I don't want to be the wife of an important man

[mamadaan]

I suppose the title says it. DH has a job that he loves and is playing an increasingly important role in the large (10,000 employees) organization that he works for. He has quite a bit of responsibility and will continue to get more. He is often away from home/comes home late and has to work or study in the evenings/weekend. I appreciate the fact that he has work he likes (it has been different) and that we have no money worries in a very modest kind of way. I have no issues whatsoever about the type of work he does.

I feel that I am becoming the wife of an important man and am uncomfortable about it. I don't really know why. I think it has got something to do with my life when I was growing up. I feel like I did when I got a scholarship to a fairly exclusive school, but still came from the wrong side of the wrong hill (I grew up in a hilly town). I am also saddened that work seems to have a much bigger priority for DH than giving DS1 and DS2 the calm environment that they seem to need.

I have my own little business and voluntary work that I love. But in DH's eyes these can never be as important as his work. I feel that a very large part of his identity is bound up with his work and how important he is there. And that he cannot understand why this is not true for me.

Does anyone have any suggestions on getting over this? I have spent enough time crying about it.

[lolar2]

Are you more concerned about how it affects your marriage itself, or your outside-the-marriage social life? And I don't completely understand what you mean about your DH not understanding that you aren't wrapped up in your work-- does he want you to work more? If so, why-- does he think it would make you happier or does he want the money or what?

[JamieCatheryn]

I'm a SAHM and DH is a manager in a big store for a big company. It really validates me to know that my DH knows what I do at home is really important, and makes me remember it too. That he couldn't get along well without all that other stuff taken care of and the kids wouldn't have the same kind of life if they didn't have me 24/7 like they do. When he feels like I respect him and appreciate his work he's more inclined to notice and appreciate me too so maybe that's the key. That and every now and then when he has time, leaving it all up to him for a short period so he sees first hand what it takes.

Your volunteer work probably helps people way more directly than his business stuff, and your time with the children does too, plus you have your very own business which for some is far higher than working for somebody else. There is plenty there to respect. The question is just having your DH and yourself respect it.

[proudmomof4]

I don't really have "advice" for you but I can relate. My DH works for a big German company in the automotive industry which has led to (so far?) two expatriate "excursions" (USA and now China).
I'm more of an "Eco-Mom" (or try to be one, that's why I'm here - see my profile), and sometimes I hate myself for being a "hypocrite". After all, our family income derives from a kind of system I don't really want to support. We struggle with similar issues: work and recovering from it always seems so much more important than being present as a father.
On the other hand, I really feel we need each other for our lives. My professional engineer husband is really good with life's realities (technical things, finances, ...) while I'm more idealistic.
I agree with the PP who said that it's important to appreciate each other for your achievements - that's a lot more positive than "nagging" about shortcomings or feeling small for "only" being a SAHM (like in my case - plus a LLL Leader and contributor to the parents' volunteer organization at school) or "only" running your own little business and doing voluntary work.

[windsorheightsmom]

Just trying to clarify: do you think your DH is bothered because you don't appreciate enough how "important" he is at work? Or do you think DH is bothered because your work is not as big a part of your identity as his work is a part of his identity?

It's not clear from your post whether this is mostly "your" issue (you are upset because you feel like you've turned into one of those families you didn't want to be when you were growing up), or whether it is affecting your marriage (you and your husband's priorities are diverging and it is affecting your family harmony; your husband feels that you don't respect/appreciate his career achievements enough).

Just because your husband is "important" doesn't mean you are reduced to being "the wife of an important man" in the eyes of others. Anyway, in a different kind of social setting your husband's work might not even be considered high-status. But if you feel your children are suffering from his priorities, then some couples counseling might be in order.