co-slept with my son till age 9, no regrets

[tnmom66]

I didn't sleep with my ex-husband from the time I was 8 or 9 months pregnant (too restless and disturbed his sleep) on, and although I tried sleeping with him after delivery, he kept worrying about the baby (she made noises that disturbed him, but didn't want her out of my earshot) and I ended up sleeping with the baby in the other bedroom. It wasn't good for my marriage, but I didn't know what else to do. My husband needed his sleep.

I got a full on bottom, twin on top bunk bed and slept with my kids, one on each side. I loved it, and so did they. We all love snuggles. As the kids grew and the bed started getting crowded, my older child (daughter) decided to move to the top bunk. I guess she was 8 or 9. then I continued to sleep with my son, and decided the cut-off would be 10 (or sooner if he wanted). The man I dated thought I was harming my son, so I quit sleeping with him while he was still 9. It wasn't traumatic, really.

The man I dated later became the father of my youngest child. He thinks my son plays too rough with our 19 month old and he's paranoid that he's going to hurt her and has even said that because I slept with him (son) so long, he is damaged and he is jealous of the baby. That is ridiculous. My son isn't as careful as he should be, but the only time he's ever "hurt" her was when he was spinning a small watermelon like a ball on the floor and it accidentally rolled over her finger and she cried. I really can't see how that could have hurt her that badly and I'm not sure that is why she cried, but her father has never forgotten it from last summer.

The baby's dad lost an arm in an accident when he was 4 and his sister lost an eye when she was 7, so he has reason to be paranoid. But I supervise my kids closely.

I am also worried that I'll be pushed into putting the baby into her own bed before she is ready. I think the baby's aunt doesn't approve of co-sleeping. The baby already has her own bed--the bottom bunk of a bunk bed she shares with her sister, but I don't see her sleeping in it till she's at least 2 or 3 at the earliest. I have a friend whose father died when she was young and her mother never remarried, and they lived in a 2 bedroom house and she slept in bed with her mother till she went off to college. I don't see that happening in my family (my daughter will enjoy her own bedroom, I think, as her sister is 11 years older), but so what if it does?

[lisavark]

In some Asian cultures--I'm pretty sure in China?--it's normal for kids to sleep with their parents until they're teens. Most humans prefer not to sleep alone!

But I think you need to educate/compromise with your baby's father, because cosleeping doesn't work unless both partners want it, you know? It's possible that your baby would sleep just fine by herself, even now if not in another few months, and if she's happy and comfortable than there's nothing wrong with moving her out of your bed, either! As long as it's done gently and respectfully.

But it sounds to me like you really WANT to cosleep with your kids, which is a separate issue from whether the baby would be okay by herself or with her sister. Any time you're in a relationship, you have to balance what you want against what your partner wants and come to a compromise. So it sounds to me like you need to talk through what you each want and figure out something that works for your whole family.

But if I were you, I would also work on educating my partner about the normality of cosleeping in the majority of cultures throughout history and the world today. It sounds like he has some strong opinions, which everyone is entitled to, but it might be easier for you all to come to a joint decision about sleep if you were all more open-minded about it. If he understands that it's been the normal way for most families in all of human history to sleep, then he might realize it's not "harmful." He might still not like it--but at least then it would be more of an emotional/preference discussion rather than a discussion about "bad" and "good."

As far as other relatives disapproving of cosleeping, it sounds like you don't care too much, so I wouldn't worry about being pushed into doing something you aren't comfortable with if I were you! You sound like a strong mama who knows what she wants and will not be pushed into something that's bad for her babies. Most people in our culture disapprove of cosleeping, but it's because they've been misinformed. Many of them will change their minds when they get better information.