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~*~*~Poly Families-- The Second Thread~*~*~ - Page 8

post #141 of 268

*sighs* 

 

So last I posted here, I had just split with my secondary. He moved into a hotel as his credit is in the dumps, so finding an apartment is near impossible without a large deposit. 

And we are still dating. I realized I needed to end things for my kid more than myself. I still love him deeply and we are working on our relationship. But he was not good around my daughter so I had to separate them. 

 

But lately, I have had these yearnings. Silly stupid yearnings. I daydream about being in a monogamous relationship with J(more on that later), settling down with him and living a simpler life.One without B (my husband). I want to end the facade that we are more than just roommates. I want him to know that I do not want to be his wife anymore. He values my being his wife so much. Being his wife is what seems to matter to him most because he is always calling me his wife which wouldn't be weird if it weren't so frequently. 

 

 I will admit something here that I never have before and am extremely ashamed to admit. *deep breath* My husband B and I do not have a sexual relationship. When we were dating, I was just finishing a divorce and had been alone for a year. I was lonely and wanted company, any company. I was less than honest with him about how I felt toward him sexually and forced myself to be intimate with him to keep the peace. Well, after my daughter was born, I finally found the courage to admit to him my true feelings and he stayed. He said that he doesn't need to have sex with someone to love them and he is a great partner to me and a decent father to our daughter. We both talked about opening our relationship so we could pursue filling that gap in our relationship.

 

I met J a year after we opened our relationship. He is a great supporter, advisor, go-getter and lover. We have had our share of fights and are currently working on our relationship. He moved in with us for 8 months before we decided it was best for him to move out. It was intended as a break-up but I loved him too much to say good-bye, so we have been dating and not making future plans. Until this weekend, when I confessed to him that I wanted out of my marriage. That I yearned for simplicity and monogamy with him.

 

That I was tired of being in a marriage that wasn't a marriage to me. I have always thought of B as a roommate/best friend. B desires to be intimate in any way he can ( that I allow), like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, even a tiny amount of groping. These things make me incredibly uncomfortable as I have 0 sexual/physical interest in him. But I allow him to do these things to keep the peace again and my will is fading. I don't want to pretend anymore and I want him to understand that it's not his fault.  I was so stupid and lied to him about how I felt. 

 

Part of me loathes these yearnings( to be monogamous and settle down with someone I have a balanced relationship with), that they are selfish and immature. Am I really willing to break up my family (B and daughter) just so I can be happy? Another failed marriage? Or do I accept my mistake and live with the consequences? 

 

Sorry if none of this makes any sense. I just needed to get this out and seek advice. My plan is to wait it out, see how things go with moving, perhaps try a separation and seek a divorce.  I love B very much, that needs to be said. And J hasn't proven to be great around my daughter, so jumping from a marriage into living with J doesn't seem wise. I will end up having to get a job, put my daughter is pre-school/daycare and get my own place. All of which I have done before. But I am so confused. Some days, I can imagine living the rest of my life like this, but these yearnings for monogamy are so conflicting. 

post #142 of 268

wow BAS :hug to you. sounds like a really full-on place to be in. I'm kind of in a similar situation with my husband, so I can relate (we're married, and best friends, and co-parents and living together, but there's no desire on my part for it to be an intimate relationship).

Have you sat down and talked with your partners about it?

post #143 of 268

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
meanwhile, my beloved that I met at rainbow will be arriving here sometime in the next day or 2 (she's hitchhiking from a town a few hundred miles away), and DP is starting to freak out about it a bit. We're hosting a rainbow scout council at our house and there's a festival on in our village this weekend, so it's likely there's gonna be about a dozen hippies staying in our home, and things might get a bit crazy. :nut


Hey, how's that going? Sounds fun!

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Carolina Kel View Post

RJ, Tryst and I are just ecstatic and can't wait to meet our little valkyrie, Skadi! 


Congratulations!!! joy.gif

 

Ours should be arriving any day now... :)

post #144 of 268

there were indeed more than a dozen hippies staying in our house while a big and hectic arts and music festival was going on in our village... it was indeed crazy! including my lover. I worked my butt off making sure DH got enough attention and love, and that he had his space and his needs met, and what with that and all the people in the house, my lover and I didn't really get any time alone together. She wasn't cold, but also wasn't very forthcoming with affection. I can't tell if she just needed space and preferred to be with me *alone* rather than in a houseful of people or if she was uncomfortable with the situation of me and DH being poly, or if she's just not all that into me outside of the realms of rainbow gathering.

Anyway, I enjoyed it while it lasted and she's gone off now. Though might come back, in any case it's never going to be a serious thing as she is Chilean and just over here for a travel/vacation. I'm not up for getting into a serious relationship with someone who lives on another continent.

 

that said, I've been exploring a connection with another woman I met on a forum, and she's coming down for a visit next month... I must be crazy to get involved with someone who lives 1200mi away. :dizzy

 

and I've been having conversations with my ex-GF... she wants to get back together.

 

it doesn't rain but it pours!

post #145 of 268

Yes, I have had a few conversations about my comfort level with intimacy but he still seems to forget that and just does what he wants. Insisting on kissing, hugging and groping a partner who not only has expressed disinterest in physical intimacy but isn't naturally a touchy person puts me in an unfair guilt ridden place. If he could be o.k. with having 0 intimacy, I would stay, no questions. But I know that is totally unfair to ask him because I have been dishonest. And I don't want him to think of me as his wife anymore as for him that includes certain considerations I don't have the strength any more to give him. But it all doesn't matter. I am trying to get custody of my daughter from a previous marriage and I cannot leave my home. :(

post #146 of 268

:hug to you BAS.

post #147 of 268

kid.gif Oh oh ohhh!  So happy you mommas are heeere!!!

post #148 of 268

welcome polyfidelity :)

post #149 of 268

hey thanks!  i may just be lurking while i figure this relationship out... wait a second, that may take forever!  lady.gif

post #150 of 268

So where's the dictionary for all these poly letters???  DP, etc.  urr? rocks.jpg

post #151 of 268

DP isn't a poly term... it means dear partner.  DH/DW = dear husband/dear wife.  Hope that helps.

post #152 of 268

though the "D" could stand for anything you want, depending on what you prefer, mood and time of day. Darling, for example. Darn, Dastardly, D!ckhead :lol

it's also used for children - DC, son - DS, daughter - DD, etc. There's a thread in the questions and suggestions area with a long list of all the abbreviations.

post #153 of 268

BAS Everyone makes mistakes or fools themselves sometimes....hugs to you and try not to feel too guilty, even though that's much easier to say then do. I'm envious of how honest you've been with your husband about not wanting physical intimacy...at least you've done that part. I'm having trouble admitting basic things to my husband b/c I'm so scared of hurting him or breaking up our family...I think you're communication and self knowledge and acceptance is a good start to a great relationship in general...where ever that takes you.

post #154 of 268

Thanks Super8 for the words of support. I think he forgets I don't like being intimate with him. He tries to hug me more often than I am comfortable with and when I sigh or eye-roll after a hug, it hurts him and i hate doing that. Then it turns into a fight. Usually our fights are few and far between, but lately I haven't been biting my tongue as often and we ended up fighting about things I have already told him bother me. :( I just don't know how I can get his to understand and accept that I will never be intimate with him again and if we never showed any intimacy towards each other, I would be happier. 

post #155 of 268

more big hugs to you

post #156 of 268

Majik, Sounds like it went pretty well then! Sorry she wasn't very snuggly though. :(

 

Bettina, hug2.gif

 

Baby news time!!

 

(cross-posted from queer & pregnant & November DDC)

 

The baby finally arrived!!! Vida was born on November 23 at 2:08pm; weighing 7lbs, 11.8oz; measuring 20.8"; with a head circumference of 36cm.

 

And, of course, our baby Vida is beautiful!!

Our little Vida!

Our baby, Vida!!!

Vida & Serafina (smaller).JPG

Big sister, Serafina is in love as well!!

 

Sonja's water broke during the ultrasound to make sure there was enough fluid in there. haha. So we made the decision to stay, but we were on the high-risk floor of the hospital, even though the whole pregnancy was low-risk, because the pregnancy was 42weeks + 5 days. Luckily we already had our bags packed just in case. We had a beautiful sari covering the yucky fluorescent lights, and had all our own linens, clothing and diapers. We also brought the posters I made with positive birth affirmations on them that we plastered all over the room. Not to mention the night light for mood lighting. ;)

 

Labour was long and Sonja got pretty tired, but who says "Oh, my labour was too short!" lol So Vida was born without any intervention with the exception of intermittent fetal heart monitoring; her heart rate stayed high throughout the whole two days we were there. Sonj stayed in control of her body, trusted birth, and didn't even have any pelvic exams! She birthed standing up, and I got to catch Vida! It was one of the most amazing times of my entire life! I totally ugly-cried I was so happy. Haha! Our doula caught our OB-GYN on film saying, "That was amazing; more wymyn should birth upright!"

 

Our nurse came in thirty minutes later to tell us that we had changed her life. We also heard that our OB-GYN says that she plans to change the entire way she practises. We feel so honoured!

 

Placenta was born an hour or two later, and our whole family (even our doula!) each had a small piece of it on some yummy crackers that our friend brought when she delivered us some of her breastmilk to supplement with, and some delicious home made beet soup. Our daughter said it tasted good!

 

I feel so blessed to have had this time with my family, and am enjoying our babymoon immensely!

 

)O(

post #157 of 268
Quote:
Originally Posted by erthe_mama View Post

Majik, Sounds like it went pretty well then! Sorry she wasn't very snuggly though. :(

 

Bettina, hug2.gif

 

Baby news time!!

 

(cross-posted from queer & pregnant & November DDC)

 

The baby finally arrived!!! Vida was born on November 23 at 2:08pm; weighing 7lbs, 11.8oz; measuring 20.8"; with a head circumference of 36cm.

 

And, of course, our baby Vida is beautiful!!

Our little Vida!

Our baby, Vida!!!

Vida & Serafina (smaller).JPG

Big sister, Serafina is in love as well!!

 

Sonja's water broke during the ultrasound to make sure there was enough fluid in there. haha. So we made the decision to stay, but we were on the high-risk floor of the hospital, even though the whole pregnancy was low-risk, because the pregnancy was 42weeks + 5 days. Luckily we already had our bags packed just in case. We had a beautiful sari covering the yucky fluorescent lights, and had all our own linens, clothing and diapers. We also brought the posters I made with positive birth affirmations on them that we plastered all over the room. Not to mention the night light for mood lighting. ;)

 

Labour was long and Sonja got pretty tired, but who says "Oh, my labour was too short!" lol So Vida was born without any intervention with the exception of intermittent fetal heart monitoring; her heart rate stayed high throughout the whole two days we were there. Sonj stayed in control of her body, trusted birth, and didn't even have any pelvic exams! She birthed standing up, and I got to catch Vida! It was one of the most amazing times of my entire life! I totally ugly-cried I was so happy. Haha! Our doula caught our OB-GYN on film saying, "That was amazing; more wymyn should birth upright!"

 

Our nurse came in thirty minutes later to tell us that we had changed her life. We also heard that our OB-GYN says that she plans to change the entire way she practises. We feel so honoured!

 

Placenta was born an hour or two later, and our whole family (even our doula!) each had a small piece of it on some yummy crackers that our friend brought when she delivered us some of her breastmilk to supplement with, and some delicious home made beet soup. Our daughter said it tasted good!

 

I feel so blessed to have had this time with my family, and am enjoying our babymoon immensely!

 

)O(


wow wow wow! beautiful!

:happyt

congratulations to all your family

post #158 of 268

Jumping in to bump the post and say hello :) 

post #159 of 268

hello miranda :)

I have a new playmate staying in the house with us - she's a mum with a 2yo ds, which is interesting in the house. Have yet to explore the dynamic with her and DH, but so far between me and her it's :joy

post #160 of 268

I'm returning to this thread after a long hiatus. DH & I decided a while back that we wanted to move. Well we knew we did, but we have a plan now. So we've been into not seeing anyone for a while, but I've met someone who I think is interested. I feel so...old & out of the whole flirting game, ya know. So DH is really pushing me to invite her out to lunch (or, rather, take her up on her invitation to "have lunch together sometime"), but I haven't yet. I want to. I really like her, and I'm reminded of how much I really like women more than men.

 

Plus DH has been really talking lately about the possibility of a closed triad at some point in the future. He's always been pretty closed to that idea and wanted to keep things more casual between me/us and another woman. Still we're both just waiting until we move to even think of anything more serious with someone. I've already found a poly list, and they have a weekly social at a coffee house and family-friendly events. Excited about that! The only things in our current location tend to be heavily weighted to the BDSM (is there a pun in there?) crowd and definitely more into the swingers club/let's have sex with strangers.right.now thing than we are at this point in our lives.

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