Dear PinkBunch- Approaching the "husband talk" is always very tricky- men can react in very different ways. I know I made a lot of mistakes myself when I did it 13 years ago. What I'd like you to think about is not so much the info you need (links/articles etc) but the big picture of his emotional landscape, your relationship and the level of communication the two of you have, and the culture we live in.
Your husband is a big boy- he is 100% able to google this if he wants... so why doesn't he? Why is it that you feel that you have to spoon feed him the right sort of information that will bring you both to the conclusion that you want? (I'm not questioning your motives... I'm asking about what you must already understand about him.)
The article "The Vulnerability of Men" is great when speaking of the specifics of circumcision and the emotional issues men face. Ronald Goldman, author of "The Hidden Trauma" even has a name for it- he calls it "The Adamant Father Syndrome"
Here is another interesting article- a general one- about "Learning as Loss" or "Supplantive Learning" - It explains what is at play when leaning something new requires a person to release beliefs they have previously held... this is a much more difficult process than simply teaching someone something new.
http://www.learningandteaching.info/...g/resistan.htm
I sometimes think that these discussions could go much better if they were somehow recorded- if they were done on paper (or Word documents)... or were video taped for the child's later viewing (put it in the keepsake book)- to give him the respect of understanding what went into their parent's decision making process. I think sometimes people feel free to express ideas that they would not be very proud of because they don't think their child will ever find out/question their mindset- but if the parent imagines their child hearing the arguments pro and con some time in the future- how would that change what ideas a parent is willing to assert?
Can you each make a list of your concerns- honest thoughts and questions about this- and then work together to respond, research and answer your own questions?
Another thing to consider... you know that dream theory... that everyone in the dream is you? Well... imagine this circumcision theory- that every reason for circumcision is something he believes about himself. So at some level- you are not dealing with a baby decision- you are dealing with his own beliefs about himself. If he says, "It's cleaner" ... do you need to say, "We just need to teach him to wash."... or would it be more helpful to ask, "Do you think that you could not be trusted to wash your own penis?" If he says "Women prefer it circumcised." do you say- "If a girl doesn't love him how he is- good riddance!" or can you ask- "Do you think I would love you any less if you were not circumcised?"
I'd also like to question the need for "non-inflammatory" information. There is really no such thing as non-biased information about circumcision to be found. Everyone has a conflict of interest... even information coming from highly regarded medical sources- is written from a standpoint that circumcision may be a medically sound ethical thing to do to babies- and it's a big money maker. If these medical groups were to go on the record and speak truthfully about loss and sexual damage- they would be paving the way for lawsuits against their members who circumcise- so even with calm non-inflammatory wording, complete footnotes and slick web pages- they are guilty of providing one sided information.
Typically the pro and con lists of these pages present the benefits of circumcision against the risks of circumcision as if that is where the balance must be found... but the truth is that the benefits AND risks of circumcision need to be balanced against the value/purpose/function of the natural anatomy. Does the resource pass that test? If not... does an "inflammatory" resource- which expresses reasonable OUTRAGE about the loss of sexually valuable tissue while explaining the sexual function- lose it's credibility for being honest about both the nature of the surgery and the author's "bias" against it?
Knowing what I do- I see glaring bias and misleading information all over... and I find that it's worst (does the most damage)- when it comes from a source that has the "look" of being unbiased and trustworthy.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/circumcision/MY01023
For example- this little bit from the esteemed Mayo Clinic begins,
"Circumcision is fairly common for newborn boys in certain parts of the world, including the United States — making it the most common surgical procedure in newborn males worldwide." This is intentionally misleading, making it seem like the US is just a small part of a worldwide club of circumcision- when in fact- the US is very alone in practicing non-religious infant circumcision. Twice they manage to assert how common it is in the world- without mentioning how common it is for the rest of the men in the world who are not Jewish or Muslim- to be intact. Nowhere in the article, aside from telling us that a foreskin is removable... do they tell us ANYTHING about this anatomy- why it is there or what it does. On the page where they cover the risks they inexplicably divide this list into two sections... "Circumcision Risks" and "Foreskin Problems" Every one of the "foreskin problems" is actually a common problem stemming from circumcision- not from foreskin! Several times phimosis is mentioned as a possible reason for circumcision- but never is it mentioned that circumcision is the last, most drastic, solution to this problem that is usually resolved without surgery. In describing the surgery, they tell parents that injecting anesthetic is a step in the process- yet the vast majority of children today are circumcised without any anesthetic- why mislead circumcising parents? If they knew, they could advocate for their child- instead they encourage parents to trust and allow doctors who refuse to use pain relief to continue on.
Pain relief survey:
http://pediatrics.aappublications.or.../full/101/6/e5
This may be my favorite piece of writing- a letter from the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Saskatchewan:
http://www.courtchallenge.com/letters/skcoll2.html
I have 5 circumcision entries on my blog- they are still on the front page scroll if you are interested:
http://thefrontporchswing.blogspot.com
no matter what you read it wont pack as much punch or be as informative as that video.
