So last I posted here, I had just split with my secondary. He moved into a hotel as his credit is in the dumps, so finding an apartment is near impossible without a large deposit.
And we are still dating. I realized I needed to end things for my kid more than myself. I still love him deeply and we are working on our relationship. But he was not good around my daughter so I had to separate them.
But lately, I have had these yearnings. Silly stupid yearnings. I daydream about being in a monogamous relationship with J(more on that later), settling down with him and living a simpler life.One without B (my husband). I want to end the facade that we are more than just roommates. I want him to know that I do not want to be his wife anymore. He values my being his wife so much. Being his wife is what seems to matter to him most because he is always calling me his wife which wouldn't be weird if it weren't so frequently.
I will admit something here that I never have before and am extremely ashamed to admit. *deep breath* My husband B and I do not have a sexual relationship. When we were dating, I was just finishing a divorce and had been alone for a year. I was lonely and wanted company, any company. I was less than honest with him about how I felt toward him sexually and forced myself to be intimate with him to keep the peace. Well, after my daughter was born, I finally found the courage to admit to him my true feelings and he stayed. He said that he doesn't need to have sex with someone to love them and he is a great partner to me and a decent father to our daughter. We both talked about opening our relationship so we could pursue filling that gap in our relationship.
I met J a year after we opened our relationship. He is a great supporter, advisor, go-getter and lover. We have had our share of fights and are currently working on our relationship. He moved in with us for 8 months before we decided it was best for him to move out. It was intended as a break-up but I loved him too much to say good-bye, so we have been dating and not making future plans. Until this weekend, when I confessed to him that I wanted out of my marriage. That I yearned for simplicity and monogamy with him.
That I was tired of being in a marriage that wasn't a marriage to me. I have always thought of B as a roommate/best friend. B desires to be intimate in any way he can ( that I allow), like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, even a tiny amount of groping. These things make me incredibly uncomfortable as I have 0 sexual/physical interest in him. But I allow him to do these things to keep the peace again and my will is fading. I don't want to pretend anymore and I want him to understand that it's not his fault. I was so stupid and lied to him about how I felt.
Part of me loathes these yearnings( to be monogamous and settle down with someone I have a balanced relationship with), that they are selfish and immature. Am I really willing to break up my family (B and daughter) just so I can be happy? Another failed marriage? Or do I accept my mistake and live with the consequences?
Sorry if none of this makes any sense. I just needed to get this out and seek advice. My plan is to wait it out, see how things go with moving, perhaps try a separation and seek a divorce. I love B very much, that needs to be said. And J hasn't proven to be great around my daughter, so jumping from a marriage into living with J doesn't seem wise. I will end up having to get a job, put my daughter is pre-school/daycare and get my own place. All of which I have done before. But I am so confused. Some days, I can imagine living the rest of my life like this, but these yearnings for monogamy are so conflicting.