do kids really do better without a parent there (At a dentist)?

[midnightwriter]

I'd like to ask this at the general health forum, if possible, as I'm interested in kids being alone for a medical procedure, not necessarily a dental procedure?

I have a strong feeling that DD will do better (as in long term comfort with dentists etc) if DH stays with her. I hate that the dental office won't offer this as an option *at all*.

Is there support to their argument at all, that children "do better" when the parent is absent? And what is really meant by "doing better?"

Please move it to the dental forum, if necessary.

[crunchy_mommy]

I'd love to hear other takes on this...

I think it really depends on the age of the child. A young kid (I'm thinking under 5) would probably do much better with a parent in the room... I think many kids would be terrified to have a medical/dental procedure without a familiar face nearby! Older kids, on the other hand, I could see doing better without a parent IN SOME CASES, not all... maybe because they feel grown up doing it on their own?? I don't know, I'm really only basing this on my own experience growing up as my DS is only 16mos. I'd love to see studies in support of either side!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think some kids "do better" from the dental staff's perspective because the children are more fearful without their parents there and are compliant out of fear.

DD would "do better" without DH or I there, but she would probably meltdown afterwards from the stress of it, probably over something unrelated later in the day. We chose a dentist that would allow us to be there. We want her to be free to express her discomfort and to reassure her, not stuff it because she's scared.

From the dentist's perspective it probably is easier to work without the parent there. From the child's perspective, I think it is much harder on them.

[KMK_Mama]

I would never have my child go back into a dental office without me (or someone) at his side....I wouldn't give the office my business if they had a policy prohibiting that.

[lach]

I would bet that the dentist is mostly concerned with the parent having their own issues with dentists and freaking out the child. Maybe if you promise not to talk? Okay, I'm kidding about that, but I can definitely see babbling parents projecting their own issues making a child much more nervous than they need to be, telling the dentist how to do their job, and just sorta being a nuisance in general.

There also doesn't tend to be a lot of room. I go in with my 2 year old, and there's no place that's not in the way for me to stand. It's very awkward for me, and I'm constantly dashing around the chair so that the dentist or the hygienist can walk around and get something. I think starting at age 4 or 5 they ask you to wait in the waiting room.

[philomom]

I have encountered this policy and rejected it. I shopped around until I found an office that was comfortable with my staying OR my going. My kids don't need me for a regular cleaning... but I did want to hold their hand during any fillings.

[earthmama369]

In some offices, "do better" means the child will be more compliant because they don't have a safe, known person with them. In others, "do better" means they can do restraints without the parent protesting, because the parent doesn't know. I refuse to use offices that don't allow a parent to be in the room with their minor child, *especially* if that child is young enough to be nonverbal or is still finding his/her voice in stressful situations.

On the flip side, regardless of my own fear of dentists, I see it as my responsibility to make sure none of my personal feelings leak out in any way when it comes to getting dental care. I may feel nauseous when I think about my child getting a cavity filled, but as far as that child and the dental staff knows, I am calm, rational, supportive, and relaxed.

[sunnysandiegan]

I can only relate my DD's experiences.

Her first two dentist appointments were partly with me and partly without me. I held her on my lap during the digital camera inspection of her teeth (age 4; no xrays) and I went into the exam room with her to meet the hygienist and dentist. Then, when she was comfortable, I had my appt in a nearby room. She loved the staff and knew where I was and was very happy.

Different dentists since then have different procedures. In all cases, she was fine if I was nearby and she knew she could call out for me or see me. The best set-up was when we were in exam rooms next to each other with a big glass window between us. She could see me; I could see her. The dentist came into my exam room to talk with me about DD's exam while my teeth were being cleaned. DD saw everything from her chair in her room.

At her most recent dentist appt (age 8.5), we were both new patients to a holistic dental office. When they called her back, I automatically stood up to walk back there with her. Not to hover, but to meet the people who were going to be caring for my DD's teeth. The staff person explained nicely but firmly that she needed to establish rapport with her patient. I kindly explained that was fine, but I'd like to meet her and the hygienist and dentist before sending my daughter to the back of an unfamiliar office. It all worked out, but I did have to assert myself. DD's appt was finished first and she came into my exam room and sat on the floor quietly doing math on a clipboard instead of going to the waiting room. I have a feeling DD asserted herself in that situation. (I had already written out the math problems in the waiting room when we first arrived, at DD's request.) The staff seemed used to parents and kids doing what the staff requested without question, but didn't have a problem with us doing it slightly different. We were all polite and courteous towards one another and it worked out well.

[crunchy_mommy]

Oh yes I meant to add that I find it odd that your dentist PROHIBTS you going in the room, it's one thing to prefer parents to stay in the waiting room but to not allow them to accompany the child at all is troublesome...

[kjbrown92]

I am usually comfortable leaving them in the dentist's office, however, last time, when DS had a tooth that had to be extracted (it was a baby tooth that "borrowed" from the tooth next to it, so the back of it was half broken but it still had a root somehow), I heard him scream so I went in there (he was 9yo but terrified of needles) and they were trying to give him novacaine. You know those HUGE plungers they use... well, he was shrieking and I was trying to calm him. The dentist said "I will ask your mother to leave if you don't calm down" and he finally did. I would have a problem if they told me I had to leave.

[midnightwriter]

Originally Posted by kjbrown92

I am usually comfortable leaving them in the dentist's office, however, last time, when DS had a tooth that had to be extracted (it was a baby tooth that "borrowed" from the tooth next to it, so the back of it was half broken but it still had a root somehow), I heard him scream so I went in there (he was 9yo but terrified of needles) and they were trying to give him novacaine. You know those HUGE plungers they use... well, he was shrieking and I was trying to calm him. The dentist said "I will ask your mother to leave if you don't calm down" and he finally did. I would have a problem if they told me I had to leave.

The policy explicitely states that a child might cry, and the parent is not allowed to walk in.

I have no fears of dentists, and would not project anything. DH thinks that they will meet us and be flexible, but the letter is written in no uncertain terms. It states that if we can't agree with their policy, we should go back to our family dentist. it doesn't seem to me they are open to discussions.

I know DD would prefer a parent with her--who wouldn't in a stressful situation? She has a number of cavities.

[midnightwriter]

Originally Posted by lach

I would bet that the dentist is mostly concerned with the parent having their own issues with dentists and freaking out the child. .

that same policy states that any verbal abuse from parents won't be tolerated. they must have had their share of eperiences. I can understand this. but to be so inflexible?

Has anyone challenged a strict policy and was successful?

[es1967]

I'm in the process of taking my 3.5 yr old for his first dental exam and I think they also prefer the parent to stay in the waiting room. I think I will see how my son reacts but I'm sure he will want me in there w him.

[eirual]

My dentist has never made such a request. DS started coming with DH and me around 3yo. He had his first appointment around 3.5, again at 4 where we had to return 'cause they found a cavity (and he was a CHAMP- we preped only a little so he knew matter-of-factly what to expect. I was in the room, he was cracking jokes, and when he just went back at 4.5 he was upset he didn't get the water tool so was going to get a cavity for next time....I suggested he just ask and that they'd be happy to let him have a turn.) That third visit DS and I had an appt at the same time, so I got him settled and let him know I'd be right next door.

I love my dentist....and couldn't imagine one saying that my presence was forbiden. I mean, give people the benefit of the doubt and IF it's an issue solve the problem, but an outright ban is rediculous...

....not to mention the "not going to them if they cry" thing. Come on now! You don't have to go and whisk them away and get defensive, but to support and comfort them, why not?!

I'd take that as a major red flag.

[JessicaS]

If a dentist had that policy I would just find another one.

My children's dentist office is totally open and they always welcome the parents to the back.

[BookGoddess]

We went to the dentist today. He has never asked me to leave DD in the treatment area by herself. He has DD sit on my lap with her head on his lap. My DD is a handful at the dentist and having me there helps her somewhat although she's still very very anxious.

[pianojazzgirl]

I know for my dd (age 5.5 yrs) it really is true that she does better if we're not there. But I think it greatly depends on the personality of the child and their age (no way I would leave my 2.5 yr old ds by himself with the dentist!).

FWIW at our dentist dh went in with dd for her first (ever) exam. It turned out she needed fillings and for the next appointment, on the dentist's advice, she went in by herself. It worked out well, but there is no way I would have sent her in alone if I didn't feel like it would be easier for her that way (knowing me I would be radiating anxiety throughout the procedure, and she would be feeding off of that anxiety). As it was she had a good rapport with the dentist and hygenist at the fist meeting so I was pretty darn sure that she would be comfortable being in the exam room by herself with them.

[sunnysandiegan]

Originally Posted by midnightwriter

The policy explicitely states that a child might cry, and the parent is not allowed to walk in.

I have no fears of dentists, and would not project anything. DH thinks that they will meet us and be flexible, but the letter is written in no uncertain terms. It states that if we can't agree with their policy, we should go back to our family dentist. it doesn't seem to me they are open to discussions.

I know DD would prefer a parent with her--who wouldn't in a stressful situation? She has a number of cavities.

I would call them up and discuss it beforehand. Get a sense of how strict they really are and ask your questions and give your insight. Act as if they WILL be cooperative and see how it goes on the phone. If you get a sense they are very strict and you are not comfortable, then I'd take my business elsewhere.

The holistic dentist office I mentioned above supposedly IS strict, but I found them to be rather reasonable. At age 8.5 (then) and always having good dental experiences and zero cavities, I only expected to be able to meet the folks caring for my daughter (and to scout out the facility quickly). I knew she would be fine otherwise and would find me (or call out to me LOUDLY), if she needed me. The place was fairly small and I had a good vibe from the phone conversations prior to our visit. Their "policy" didn't affect me much. I worked around it to get what I needed, but my needs were pretty basic as a parent. If I had wanted to be with DD the entire visit, I would have asked prior to making the appointment and discussed it then. If they had been strict about their policy, I would have moved on to another dentist. I only know of one other holistic dentist in the entire county and I had already ruled them out based on other issues. I would have found a different dentist.