It's ok to cry...

[IntrovertExtrovert]

Is there an age at which you would (gently, of course) encourage your kid to cry less often in public or with his or her peers? How would you do so while still letting your child know that it's ok to be sad and upset?

My son's only 4, so I'm not exactly worried about it yet, though obviously I'm thinking about it. He does cry noticeably more readily than his friends and classmates (it's a co-op school, so I get to see them all in the same setting 3 hours/week). Things that other kids shrug off make him very upset.

When I am there he shows his upsets more readily, though I'm not sure whether he actually is more even-keeled when I'm not at school, or just doesn't feel comfortable showing it as much.

I cried easily as a kid, and frankly still cry more readily than I like. It made me an easy target for bullies in grade school, and I'm just lucky that there were no real hard-core bullies at my school.

[nextcommercial]

The kid who cries often in school does become a target for bullies, or just typical teasing. I see it even in early preschool. The kid who cries easily gets tormented more often because it gets a response. The kid who doesn't cry, or even will get back in the face of the annoying child, never gets picked on.

Usually though, the social life at school tends to take care of it without you having to say anything at all. Kids learn from each other what's going to work for them and what won't.

As you said, I don't think four is an age to worry yet. And, when you think it's time for him to stop overreacting, you can make sure that your reaction to his percieved issues are appropriate. Instead of going along with his idea that this is a big deal, play it down.

I still remember the time it occured to me that I could fall down, and it was OK. I fell off a slide. (well the whole slide fell over) and nobody seemed upset or worried. I got an " are you ok?" and that was it. LOL. I was sure I should have died or something that would at least warrent a gasp from onlookers.

I have a daycare mom who actually screams when her daughter falls down or throws up, or anything. So, of course, her daughter flips out when something happens. If blood is involved it's a several hour ordeal for everyone.

[IntrovertExtrovert]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

As you said, I don't think four is an age to worry yet. And, when you think it's time for him to stop overreacting, you can make sure that your reaction to his percieved issues are appropriate. Instead of going along with his idea that this is a big deal, play it down.

and

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I have a daycare mom who actually screams when her daughter falls down or throws up, or anything. So, of course, her daughter flips out when something happens. If blood is involved it's a several hour ordeal for everyone.

I don't do this as well as I would like. My first instinct when I see anyone get hurt is to gasp, though I promise there's no screaming. I usually recover pretty quickly, but I'm sure hearing that typical momma sharp inhale doesn't help. Hah. If blood = a several hour ordeal then we'd never do anything except flip out. The kid is a daredevil. Daredevil + over-react to pain or upsets is a bizarre combination, I know.

Fortunately, he does get over his upsets pretty quickly (usually within 5 minutes). It's just that they are serious drama while they happen. The one thing that does make them last longer is when his friends try to help him feel better. He just wants to be left alone to get over it (or snuggle me, depending), and doesn't want any of his friends nearby.

[One_Girl]

My dd was very emotional at that age and her teacher made things much worse at school by trying to insist that she stop crying. I have found that acknowledging her feelings, giving her a hug, and walking her through the process of taking deep breathes helped a lot more than telling her to stop and scolding her for crying. She is seven now and is much less prone to tears. After my experience with her teacher, the supervisors, and helping dd through her tears at home I think that it is very important to help kids feel safe when they cry and to make them feel like they have someone to go to. I also encourage you to look at what might be causing your child to be so upset so frequently. Cutting back on the causes whenever that is possible can make help him have a better grasp on his feelings so they don't all have to spill out. If he is crying a lot at daycare then you should look at why. I made the mistake of assuming that the teacher was good in this area and she really wasn't.

[ecoteat]

I agree that 4 year olds don't have to keep their emotions bottled around others quite yet. I once taught a 3rd grade girl that cried about EVERYTHING. And there was a distinct difference between her reaction to things and that of her peers. So I guess 8 is too old to be learning that lesson, in my mind. That same girl as a middle schooler doesn't cry at the drop of a hat anymore--instead she gets snappy and mean as a reaction to things that used to make her cry. I think in her case it would have been nice to learn what a reasonable reaction is to certain situations sometime before 3rd grade. Maybe age 6ish?