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~*~*~Poly Families-- The Second Thread~*~*~ - Page 9

post #161 of 268

erthe_mama that is wonderful!!  I'm not sure why I missed the update before, but I am thrilled for you. :)


majik--sounds like fun at your homestead. :)


VisionaryMom--I'm pretty far on the bdsm end so I would feel comfortable there. :)  I hope you find a place you are comfortable.



We are still doing the infant-no-dating thing.

post #162 of 268
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post

VisionaryMom--I'm pretty far on the bdsm end so I would feel comfortable there. :)  I hope you find a place you are comfortable.


I am mildly into BDSM, but DH is not at all. Even then, these folks have no problem talking bondage - loudly - at a local pizza place. DH is just completely uncomfortable with that, and unfortunately I wish they'd just choose better locations for those discussions, ya know? I don't consider myself prudish - clearly not, I have an open marriage - but this definitely crosses a comfort zone for me.

post #163 of 268
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post

Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post

VisionaryMom--I'm pretty far on the bdsm end so I would feel comfortable there. :)  I hope you find a place you are comfortable.


I am mildly into BDSM, but DH is not at all. Even then, these folks have no problem talking bondage - loudly - at a local pizza place. DH is just completely uncomfortable with that, and unfortunately I wish they'd just choose better locations for those discussions, ya know? I don't consider myself prudish - clearly not, I have an open marriage - but this definitely crosses a comfort zone for me.

I don't blame you. My primary is really into the BDSM community and he goes out often to "Munches" where they just meet up at local spots around town and talk about things. I have been invited but never go because it makes me uncomfortable to be so public about such private matters. 


AFM, I had to finally call it quits with my secondary. The man I made future plans with, including kids and "marriage" finally decided he wasn't going to change for the benefit of even himself. The disconnect was too great and I resolved to never speak to him again, as i knew if i did, I would end up back in a relationship with him. 


Then, two weeks before our split up, I met a fantastic newly Polyamorous man. We had a great date and enjoy each others company immensely. I had decided after all the stuff I had been through with my ex, to be more careful and take things slower. And so far, it has awarded me a stronger relationship even after only a month of dating this gentleman. 


*gush warning* I met him on OKCupid a month ago. He is multi-lingual Spanish/French/Russian/English and has a child from a previous marriage who lives in Buenos Aires. I have never actually dated a non-causasian male so this is a new journey for me and I couldn't be more thrilled. We've had wonderful long discussions about intentions, understanding the lifestyle and how we view healthy relationships. So far, we have already told each other "i love you" and it felt right. It didn't feel weird and I knew that I am def in a NRE zone. It's so different to be in a relationship with someone who has traveled so far and been so many places. It's something I really love about him. He is incredibly intelligent without being devoid of emotion (like my ex). He hasn't met my husband yet, but is open to the idea soon. I didn't want to rush that part of the relationship either and am letting him mentally come to terms with my other aspects.


Anyways, I could go on and on but it's still kind of new and I have a few insecurities about myself being enough for him. 

post #164 of 268

Thanks for the congrats! Baby life is great! My boyfriend has graciously backed down a bit since Vida was born, but that may just be because his car is out of commission. lol


Welcome back, VisionaryMom! The get-together in the place you're moving to sounds great!


Yay Bettina! I'm happy for you. :)


Oh, in other news, I can lactate! Yay! I know that doesn't have much to do with being poly, but at least both my loves find it exciting! heehee

post #165 of 268

yay for lactating! I do miss it myself.

post #166 of 268

I did for about six years as well! I love knowing that I can provide some nourishment for our baby with my body. orngbiggrin.gif


Also, I think I might have a new crush! She's a friend of my bff, and she's super fun to hang out with! I think I'll give it some time before I pursue though since we still have a brand new baby, and I don't want to take away from the lovey feelings between my DPP and I right now. thumb.gif

post #167 of 268

Wanted to introduce myself!


I'm a single mom with two little girls, and work full time as a trauma/emerg RN. I was married for ten years, divorced (after several long term attempts at saving the marriage).


I've been happily partnered/living with my girlfriend for the past year and a half.


So. Where I'm at now is this: we've hit a bit of a spot in our relationship where I feel like I rushed into a very serious, long term relationship quite quickly after ending my marriage.


We get along fantastically, are raising my two kids together, have similar interests, etc. BUT.


I'm bored. Horrifically, mind numbingly bored. And also feeling very skittish and smothered. My gf is VERY lovey-dovey, romantic, over the top in love with me. I love her deeply, very much so, but not in quite.the.same.way. Not as a 'friend' mind you, and I have zero interest in breaking up out home.


I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to go back to dating. Even if she didn't want to see other people - is there a way I can bring up in conversation that I'd like the ability to see other people? Not that there is anyone at the moment, and I'd only be willing to do it if we were both on board...


I just remember being happier when our lives were less 'entangled'. We had our separate friends, separate interests, etc. It made our time together more interesting... Now it feels as though we're living together as a 60 year old married couple and I just can't see the rest of my life like this.


To be truthful, there is a girl at work giving me the eye, but I've been ignoring her. I'd be interested in pursuing something there, but only if I could talk to my current partner about it and see how she felt.


Advice? Is this crazy?

post #168 of 268

welcome ceinwen :)

I think first and foremost, as well as last and most important, is you talk openly and honestly with your GF. if you don't talk with her about how you're feeling, then there's basically zero chance of you dating. good luck! and let us know how you're going; it's a great support group here!

post #169 of 268

You don't know what it means to me to find this thread...makes me love Mothering so much more!  :)


I am going through an emotional period at the moment with a couple my DH and I are in a relationship with.  My DH and I have been together for 16 yrs and recently ventured into relationships, both long and short term, mainly with other couples.  We've been together with this couple for about 1 1/2 years and it has been amazing for the most part with its expected bumps.  Our friends recently found out they are expecting, after trying for 3 years.  While I'm overjoyed at the fact they are now living their dream of starting a family, I'm mourning the loss of our close relationship. Already they have started to distance themselves from us, which I fully expected as they need this time together as a couple. We went from weekly dates to every other week and now about once a month. Having had two children ourselves (now a preteen and a teen), we realize our friends will never be the same and most likely won't have much time to devote to relationships for a few years. 


This thread has been helpful in seeing polyamory from the eyes of the couple with the new baby, it's very comforting.  We hope to continue our friendship with them and be there during this momentous time in their lives, while letting them lead relationship-wise.  While my DH and I are still out there dating other couples, we aren't ready to open ourselves up to anything polyamorous although we would love to have that again....eventually. It just hurts to say goodbye to a relationship even though you know it's not going away, just changing.



post #170 of 268

Ceinwen, personally, I'd just leave a copy of "The Ethical Slut" laying around for a while, and have a conversation when she asked about it. :)


Lisa, it's also nice to see your perspective! You may not have to completely give up your other couple... when they start having those "I really want to get out of the house" feelings after a few months or so, I bet they'll want to be dating you guys more often again. DPP and I can see the horizon. lol

post #171 of 268

Hi! Interested in this thread but not sure where to start. Do most poly people know that they are interested in a poly lifestyle when they first begin dating or is it something people "come to". 

post #172 of 268

welcome makalani, I think for most people it's something they "come to", but not necessarily.

post #173 of 268

Hi, thanks for the welcome :)  I read some more of your older thread and got the impression that like most things in life, everyone sort of has their own journey that brought them to their particular lifestyle? Accurate? 


I guess I am looking outside the box in search of something that makes everyone important to me happy, including myself. Since I am open to considering whatever it might take, I think I'd like to follow your thread a while if that is okay? 

post #174 of 268

Erthe-mama, great book rec', enjoyed that one myself recently.  Happen to have any more good recommendations? We have a Pagan Polyamory book that I haven't had a chance to read since a friend borrowed it, but she said loved it (hopefully not so much she doesn't get it back to me, lol).


Makalani, as with many things in life, we found ourselves in a relationship and just followed our hearts.  It wasn't until later we realized that what we were practicing was polyamory and that we weren't the only ones ever to enjoy such a lifestyle was quite reassuring.  I know someone who grew up with polyamory in their family and now in their 20's they are curious to see if it is something that could work for them.  Nonetheless, welcome. :)

post #175 of 268

Thanks Fieryfly!


I am specifically curious about what it takes to truly love and care for two adult individuals really well at the same time :) It seems like such a daunting task when I think of it but then I realize that there are probably many people who would never consider themselves "polyamorous" who do in fact love and care for more than one adult at a time, possibly even intimately. So the actual nuts and bolts of polyamory are more common than one might think maybe? The whole evolution must take such a huge amount of effort when everyone is aware of everyone who is participating and everyone involved is responsible to nurture a relationship with everyone else who is involved.  How does a person figure out where to start when it comes to dividing their attention in a relationship with two seprate adults in a healthy way without losing themselves or becoming overwhelmed?

post #176 of 268

for me it's the same as the question "but how can you love more than one child equally and in a healthy way?" the first child is so deeply beloved and takes so much time, how can you possibly handle dealing with an infant and still maintain a close relationship with the first child. and likewise for subsequent children. Yet pretty much everyone manages, and no one really questions it.


With adults, you have to maintain open, honest communication, be sensitive and respectful.

post #177 of 268

What a great way to put it, I completely understand. You dedicate yourself to love this person and you do it. 

post #178 of 268

That is a great comparison Majikfaerie and so true when it comes to all type of relationships!


My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have built a life and family together. We usually don't bring others into this fold as we found it doesn't work well for us yet.  We are still able to develop very close relationships with other couples by spending time together 1-2 days a week and keeping in touch over the phone and internet in between.  This definitely  puts limits on our relationships, which is what works well for us.


I posted a couple of weeks ago about a relationship that is dissolving in a way since they found out they were pregnant. I've worked through a lot of the grief and sadness. I came to a place where I can cherish the friendship we still have while being ready to open myself up to new relationships. The universe duly rewarded me with two new great relationships within a matter of hours!


Amazingly, we met a couple for the first time Fri night, it was love at first sight. The same night an old friend of mine saw us mingling with this new couple and asked me if we were "swingers"....as she was one herself as a single woman.  So going from making peace with a former relationship on Thurs night to spending the whole weekend getting to know new friends (and old ones in new ways, hehe)! My heart is very happy and hopeful right now, which is a great feeling! :)

post #179 of 268

that's great :)

post #180 of 268

FireFly, that is great news. :)

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