What about Anger?

[Ks Mama]

I've been thinking lately about anger & how it affects kids. And parents.
I feel like we spend so much of our time with babies, toddlers, and preschoolers trying to teach them how to control their anger. We don't hit! No biting! Quiet voices inside! Use nice words!

But I wonder, how do YOU (me) handle your own anger? And does it negate the message we're trying to send about anger?

I've always been a big proponent of teaching through example - SHOWING our children how to behave more than telling them. Meaning, its all well & good to say, " be kind to your siblings", then lose my temper when my 5 year old has the third tantrum of the day, I haven't had my coffee, I need to pay the bills, go grocery shopping, vaccuum, do the dishes, and have a deadline to meet at work... and I end up slamming a door to give myself a much needed time out (right after telling my 3 year old not to slam doors)? I know no one is perfect, but I do try really hard with teaching through example with my children, because I know its the best way.

So, I try to be gentle, but what about when I don't FEEL gentle?

I try to be quiet with my voice, but what about when all I WANT to do is YELL?

How can we teach our children peace when we don't feel peaceful inside?

How to tell and show them that sometimes we DON'T feel good (and that's okay), but here's some good ways to still ACT with kindness, patience, and peacefulness (especially in the times where these traits are most important - i.e. when stressed & feeling like yelling)?

Then on the other side of the coin: is it even ideal to BE peaceful all the time? Kids and adults naturally feel anger as one of their emotions, and bottling that up isn't healthy. Maybe what I need most to be asking isn't how to control anger, but how to express anger in a healthy acceptable way - that will translate into adulthood?

I don't know.

Just tossing some ideas around. I'm trying to formulate a blog post about it, and have just ordered (and received - yay!) some gentle discipline books - Playful Parenting (anyone ever read this?) and hoping for some insight & ideas about how you control your OWN temper when dealing with children who may be having trouble controling their own selves.
I grew up in a household where anger was freely (and loudly/violently) given, and its something I work hard to control in my own self. I want to give my kids much better tools than the ones I was given.

Looking forward to your responses.
Peace.

-kelly

[MariaMadly]

I'm a big believer in the idea that anger is a sign of an unmet need. Sometimes a need to be seen, heard, fed, changed -- often, in my case, a need for a second or third me to get it all done! If we encounter anger and face it as a signal to improve something, maybe that can help our children carry it.

DH and I are in our 40's, our two are almost grown, and we're just starting to see this aspect of it. I would like to talk to the mother of a three y.o. and newborn I used to be.

[prothyraia]

I'm human. I do lose it on occasion, in front of my kids. In fact, I did exactly that about an hour ago.

And then I apologize, and empathize with how my negative behavior made them feel ("It was scary when mommy was yelling, huh?"), and talk out loud about what I need to do to avoid it in the future ("hmm...mommy is really tired today. I need to get some rest so I can remember to be gentle").

They're human too. They're not always going to control their own behavior, and I look at my moments of epic failure as opportunities to model for them how to deal with....uh....moments of epic failure

I had my own I-just-worked-16-hours-and-haven't-slept-in-30 temper tantrum this morning. And my 3 year old gave me a hug and rubbed my back and told me that it will be okay, it's okay to cry and whine sometimes. And my almost two year old said "sowwy mommy" and gave me a kiss.

Definitely validates my gentle handling of their own tantrums, I think. I hope it makes them feel as good as they made me feel!

[bonamarq]

Anger is a part of the human experience - I think to expect peaceful expressions from ourselves at all times is unrealistic - I also think our kids WANT to see how WE deal with Anger - to see us handle it ourselves in appropriate and healthy ways makes it less scary for them. For the young ones I think it's helpful to identify and relfect back some of their angry feelings "Your MAD!" (strong, firm but not yelling) and then teach them some acceptable ways to get it out - stomp a foot, pound a pillow or whatever you feel is age appropriate and acceptable for your family - In my house stomping feet is fine, and as they get older they develop other ways -right now my very verbal child's first reaction is to say mean and hurtful things to the person she is angry with and we are having to give her more appropriate words and phrases. And when I get really mad I'll go for a walk - this is a huge help to me AND the person I'm angry with

just my .02

[AmyKT]

I'm still figuring this out myself, but I think I'm pretty open with my emotions, both the good and the bad. And DD is VERY open with her emotions, but of course, she's 2.5, so she should be. DH is a lot more reserved, and I hope that doesn't present a problem later on.

Fwiw, my mother never hid a single emotion when I was growing up so we saw her lose her temper all the time, and it was never scary because at least we knew what she was thinking. She was also willing to talk to us about why she was angry. My father, on the other hand, was usually a brick wall with his emotions but occasionally he'd have sudden outbursts of ferocious anger and resentment, and that was extremely frigtening. Today, my mother and I are close and my father and I are still distant. I think it's far healthier for a child to see us lose it frequently than for us to keep things bottled up and have them wonder when we'll blow.

[Ks Mama]

Originally Posted by MariaMadly

I'm a big believer in the idea that anger is a sign of an unmet need. Sometimes a need to be seen, heard, fed, changed -- often, in my case, a need for a second or third me to get it all done! If we encounter anger and face it as a signal to improve something, maybe that can help our children carry it.

I really agree. Anger, all "big" emotions are signs of needs. Its something I'm working on - asking what my kids need instead of trying to "correct" the behavior.
Thank you.

[Ks Mama]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

I'm human. I do lose it on occasion, in front of my kids. In fact, I did exactly that about an hour ago.

And then I apologize, and empathize with how my negative behavior made them feel ("It was scary when mommy was yelling, huh?"), and talk out loud about what I need to do to avoid it in the future ("hmm...mommy is really tired today. I need to get some rest so I can remember to be gentle").

They're human too. They're not always going to control their own behavior, and I look at my moments of epic failure as opportunities to model for them how to deal with....uh....moments of epic failure

Thank you for validating this way of looking at it. I have thought about anger along these lines, then wonder if I'm just scapegoating my bad behavior...

But I'm all about modelling appropriate behavior. And part of modelling is modelling the bad behavior too, and the effects it has on people around you - and apologizing for it, and actually CORRECTING it in the future. I'm working on it.

[Ks Mama]

Originally Posted by bonamarq

Anger is a part of the human experience - I think to expect peaceful expressions from ourselves at all times is unrealistic -
...
And when I get really mad I'll go for a walk - this is a huge help to me AND the person I'm angry with

Two really good points!
I agree, I DO think its unrealistic... and I think coming from a background of overuse of anger - rage- shouting... I find myself apt to supress it as much as possible, to think of anger as a BAD thing.
But it can be a good thing. Just working through how best to... work through it.

And the walk. YES. A walk is always good. Its just tough sometimes when you have little (angry) ones that want to FOLLOW you on the walk when you're attempting to escape for a moment.

[Ks Mama]

Originally Posted by AmyKT

Fwiw, my mother never hid a single emotion when I was growing up so we saw her lose her temper all the time, and it was never scary because at least we knew what she was thinking. She was also willing to talk to us about why she was angry. My father, on the other hand, was usually a brick wall with his emotions but occasionally he'd have sudden outbursts of ferocious anger and resentment, and that was extremely frigtening. Today, my mother and I are close and my father and I are still distant. I think it's far healthier for a child to see us lose it frequently than for us to keep things bottled up and have them wonder when we'll blow.

Thank you for saying this.
I think of the two, you're right, the former is better. I am afraid I fall into the latter often, because I'm trying SO HARD not to explode at my kids, that I miss the important steps of TELLING them that I'm starting to get grumpy, and WORKING on trying to calm myself.
I don't ever want them to be afraid or worried that I'll lose my cool seemingly out of the blue. It usually isn't out of the blue for me - I've been boiling over inside - but if I don't tell them ahead of time, "hey, mom is feeling grumpy, I need a little space" then they don't even know it and something definitely unyellworthy might get me yelling. Thanks.

[Ks Mama]

Just wanted to thank everyone for your thoughtful & thought-provoking replies. I was able to clarify some of my thoughts, and know what I'm working towards... being more open with my emotions ahead of time. Sharing with my kids that I'm starting to feel grumpy, frustrated, angry - and taking steps to curb that - vocally walking them through it - before I actually GET really angry.

I put some of my thoughts together in a blog post, if you're interested, please read... I'd love your feedback!

Thank you again.

Peace.

[sweetkid]

Playful parenting has really helped work through some of my experiences of anger towards DD, with DD. It is an excellent read I highly recommend it.
I too blow up on occasion and work toward being calm and light about it afterwards, not beating myself up and just taking the time to express with the kids that I'm trying to do better.
I point out when either DD or I use our angry feelings "correctly". If we ask for the time and space we give it to each other. I thinlk moving forward with a forgiving heart both for yourself and your children is essential.

[Juvysen]