative aspects of things to have more impact on her than positive, she seems to have escaped his terminal childhood gloom. She's normally a pretty happy, calm, well-adjusted child.
I should add that part of why she's never tantrumed is that she's always been really good at arguing, and knows that if she wants something and I say no, there's a good chance that if she's persistent and I can't really justify my no or she comes up with a good reason for yes, I'll change my mind. If I can really justify my no, usually by the time I finish explaining she agrees with me. So I don't think it's a lack-of-power thing, or a reach-exceeds-grasp thing, or any of the usual early childhood frustrations.
Any insight would be appreciated - anyone with a previously mellow kid who started throwing massive tantrums at this age?
