Originally Posted by Yulia_R
First of all, after reading this thread I realized that there are 'primary' and 'secondary' in poly unions. Neither of us finds that appeling. Is it possible for all members of a quad to be equally loving toward each other, equally envolved with each other (by the way, this is exactly the reason why I would not want to find an already existing couple, but rather two people who had not been together prior to meeting us).
I realize that I am a little late jumping into the fray, but I'm in a V-triad with my husbands RJ and Tryst. We started out our poly adventures with the idea that we were going to do the primary/secondary thing - with RJ being primary and Tryst being secondary - but that went out of the window with RJ's back-to-back deployments.
When RJ went on his most recent deployment, Tryst, with RJ's blessing, stepped into the role as my primary and father-figure to Eirik. It really made our relationship progress beyond what would normally be a secondary's relationship, and when that happened, we both couldn't see going back. After a lot of talking and discussion with RJ, both of the guys agreed to give being equal a try, and after working out some kinks in scheduling, we've all been pretty happy with it.
While I know we can't achieve true "equality" as I am legally married to RJ and only handfasted to Tryst, we have tried to be conscious of that. As soon as we PCS to a more alternate-family friendly state (instead of being in the buckle of the Bible belt), we'll putting legal protections in place for Tryst when it comes to guardianship of the kids, making medical decisions, being considered "family" in emergency situations, and the like.
In regards to quads and equality... I can't say much else about them without parroting much of what has already been said - except for adding our experience.
As I stated above, we started out with the idea that we'd have a primary/secondary dynamic with our other loves and limit ourselves to one other love interest. Perfect concept on paper.
When the rubber met the road, it got a little interesting. When Tryst and I started off our relationship together, he had a girlfriend of 4 months - we'll call her Bee - that he met online and with whom he started an online, long-distance relationship. These two had written, chatted, exchanged pics, etc. - but never met in person. Tryst floated the idea of Bee and him being primary couples, like RJ and me, and then basically doing a swap - Bee would be RJ's secondary, I would be Tryst's secondary, and because Bee and I were both bi - we'd play with one another and occasionally gang up on one of the guys. Again, perfect concept on paper.
While RJ was deployed, Tryst and I spent a lot of time together, and Bee got jealous, to the point of creating lots of intolerable drama. (Quite a feat for someone halfway across the world in Japan.) Tryst finally broke it off with her when he discovered that a lot of what she had told him about her history wasn't adding up or was never discussed until it was already an issue.
Needless to say, we've been very cautious of the quad thing ever since. But like everything in life - Your Mileage May Vary - and you might find the situation that you're looking for. I will say that poly situations don't always go as planned - in both positive and negative aspects. When I met Tryst in 2005, I had no idea we'd go from being acquaintances to ending up as we are, just as when RJ and I got married, I thought we were going to be strictly monogamous. Even in our poly adventures, I was hoping for a little fun with a secondary, instead I have 2 very devoted guys
My advice on being poly aside from the permutations of poly relationships?
- Be open to the universe and the love that's out there...
- Realize that, despite our careful planning and wishes, we fall in love with who we do and that's A-Ok - even if we may not think it's OK at the time. - -- Realize that love is messy, crazy, and a pain in the ass sometimes, but honestly worth it.
- Enjoy the ride