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Anyone twice divorced? - Page 2

post #21 of 23
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post

I'm going through my second divorce...

And I have to disagree with taking responsibility for it to an extent. I agree it's good to own and see the bad choices of getting involved with someone who likely exhibited some kind of flags... but I don't want any woman to feel they have to take responsibility for being abused. There is no shame in leaving a man who abused you and it is not your fault that he treated you that way. You did not make him treat you that way.

And quite honestly, not all abusers exhibit bad behavior right from the start... how else do you think they hook you in?

Sorry this just hit me wrong because STBX yells at me at least once a week about owning up to my part in what made this marriage fail. Sorry, I did not cause him to abuse me so no, I will not own up to that. And I worked my butt off trying to live by his rules etc... what he sees I did wrong was at the end when I started to be a person instead of an insect under his thumb.

I will own that I have had a history of choosing abusers, and I know why that is, and I most certainly have my eyes more open now and will continue to stay in counseling... that is as far as my owning to anything goes... but I will not ever own being part of breaking up my marriage... ex chose that with how he chose to treat us.

You can "own up to it" without that having anything to do with him. Do that in your own time with your own people. I do think that it's an important step. Better if it's not in a self-loathing, self-critical way. A calm acknowledgement of reality is probably best.

My ex gave me that line too.

post #22 of 23
Originally Posted by VocalMinority View Post

Maybe you should look at it this way: You're getting your second divorce and AREN'T a senior citizen! When you find the RIGHT man, you'll still be young enough to have a family with him, if you want to. You have plenty of time to learn, improve and start over!

Plenty of people - myself included - were not fully clear who they were, what they wanted, etc. until their early to mid-30's. If you have some unhealthy patterns, in terms of what kind of men you choose or how you interact once you're committed, there is every hope in the world that you can improve and make a better match in your 30's than you did in your 20's!
And hopefully 40s shy.gif My late 30s have been a phase of spectacular growth beyond what I ever thought would happen.

As a former twenty-something-single-mom, here's my advice: DON'T date, until:
* You get to a point where you're satisfied with your life on your own and you truly feel that if you never find another man, you will be OK. (Then if Mr. Right just happens along, you'll know you're not with him because you're needy or lonely.)
Yes. I completely agree. Especially if you are one to try to mold your life to fit someone else's. Make your life what you want it, then find someone who fits it.
What makes this piece "work" I think is probably looking beyond the "couple" mythos for getting our needs for human contact: basic needs, emotional needs, all that. Fill those needs through a greater community. I am not good at this myself; it is a struggle.

* You get completely over feeling angry toward your ex and are able to say out loud what went wrong - and take at least partial ownership of the poor decision/poor behavior/whatever. I.e., don't date while your explanation for your last break-up is still simply, "It turned out he was a real jerk." Maybe he is! But it's bigger than that. Either you missed that he was a jerk, or you liked a jerk, at first. Take some time to understand that. (Then you stand a better chance of not repeating mistakes.)
I agree with this too. Each of us has some responsibility to ourselves and to what happens to us. We are not responsible for what other will do and say to us, but we are responsible for coming back for more and for how we take that input as part of our experience.
Again, when I say "responsible," I don't mean that we should be hard on ourselves and critical. (In fact, I think that's counterproductive.) I mean having a somewhat detached awareness of where we had choices and how our choices affected us.

Those two tips worked well for me - and no one gave me that advice, at the time. I met the love of my life 6 or so years after my ex and I broke up. Now we're married and have a baby - and I'm glad I waited for him, instead of spending those years riding some exhausting emotional roller-coaster searching for the next guy.
post #23 of 23

yea i have been twice divorced,  I am a single mom  32 with kids.  The first one I thought I was marrying the right man, he was sweet loving caring. But had a dark side. He was really abusive to me and controlling. I  could not speak with out him giving me permission. anyay we  finally divorced. Next time I was introduced to someone by  friend, trying to help me, well it didnt work. later we divorced too. so i am by my self now. it really sucks, sometimes i think what did i do to deserve this, and my kids suffer because they dont have a dad either

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