How do you fix yourself?

[BetsyNY]

If you're a sensitive person, how do you stop from getting hurt all the time? If you find that your definition of being a good friend is different than everyone else's, how do you fix that?

[bcblondie]

Oh man. I hear you. I take everything wrong. I always think people are out to get me and take things personally. I have a thread about it actaully, "why am I like this?"
Lots of good tips there! After throwing a couple situations out there for discussion I got to hear an unbiased opion. And I realized how much I just take things wrong. People don't mean to hurt me. They don't hate me.

My definition of being a good friend is very different than a lot of people's, I'd say. There are times where friends just need an ear, and times when they need advice. That's where I struggle.

Could you be a little more specific? That might help us help you

[sapientia]

I tend to get hurt easily by friends. I admit part of it is me being a bit sensitive, and the other part not being able to speak up and tell them that they are using me, or being hurtful.
I've often thought the problem with me is that I simply expect too much out of friends. I don't think I do, I just think that if I spend hours talking to you and helping you through a rough patch, rush to your rescue, etc. It's not too much to think that a little might be reciprocated when I am in need. This isn't saying I give conditionally, I give and don't expect anything. However, I can't help but think back over all I have done for a person after asking for help (an ear, quick babysitting) and being told 'oh, sorry, can't', all the time. What's worse is when I know the person is very helpful to other people pretty often.
I get hurt easily in situations like that. Does that make me expect too much? Or do I attract nothing but users? These are my questions.
On the other hand I have a couple friends who I know would help me no matter what, though I would seldom ask for anything so as to NOT use them, I'm so hypersensitive to it all, now!
I hope a few more people chime in, I'm interested in some viewpoints.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by sapientia

On the other hand I have a couple friends who I know would help me no matter what, though I would seldom ask for anything so as to NOT use them,

Those are your actual friends. All the others are friendly acquaintances so it wouldn't make sense to expect anything of them-- but they shouldn't expect anything of you, either. And you shouldn't expect yourself to give them much more than you'd give a stranger. Maybe you are a very giving person who gives a lot to strangers, though.

As far as hypersensitivity-- two common causes: 1. You are experiencing anxiety or depression or something of the sort. 2. You are surrounded by abusive people (or, you are being abused by one person-- a boss, for example-- and it's coloring your reactions to everyone else). For #1, get therapy. For #2, get therapy AND find a way to remove yourself from the abusive situation(s).

[sapientia]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Those are your actual friends. All the others are friendly acquaintances so it wouldn't make sense to expect anything of them-- but they shouldn't expect anything of you, either. And you shouldn't expect yourself to give them much more than you'd give a stranger. Maybe you are a very giving person who gives a lot to strangers, though.

As far as hypersensitivity-- two common causes: 1. You are experiencing anxiety or depression or something of the sort. 2. You are surrounded by abusive people (or, you are being abused by one person-- a boss, for example-- and it's coloring your reactions to everyone else).

Lolar2-definitely anxiety, here, and abuse growing up.

BetsyNY-I think for me, I need to set boundaries and know that it is ok to have them. I have to stop needing people to think I am a 'great person' to the point that I hurt myself giving so much that I get used. Do you think this might be what you do?