Another MIL rant

[honeybun]

I do like my MIL and try no to get too upset with her, but I am starting to lose it when she tries to tell me how to parent. I don't like confrontation, however I am about to do it!
So she tells me that my 2 month old should be able to settle herself! Then she tells me that her mother gave her kids cream of wheat in the bottle about this time and that she ALWAYS listened to her mother (I guess she does not like that I am ignoring her awesome advices!). She tells me she can't believe that my baby nurses every 1.5 to 2 hours At this age she should be nursing every 3-4 hours I am told. I need to put this baby down. I spoiled her already according to her. She just shakes her head when I tell her that the baby was up 3 times a night and that she sleeps in bed with us.
My 2.5 year old should be more responsive. She should sit at the dinner table even if she is done eating. Let me tell you I can't wait for my mil to finish eating - she eats sooooo slow! And she wants my very active DD wait?
What do I do here to avoid big blow up? My DH does not seem to care about this situation. He just leaves it up to me.
Thanks for listening

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by honeybun

I do like my MIL and try no to get too upset with her, but I am starting to lose it when she tries to tell me how to parent. I don't like confrontation, however I am about to do it!
So she tells me that my 2 month old should be able to settle herself! Then she tells me that her mother gave her kids cream of wheat in the bottle about this time and that she ALWAYS listened to her mother (I guess she does not like that I am ignoring her awesome advices!). She tells me she can't believe that my baby nurses every 1.5 to 2 hours At this age she should be nursing every 3-4 hours I am told. I need to put this baby down. I spoiled her already according to her. She just shakes her head when I tell her that the baby was up 3 times a night and that she sleeps in bed with us.
My 2.5 year old should be more responsive. She should sit at the dinner table even if she is done eating. Let me tell you I can't wait for my mil to finish eating - she eats sooooo slow! And she wants my very active DD wait?
What do I do here to avoid big blow up? My DH does not seem to care about this situation. He just leaves it up to me.
Thanks for listening

Coming from someone who does not like her mother in law, I think a softer approach would work best here especially since you do like her. Unfortunately, people think they know what's best and your mother in law probably thinks she is helping although she's just annoying you.

First, I wouldn't talk to her about the baby keeping you up at night or co-sleeping. She's going to make comments and it's only going to annoy you so maybe stick to neutral subjects? Of course you shouldn't have to do this but I think she's set in her ways and likely will always think her way is the best way.

What about saying, when you are not totally irritated, "we're fine with her not sitting at the table until we're all done eating" or "a spoiled baby is the least of our concerns." I think she is confusing everyday parenting comments as maybe you looking for advice? I don't see where a firm but polite, "I'm comfortable the way we're handling things" would hurt. I hope that helps.

[GoJoJo]

Maybe if she knows there's a theory of Attachment Parenting that backs up your actions she'll realize you aren't making uneducated choices that will screw up her grandkid.

My MIL was really interested in reading the AP section of Dr. Sears' "Baby Book" - she said "they didn't have anything like this when I was raising kids". If your MIL questions something you do, just put it all on Dr. Sears! I think anyone would have a hard time questioning his authority, and they're of the same generation, too, so that may help.

[prothyraia]

Option #1: "uh-huh....yeah.....mmhmm....oh, can you pass the bean dip?"

Option #2: "Oh...our doctor said to do xyz" (your doctor can be entirely imaginary if you like)

[Norasmomma]

She says she always listened to her mother, well it's not your mother.

I would tell her that today Dr's tell you that a baby under 6 months cannot be spoiled, and that your Dr told you that, so you will go with that. Or something like that.

[InMediasRes]

Yeah, I would stop talking about anything that she disagrees with. You can't do much about your 2.5yo getting up from the table (IOW, she'll notice stuff like that), but she has no way of knowing what you do with the baby at night unless you tell her. So stop telling her if she's not going to be receptive. My mom has been somewhat supportive, but I know she doesn't agree with some things, so I just don't talk to her about them.

If it comes up, you can say "Well, this is what works best for our family." Or "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree." Or "I've done my research, talked to my doctor, and made my decision." Or "I don't see how my parenting is any of your concern." if that other stuff doesn't get through.

It sounds like she is mostly just trying to be helpful. If you seem un-confident to her, she might think you want advice. Just put on a confident air and let her know that you have things under control.

[honeybun]

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

Yeah, I would stop talking about anything that she disagrees with. You can't do much about your 2.5yo getting up from the table (IOW, she'll notice stuff like that), but she has no way of knowing what you do with the baby at night unless you tell her. So stop telling her if she's not going to be receptive. My mom has been somewhat supportive, but I know she doesn't agree with some things, so I just don't talk to her about them.
If it comes up, you can say "Well, this is what works best for our family." Or "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree." Or "I've done my research, talked to my doctor, and made my decision." Or "I don't see how my parenting is any of your concern." if that other stuff doesn't get through.

It sounds like she is mostly just trying to be helpful. If you seem un-confident to her, she might think you want advice. Just put on a confident air and let her know that you have things under control.

See the thing is that I don't volunteer the info. She keeps asking.
What's interesting is that she is somewhat naturally minded in everything but child raising. She does not believe in vax, tries to eat healthy, etc. But man, where the kids are concerned she thinks everything has to be on schedule. I get a lot of "Well when my boys were little, they STTN at 2 months old". I have no idea how she remembers that and does not remember when her boys started walking BTW her boys are 40 and 45 yo.
What's frustrating as well she tells her friends how my baby is 2 months old and GASP is not STTN. I get some eye rolls from tbem as well

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by honeybun

See the thing is that I don't volunteer the info. She keeps asking.

I would change the subject or lie, in that case. I normally don't use dishonesty as a tactic but in this case if she's being nosy and then gossiping about you, it's completely justified, IMO. Lying would only work if your DH is on board, though. You don't want him telling her the opposite of what you said!

Originally Posted by honeybun

What's frustrating as well she tells her friends how my baby is 2 months old and GASP is not STTN. I get some eye rolls from tbem as well

That's completely inappropriate and it sounds to me like you need to establish some better boundaries with this woman about what is and isn't her business, much less her friends'!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I'm somewhat tempted to say "I've heard that memory is the second thing to go as you age" when someone older says "MY child was STTN/toilet trained/obedient/whatever by whatever-impossible-age". I never have, but boy have I been tempted.

I keep repeating "Well, we've done a lot of research and are comfortable that this is the best decision for us". If, after a couple of times through that routine there are still comments about the same thing, I get a little more forceful, "Mom, we've already talked about that. I appreciate your concern but we are going it this way."

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by honeybun

What's frustrating as well she tells her friends how my baby is 2 months old and GASP is not STTN. I get some eye rolls from tbem as well

THAT is unacceptable. I would be very forward about this. "I understand your point of view on raising children. Unfortunately, we do not agree. I would prefer that you respect me as a mother and person by not talking negatively about my choices to your friends. If you can't respect me, you are not welcome to visit here."

The end.

[honeybun]

Originally Posted by lynsage

I would change the subject or lie, in that case. I normally don't use dishonesty as a tactic but in this case if she's being nosy and then gossiping about you, it's completely justified, IMO. Lying would only work if your DH is on board, though. You don't want him telling her the opposite of what you said!



That's completely inappropriate and it sounds to me like you need to establish some better boundaries with this woman about what is and isn't her business, much less her friends'!

I honestly don't think my DH knows much since he works some crazy hours.
I do agree with you guys that she should not be telling her friends these things. Once she totally embarassed me by telling me in front of her friend that she is going to teach me how to do laundry. Her precious son's shirt had some stain on it and I did not get it out. oh did I tell you my 1st DD was only 1 month old that time??? I could have cared less about any laundry.
I guess I just have to summon up some courage and tell her off.
Thanks for your advice, ladies!

[honeybun]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

I'm somewhat tempted to say "I've heard that memory is the second thing to go as you age" when someone older says "MY child was STTN/toilet trained/obedient/whatever by whatever-impossible-age". I never have, but boy have I been tempted.
I keep repeating "Well, we've done a lot of research and are comfortable that this is the best decision for us". If, after a couple of times through that routine there are still comments about the same thing, I get a little more forceful, "Mom, we've already talked about that. I appreciate your concern but we are going it this way."

I will totally say that to her.She does not remember me telling her some things 1 month ago, yet she conveniently remembers this things that we disagree on.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by honeybun

I honestly don't think my DH knows much since he works some crazy hours.
I do agree with you guys that she should not be telling her friends these things. Once she totally embarassed me by telling me in front of her friend that she is going to teach me how to do laundry. Her precious son's shirt had some stain on it and I did not get it out. oh did I tell you my 1st DD was only 1 month old that time??? I could have cared less about any laundry.
I guess I just have to summon up some courage and tell her off.
Thanks for your advice, ladies!

Wow. That comment sounds passive aggressive. I was all for ignoring her comments but this would really bug me. I do think the longer you not say something to her the longer she'll continue with her criticisms.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by honeybun

Once she totally embarassed me by telling me in front of her friend that she is going to teach me how to do laundry. Her precious son's shirt had some stain on it and I did not get it out. oh did I tell you my 1st DD was only 1 month old that time??? I could have cared less about any laundry.

Wow. I wouldn't have been able to restrain myself from making a comment about how her son is a grown man who is perfectly capable of doing his own damned laundry. Seriously, a stain on his shirt reflects on you?? What century are we living in?!?

[cloe]

As far as feeding and stuff I always quote the American Acadamy of Pediatrics. Say that the guidelines have changed and feeding on demand while nursing is strongly recomended and that feeding any solids before 6 months is against their guidelines. This is due to allergys and asthma ect. I would say that although I apreciate her advice I am listening to the experts in the medical community in this regard. Also because a baby cannot feed on demand and sleep through the night then you will continue to breastfeed several times at night as she wakes up. I think that people of her generation are often swayed by the experts, and as long as she believes you are doing the best for your kids. My mother was persuaded by this argument and now often asks how could she have been so stupid not to listen to her insticts and just feed her kids when they were hungary.

If all else fails you may just have to say the beauty of being a parent is that you get to decide how you parent your own children. She had her chance now its your turn.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

I'm somewhat tempted to say "I've heard that memory is the second thing to go as you age" when someone older says "MY child was STTN/toilet trained/obedient/whatever by whatever-impossible-age". I never have, but boy have I been tempted.

This is SO my g-ma, she first told me my uncle was potty trained at 9 months, then the next time she told me it was 4 months. I called her on it for a couple reasons a. because she is always trying to one-up everybody and b. she already had said 9 months before, plus she drives me absolutely nuts. FWIW she did EC, but that was only because she hated dealing with her cloth diapers.