What if I'm the abuser?

[change]

It's recently come to my attention that it's very likely that I am emotionally abusing DH.

I'm a regular member here, but I'm embarrassed to use my actual username.

I want to change. I plan on talking to DH once he gets home about us getting into counseling together. He's never accused me of being an abuser nor does he complain, but I know he feels bad sometimes. More than normal, probably. After reading some stuff and doing a quiz (guessing from HIS point of view...he does talk about his feelings, so I'm assuming my guessing was fairly spot on) I've come to the conclusion that my behavior isn't fair.

It's not that I'm calling him names or anything. I'm not even doing it on purpose...I've just been this way for so long and I need to learn how to get out of this cycle. I don't want my marriage to fail and I especially don't want to make my husband feel like he's not good enough...because I love him with all of my heart and he IS wonderful.

I'm sorry I'm not getting into all the specifics. I'm short on time right now and I don't really think all the details are necessary. I'm just wondering if someone can point me in the direction of resources for ABUSERS that want to stop abusing?

Every time I google it, google seems to think I made a mistake in my wording and gives me tons of information for people being abused.

Anyone? Anything?

I don't want to be mean, grumpy, controlling and emotionally manipulative anymore. I need to get out of this harmful pattern and start building my man up...because like I said above, he truly deserves it. He is such an amazing and sweet husband, father and step father.

Thank you to anyone who can give me a link or two!

[corysmilk]

sometimes I wonder if this is me, in my realtionship.
I don't have any resorces. just wanted to give ya a hug

[Juvysen]

I wonder about myself, sometimes, too... I'll be interested to hear other's solutions. Being *nicer* can't hurt at least, right?

[tinybutterfly]

I think there is a resource list in the back of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Even though the title is addressed to a male abuser, all the info would be applicable to a female person, too.

From what I understand, individual counselling is the most important thing and group counselling with other abusers may be helpful, too. Couples counselling not so helpful in these situations.

Good luck with your journey. You can change if you really want to change.

[Teenytoona]

OP, I think it's important enough that you're taking this step acknowledging you've got a problem.

Here's a post I wrote a while ago in PasP. Hopefully it will help.

Are you depressed and/or overly aggressive/angry? IME, those are two sides of the same coin (some sources say women get depressed while men get angressive/angry... but I'm here to tell you it ain't just men who get mean), it wouldn't hurt to do a deep self-assessment. I'm working on it too, I believe I've gotten alot better than I was, but I know I could probably slip back given the right circumstances. I need to be conscious of it constantly. You can do it.

[JamieCatheryn]

There was this Psychologically and Biblically based program we did a year ago called Love and Respect that taught husbands to show love for their wives and wives to show respect to their husbands. See the reverse usually comes naturally but these don't so much, we really crave to receive both unconditionally.

Basically, if I get in the habit of this stuff (even when I don't want to) he's far happier and nicer and more loving and I don't get into a mean "I have to run everything and I hate everyone" kind of mood. I see him as a way better person and he truly becomes one too when he gets this from me.

Acknowledge, encourage, and help him in his goals and achievements, be it speculative or real things.
Acknowledge and appreciate how he provides for and protects the family, give him chances to do so.
Include him in decisions, and when possible defer to his ideas about them.
Ask for and listen to his advice. Try to never outright ignore or dismiss it... even unsoliticed.
Spend time together just hanging out, with not much talking, maybe doing something, or one of us doing something.
Make myself available for sex and try and get into the mood and enjoy it (only turn him down if I *really* don't want it).

C-H-A-I-R-S is an acrostic for: Conquest: His desire to work and achieve.
Hierarchy: His desire to protect and provide.
Authority: His desire to serve and to lead.
Insight: His desire to analyze and counsel.
Relationship: His desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
Sexuality: His desire for sexual intimacy.

[barefootbabies]

I could have written your post a year ago, honestly. I actually told my husband (and eventually my therapist) that I felt DH was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I wanted him to leave, I felt so horrible, and I couldn't change it on my own. I started going to therapy last May, I started getting treatment for depression and going to therapy once a week. I cannot tell you the difference it has made. It took a good 6 months or so, but I feel like a completely different person. I couldn't even tell you how it worked, but it has been amazing. I definitely recommend counseling, it has been a lifesaver. I'm sure DH would agree. Good luck, it's tough, but it can get better!

[Funny Face]

I think it is amazing and brave of you to admit it and to reach out for help. s If you have children you can't imagine how important it is that they have healthy parents and marriage role models to look to.

I would start by finding a counselor who is experienced in abusive relationships and go from there.

I think if you are abusive or have abusive tendencies then there is a reason and you need to get to the root of it and work from there. A professional, well trained counselor should be able to provide you with other resources as well.

You need healing and your dh will most certainly need counseling and healing as he is part of the dynamic.

Good luck in your journey.

[Stephenie]

I don't have any great advice, but good for you for wanting to make things better.