Crocodile tears

[eepster]

DS (4yo) has started wailing sometimes in a very winy fake sounding manner. No actual tears accompany this "crying." My gut is telling me he is doing this to manipulate situations and not out of genuine distress.

Of course there are plenty of times when he really cries, with tears and genuinelyu distressed sounding wails. These I of course respond to with sympathy. I don't give into things I've said "no" to, but I will sit with DS cuddle him and talk to him about his disappointment and saddness.

I find myself torn about the winy forced sounding wailing though. It just feels like manipulation. It feels like something that shouldn't be endulged, but then I wonder if I am misjudging the wailing and it really is genuine distress that I'm ignoring, and not just bad acting.

[One_Girl]

Have you asked him what he is doing? I know two kids who have been able to make very realistic wailing sounds from the time they were four, but they will also say that is what they are doing if they are asked. Each has sometimes told me they are practicing. My dd also does fake crying, though she won't fess up. She used to go into the bathroom and squish her eyes together and watch in the mirror to perfect her face. It got better once I started making her leave the bathroom when she was first making the fake cry noises. I think that you know your child best and if it sounds fake it probably is so you should treat it accordingly. Kids that age can put on a very convincing theatrical production that only gets better with time.

[JunieMoon]

Even if it's a "fake" cry, the child is still trying to communicate with you. Tell him he can use his words to tell you what he is needing.

[alfabetsoup]

Yeah, my DD1 does that. I give her the one-eyebrow look and she just stops, sometimes she even has the grace to look embarrassed. Then we talk about what she needs.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Like a PP, when its "fake" crying I remind DD that I need her to use words to tell me what is wrong. If she continues to do the whining thing, I will move out of range because it hurts my ears (but I'm still available).

For DD, it does seem to be a mixture of practice and seeing what will happen. I continue to address the need underneath, and figure its a good opportunity for me to practice empathy while she's practicing whining. I don't really see it so much as manipulation as just trying on a feeling. Just another way of exploring the world of emotions.

[jkn]

My DS does this too. If I know for certain that he is "faking" I don't respond in the same way as I would when I know he is genuinely upset. Mostly, I just tell him to use words, and to try his best to tell me what is wrong, what he wants etc. I make sure he knows he's not in 'trouble' for it, but a better way to express yourself, when you can, is to tell people how you are feeling.

[AllisonR]

Oh Puleeze! My Dd is the pro of crocodile tears, esp. when DS is bugging her or not giving her what she wants. I think it's a "youngest child" thing.

I give them space to work it out amoungst themselves, and if they can't, then I get involved but try to be as neutral as possible. I try not to condone or condemn her behaviour.

[sarahr]

My 3.5 yr old does this a lot. When I ask her what she's doing, her normal response is that she's "pretending to be sick." I tell her that if she's sick she should go lie down in bed. That usually ends it.

I see fake crying as just another form of whining. And, like someone here suggested, I don't speak or understand whine.

[Surfacing]

[Marimami]

When DD started that, I felt it was important that she understand that we need to know when she was really in pain, danger, hurt, in need of something. I shared the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf to help her understand the difference. It really made sense to her, and we were able to get to a point where we could ask -- "are you wolf crying?" Often she will just start laughing when we ask her.

Holli

[staceychev]

Originally Posted by JunieMoon

Even if it's a "fake" cry, the child is still trying to communicate with you. Tell him he can use his words to tell you what he is needing.

I'm a very emotional and thin-skinned person. I still have very strong memories of my mom and dad accusing me of "crocodile tears" and feeling totally alone because they didn't even try to understand how I was feeling.

That being said, now that I have an almost-five year old, I'm well aware of that feeling of being manipulated. But, just because it's manipulation, doesn't mean she doesn't feel it deeply. I try to keep these two ideas in mind while I try to address her real feelings while standing my ground and setting boundaries. (And, lest I come across as "La la la. I'm such an awesome mom," I want to stress that this doesn't always work!)