Pregnant teenager needs advice...

[makinganescape]

I have a best friend who has 3 boys. This is the person who introduced me to AP and mothering. Her 14 year old son got his 14 year old girlfriend pregnant. (Two home-school kids...) Both mamas are FREAKING out, so I am looking for resources for my friend. She isn't on MDC, but is completely into the real-life AP community. So, here is what I am looking for... A where you can narrow you search criteria to people with the same values as you. They aren't dead set on adoption as of now, but everyone wants a decision to be made soon so that if they decide to abort, they can do that while there is still time, if they adopt the baby out, they can find a family and start to deal with the legal aspect, and if they keep the baby, they can have some time to reflect on their future. I appreciate any advice.

[sarahn4639]

I am a doula for teens and I work with a local place called Young Woman's Recourse Center. They have a doula program that offers doulas free of charge to young women. So I'd look around for something like that to start with. There are other aspects of the Center too so they offer counseling to help figure out what decision they want to make. They also have programs and resources to assist these young people in what ever decision they make. I would recommend starting somewhere like this.

It may be useful to contact the local public school counselor for resources such as these as well.

I would also advise the mothers to take a deep breath and do their best to stop freaking out. What's done is done and the best thing they can do from here on out is to empower and support these young people to make the best possible choices for themselves. It can be difficult to get to that place mentally, but I have seen the positive effects of it many times. You can support the person without condoning the behavior. Many good wishes for these families. It is a very difficult situation!!

[makinganescape]

thank you... A resource center would be a good place to look... The girl's mother is a midwife, and I'm sure she is planning on keeping her out of the OB's office. I haven't really spoken much to her, as she isn't answering the phone right now. But my best friend has been talking to me, and asked me to look stuff up because "I might have to chew through a belt to keep myself conscious." Both women are usually pretty even-keel. I think they know they have to get over it.

[earthmama369]

My SIL was 14 when she had her first baby. I just wanted to offer some words of support for your friends. Her mother was, understandably, completely freaked out. She was worried about how such a small girl, who was still growing, would safely give birth. She was worried about the longer implications, how SIL would handle things, etc. She pressured SIL pretty hard to have an abortion.

SIL was adamant about keeping her baby. She did require a fair amount of practical support -- being driven to doctor's appointments, learning how to balance a checkbook and handle keeping a house together, learning how to care for a baby as any new mom would, and so forth. She did great. She IS doing great. She birthed naturally, breastfed, coslept...all very instinctively. It is possible to be a loving, capable parent at 14. It requires a lot of emotional support and confidence-building, I think, from family, but it is absolutely possible if that's the direction in which these two parents-to-be are thinking about going.

[MissinNYC]

Not sure what you mean by values. Religion? There are Catholic, Christian, and Jewish pregnancy resource centers, if you mean religion. If you mean AP, then I don't know of any who are specifically AP. But maybe go visit a crisis pregnancy place, or an adoption agency (which will give counselling which is neutral!) and see which ones are a good fit with your values. Good luck!

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by makinganescape

They aren't dead set on adoption as of now, but everyone wants a decision to be made soon so that if they decide to abort, they can do that while there is still time, if they adopt the baby out, they can find a family and start to deal with the legal aspect, and if they keep the baby, they can have some time to reflect on their future. I appreciate any advice.

If I may, my biggest peice of advice is that no decision be made, beyond whether or not to abort (clearly if she is seriously considering abortion, the sooner the better).

I understand the feeling that a decision needs to be made right away, but it really doesn't. This kind of decision is *not* one that anyone should rush into. In fact, the earlier an adoptive family becomes involved, the more easily the young mother will feel that she can't change her mind. This is a potentially very harmful position for her to be in, and can do lifelong pyschological damage. She needs a full opportunity to consider all possibilities, without having other folks for whom she feels emotionally responsible.

It would be so much easier for the parents of these parents-to-be to feel like a decision is made, but in the longterm, that is sooooo not a good thing.

I will second the person who advised that everyone should slow down, and take a deep breath.

My advice:
1. Both families should seek counseling. This is the only thing that should be rushed. The expectant-parents should have individual counseling, each on their own. The most important part of this advice is this: the counselor must be an unbiased third party.

It is *not* a good idea to use a counselor from an adoption agency. It is *not* a good idea to use a counselor from most crisis pregnancy counseling centers. Those are not usually unbiased third parties, and much damage can be done in counseling if an unbiased third party counselor is not used.

They could start simply by calling their insurance companies (assuming they have health insurance) and asking for the names of independent counselors/therapists in their area who specialize in crisis situations like this, in adoption issues, in work with teenagers, or another related subject.

2. I would advise against getting involved with an adoption agency at this point, even if they are leaning toward adoption. They have some options including agencies. There are also independent adoptions, for example. But all this can wait. First things first, and the first thing is counseling. When it is time, if they want to search agencies, there are some listed in the resource sticky at the top of this forum. You can also probably find relevant discussions on agencies by searching this forum using key terms such as "ethical adoption agencies." I know we've discussed agencies periodically on this forum.

3. If the kids are good readers and pretty intelligent for their age, I recommend gifting them with some books such as Two of Us Make a World, a really well-balanced book that is tremendously helpful to anyone facing an unexpected pregnancy outside of a traditional marriage. I think it is really helpful not to have folks talking down to you when you are 14 and pregnant.

4. Be careful when you post questions like this. There are definitely hopeful-adoptive-parents-to-be who wait and pounce on posts like this, and maybe that is partly what you want (a bunch of PMs saying, "if they decide to go the adoption route, we'd love to chat about it with them"). I must repeat my caution that if the young expectant-parents are going to make a truly informed decision, they must have space to do so without worrying about the emotions of a potential-adoptive-parent with whom they are in discussion. If they decide on the path of adoption, there is plenty of time to find the right family. Those discussions are great to initiate once these folks have been in counseling for a solid chunk of time.

5. These expectant-parents have a right to change their mind at any point in the process about any decisions they have made. It is really important that they are supported and given the room to do this when and if it occurs. Everyone should be prepared for this, and a fair amount of back and forth as they explore the longterm implications of each decision. Until they sign adoption papers and the legal mind-changing period has past, this baby is *their* child. Respect for these two young people as expectant-parents is critical if this is going to be the most emotionally healthy process it can be.

Best wishes!

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by MissinNYC

But maybe go visit a crisis pregnancy place, or an adoption agency (which will give counselling which is neutral!)

I beg to differ on this point. Personal experience indicates that crisis pregnancy centers and adoption agencies often do not offer "neutral" counseling, and you take a risk when that is the first place you go.

[CrazyCatLady]

I beg to differ on this point. Personal experience indicates that crisis pregnancy centers and adoption agencies often do not offer "neutral" counseling, and you take a risk when that is the first place you go.

[SundayCrepes]

I agree with everything Sierra said. Slow down. Except for the decision to abort or not nothing should be decided for many months. Possibly not even until the parents have held the baby.

[RedOakMomma]

to what Sierra said. All of it.

[HeatherAtHome]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

It is possible to be a loving, capable parent at 14. It requires a lot of emotional support and confidence-building, I think, from family, but it is absolutely possible if that's the direction in which these two parents-to-be are thinking about going.

I agree. When these things happen we tend to believe it's the end of the world and the worst thing ever. It's not cancer, it's a baby. And she won't be 14 forever. She'll learn and grow as her child grows. It's possible. But yes, it is shocking and takes a bit to get used to. I agree with everyone who said they should take their time on this.

Also just as a heads up... do you know the girl's mother? Is she possibly thinking that you're butting in on all this? She might want to take the time to deal with it emotionally before talking about it with others (strangers?). Help your friend, and if she asks, maybe you can be 'moral support' when she talks in person with the girl's mother. But calling her up out of the blue... I can understand why she may not want to speak with you. (Whether or not you know each other).

[makinganescape]

Thank you all for the advice. I think she is going to go the termination route... I finally talked to her mom, and she had tried to talk her out of it, but the girl was pretty much in denial that she was pregnant, and refused to talk about it. I am friends with the mother, but wasn't calling about the preg. situation. We were supposed to stay at their house in two weeks for a function that is going on where they are, but we just can't afford $200 in gas right now on top of a week off of work... lol... So I was trying to cancel on her, but she wasn't talking to anyone... Her mom is upset with me now because she wanted her daughter to see my baby, maybe to change her mind... ugh... She has a great head, and so does the boy... They will make great parents one day...

[SpottedFoxx]

to you and those children.

Also wanted to say that Sierra gave amazing advice

[ladymeag]

Originally Posted by Sierra

If I may, my biggest peice of advice is that no decision be made, beyond whether or not to abort (clearly if she is seriously considering abortion, the sooner the better).

I understand the feeling that a decision needs to be made right away, but it really doesn't. This kind of decision is *not* one that anyone should rush into. In fact, the earlier an adoptive family becomes involved, the more easily the young mother will feel that she can't change her mind. This is a potentially very harmful position for her to be in, and can do lifelong pyschological damage. She needs a full opportunity to consider all possibilities, without having other folks for whom she feels emotionally responsible.

It would be so much easier for the parents of these parents-to-be to feel like a decision is made, but in the longterm, that is sooooo not a good thing.

I will second the person who advised that everyone should slow down, and take a deep breath.

My advice:
1. Both families should seek counseling. This is the only thing that should be rushed. The expectant-parents should have individual counseling, each on their own. The most important part of this advice is this: the counselor must be an unbiased third party.

It is *not* a good idea to use a counselor from an adoption agency. It is *not* a good idea to use a counselor from most crisis pregnancy counseling centers. Those are not usually unbiased third parties, and much damage can be done in counseling if an unbiased third party counselor is not used.

They could start simply by calling their insurance companies (assuming they have health insurance) and asking for the names of independent counselors/therapists in their area who specialize in crisis situations like this, in adoption issues, in work with teenagers, or another related subject.

2. I would advise against getting involved with an adoption agency at this point, even if they are leaning toward adoption. They have some options including agencies. There are also independent adoptions, for example. But all this can wait. First things first, and the first thing is counseling. When it is time, if they want to search agencies, there are some listed in the resource sticky at the top of this forum. You can also probably find relevant discussions on agencies by searching this forum using key terms such as "ethical adoption agencies." I know we've discussed agencies periodically on this forum.

3. If the kids are good readers and pretty intelligent for their age, I recommend gifting them with some books such as Two of Us Make a World, a really well-balanced book that is tremendously helpful to anyone facing an unexpected pregnancy outside of a traditional marriage. I think it is really helpful not to have folks talking down to you when you are 14 and pregnant.

4. Be careful when you post questions like this. There are definitely hopeful-adoptive-parents-to-be who wait and pounce on posts like this, and maybe that is partly what you want (a bunch of PMs saying, "if they decide to go the adoption route, we'd love to chat about it with them"). I must repeat my caution that if the young expectant-parents are going to make a truly informed decision, they must have space to do so without worrying about the emotions of a potential-adoptive-parent with whom they are in discussion. If they decide on the path of adoption, there is plenty of time to find the right family. Those discussions are great to initiate once these folks have been in counseling for a solid chunk of time.

5. These expectant-parents have a right to change their mind at any point in the process about any decisions they have made. It is really important that they are supported and given the room to do this when and if it occurs. Everyone should be prepared for this, and a fair amount of back and forth as they explore the longterm implications of each decision. Until they sign adoption papers and the legal mind-changing period has past, this baby is *their* child. Respect for these two young people as expectant-parents is critical if this is going to be the most emotionally healthy process it can be.

Best wishes!

This is amazing advice. I just wanted to pop in and say that. I was 20 (about to turn 21) when I placed my daughter. My abusive ex-husband rushed a decision - I got involved with an agency at 11 weeks! I think things would be better all around if things hadn't been so rushed.