Child spacing Q...

[ann_of_loxley]

Not about the best...

Just looking for any mothers out there who...

1). Have a large-ish spacing between the first two (for example - mine is nearly 5 years) ...

and

2). Have an even larger spacing between the second and the third... (6 years +?)...

And how do you find that?

[lyterae]

Subbing... There is going to be at least 5 years between our first and second, most likely more of a gap than that.

[ann_of_loxley]

I am just thinking - if i were lucky to convince my DH to have a third...an even larger spacing would be ideal. More for financial reasons. My ideal is four children - I never wanted an uneven number...but I would take three over no-more any day! lmao

Just wondering how other parents find it if this is what their child bunch looks like!

[emamum]

theres 8 years between my first and second but will only be 17 months ish between 2 and 3

[hollytheteacher]

hopin' this new little bean is sticky...

and if it is our 2 will be exactly 3.5 years apart.

whoops did read the whole op before answering...sorry that wasn't very helpful lol

I could add though that DH has a sister that's 18 months older than him and a brother that is 8 years younger.

[ann_of_loxley]

How does your DH find that?

[Earthy Mama]

My 1st two are 4 years apart. 2nd and 3rd will be 7 years 10 months apart.

I'll be interested in how this 3rd child spacing will work out. On the one hand, the other two are very self sufficient. On the other, i can see jealousy of my time being a factor.

[columbusmomma]

Mine are a bit over 5 years apart. Love it! Don't have a 3rd though.

[ann_of_loxley]

Originally Posted by Earthy Mama

My 1st two are 4 years apart. 2nd and 3rd will be 7 years 10 months apart.

I'll be interested in how this 3rd child spacing will work out. On the one hand, the other two are very self sufficient. On the other, i can see jealousy of my time being a factor.

Gonna keep my eye on you - let me know how it goes! hehe

[Limabean1975]

Not precisely what you're looking for, but I have a friend who has a 14 y.o., a 9 y.o., a 4 y.o. and a 7 m.o. , and she is very happy about the spacing.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

Not about the best...

Just looking for any mothers out there who...

1). Have a large-ish spacing between the first two (for example - mine is nearly 5 years) ...

and

2). Have an even larger spacing between the second and the third... (6 years +?)...

And how do you find that?

DS and DD1 are 7 years apart. We were going to wait another 7 years before going for #3, but DD2 was too impatient to wait that long. She came 2.5 years after DD1!

[ann_of_loxley]

Originally Posted by Limabean1975

Not precisely what you're looking for, but I have a friend who has a 14 y.o., a 9 y.o., a 4 y.o. and a 7 m.o. , and she is very happy about the spacing.

How do her children find it? - Could you ask them for me? lol Especially the much older ones!?...?? (or would that be weird? lol).

I know I personally will like the spacing - just wondering how the children will find it! lol

[ollyoxenfree]

I didn't answer at first, because my own dc are 3 years apart and I only have 2. But I realized that my siblings and I fit the pattern you are interested in. There's almost 5 years between the first 2 in our family, and another 4.5 years between the next 2. Then there's a 2 year gap and another 2 year gap.

The eldest was 13 y.o. when my youngest sibling was born. She has no interest in having her own children because, in her words "I've changed enough diapers to last me a lifetime." I know the 2 eldest were fairly resentful of losing parental attention and having babysitting duties thrust upon them when they were in their teens.

The youngest in the family have only vague memories of the 2 eldest living at home, because one moved out for university by the time she was 18 (so when the youngest was 5) and the other married young and also moved out a couple of years later. Today, we're not particularly close, although we see each other fairly often for family functions. There aren't real rifts either. There are a few personality conflicts, but nothing that you wouldn't expect in a fairly large family with strong personalities and beliefs.

I think the difference in ages meant that we had little in common as children, other than the same address. My memories of family vacations etc. are that the 2 older siblings went off and did their own thing, unless they were charged with babysitting duties. By the time we all could participate in the same activities, the 2 older siblings had moved out. In some ways, it's almost as if my parents had 2 separate families.

[emamum]

i am 27.. i have a 25 year old brother, a 19 year old brother, an 18 year old sister a 16 year old sister,a 13 year old brother. a 2 year old brother and a nearly 1 year old brother

[quantumleap]

Our kids are (hopefully!) going to be all about two years apart, but, I grew up in a family sot of like what you're describing. There are only 2.5 years between my little sister and I, and then there's an almost 8.5 year gap between my sister and my brother. We mostly loved having him around. He was cute, we got to do a lot of "young" activities that we still found fun without losing any "cool" factor because he was our excuse (riding merry go rounds, visiting children's museums, etc). I was often on tap for baby-sitting though, and really resented that, especially because I was never (or, so rarely that I don't remember it!) paid.
I moved out when he was seven. Before that, I was busy with an advanced academic curriculum in high school, competitive swimming, dance, friends, part time jobs, etc. I worked over the summers, and he travelled with my parents. As a result, not only do we not have very many shared childhood memories, I also feel like I don't know him.
I've often said, to both my parents and anyone else who asks, that I love my brother, and am really glad he's here, but that I wish he had been born five or six years earlier.
In some ways, I can see the appeal to a parent in such wide spacing, and I do think the kids benefit from more intensive attention that they wouldn't get if they were competing with two or three very close in age siblings. But, in terms of sibling relationships, I think it's very much less than ideal.
Not that I want to rain on your parade. I'd still rather have my brother than not!

[StephandOwen]

My mom's kids are 29, 27, 26 (me), 24, 14, 7 and 3

I was 12 when the now 14 year old was born. It was fun having her around! Now that we're older I don't really have that great of a relationship with her. I moved out of the state so only see her a few times a year. Same with the 7 and 3 year olds. I was the 7 year olds nanny from birth to her 5th birthday. I love that little rugrat and am sad I don't get to see her much anymore

As for me.... my son will be 7 this fall. I don't plan on having any more children for 3-4 more years so he'll be 10 or so when/if I have another baby. That spacing does worry me, but it is what it is.

[BarefootGirl]

I'm the oldest of 3 - brother is 2.5 yrs younger, sister is 7 years younger than me, 5ish younger than him. I always felt my brother and I were too close in age. We did play together a lot, but fought a lot as well. I also feel like I was jealous/resentful when he came along because I remember often feeling like he was the favorite and I was always very passive, afraid to ask for what I wanted, stand up for myself etc. My mom said it was difficult in the beginning and she would've liked more spacing between us because she felt she had to push some independence on me before I was ready for it.

My sis being 7 years younger than me was nice. I was old enough to help my mom out with her and old enough to mostly ignore her when she was annoying me. My brother on the other hand fought with her a lot (they are 5 years apart), but I think that had more to do with him having zero patience as a child.

I'm pregnant with my first now and hoping to have 2 (maybe 3) that are about 3-4 years apart, but I'll take what I can get I would've liked to have had 4 spaced 4 years apart, but I don't think I'll be able to - I'm already 29 and have fertility issues.

[ann_of_loxley]

From what I am reading - perhaps part of the potential success with be to not put 'babysitting' duties onto the older child? I think I would resent that as well. It is why I don't ask my DS to do anything regarding 'baby care' now - but happily allow him if he wants to! (and he does sometimes! ) I don't want him to resent his brother because of mundane tasks. If that makes any sense!

[SilverFish]

i only have one kid, but my siblings fit the pattern. my one sister and i are only 18 mos apart, but i am a full 7 1/2 years older than the youngest in our family. we weren't really meant to be that far apart... my 3rd sister died as a young child, so we were supposed to be 1 1/2 yr, 2 yrs, and 4 yrs apart. anyway, like some other people have said, we loved having a new baby around, and i know it was much easier on my mom to have two older girls who were willing and able to help out, and at the very least be a bit more indepedent.

my closer sister and i were too close in age and too different in personality to really get along as teenagers/adults (VERY competitive), but we were really close as kids. my youngest sister and i were too far apart in age to really interact much, and there wasn't any intensity to our feelings about each other. we love each other and enjoy being sisters, but it's hard to feel very strongly about someone who is in a totally different stage of life (does that make sense?).... when i was in highschool, she was just a little kid that i could benignly pat on the head and ignore if i wanted too. now that i'm married and have my own kid, i have to make a real effort to stay involved in her life in any meaningful way.

i think it is nice for her, to have two older sisters that have kids and families, but still get all the benefits of being an only child (which fits her personality)... she gets to travel, her pick of bedrooms, choice of activities, much more freedom etc. all of which come from having older, more experienced, relaxed and financially stable parents than they were when we were young. if she weren't the type to really thrive on independance and solitude, i'd feel sorry for her that she missed out on all the chaos and fun that comes from having 3 siblings close in age, but i'm also a tad jealous of the life she's had.

anyway, i'd say it can work, but it depends so much on the personality of the individual kids that there's no way to really plan on it. i didn't really like having a sibling close in age either, but that's because our personalities clashed... my youngest sister loves her life, but it's as much a result of her personality as it is of circumstance. i think you need to be mindful of treating your older ones as built in house help in any situation, not just when there's a younger sibling.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

From what I am reading - perhaps part of the potential success with be to not put 'babysitting' duties onto the older child? I think I would resent that as well. It is why I don't ask my DS to do anything regarding 'baby care' now - but happily allow him if he wants to! (and he does sometimes! ) I don't want him to resent his brother because of mundane tasks. If that makes any sense!

I think being involved and helping with a younger sibling is fine. It's how things should be, actually. The expectations about what the older sibling can manage have to be realistic, though. There also has to be appreciation for the help. Taking an older sibling for granted as a built-in, unpaid sitter won't foster good relations in a family.

The other issue is the fact that children with large gaps in age often have very little in common. I think sensitive parents can help bridge the divide by helping to find some common interests. They can promote family unity and bridge the divide that naturally occurs between toddlers and teens.

Really, though, there isn't much a parent can do if there is a 10 or more year gap between children, and the oldest one has left home before the youngest really has solid memories of them as a family. The shared experiences and memories that bind family members together just won't exist. I don't think that's a reason not to plan a family with large age spaces - just recognize what can happen. After all, some children stay in the family home for 20 or 30 years, so it doesn't have to happen!