I yell all the time and even started cussing at my kids, they don't listen at all and I am... - Page 3

[MPJJJ]

OMG!! My little one had lead poisoning when he was a baby, thanks so much for your post, I will look into the supplements.

[KJoslyn78]

Originally Posted by lab

I think the point kjoslyn78 is trying to make is that your comment and bluntness is not helpful to the op. The OP knows that she is off track. The thread title even says that. To come and point out the hurtful part of her problem does not help. Your first line and statement was harsh and the OP does not need that response at this point in time.

She asked for help. I'm gonna say it again........

And I personally think anyone posting comments about how horrible spanking and hitting is would be counterproductive at this point. The OP knows it is bad, hence the post. Some people have personalities that would never even desire to hit - and some people are naturally aggressive. It's how we come to learn ourselves and parenting abilities is what's important.

Originally Posted by MissMaegie'sMama

I wrote the post that kjoslyn78 seconded, and lab, you have nailed the exact point I tried to make. I also pointed out in that post that intentionalmama did NOT say the OP is an abuser, but she did label OP's behavior as such. Labels rarely help in these situations, but concrete suggestions and support DO help. And as I pointed out, there are lots of wonderful suggestions in this thread, and I'm taking notes myself.

Lab - exactly. There are other ways to have made your point without using the language you did. For someone already taking the courage to talk about it - what and how you said was a slam and a slap in the face as far as i am concerned. And if that had been me - i never would return to this forum again.

[BarnMomma]

Originally Posted by lab

What helps me and helped in the past was exercise.

When my three kids were about the same age as yours I was frustrated all the time. I would get up in the morning frustrated. Gosh - getting them ready for school in the morning and out the door was a nightmare.

I didn't start running to help me be a better parent - but boy it has made me a better parent. I am so much calmer. I run or sweat daily and it has made a huge difference in my parenting and over all wellness. I'm never sick! And I never never never yell anymore. And I have three teenagers now!

Another thing you might try is when your frustration is getting higher and higher - look at your kid. I mean just look at them - in the eyes - that always instantly made me empathetic to them. Most of the time the anger and need to smack would turn into a hug. A hug will diffuse a situation pretty quickly.

Also, you need to make sure you are getting loads of sleep. Go to bed when they go to bed a couple nights a week. I know it's hard to ignore the kitchen and laundry - but you hate the feeling of powerlessness you feel during those rages more.......

As to your post regarding the lack of help or listening....give consequences. Don't keep talking. It is amazing how quickly they listen. Like this - "10 year old, I asked you to go outside. If you don't go outside I will take your iPod until tomorrow morning." Wait about a minute or two (don't stand over them - even leave the room if you to)...then you march immediately and get the iPod. Might not be popular - but you are having a breakdown - this consequence is better than screaming, cussing and yelling. Another thing I do when I am at my wits end is to sit on the sofa and turn on the tv. I get the kids all around me and we snuggle on the sofa and watch the boob tube until we get hungry! My kids are 13, 14 and 16. The best way to get over being angry at your mom is to snuggle with her. Same for you - you'll forget really quickly how irritated you are when your 6 year old is sitting in your lap, loving on you. You should see my 5 ft 10, 16 year old laying on me and playing with my hair!


And I personally think anyone posting comments about how horrible spanking and hitting is would be counterproductive at this point. The OP knows it is bad, hence the post. Some people have personalities that would never even desire to hit - and some people are naturally aggressive. It's how we come to learn ourselves and parenting abilities is what's important.

I think this is all good advice.

I especially think that ALL of you getting outside exercise is great idea.

Also I like the idea of consequence but with a choice. I tend to say things like "DS- Mommy asked you put your train away and put your shoes on. If you are not going to listen to mommy then we are not going to the park. It is your choice. Either listen to mommy, or we are staying home."

Also I don't make threats. I make statments and I stick to them. If I asked my son to do or not do something twice with no response, I give a last warning, ask once more and if doesn't get done I follow through with my consequence. It helps ME keep my cool and I don't hear as much fussing from DS because if he gets upset I can calmly explain that I clearly stated XYZ and even if he's upset with the consequence being followed through with, I feel that I was fair. I don't lose my temper and there is no yelling.

[SheSpeeds]

Me Too

If you don't have the money for family counselling or your own personal counselor, sometimes I avoid the trip by asking myself what I think she will ask me, and then thinking about the answer.

Otherwise, i was actually logging on to post nearly the same woes of motherhood, feeling like I'm not parenting from the right place, knowing I'm a patient and creative person and just not seeing that come to fruition. I swatted my son this weekend for the third time in his life, I feel more guilty about not having been able to circumvent situation before it happened than whether or not the spank was the right or wrong thing to do.

I'm new to the Gentle discipline forum and it's specifically because of what you've described even though my life's situation is completely different. What's the same is Stress, and developing kids. I relish in their individuality at the same time I'm bitching at them to comply and in essence obey...and those are two polar opposites. It's not something I can just hug him and tell him I love him (which I do), my actions are so important more so than words to express that same message. I have thought about perhaps it's depression. I had some issues with postpartum depression aroudn this time with my son. I dealt with it by an herbal and homeopathic approach recommended to me by a homeopathic doc. And diet and geting some active time alone. A walk by myself vs a walk with the stroller are leagues apart in its ability to renew and refresh me.

The only suggestion I haven't yet heard in this thread is to KEEP READING THIS FORUM, even if it's unrelated, reading some of hte threads opens my creativity and gives me that can-do feeling again. This is a great resource for renewal!

Other ideas: don't watch the news for a while, turn off the tube except for one favorite show (let it be last comic standing, for a good laugh ), stay away from facebook and other "empty" noise. Kind of like empty calories, things that fill us up with junk. While I realize it's my duty as a citizen to be abreast on the political goings on and vote accordingly, I chose to cut that out of my life for a while. It was causing unnecessary stress. Try it for a while and see how you feel, add back what you miss. The more overwhelmed I get, the more I seem to turn on the tv and disappear into a vegatative state. Read something useful instead with that time, or just sit there and work on relaxing body parts.

[BCFD]

This thread is truly amazing! I subbed so I can keep coming back and re-reading the advice.

I was raised in a very, very loving home and to this day have the most fondest memories of my childhood. However, my dad was a big screamer, and I find myself barking commands at my kids and raising my voice more than I should. I think a lot of this is a) what I was used to as a kid, b) the stress of having 3 kids under 6, and c) a partner who works a lot.

OP, I just want to say how incredibly touched I am that you came to MDC to share this! I can't even begin to imagine trying to do this alone. As I was reading through this thread, so other ideas popped into my head so I just wanted to put them out there:

* Do you attend any sort of church, temple, synagog, etc.? I am not a regular church-goer, but I do believe that if I ever felt like there was nobody I could talk to (friends, family, therapist) I could absolutely sit down and talk to the reverend at our church. It's a non-domination church that celebrates the spirit more than a religion. I think just having a sense of community might ease some of the burden you are feeling.

* In my area of California we have something called "The Warm Line". Could you look to see if there is something like this in your area? http://www.warmlinefrc.org/

* Do you think it would be possible for a friend or family member (or even your exDH!) to take the kids a couple days a week so that you can have some time for yourself? There are also crisis "nurseries" for children in our area that is essentially free respite care for parents who need a few hours/days to pull it together.

I think you got so much good advice here!! I hope that you have been ok this summer. And lemme tell ya, I am SERIOUSLY looking forward to the start of a new school year.

((hugs))

[MPJJJ]

Hi! I can't believe this thread is still going, it makes me feel not so alone, but also very sad, because parenting should be fun, not so stressful for everyone!

I am happy to report that things have gotten a lot better these past few months. I finally have a car again, so that means that we can just get out of the house and do fun activities like fishing, swimming, hiking, ya know, the stuff that brings everyone together. We even go out in the woods and just spend hours picking plants and flowers, and bringing them back to identify on the web.

The boys are now in counseling, all of them, and even though I am not getting therapy, I am finding that it is helping me to become a better parent. I am ashamed to admit that I simply do not know how to parent my adhd child, but the therapist has helped me to realize that it is a disability, and should be treated as one. One trick I have learned is to connect with my kids before making a request, by standing in the middle of the room and not speaking until all eyes are on me, even if it means holding my little one by the arm until he is looking directly into my eyes. Then I have them repeat it back to me, just to make sure that they really heard me. It has made such a difference!

The therapy is also helping my DP learn to be a parental figure to my children, which is a challenge because he doesnt have children of his own. It feels like everyone is starting to be on the same page, instead of being in completely different books, and it feels wonderful. We're playing more board games, watching more movies, cooking more meals together, and my DP is trying very hard to repair his relationship with my little one, and I think they're both slowly starting to come around to seeing the other's point of view. I hope that everyone is enjoying what is left of the summer, and please keep posting, because I know I will be back for sure!

[peaceful_mama]

Hi

My kids are younger than yours. (though the oldest is almost 6 and can be a loud talker sometimes, he really seems better though lately.) And I'm not single, but DH works a lot and he works strange hours, so I also have the stress of trying to keep them fairly quiet so he can sleep. (though he is really very understanding of this and will take the one instigating with him. While it does interrupt his sleep, it's not like he's asleep anyway if they are fighting and loud.)

I could have written this post probably a few weeks ago. I also don't know how I got to the point I did, nor can I really explain exactly what happened to change things even a little bit. (I'd say though that my oldest being in school, and me getting a half-day break from my own kids spent in his classroom is a major part of what's helping me. Also, because of school, we're back in a very consistent routine, which I think is a MAJOR MAJOR help!)

Anyway, somewhere in the last 2 weeks, I came to a realization that trying to *force them* to do *anything* was pretty much a waste of my time and energy and it was a MAJOR part of the problem.

So...for one example, my evenings have gone from calling the kids in at 7 PM and ending up trying to chase them down and carry them in if/when they refuse....to giving them the option around 6 PM to "come inside if you want time to watch Toy Story--current favorite video--before bed."
Then, if/when they don't, the next 'reminder' might be "if you want time for a short show before bed" (a 10 min. on-demand video of their choice) (my oldest particularly likes the TV before bedtime privilege, so I use this to my advantage.)

So far, they have *always* come inside, with those reminders, before it has become a COME IN NOW scenario again. BUT...when they do come in, I explain that because they stayed out after I said--XYZ--they don't have time to do--XYZ--now.
They really seem to understand that *they* have made this choice. I have--so far--NOT gotten anything more than a small token argument to see if I am really going to stick to what I said.

So, I would say that changing the timing of my reminders/requests and turning it into a choice for them has helped me stay calm. It also seems to have helped my kids comply better when they absolutely MUST do something, because (I think) they feel like they have more control (over things that don't really matter that much to me.)

I also feel like I've somehow planned out how I'm going to respond already, so I now know--in the heated moments when they show up--how I am going to respond and what exactly I am going to enforce. I would say having a plan of action has majorly helped me stay calm, and the calm/experience I have gained from dealing with this one big problem we were having--coming inside to get ready for bed--has helped me figure out how to respond to other situations calmly. (like DD not wanting to sit in her own carseat this morning. Legally, and by the manufacturer's instructions, she *could* sit in her brother's seat. I just don't feel that a shoulder-belt booster is truly safe for her yet, she's a skinny little 3 and more wiggly than he is. But since I had a person waiting for me to move, and it wasn't *illegal* or entirely unsafe, and a very short distance, I didn't fight her on it. BUT I did take her directly home rather than to the store where she would've gotten to ride a free horse she likes, and she did not ride along to pick up her brother from school today. And I was able to *calmly* inform her that she could not go because of the fuss she put up about sitting in her own seat. A few weeks ago, I might have fought this battle out. I might have yelled and/or swore. Today, I didn't.)

So, this is really long.....the short of it is I have found that a different timing of my requests, offering choices whenever I can, and having a plan in mind for how I'm going to respond to the choice they make is what has helped me reduce my yelling and frustration. (and yes, I've spanked too...but since I've changed and started thinking about how I'm going to respond when they don't do what I'm asking, I'm finding that I don't feel the urge at all to spank...I think it is because I have only spanked when "I don't know what else to do." and now...most of the time, I've thought of something else to do!

Oh, and WALK AWAY. When you offer the choice, WALK AWAY and let it be.

I've been known to even go lock myself in a room and start cleaning something just to get away for a bit when I need to--it puts my mind somewhere else, and they can't really follow me. (My mom also lives here! my kids are not ALONE!! but for yours who are older it wouldn't be totally neglectful or anything for you to do this for a few minutes when you really need to. You're still in the house and available in an emergency, you just get a mental break from listening to the loud voices, the noise, being in the same room with running around and roughhousing, whatever it is you need a break from.)

s nobody ever said this was easy...