Anyone twice divorced?

[DeerMother]

Sometimes I feel like a total loser. I'll be 31 or 32 and twice divorced. Other times I think, gee, I made some really bad choices when choosing a spouse but I'm glad I didn't make the mistake of staying with either of them.

I swear up and down I'll never so much as date again, but I don't know how realistic that is.

[*MamaJen*]

I would totally pick twice divorced over once miserably married for a long, long time.
But seriously, yeah, it's worth sitting down and taking a long hard look at yourself and figuring out why you were attracted to the wrong people or what caused the relationship to fail. After a string of bad relationships, I took about six months off from dating to really take stock in myself and try to avoid repeating the same mistakes. I feel like I've come a long way.

[CrazyCatLady]

I'm in the process of divorcing the same guy that I was married to and divorced once already. So yeah, pretty embarrassing. I'm getting myself some serious therapy so I can stop making the same mistakes over and over.

Don't point in beating yourself up over it though. What's done is done. Live and learn and all that...

[VocalMinority]

Maybe you should look at it this way: You're getting your second divorce and AREN'T a senior citizen! When you find the RIGHT man, you'll still be young enough to have a family with him, if you want to. You have plenty of time to learn, improve and start over!

Plenty of people - myself included - were not fully clear who they were, what they wanted, etc. until their early to mid-30's. If you have some unhealthy patterns, in terms of what kind of men you choose or how you interact once you're committed, there is every hope in the world that you can improve and make a better match in your 30's than you did in your 20's!

As a former twenty-something-single-mom, here's my advice: DON'T date, until:
* You get to a point where you're satisfied with your life on your own and you truly feel that if you never find another man, you will be OK. (Then if Mr. Right just happens along, you'll know you're not with him because you're needy or lonely.)
* You get completely over feeling angry toward your ex and are able to say out loud what went wrong - and take at least partial ownership of the poor decision/poor behavior/whatever. I.e., don't date while your explanation for your last break-up is still simply, "It turned out he was a real jerk." Maybe he is! But it's bigger than that. Either you missed that he was a jerk, or you liked a jerk, at first. Take some time to understand that. (Then you stand a better chance of not repeating mistakes.)

Those two tips worked well for me - and no one gave me that advice, at the time. I met the love of my life 6 or so years after my ex and I broke up. Now we're married and have a baby - and I'm glad I waited for him, instead of spending those years riding some exhausting emotional roller-coaster searching for the next guy.

[doubledutch]

i will be, at 30.

jeannine, i love your perspective on it! and yeah, i've been working hard in therapy, as to why i've chosen these relationships, so that i won't repeat my mistakes.

[lindalu]

I started a post like this recently, but never finished it. This is really hard for me to admit - but, yes, I am twice divorced. For those of you have seen my recent posts, you know I am struggling in my third (so hard to say) marriage and considering leaving.

It does seem a stigma. I don't come across like "loser" or "unloveable" or any other thing people might think,

I have made peace with my tendencies towards very bad choices and rushing into things. Two of my marriages have begun less than six months after meeting the man.

After my second divorce, I was convinced to never make the same mistake again. But I did so BIG TIME. I should have been in therapy at the time. I had lots of emotional things going on - I knew it -marrying -was a bad thing. It was almost like I was punishing myself.

So, anyway, it is a hard thing. I think I would be ok if my current husband (father of my only children) were not such a mess. But we are, so yes, I think what will another divorce say about me? Just recently, my father basically told me I don't have what it takes to be married. He is totally against any thoughts of my husband and I separating - children involved, etc.- does not know the details of the problems. But, it was one of the more painful things anyone has ever said to me. He has always been supportive - now I know there will be distance between us.

For the record, all three of my Hs have been diagnosed in counseling with personality disorders and some form of serious depression. Some more major than others. So, I am not saying I do not contribute. But these are not your typical "nice, normal" men I have chosen.

I wish you the best. Being "real" with onesself is so important. I get lost easily in a relationship and lose my usual objectivity. You can be ok.

For me, if this marriage does end, I will try to move somewhere where all those around me don't know my life history. Like I said, I am close to being at peace with all my bad choices - although once in a while, I have to give in to having a pity party for myself. Such regret. I don't need reminders from all around me-

You are not a loser. You have obviously thought deeply about all this and are not making decisions lightly. Thank you for posting-

[ValarieR]

I am soon to be twice divorced as well.... wth a five month old baby. I am actually really thankful to know there are other women in the same boat as myself! It's pretty scary right now- I really want more kids, and a loving partner with whom to share that joy, but I am terrified to trust another man... both of my marriages have involved seemingly normal, kind men turning out to be very dishonest people who don't really love me.

For the moment I am still married to my son's father, but only on paper, as he chose to move out of state shortly after the birth. So I am in limbo.... not quite able to date, but certainly not in a relationship either.

[DeerMother]

Relieved I'm not alone! I do find it more painful the second time around but I didn't have children with the first. They are, in many ways similar men and there are many similarities in the way they treated me. Absolutley I should take some ownership in that; I'm in therapy to figure out what that ownership should be.

I think I put some if the stigma on myself because some of my peers have not married once. My first x and I lived out of state and the marriage was very short so most of my new friends don't even know about it.

Anyway, hugs and healing to you all.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm going through my second divorce...

And I have to disagree with taking responsibility for it to an extent. I agree it's good to own and see the bad choices of getting involved with someone who likely exhibited some kind of flags... but I don't want any woman to feel they have to take responsibility for being abused. There is no shame in leaving a man who abused you and it is not your fault that he treated you that way. You did not make him treat you that way.

And quite honestly, not all abusers exhibit bad behavior right from the start... how else do you think they hook you in?

Sorry this just hit me wrong because STBX yells at me at least once a week about owning up to my part in what made this marriage fail. Sorry, I did not cause him to abuse me so no, I will not own up to that. And I worked my butt off trying to live by his rules etc... what he sees I did wrong was at the end when I started to be a person instead of an insect under his thumb.

I will own that I have had a history of choosing abusers, and I know why that is, and I most certainly have my eyes more open now and will continue to stay in counseling... that is as far as my owning to anything goes... but I will not ever own being part of breaking up my marriage... ex chose that with how he chose to treat us.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by JSMa

I'm going through my second divorce...

And I have to disagree with taking responsibility for it to an extent. I agree it's good to own and see the bad choices of getting involved with someone who likely exhibited some kind of flags... but I don't want any woman to feel they have to take responsibility for being abused. There is no shame in leaving a man who abused you and it is not your fault that he treated you that way. You did not make him treat you that way.

And quite honestly, not all abusers exhibit bad behavior right from the start... how else do you think they hook you in?

Sorry this just hit me wrong because STBX yells at me at least once a week about owning up to my part in what made this marriage fail. Sorry, I did not cause him to abuse me so no, I will not own up to that. And I worked my butt off trying to live by his rules etc... what he sees I did wrong was at the end when I started to be a person instead of an insect under his thumb.

I will own that I have had a history of choosing abusers, and I know why that is, and I most certainly have my eyes more open now and will continue to stay in counseling... that is as far as my owning to anything goes... but I will not ever own being part of breaking up my marriage... ex chose that with how he chose to treat us.

It makes me so glad to hear you say that like you mean it. After all those months and years struggling and trying to "fix" the relationship, I'm so glad that you're free -- free in that you've left him, but also free in your own mind.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

::raising hand to join this club::

I love all the perspectives in this thread!