Originally Posted by singin'intherain
Boundaries. The feeling I get from you is that you and your kids are at the mercy of his whims and moods. This is not good. You said he was even taking you and the kids out to dinner for a while- but you were uncomfortable with it because you didn't know what [U]he[U] meant by it. A lot of this sounds like classic manipulative garbage- the hot and cold behavior, playing family one month and blocking you from his email another- this just isn't good.
I think what sounds really wrong here is about your son. If he was running around like a tasmanian devil one day when ex was over and you sent him to his room to calm down, ok. But if he spends whole visits in there just to avoid rubbing ex the wrong way with his normal personality, not ok. That is your home, your son's home, and in no way is it acceptable for ex to have that kind of control over the people who live there.
And how is that he gets to be "willing" to have his dd for visits? For crying out loud! Unless you agree that he can't be trusted to have her on unsupervised visits, there is no earthly reason for you, or anybody to supervise. None of this is supposed to be all on his terms! Healthy relationships just don't work that way.
The one and only sure way to deal with this kind of stuff is to mentally put your own boundaries where you feel comfortable having them, and then don't let them cross them. He will deal, really. He doesn't have any actual power in your life. When you have your parenting time, you are free to parent in your way, and same for him. He has nothing to say about your son, and you don't have to listen to him or have a conversation about him at all. I could go on. You can talk to his sister and be her best friend if you want to. Who cares what he thinks?
You know, sometimes I forget that a dysfunctional relationship can be made to be more healthy/functional and I don't have to just adapt, or learn to live with the craziness.
I woke up this morning early and in a good mood. I'm not going to let thie man dictate ANYTHING to me. I have my life to live with my kids, he has his life to live how he wants it. I'm SICK AND TIRED of walking on eggshells, feeling like I have to stifle my personality, fearful that I'll say or do something that will set him off. I need to take care of myself and my kids and let this 38 year old man deal with his own issues. I spend so much energy wanting to help him to be happy, thinking we'll all be better off if he is. But I have gotten to feel terrorized by him. REALLY, HE IS A BASICALLY GOOD, REASONABLE PERSON most of the time. But I think by giving him too much control, it hasn't been good for either of us.
I am a good mother, my kids are healthy, happy, well -adjusted and I think they'll stay that way. I want to be happy, too, and he's been robbing me of joy and peace. I don't know how manipulative he is, if any of this is on purpose, or not, but as long as I do my own thing, mind my own business, and build and maintain good boundaries, I think the court system will be on my side, should he push that.
I honestly think my fear of him taking the baby illegally is ungrounded. I need to quit dwelling on that.
And I also decided this morning, that if my daughter's aunt wants to be friends, I'm not going to hold back any more than I would with any other mother I'm friends with. I'm not going to annoy her--she just got here and I'm going to leave the ball in her court. She has already expressed a desire to get together with the kids. I think we could be good friends if I can ignore her connection to my baby's father. I pray that her coming here will be a good thing.