~*~*~Poly Families-- The Second Thread~*~*~ - Page 3

[RainRaven]

Thanks Katie, that is the kind of stuff I am looking for. I need real info on how/ if the kids are effected.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by RainRaven

Thanks Katie, that is the kind of stuff I am looking for. I need real info on how/ if the kids are effected.

I know many dozens of poly families. Some are functional and healthy, some are... not so much. I know -of- but I don't know personally a few families with very young children who seem to be figuring out the balance of really young children and poly but in general most of the people I know who have kids under 5 or so seem to do poly poorly. Thus my husband and I are not actively poly while we have very young'uns. We don't personally have models of how to do it well and we don't want to do it poorly. Little kids just need So Much from their parents that it doesn't leave us with a healthy amount of energy to try and spread amongst other partners.

I know a lot of people who do it well with older kids though. The people who are parenting in the ways I respect the most (this is of course subjective) don't volunteer much information but they don't deny stuff either. They are going about their business with zero shame but they aren't broadcasting anything. So like, they go on dates and spend the night out and they will say they are spending time with a friend. It's true enough and not volunteering anything about their sex life. Long-term partners are usually treated mostly as aunts/uncles and they have relationships with the kids where the kids feel like valued members of the family. Short term partners aren't mentioned much.

I think that if you are someone with really good communication skills and good boundaries you will do alright. Kids don't need to hear about adult sex lives. Not when parents are monogamous and not when parents are poly. That's just... creepy and poor boundaries. Which is not to say that kids shouldn't be talked to about sex! But don't tell the kids "Sometimes I have sex with Paul and sometimes I have sex with Mary and it's ok because I love them both!" That will skeeve out most kids.

Mostly, don't abandon your kids for NRE and don't do too much tag team parenting. Some is fine and all, but you need to still be a *family* not just co-parents. Most of the poly families I know who do a lot of tag team parenting seem to treat the kids like a burden to shuffle off on someone else whenever possible... and the kids notice.

So that's my very opinionated opinion.

[RainRaven]

Thanks "right" that was very helpful.

[BettinaAuSucre]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

....

Mostly, don't abandon your kids for NRE and don't do too much tag team parenting. Some is fine and all, but you need to still be a *family* not just co-parents. Most of the poly families I know who do a lot of tag team parenting seem to treat the kids like a burden to shuffle off on someone else whenever possible... and the kids notice.

So that's my very opinionated opinion.

I could NOT agree more! This is something I was aware of before my husband and I opened our relationship up. I had been friends with polyamorous couples in the past before I accepted it as my lifestyle and oftentimes, I saw them doing this. It was extremely saddening to me to see the kids becoming "burdens" on the couples whenever they met a new person.

Most of the people I've dated have had to accept the fact that getting a date with me is difficult as I refuse to leave until the kids are in bed( around 8) and if my partner is ok with my going out on a date. This has led to never having a date with potentials because they get tired of waiting or them trying to guilt trip me into going out with them.

Que cera cera.

[Indigo73]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

The people who are parenting in the ways I respect the most (this is of course subjective) don't volunteer much information but they don't deny stuff either. They are going about their business with zero shame but they aren't broadcasting anything. So like, they go on dates and spend the night out and they will say they are spending time with a friend. It's true enough and not volunteering anything about their sex life. Long-term partners are usually treated mostly as aunts/uncles and they have relationships with the kids where the kids feel like valued members of the family. Short term partners aren't mentioned much.

I think that if you are someone with really good communication skills and good boundaries you will do alright. Kids don't need to hear about adult sex lives. Not when parents are monogamous and not when parents are poly.

This pretty much sums up our parenting philosophy. I too have lots of watching and seeing what works experience. This is my family, if you aren't into kids, you can't be into me or DP. Our family simply doesn't stop functioning as our family unit because of a new love.

I do think that the better the communication skills, I mean being able to be completely honest that this sucks or wow that totally works, is 100% what makes poly work whether within a child-friendly or a child-less zone.

Yes, I have been rejected hard, because I am hardwired as "a breeder." Sigh, oh well, next.

When DS starts asking questions, I'll answer them, just as I answer friend's questions about my lovestyle, dreadlocks or allergy diet.

[Sharlla]

OH wow, someone really cool messaged me on OKCupid and she's moving here to town from FL. On paper she's really great and we have soooo much in common. So we moved it to facebook and have been having really great conversations. I'm super excited. Even if it's just a friendship thing I think it's awesome esp since she and DH are both artists and shes even gotten a job where DH use to work.

[lemonapple]

Is it ridiculous that I had no idea that other families out there were desirous of adding more people into their relationship?! lol, DP and I have been contemplating (and talking of) adding another female...preferably one with children into our family for ages!

Clearly we are both totally out of the "poly" loop! Any resources for a newbie or just advice/real life examples you're willing to share? I'd love to hear more about how adding a person might affect your primary relationship with your dp...

[MommyBear]

My primary partner has started looking for a girlfriend for the first time. I'm both excited and a wee bit jealous about this. Luckily we talk about it a lot and I have plenty of love and support coming from DP so I'm not too worried about any of it.

In other news, my male play partner told me last night that he is in love with me. I've been waiting to hear those words and I'm beyond excited. However, neither of us believe that he is wired to be a secondary so there is pretty much a huge roadblock in front of us. I'm sure we'll work something out in time but its the waiting that makes me crazy, lol.

[erthe_mama]

Originally Posted by BettinaAuSucre

But he still somehow manages to forget his clothes and leave them for me to do, which I refuse.
I am just so livid. This is a greater pattern of his inconsideration. he leave towels on the floor in the bathroom, doesn't reuse towels, leaves trash in his room, plates all over the living room, etc. You get the point.

Good for you for refusing to be his maid! It seems like he's being a bad roommate. What I would do is say "I really like/love you, but I plan to put your giant pile of clothes on the laundry room floor, and your dirty towels and trash on your pillow if you don't start cleaning up after yourself. I am not your mother or your maid."
Being clear and direct is almost always the way to go with men. If he doesn't respond to the warning, follow through. I've done stuff like this in the past, and it greatly improves behaviour. Seriously.

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

But don't tell the kids "Sometimes I have sex with Paul and sometimes I have sex with Mary and it's ok because I love them both!" That will skeeve out most kids.

I mostly agree with you, but I would tell the kids if they asked direct questions. Imo, if they ask, they want to know. I do call my BF my friend usually to our LO though, because that's mostly what he is.

Originally Posted by lemonapple

Any resources for a newbie or just advice/real life examples you're willing to share?

This site is a wonderful resource for all questions about polyamory and how it works.


AFM: My boyfriend is GREAT. He knows about how DP and I both had pain from our sleeping pad (she's pregnant & I have Fibromyalgia), so he just bought DP and I a brand new luxury king size mattress, and says to pay him back at our leisure.

[BettinaAuSucre]

Thanks for the advice erthe!!

I really do need to follow through I have a hard time because i feel bad about treating his clothes poorly. If i just put them on his floor, he leaves them there until he does laundry, which makes it hard for me to walk around the room.

[lemonapple]

Thx Erthe_mama for the link! It's a GREAT resource. We just found out that there's a poly group on Oahu. We're considering attending a meeting as it seems fairly low key and even advertises itself as kid-friendly...

[Sharlla]

Yeah so we went out yesterday and walked around for 4 horus. this is great, she's the best person I have met since DH. Hoping lightening strikes twice

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by surrogate

Hi! I will call myself B I am 27 from south georgia with 0 partners...yes 0 ugh.

I'm from south Georgia! It's always nice to think there could be people like me if I moved back home.

I live in Ky. I'm 30. I have one male partner to whom I'm married and one possible female partner if things go as planned. DH & I have an open marriage. I identify as a lesbian and have no desire to be involved with another man ever, even if DH & I were to split up.

Hmm...what else? I identified as bisexual starting when I was 18 and later came out as a lesbian. DH & I have much more of a wonderful, successful friendship than anything.

I have lots of concerns about our lives and what happens if we do meet someone to complete a triad, which is something we've considered. I've decided, though, that it's impossible to prepare for all scenarios, so we're just open - no pun intended - to whatever happens.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by RainRaven

Thanks Katie, that is the kind of stuff I am looking for. I need real info on how/ if the kids are effected.

DH & I were both seeing the same woman for a while. Our kids met her as our friend, which is what she was then, and they never thought much of it. When we went out with her, they just stayed with a sitter like they always do when we go out.

As for when only one of us is seeing someone, we tend not to see that person during "family" hours. We have made exceptions a couple of times, just as we would for events with friends, but in general, additional partners work into our lives around the existing structure. I don't think that's best for cultivating additional long-term relationships right now, but it's more important for us while the kids are so little.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Peacemamalove

So a question for you all. Are you open with your family about being poly? Do you tell others that you are ?

Most of DH's family knows. His dad does not; the unanimous family vote was that he should not know. I don't think he could handle it. The rest of them know. DH's brothers think it's cool - which is funny because DH is definitely the most un-cool of them, but his mother, sisters, brother-in-law, think it's wrong and a sign that our marriage sucks.

My family doesn't know. They don't live near us, so it's not like it would ever come up. I've been distancing myself from them more and more lately, so I don't think they'll ever know. I wouldn't hide it if it came up, but I have no desire to "go there" with them and answer the million questions.

[Carolina Kel]

Originally Posted by Peacemamalove

So a question for you all. Are you open with your family about being poly? Do you tell others that you are ?

We're sorta out to our families about being poly...

RJ's (DH) dad, brother and step-mom know, and are like, "Eh, whatever..." The MIL, aka Gramma T-Rex, knows and thinks I'm a slut because of it.

Trystan's (BF) parents know and are insanely cool with me.

My family knows and they're in the same boat of "Eh, whatever..."

Granted, they don't know the exact extent of our poly-ness - we're basically a quad - Trystan and Bee (Tryst's GF) are my DH and I's secondaries, and Bee and I play around. We're a closed quad and it works extremely well.

[BettinaAuSucre]

Rant ahead WARNING:

SO i put a new profile up on OKCupid after deleting the last two after frustrating dates.

Well this weekend i had a second date with a really great single father (28). He kissed me and i was open to it, but i felt a bit uncomfortable being more intimate with him. So I avoided it and tried to make light.

Well fast forward to yesterday, where he says he was "open" to having sex with me but was confused when I shot him down. Now he says theres no "romance in the cards"....wait what?!? you wanted to have sex with me but have no romantic interest with me?!?
what happened to taking things slowly and getting to know each other first. First time I have a genuine interest in a guy and don't want to sleep with him immediately and he shoots me down!

And I know what it REALLY is..

it's because some men think poly woman are loose and fast. That I am not dynamic, funny, smart, or sexy enough to draw a mans interest.

I mean i have my hubby, who i love more than anyone. And then i have my secondary...who probably wont last until Sept bc of his anger and parenting issues.

*sigh* this doesn't help my overwhelming depression.

[erthe_mama]

Originally Posted by BettinaAuSucre

Thanks for the advice erthe!!

Any time! I'm sorry he's being a bit of a douche with cleaning, parenting, etc. It sucks when you give people a chance and they blow it. It sucks about the date situation as well. Some people don't even try to romance me... they just go straight for the sexy talk. Argh.

Originally Posted by lemonapple

Thx Erthe_mama for the link!

You're welcome! I'm so glad you found a RL group!

Originally Posted by Sharlla

Yeah so we went out yesterday and walked around for 4 hours. this is great, she's the best person I have met since DH. Hoping lightening strikes twice

Hope it works out!

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

what happens if we do meet someone to complete a triad, which is something we've considered. I've decided, though, that it's impossible to prepare for all scenarios, so we're just open - no pun intended - to whatever happens.

I totally hear ya there.

Originally Posted by Carolina Kel

We're sorta out to our families about being poly...

I'm so glad that your family is [almost] all cool with it! That's pretty great.


AFM: BF is going to come have a sleepover with us soon on the new big bed; he hasn't been around to try it out yet. DP has agreed, so I think he and DP are considering sex between them as well! So far it's just been me. I can't wait!!

[Carolina Kel]

Eek! Gotta bad case of the yips...

RJ is coming home soon after a three-month deployment in Afghanistan... I am totally looking forward to it and nervous as hell at the same time... I mean, I miss him, I totally can't wait to be back in his arms again and be back together but at the same time, Trystan has been so much a part of my life these last three months - moreso than we had before the deployment - that I am really going to miss having him around as much as he has been once RJ's boots are back under my bed. It's not that I am wanting to leave my DH or anything like that... it's just been nice being able to really develop the relationship between the my BF and I, and I am going to miss having him over and spending quality alone time together.

Not to mention, we're TTC #2, and I am in the waiting period to see if the magic baby dust has settled or not... Trystan and I are both nervous about that one, but it's a happy nervous... We both are feeling the pressure of hoping to hell that we get a BFP in a couple of days... Eeek!

Ok. Feel better now.

[majikfaerie]

oh wow, I totally missed the formation of a new thread. Doh!!
but thanks to erthemama for pointing it out to me. I missed you mamas
And I should have been here; I've been having a rough few weeks, r'ship-wise. - had a huge blow-up with DH and did a trial separation (we're now on trial "back together", and my GF broke up with me because her DH wasn't okay with the r'ship. though now she and he are divorcing () and we're back together. she still lives 4 hours away though, and I'm not sure how it will all work out.

really, I'd just love to meet someone who lives near me. I feel pretty lonely lately, though I did have a nice dance with a chick I've been running into at the village dance occasionally; we made out a bit, but I think she's a bit flaky.

Anyway, I'm majik, I'm in Australia most of the time, partners... well it depends on how you count. 1 DH-on-trial, 2 long-distance GFs (one of whom is in the US and therefore an "internet" romance) and 1 casually dating. Some days I might not count any of them, some days I might count all 4.

Originally Posted by erthe_mama

Where's majikfaerie?? I miss her.

Originally Posted by somanythings

WARNING: pouty, whiney post to follow:

I want a girlfriend I feel a distinct empty feeling like there are supposed to be three adults in our family and there is a woman out there...I love my husband and we meet each other's needs nicely, I guess I am just lonely for someone I don't even know yet?

[/pout-whine]

I feel ya

Originally Posted by Peacemamalove

So a question for you all. Are you open with your family about being poly? Do you tell others that you are ?

I'm open with pretty much everyone except DH's family. but they live in another country, so it's not really any biggie, except I need to be careful what I write on my blog.

Originally Posted by RainRaven

Me and my partner are beginning to explore becoming more openly Poly, and I have a question for those of you who have school age children/ or grown kids now. What did you tell the what didn't you tell them? Did any of you kids have problems with being tormented or excluded by peers or any thing like that? How did your kids react when they became aware of your life style? Thanks for any answers you are willing to share.

We have a 7yo DD, and we've always just been who we are. we've had a couple of long-term live-in GFs, and DD seems fine with that - after all, it's normal for her. We don't get into the "child shuffling" thing that other PPs mentioned - if someone isn't 100% on board with us having a respected child, then they're not someone either of us want to date. I think my child has a pretty healthy understanding of the myriad possibilities for healthy relationships. It's just an intrinsic part of our lives so it's not really an issue to think about.


well, I'd love to multi-quote everyone, but even I have limits. to BAS and anyone else who needs it.