Single moms (especially solo moms): how to deal with disrespect and attitude from 12 year olds...

[Mama Soltera]

I guess the title says it all. The 12 year old is a boy. No dad in the picture (but does have male role models). I definitely do the mother and father thing and hold the line but -- I'm looking for some fresh ideas for how to deal with all of this. He's an angel for everyone else of course but I feel like this disrespect and attitude (actually yelling at me and *always* having that "tone") is only going to get worse. I need creative and productive ways of dealing with this. We talk a lot when he's in a good place and he always seems to get it but he goes right back to the bad place. I do as many natural consequences as possible and he loses priveledges/things and has to go hang out in his room (if he's being unsafe to the rest of the family) but I feel like there's something else I could be doing and I'm just so caught up in it and stressed out by it that maybe there's a simple solution I'm not able to see. I would love any help with this from moms who have been there.

[VocalMinority]

I just don't think there's a quick fix for this, so maybe you should put that hope out of your mind. Consistent natural consequences ("You're going to mouth off to me while I'm getting ready to take you to the movie with your friend? Gues what? You're no longer going.") seem best. You just have to realize it may take a while for the message to really get through. Kids this age are starting puberty - they're moody. They're also socially insecure - big changes with school and friends are on the horizon (or have already happened) - and they tend to take out their frustrations on the people they feel most secure with.

My husband and I are raising his 11-year-old son, who has just recently gone from cute-little-boy to having an interest in girls and sounding like he knows everything and his father and I are sometimes just too stupid to explain things to. It's frustrating - especially since I'm not actually his mother, I just get to do all the work and put in all the personal/emotional investment as if I were. My husband and I are, to some extent, in the shadow of this Mom (ex-wife) who lives across the country and chiefly only parents him during vacation time - doesn't have to discipline him, doesn't have to make him do his homework... All his time with her is party time.

We have some success with asking, "Would you talk like that to your teacher?" He's still reasonable enough to admit that he wouldn't. Then we ask, "And am I less important/Do I deserve less respect than your teacher?"

I also try, when I really feel like exploding at him, to speak SUPER calmly and be very blunt: "I am trying to make sure you have some fun with your friends today, because I LIKE for you to enjoy yourself on the weekends. But when you talk to me like that, it just makes me feel angry. Now, let's start over with this conversation." Or, "I love you and if you're upset about something, I would truly like to know what it is and see if I can help. But when you take it out on me, it just makes me want to be away from you."

When he's really grouchy and I think there's something else he's irritated about (like a kid at school hurt his feelings, or he's apprehensive about flying out to his Mom's for the summer, because he misses everything with his friends), I'll force him to run errands with me - and be sure to include a lot of driving. It's pretty amazing how kids that age (all the way through their teens) will open up about things, if you just drive and don't look at them or talk much.


So, hang in there! You're not the only one. By the time kids are 30, they're almost always nicer than they were in their teens!

[amynbebes]

Not a clue. I'll be looking for responses. My 13 yr old has had me in tears one too many times recently.

[Jyotsna]

If your son is not being safe (throwing, hitting, breaking things, or people) then there may be something else going on besides puberty. He could have a mood disorder, anxiety disorder or something else. Best to get it checked out and do what you can now before he is bigger than you. My son is now bigger than me, and I have realized I can't handle him all by myself anymore...when he is being very negative, aggressive or worse.