I still think we're screwed

[Mama~Love]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't see how we're going to survive if this is how it's going to be. I've tried getting on a budget but DH does not get it - at ALL. He doesn't understand that we have NO money for frivilous things, like him going fishing all the time!

I took a week off of work to recover from a miscarriage/D&C, which was 2 weeks ago. DH took time off of work to help me. I don't have vacation time, I'm just a temp; it's all unpaid. DH used FMLA, still working on the paperwork for that.

Now, of course, we're behind on bills. Our mortgage payment sucks us dry every month. We were close to foreclosing on it, but we came to an agreement that we thought was good. It reduced our rate 2% for 2 years. Whoopdeedo. Doesn't help us at all. I really regret signing those papers. They wouldn't even give us a break on reducing any fees/back payments.

I've been working fulltime since December. It hasn't made a bit of difference. We're still behind, still struggling to pay all the bills. I absolutely HATE working, and feel a mom should be home with the kids. Obviously everyone around me thinks the opposite, including DH. He wants me to apply for a fulltime position that's available now, which would require mandatory overtime. I work from 2pm-10pm, and O/T would be til 11 or sometimes 12. I CAN'T do that - I'm exhausted as it is.

I just don't know what to do. I've tried contacting supposedly "foreclosure assistance" places before we signed, and they all said the same thing - get more income, or lose the house. No F-ing kidding - like we didn't know that?? That's not the help we're looking for. I thought these places were to help negociate with them to get us a mortgage we can afford. I hate that the world so undervalues parents. Just because one stays home doesn't mean they do nothing!

This is not what I signed up for when we got married. I thought we agreed that I'd stay home with the kids. I miss supper & bedtime every night. I only see my boys for 1 1/2 hours in the morning before they go to school. I hate every single minute I'm gone. Seems like DH doesn't care if I'm there or not.

I don't know what I'm looking for with all of this, maye just to vent or something.

[PenelopeJune]

I just wanted to give you hugs and say I understand.

Is your house on the market? If not, I'd put it up for sale ASAP. Can you rent a home in your area for less than your mortgage? (Don't forget to include renter's insurance in your calculations.) If not, can you relocate?

We short-sold our house earlier this year. We came thisclose to foreclosure, and in any case I know how stressful the whole situation is. We're now living in a much cheaper rental, and even though my husband just lost his job (the only job we had) I don't feel as stressed out about our situation.

I'd say you need to get out of that house, one way or another. And why don't you post your budget here? These women are FANTASTIC about helping figure out a budget.

*hugs*

[mtm]

I'm sorry. It sucks to need to work when you'd rather be home. Can you ask your dh to be the one to make the budget? Maybe if he has to work the numbers it will help it sink in?

[Mama~Love]

It was on the market for over a year, with 1 person coming to look at it. I don't know what it would cost to rent, or if we even could. We have 6 kids, DH, & myself. Not a whole lot of rentals that we could fit into.

I'm embarrassed to post our budget, and a bit scared to. I've posted it before here somewhere, but I might have deleted it. I know what a lot of them are going to say, and there's no way DH would ever sell anything or cut anything out. He feels so entitled to everything, he has no idea how this is stressing me out. It's impossible to to talk to him about anything it seems. He gets on these angry, cursing fits & does a lot of name-calling, storms out of the house for awhile, comes back & ignores me, then we don't speak for days on end.

[AngelBee]

Just know that I am praying for you. :

[mnnice]

First, hugs on you pregnancy loss and remember that both you and your partner would be going through a hard time even without any financial stressors.

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

I'm embarrassed to post our budget, and a bit scared to. I've posted it before here somewhere, but I might have deleted it. I know what a lot of them are going to say, and there's no way DH would ever sell anything or cut anything out. He feels so entitled to everything, he has no idea how this is stressing me out. It's impossible to to talk to him about anything it seems. He gets on these angry, cursing fits & does a lot of name-calling, storms out of the house for awhile, comes back & ignores me, then we don't speak for days on end.

Second, you guys seemed to have lost sight of the fact that you are on the same team. If you can't figure out a to get a long better it wouldn't matter if you were swimming in money. Frankly, I think that your marital problems supercede any financial ones.

I hesitate to say this given your overall stress, but when I read in your first post in this thread about how you signed up to stay home. I read entitlement in that too. I have been married for 10 years. In that time I have worked full-time, part-time, and not at all. DH has worked full-time and not at all as well. No one situation is going to be ideal forever and sometimes you have to make compromises that are far from ideal for various reasons.

[K1329]

I am in somewhat of a similar situation - making tough choices regarding finances for our family.
Sometimes we do what we don't want to for the sake of our kids! I know one mom who stays home and they have NO money. She is always telling her kids "we can't afford that" "no, you can't have that" and the like. I don't want to be that mom. I can't imagine telling my kids that they will be the only one at the school fair that can't ride the rides so I didn't have to work. Doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes working to provide is what's best for our kids.
On the flip side, we've given up alot so I can work part-time. Lowering our standard of living in car and housing choices to make more time for the kids. Also, IMO, what's best for the kids.
It's a tough balancing act. I totally understand your frustration.

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by mnnice

First, hugs on you pregnancy loss and remember that both you and your partner would be going through a hard time even without any financial stressors.

Second, you guys seemed to have lost sight of the fact that you are on the same team. If you can't figure out a to get a long better it wouldn't matter if you were swimming in money. Frankly, I think that your marital problems supercede any financial ones.

I hesitate to say this given your overall stress, but when I read in your first post in this thread about how you signed up to stay home. I read entitlement in that too. I have been married for 10 years. In that time I have worked full-time, part-time, and not at all. DH has worked full-time and not at all as well. No one situation is going to be ideal forever and sometimes you have to make compromises that are far from ideal for various reasons.

We get along fine as long as we don't discus money, or selling something, or try to live simpler. He will always want more, more, more. I want less, less, less. Meeting in the middle is hard. I'm going to try & get something on paper for him to see the mess we're in. Otherwise I don't know what we'll do.

Originally Posted by K1329

I am in somewhat of a similar situation - making tough choices regarding finances for our family.
Sometimes we do what we don't want to for the sake of our kids! I know one mom who stays home and they have NO money. She is always telling her kids "we can't afford that" "no, you can't have that" and the like. I don't want to be that mom. I can't imagine telling my kids that they will be the only one at the school fair that can't ride the rides so I didn't have to work. Doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes working to provide is what's best for our kids.
On the flip side, we've given up alot so I can work part-time. Lowering our standard of living in car and housing choices to make more time for the kids. Also, IMO, what's best for the kids.
It's a tough balancing act. I totally understand your frustration.

I'd gladly give up everything to be able to stay home, but DH refuses to. And I hate working to support HIS greedy habits, but I don't have the choice anymore. He doesn't care what I want, as long as his needs & wants are met. I'm so fed up with it.

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

We get along fine as long as we don't discus money, or selling something, or try to live simpler. He will always want more, more, more. I want less, less, less. Meeting in the middle is hard. I'm going to try & get something on paper for him to see the mess we're in. Otherwise I don't know what we'll do.



I'd gladly give up everything to be able to stay home, but DH refuses to. And I hate working to support HIS greedy habits, but I don't have the choice anymore. He doesn't care what I want, as long as his needs & wants are met. I'm so fed up with it.

that's just grotesque. kids/family are most important. my dh works 2 jobs so i can stay home with our kids. he also very rarely splurges but that is fine for him... your dh needs a reality check.

[eirual]

Sometimes, leading by example can go a long way. If getting DH to draft up a budget doesn't change him, is there any way you can create a budget, open a savings account yourself, and start saving on your own? DH can't spend money that's not there (I hope!....maybe lower the limits on the CCs while you're at the bank) and you could have it automatically withdrawn or simply state the truth that you're sticking to the budget- what he does is up to him.

When I was frivolous we kept our expenses separate so I didn't muck up our whole lives- DH's deal was that he wouldn't care what I did with the rest of my money as long as I paid the bills I was responsible for. Then I read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover and got crazy motivated now that I had clear goals and knew which direction to go in and that crazy "I want/need it now" mentality was NOT doing anyone any favours.

Good Luck, mama! Be sure you're taking care of your health too...I hope you find peace and a way to renew the excitement in your job. It's how you spend a good portion of your time, you should be proud and thankful that you have it (if you're feeling guilty about not being there, don't forget that it's quality over quantity...you can drop cool things/noes in you DC's lunches, discuss their previous days when you do see them, talk about how you miss talking and maybe ask them to leave you a note and a picture about their days...maybe leave them a pre-written question or sentence-starter, mail you a letter to work?). It's a tough situation, but the one thing that Dr. Phil said that I actually liked is that: you can't control others' actions. The only thing you have control over is how you stimulate/respond to the other people in your life.

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by lookatreestar

that's just grotesque. kids/family are most important. my dh works 2 jobs so i can stay home with our kids. he also very rarely splurges but that is fine for him... your dh needs a reality check.

DH also has 3 jobs, so he's trying, but it's still not enough if he won't quit spending. Yes, he needs a reality check, I know.

Originally Posted by eirual

Sometimes, leading by example can go a long way. If getting DH to draft up a budget doesn't change him, is there any way you can create a budget, open a savings account yourself, and start saving on your own? DH can't spend money that's not there (I hope!....maybe lower the limits on the CCs while you're at the bank) and you could have it automatically withdrawn or simply state the truth that you're sticking to the budget- what he does is up to him.

When I was frivolous we kept our expenses separate so I didn't muck up our whole lives- DH's deal was that he wouldn't care what I did with the rest of my money as long as I paid the bills I was responsible for. Then I read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover and got crazy motivated now that I had clear goals and knew which direction to go in and that crazy "I want/need it now" mentality was NOT doing anyone any favours.

Good Luck, mama! Be sure you're taking care of your health too...I hope you find peace and a way to renew the excitement in your job. It's how you spend a good portion of your time, you should be proud and thankful that you have it (if you're feeling guilty about not being there, don't forget that it's quality over quantity...you can drop cool things/noes in you DC's lunches, discuss their previous days when you do see them, talk about how you miss talking and maybe ask them to leave you a note and a picture about their days...maybe leave them a pre-written question or sentence-starter, mail you a letter to work?). It's a tough situation, but the one thing that Dr. Phil said that I actually liked is that: you can't control others' actions. The only thing you have control over is how you stimulate/respond to the other people in your life.

Thanks for your post! We have no CC, due to filing bankruptcy almost 2 years ago. My job is far from glamourous; it's in a manufacturing plant testing parts for 8 hours a day for $8.58/hr.

I'm going to try & get a budget set up this weekend, with or without DH's help. I like the idea of my own account for saving - will look into that as well.

I read Dave Ramsey is Christian-based - is that true? We're not into religion at all, so don't want anything preachy.

[eirual]

He is a Christian, but that's far from the focus of the book. Certainly not a reason to not read the book. You can always give it a shot and if you don't feel good about reading it stop, but I can't think of anything that rubbed me the wrong way and I'm not at all religious either. Deffinitely not "preachy" like I know some folks can get.

[choli]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't see how we're going to survive if this is how it's going to be. I've tried getting on a budget but DH does not get it - at ALL. He doesn't understand that we have NO money for frivilous things, like him going fishing all the time!

I took a week off of work to recover from a miscarriage/D&C, which was 2 weeks ago. DH took time off of work to help me. I don't have vacation time, I'm just a temp; it's all unpaid. DH used FMLA, still working on the paperwork for that.

Now, of course, we're behind on bills. Our mortgage payment sucks us dry every month. We were close to foreclosing on it, but we came to an agreement that we thought was good. It reduced our rate 2% for 2 years. Whoopdeedo. Doesn't help us at all. I really regret signing those papers. They wouldn't even give us a break on reducing any fees/back payments.

I've been working fulltime since December. It hasn't made a bit of difference. We're still behind, still struggling to pay all the bills. I absolutely HATE working, and feel a mom should be home with the kids. Obviously everyone around me thinks the opposite, including DH. He wants me to apply for a fulltime position that's available now, which would require mandatory overtime. I work from 2pm-10pm, and O/T would be til 11 or sometimes 12. I CAN'T do that - I'm exhausted as it is.

I just don't know what to do. I've tried contacting supposedly "foreclosure assistance" places before we signed, and they all said the same thing - get more income, or lose the house. No F-ing kidding - like we didn't know that?? That's not the help we're looking for. I thought these places were to help negociate with them to get us a mortgage we can afford. I hate that the world so undervalues parents. Just because one stays home doesn't mean they do nothing!

This is not what I signed up for when we got married. I thought we agreed that I'd stay home with the kids. I miss supper & bedtime every night. I only see my boys for 1 1/2 hours in the morning before they go to school. I hate every single minute I'm gone. Seems like DH doesn't care if I'm there or not.

I don't know what I'm looking for with all of this, maye just to vent or something.

If you take the fulltime/mandatory overtime job, will you be eligible for benefits, vacation time and health insurance? If so, I would take it. The bottom line is that your family needs more income. With your DH already working three jobs, it's clear that you are the one that will have to step up to the plate.

[bluebirdiemama]

I would look into some more options for selling your house... a friend of mine recently sold her house, on which she owed $162K, sold it for $117K and somehow didn't have to pay the difference. idk if there is something different about the market where you live... at least look around?
It just seems like, with you earning about $300 a week, and your dh working 3 jobs, you guys should be able to figure out something far more comfortable.

Would it help, maybe, if you worked up some drafts of options and compare to your current budget? Just tell him to look at the current budget, think about it for a few days, think about whether he thinks it's really fair to try to maintain it. Then have alternative ideas that he can weigh along side.
Maybe he will realize that he can make a few sacrifices, change some stuff around, and still be happy.

I agree you should read Dave Ramsey's total Money Makeover.
My hubby was majorly the type to want more and more and be down about not having it. When he started listening to D.R. on the radio it really changed his perspective.
I don't think there is much mention of God, other than the idea of tithing 10%... but you could easily budget the 10% for something else.
The financial advice and info is far worth overlooking the mention of tithes.

[laohaire]

I'm not Christian and don't care for preachy either, but Dave Ramsey didn't bother me. He doesn't mention it much, and the mentions are ok with me. (Obviously that's just my opinion!). I thought reading or listening to him might be a good idea for your husband too.

One thing that I see as potentially helpful in your case is that he is not all into self-denial or anything. It's not "money is bad, you should just live in a hut" - not at all. Dave likes money a lot and likes being rich and having nice cars and such. One of his sayings is "live like no-one else so that later, you can live like no-one else" - the point being that if you buckle down now, later you can be going on vacations and buying nice cars and so on, all with cash. Anyway, I am more of a simple living kinda girl, but I just thought this would resonate with your DH. He doesn't want to live a life of denial, the very idea depresses him (right?). Dave says, deny yourself for just a few years, and then you can have your cake and eat it too. He can look forward to actually spending MORE in the future if he is willing to make a few sacrifices now.

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by choli

If you take the fulltime/mandatory overtime job, will you be eligible for benefits, vacation time and health insurance? If so, I would take it. The bottom line is that your family needs more income. With your DH already working three jobs, it's clear that you are the one that will have to step up to the plate.

Yes, the job would include benefits. And I wouldn't have to "step up" if DH would cut down on buying crap. He doesn't appreciate that I go to work, he still complains I don't get enough done around the house. I'm just feeling used.

Originally Posted by bluebirdiemama

I would look into some more options for selling your house... a friend of mine recently sold her house, on which she owed $162K, sold it for $117K and somehow didn't have to pay the difference. idk if there is something different about the market where you live... at least look around?
It just seems like, with you earning about $300 a week, and your dh working 3 jobs, you guys should be able to figure out something far more comfortable.

Would it help, maybe, if you worked up some drafts of options and compare to your current budget? Just tell him to look at the current budget, think about it for a few days, think about whether he thinks it's really fair to try to maintain it. Then have alternative ideas that he can weigh along side.
Maybe he will realize that he can make a few sacrifices, change some stuff around, and still be happy.

I agree you should read Dave Ramsey's total Money Makeover.
My hubby was majorly the type to want more and more and be down about not having it. When he started listening to D.R. on the radio it really changed his perspective.
I don't think there is much mention of God, other than the idea of tithing 10%... but you could easily budget the 10% for something else.
The financial advice and info is far worth overlooking the mention of tithes.

I don't think we could ever sell this place. There's just not anyone looking for the type of property we have. We do love it here, but at what cost do we try to stay? Is it worth me running myself ragged to make ends meet, while DH is spending like someone with 3x our salaries??

I'll try to find a copy of the book somewhere. Not sure if our library would have it.

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I'm not Christian and don't care for preachy either, but Dave Ramsey didn't bother me. He doesn't mention it much, and the mentions are ok with me. (Obviously that's just my opinion!). I thought reading or listening to him might be a good idea for your husband too.

One thing that I see as potentially helpful in your case is that he is not all into self-denial or anything. It's not "money is bad, you should just live in a hut" - not at all. Dave likes money a lot and likes being rich and having nice cars and such. One of his sayings is "live like no-one else so that later, you can live like no-one else" - the point being that if you buckle down now, later you can be going on vacations and buying nice cars and so on, all with cash. Anyway, I am more of a simple living kinda girl, but I just thought this would resonate with your DH. He doesn't want to live a life of denial, the very idea depresses him (right?). Dave says, deny yourself for just a few years, and then you can have your cake and eat it too. He can look forward to actually spending MORE in the future if he is willing to make a few sacrifices now.

Thank you, I'll try to find the book. I hope I can get DH to read or listen to it too.

[choli]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

Yes, the job would include benefits. And I wouldn't have to "step up" if DH would cut down on buying crap. He doesn't appreciate that I go to work, he still complains I don't get enough done around the house. I'm just feeling used.

I don't think we could ever sell this place. There's just not anyone looking for the type of property we have. We do love it here, but at what cost do we try to stay? Is it worth me running myself ragged to make ends meet, while DH is spending like someone with 3x our salaries??

I'll try to find a copy of the book somewhere. Not sure if our library would have it.

What exactly is your DH spending so much money on? Maybe if you could keep track of that for a couple of months, then show it to him, he might see things differently.

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by choli

What exactly is your DH spending so much money on? Maybe if you could keep track of that for a couple of months, then show it to him, he might see things differently.

His boat, tackle, going fishing, eating out instead of cooking suppers (because I'm at work 2pm-10pm), etc. He just hates being at home, so he'd rather go places, usually stores to look at stuff, which is an hour's drive to anywhere here. So that requires more gas, meals, & him wanting to buy stuff. If I say no, that we should just stay home, or we can't afford it, he gets all huffy & calls me lazy, or other not so nice things. Then that leads to him ignoring me for the next couple days.

I just don't get it. I don't know what to do.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

His boat, tackle, going fishing, eating out instead of cooking suppers (because I'm at work 2pm-10pm), etc. He just hates being at home, so he'd rather go places, usually stores to look at stuff, which is an hour's drive to anywhere here. So that requires more gas, meals, & him wanting to buy stuff. If I say no, that we should just stay home, or we can't afford it, he gets all huffy & calls me lazy, or other not so nice things. Then that leads to him ignoring me for the next couple days.

I just don't get it. I don't know what to do.

Mama, I dont think your core problem is in your finances.

SO MANY