Is it possible to change introversion?

[mommahhh]

I'm feeling really bad right now.

I have always been introverted. I was very shy and quiet as a child. Meek (yuck). Low self esteem. I always have one (maybe two) friends at most...never a group of friends. I don't know why! I don't get it. I imagine a lot of people from highschool wouldn't even remember my name, even though I totally know who they are. This is how I grew up.

I tried hard to break out of that mold in college and at work. Well, I've never been able to really get away from it. I'm introverted. I feel awkward around people I don't know well. It is SO hard for me to make friends. I know my true personality....I am kind, I am smart, I have a dry sense of humor, I regularly make friends laugh, etc. But I don't know how I appear to other people who don't know me. Aloof? Snotty? Bored? Boring? No clue. But whatever it is, it isn't working.

For the most part, I'm able to just ignore it all. I work from home. I avoid putting myself in positions where I'll feel uncomfortable (or be ignored....I'm always ignored). But now that my DD is in a school that fosters community and events, I am trying to get out there more. It is not going well. AT ALL. I've attended a few events with the other moms. I force myself to go talk to them, try to get to know them. Some of them have even been to my house. But it always ends up like yesterday.......

They had a garden party at the school. I get dressed up and go. There are moms wandering around the yard. I try to be friendly and open. I'm smiling. I smile and say hi to various moms. Ask how they are doing. They say hi, fine, and move on. So now what?! I'm basically left standing there feeling awkward, while moms are in little groups of 2 or 3 chatting happily together. They all know each other I suppose. I don't know how to break into these groups. I've tried (at the last party). I forced myself to walk up to a group and smile and be outgoing. They said hi, but I felt really weird and awkward. Nobody included me in the conversation (and I wasn't sure how to become involved....I've tried that before and I usually am talked over). So I just listened, but I felt totally stupid, like I was eavesdropping on friends.

Anyway, at the party, I felt so sad suddenly. Watching all these happy, normal mothers. And I'm standing there like I'm in grade 8 all over again without a single friend. I have a friend who can make friends with anyone -- I've watched her make friends with a stranger at the park and those people go on to be good friends with her! I have tried learning her technique, but I don't understand what she's doing that is different....people just seem to respond to her differently. They basically ignore me. And I feel "less than". So I can imagine my DD will eventually wonder why all the other moms at school are friends, and her mommy has no friends.

AHHHH I'm feeling so sad today.

[A&A]

I know how you feel. It sucks sometimes.

[mommahhh]

If there is anyone who is extroverted, would you be willing to give me pointers?

What should I do differently? Like at the party, where I'm basically being totally ignored and all the moms are all in little groups (of mostly 2 or 3), and even when I come stand near them they don't even look at me. What would an extrovert do in that case?

(for the record, I felt pretty stupid standing around there, wandering aimlessly, trying to look really interested in choosing which juice to pour....so I just left...of course nobody noticed )

[A&A]

So this is a tip I read. I practice it sometimes. It helps to ask someone for a favor. So ask someone to hand you something, help you pick up something, whatever you can think of.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

(((hugs))))

I'm 99% introvert and can relate to your feelings of shyness.
As strange as it sounds, what's been helping me is trying to embrace my introversion. Once you can become comfortable with it, really know who you are, why you are and how to deal with yourself then you can start learning interaction techniques that won't compromise your inner introvert. I was unhappy because of I was hiding and ashamed of who I was, not because I wanted to be an extrovert.

There's a thread over in the Find Your Tribe section for introverts. Not sure if you've seen that. It has tons of good info, books to read and people who understand exactly how you feel.

I don't personally think introversion is something you can unlearn or change (try telling an extrovert they MUST be introverted! Ha! not going to happen), but it is something you can learn to compensate for during short periods of time in order to function in an extrovert dominated world.

[prothyraia]

Yes and no.

I'm an introvert. I find social situations generally draining, and I need time by myself to recharge. That's never going to change.

BUT- I can enjoy interacting with people, and have developed at least some social skills over the course of the past 10 years. I'm still fairly awkward, but I've decide that it's okay for me to be that awkward slightly socially inept weird person. *shrug*

[kittywitty]

I am an introvert, as well. I used to want to change it, but really, am starting to find it a good thing. It's kind of a "grass is greener on the other side" thing. Those people may *look* happy, but you don't know if they really are.

[sparklefairy]

I used to think that I was "just introverted" but have discovered that low self-esteem and poor social skills are not the same thing as getting energy from time spent alone. I've learned to identify when I need time alone (and have worked with my kids to help them to identify that need in them) and catch myself in the negative self talk loop. I have to actively work to remember to interact appropriately (not interrupting others, saying, "hi" instead of just starting a conversation).

[LROM]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

If there is anyone who is extroverted, would you be willing to give me pointers?

What should I do differently? Like at the party, where I'm basically being totally ignored and all the moms are all in little groups (of mostly 2 or 3), and even when I come stand near them they don't even look at me. What would an extrovert do in that case?

(for the record, I felt pretty stupid standing around there, wandering aimlessly, trying to look really interested in choosing which juice to pour....so I just left...of course nobody noticed )

Wow, I am SO GLAD you asked for an extroverts opinion! I often read the introvert threads because I'm always interested in insights into how I can help introverted people I know to be more comfy. But no one's ever asked for an extroverts opinion in what I've read, so I thank you for inviting my input!

So my advice is so simple to say but so hard to do. Step 1, most important basic step: You have to BE YOURSELF. Which means, if social situations leave you feeling awkward and not knowing what to say, you should try to find some social situations where the content of the situation is interesting to you. That way, if all else fails, you have the subject matter of the event to turn back to and engage people about.

You're a mom now - are there any aspects of your child's development or education that particularly interest you? Does your child's school invite parent volunteers for events or trips or even just regular classroom dynamics? Sign up. In those situations you'll have something to do, or at least someone who's job it is to tell you what you're supposed to do. You can ask questions abotu what's going on, you can ask for help, you can make observations. I know that won't necessarily lead to new parent/mommy friends initially, but it may help you get more comfy just interacting with other people.

What is your child interested in? If they're old enough to have specific interests, try to get your child to more things like that (sports, books, playgrounds, music lessons). When you're at those events, ask other parents questions about their childrens' interests and about the topic (like the sport or the music lesson).

Basic step 2: ASK QUESTIONS. Someone else already suggested you ask for help. Basically I think any question is a good way to start a conversation. Let's say your child likes arts and crafts, try to find events/opportunities to take your dc to those events and ask parents questions like "Where do you buy your supplies?" "What specific projects does your child really like, because I'm trying to get new ideas for projects for my dc. " "Do you know of any play groups that focus on arts and crafts?"

OR... think of your own interests, are there any things your'e intrested in (books, t.v., movies, gardening, cooking, sewing, anything?) and have you looked for local groups where they either teach it or do it? Go there and ask questions.

The bottom line on questions is, people like to feel like they're being helpful by knwoing answers (for the most part, most people are like that). People generally liked being approached like they're an expert in something. Asking questions can be the start of a conversation over and over again. And it gives you something to talk about, instead of having to make up a topic outof think air.

Basic step 3: this one is hard, but is SO important: You have to learn not to have high expectations of how people will respond to you. You can NOT take people's lack of a response to you personally. YOu don't know what that person is thinking/feeling, and so often it seems like you failed to interest them but you just never know.

Atthat party you talked about where moms were in little groups, the honest truth is your discomfort with not having anyone engage you probably showed. Which may have left other moms not knowing what to say to you, sot hey didn't say anything.

My point here is, try try try to go to your next event and simply give yourself a low hanging fruit goal, like "If I can talk to one mom about the subject matter of this gathering for 5 min, that's success and I can leave if I can't think of anyone else to talk to!" Most people can talk about themselve sand their interest in something for way more than 5 min, so again, ask questions. Then feel good and proud if you can just meet that one goal. Dont' go into it having the expectation you'll leave with a new best friend: that will just set you up to be disappointed and feel like a failure. And others will see that you don't feel good and not know what to do.

I am mostly a major extrovert, although I love spendign time alone (at least I did before dd was born - now I wish I had some alone time!). I once drove across the US all by myself and went into restaurants, bars, parks, and just met local people and talked to them. Also backpacked alone in Europe in my 20s for 6 months, met people all the time. Here inthe US I used to go to concerts alone, or just be out and about and meet lots of people. For my 30th and 40th birthdays friends flew in from all over the US for a huge adult sleepover (adult meaning we were all adults staying up late, catching up and acting like kids). So I am very comfortable in situations where I don't know anyone or I am looking to make new friends.

But I had my dd in a town I didn't know many people in, and for the 1st time in my life I struggled to meet new friends (moms), and I figured out why it was harder: it was the 1st time I NEEDED to find people who understood my mom experience. Most of my life I didn't feel I NEEDED new friends, so when they came along I was really casual and cool about it. But now I NEEDED new friends and I struggled a little. But then I went back to these tips I just gave you, and went to mom-themed thigns like baby play groups for new moms, consignment sales, playgrounds... and eventually I met several moms of similar aged kids and now I have a few people I can socialize with who I can relate to. SO even us extroverts sometimes need practice in socializing!

Even though doing these things may be much harder for you as an introvert than they are for me, I'm telling you, these steps WORK for introverts. The "recovering introverts" that I know who have really gotten so much more comfy making and keeping friends all say that these steps are key, so I am not just giving you my opinion.

Wow this is really long, I hope it's helpful! Start small, and give yourself permission to feel uncomfy and awkward. But also promise yourself that you'll congratulate yourself and celebrate yourself for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE EFFORT you make. Because every journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

Celebrate each step in the right direction,no matter how wrong you think it turns out!

I have one, last really random step I'd suggest. Have you seen the movie "Crash" with Matt Dillon, Sandra Bullock, Ludacris, etc? See that (or see it again) and focus on the fact that when you interact with strangers, you really don't know ANYTHING aboutwhere that person is coming from, why they act/talk/seem a certain way, or what they base their behavior on. But one thing is usually true: they were like that before they ever met you, and you didn't "make them" have a bad reaction (unless you did something awful). I suggest watching this film to help you not take it personally when people don't respond the way you want them to. Don't assume it's a reflection on your worth as a friend. You need to be able to just be yourself and hope forthe best but not be deflated every time it's awkward. Social situations ARE awkward, they just are! So try to find topics that interest you, that you can talk about or ask questions about, and take small steps/set small goals for engaging new people on those topics.

And report back, no matter how well or how badly you think thigs are going!

[LittleBattleAxe]

Momahhh, I read your post and my heart really went out to you. ((((hugs)))))

I'm introverted but not shy. What you are describing sounds a little more like social anxiety, a little less like introversion. For me, I do enjoy being with friends -- but in small groups, not big crowds -- but I really enjoy being by myself, doing my own things. What I am getting from your post is that you are shy, and feeling sometimes lonely. Introverts aren't necessarily lonely -- they like being alone But shy people can feel that way.

Here are some things you can try --
1.) Introduce yourself with a smile and handshake (even if you think the person should know you, maybe they've forgotten --)
2.) Ask the other people questions about themselves (especially when the conversation has one of those long pauses) Spend more time listening than talking. People will remember you as a good listener. Especially a good tip for people like me who will never be the life of the party. Ask them anything... if the punch is any good, what movies they've watched recently. Try to use open-ended questions so that someone won't answer "yes" or "no" and then there is one of those awkward pauses.
3.) Don't feel like you have to prove your social worthiness. People will like you for YOU -- not who you know, not what committee you have been on, not who your children/spouse/neighbor is. If you feel you have to point out your connections, fine, but simplicity is often welcomed in situations where people do a lot of talking
4.) Help. Don't ask if you can help -- step in and start DOING. It's a lot easier to have a conversation when you are engaged in a common activity than when you are sitting around expected to converse, you know?
5.) If you have a dry/wry sense of humor, don't be afraid to use it! People LIKE intelligence and humor.
6.) Try to remember a detail. Maybe you meet Melissa at a pool party and she tells you she is taking her first long trip with a toddler. Next time you see her, call her by name and then ask her about the trip. People love to be remembered. Most likely, she will be quite happy to talk about it and will warm right up to you.
7.) Tell people you are shy. It's okay to say, "I never quite know what to do at these things," confidentially to someone you are standing near. You're likely to hear something like, "oh, let me introduce you to So and So," or "I know! I hate these things." Either is a great door-opener.


My own dh is gregarious, charming, everyone who meets him really likes him, a lot. His secret is that, when he talks to you, he makes you feel like you are the only important person in the room at that moment. He makes eye contact, adjusts his body posture to reflect interest and sincerity, listens and responds, does a lot of nonverbal signaling like nods, frowns, smiles, etc. I'm not a touchy-feely person by nature, but his approach works almost all the time for him.

It's also okay to initiate activity when you are feeling a little insecure -- inviting moms over, playdates at park. It's fine! Just determine beforehand that you are going to have fun whether one person or ten people show up.

I do think a key to being well-liked is not so much introversion/extroversion, but the ability to be comfortable with yourself. Certainly there is nothing wrong with being shy, but if it's affecting your self-esteem, maybe you can try to work out some strategies for social situations and see how they work out.

[Baby~Braatens~Mama]

Originally Posted by LROM

Celebrate each step in the right direction,no matter how wrong you think it turns out!

I have one, last really random step I'd suggest. Have you seen the movie "Crash" with Matt Dillon, Sandra Bullock, Ludacris, etc? See that (or see it again) and focus on the fact that when you interact with strangers, you really don't know ANYTHING aboutwhere that person is coming from, why they act/talk/seem a certain way, or what they base their behavior on. But one thing is usually true: they were like that before they ever met you, and you didn't "make them" have a bad reaction (unless you did something awful). I suggest watching this film to help you not take it personally when people don't respond the way you want them to. Don't assume it's a reflection on your worth as a friend. You need to be able to just be yourself and hope forthe best but not be deflated every time it's awkward. Social situations ARE awkward, they just are! So try to find topics that interest you, that you can talk about or ask questions about, and take small steps/set small goals for engaging new people on those topics.

And report back, no matter how well or how badly you think thigs are going!

I would like to thank you both! For starting the thread (I know exactly how you feel) and for the excellent advice!

[LittleBattleAxe]

BTW Sparklefairy I think it is majorly fantastic that you have learned to differentiate between "introversion" and "shyness" (or difficulties with social skills). The two are really different things and it makes me irritated sometimes when people confuse them! Since you've discovered this about yourself, do you think it's changed how you interact with people?

[LittleBattleAxe]

Short article on introversion v. shyness...

http://psychcentral.com/library/shyness.htm

[Freedom~Mama]

Totally know how you feel! I hate feel so socially awkward. It is weird for me because I do have two Mom friends at my DD's school but I start to feel like I cling to them at school events because they talk to everyone and I don't really feel comfortable so I kind of stand around listening to them talk to other people (they are both Extroverts and I am shy and an Introvert) and then I start to feel really awkward and embarrassed. I wish I could talk to people easier. I feel so so shy around people I don't know. I grew up hearing all the time from everyone how I was soo shy, meek, silent, mute, antisocial etc. People don't seem to realize how embarrassing and humiliating it is to be called out in public on your personality. I have never heard anyone ask an Extrovert why they are so outgoing or loud or talkative. No one expects them to change and I don't see why people are so uncomfortable with people who are quiet. Anyway I need to get down off my soapbox lol, I just feel very strongly about this topic.

Anyway what I try to do is realize that I am smart, funny, interesting and have a lot to offer. I try to smile and be as friendly as I can but also not so hard on myself and realize that I will always be an Introvert. It is just who I am and I am okay with that. Other people might not be but I am, and whoever I am friends with will see the positive traits that I have. It is still a struggle for me to feel comfortable with who I am but I am improving.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I'm introverted and never really wanted to be anything else. I have just one or two friends and that's fine. At parties, I usually sit by myself, engage with someone else's child, or find just one other person to talk with.

But one thing I've noticed about extroverts. They're persistent! Its remarkable and it never ceases to amaze me to see it happen. I would never keep pushing a conversation on someone who hasn't responded to my first and only attempt. But extroverts do! Its like they can't imagine that someone wouldn't want to talk with them; that doesn't even enter their mind. They just keep talking when there's been too much silence. Weirdest thing to me also is that it works! Eventually, even though I wanted to just be left alone, I'll find myself enjoying engaging with the extrovert who kept ignoring my subtle "go away" signals.

I think we introverts probably just take social interaction way too seriously, and read stuff into interactions that didn't go like we planned that just isn't there.

[Jaesun's Dad]

I'm an intro too, and it might be harder for guys at times because despite all the gender equalizing ideals of our modern times it's still a guy that's supposed to approach women. Thank goodness for craigslist or I'd never be a dad at all.

I don't know that it's so easy to overcome. I knew a bartender once that I thought was one of the most charismatic guys I ever met but he once confided to me that he was really shy. I couldn't believe it, he said he just made an effort to be more social and that was part of why he chose such a public facing career.

I can't approach strangers. Both my partner and I feel this with trying to meet parents too. We want to be in a parent group or get to know other parents in our area to do things together and find playmates for our son but neither of us are very good at making new friends.

While I'm sometimes sad that I don't make friends easily, and I only have a handful of friends, I also realize that the friends I do have a true friends, and most of them I have known for many years. Most of them for 15 or more years, and one childhood friend (my "BFF" though I hate the term) I've known for well over 30 years.

Likewise with lovers, I haven't had a lot, but most of them I was with for several years.

What really bothers me is when people make comments like "you sure do talk a lot don't you" (sarcastically) and similar. Nothing like someone pointing out how shy you are to make you open up right?

There's some good tips in this thread, they're hard to put in practice. I've thought about going to "charisma school" myself ... my introversion also has kept me from climbing the corporate ladders as quickly as I should too.

[mommahhh]

thank you, thank you. I don't think I really have a problem being introverted in general....only when I have to be in awkward social positions, I wish everything flowed easier for me. I'd honestly just rather be at home, but that's not always possible. For the most part, I avoid anything like this because I end up feeling like a total dweeb.

I will definitely try some of these ideas.

Just a funny aside....last month I was at an event with 2 other people. They were up getting drinks, and I was left sitting at this table with a guy I didn't know at all. I felt so uncomforable, and he didn't make any effort to talk to me. I made 1 or 2 little friendly comments, but I guess they were weak because he didn't really respond much. Then the other 2 people came back. The one guy (who is a total extrovert) just easily started chatting away with this stranger at our table. They talked and talked and became best buds for the rest of the night. It was amazing to witness.

[Galatea]

You can't change your personality orientation, but you can do a few things to help your social situation:

1. Embrace your introversion. It is not a flaw. Being introverted has a ton of advantages. Read and learn about it and separate who you are from some cultural/8th grade idea of what makes a "good" person.

2. Learn tricks for social situations. My #1 tip is to ask other people questions. Most people looooooooove to talk about themselves, so if you start asking them about their jobs/kids/hobbies, they will go on and on, and b/c you are giving them a podium, they will come out of the conversation thinking you are so nice. This brings in one of the introvert advantages: use your quiet time to read a variety of materials. That way, you will know something about the things people are into, and this will help conversation flow.

3. Forget about school mom events. I cannot stand them, either, and school moms are notorious for being boring and generally the same people who were popular in 8th grade. Think about it - their happiest time was 8th grade when they were popular, and so they like to relive it in their own kids' school. The only moms I find interesting are the ones who aren't at the mom events b/c they have something other to do besides talk about their kids' school!!!

[francie024]

Yeah that!

Agree

[JonahRoo]

Oh i know the perfect book for you! It helped me so much in understanding myself. You can even go online and google for "The Highly Sensitive Person" and take a quiz to see if you are an HSP.

I started with her book "The Highly Sensitive Person In Love" and then read "The Highly Sensitive Person" (which I would recommend reading first).

You are not weird or abnormal in anyway. Read this book...you will see!