I still think we're screwed - Page 2

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

I read Dave Ramsey is Christian-based - is that true? We're not into religion at all, so don't want anything preachy.

Dave Ramsey's ideas are not unique to him. Suze Orman, for many, many years has been giving the same kind of advice (and that advice didn't originate with either of these two, anyway). She's also a huge advocate for women taking charge of their finances to protect themselves and their futures. She is very empowering but also "in-your-face". That's kind of off-putting for some, but I like her "tougher-than-nails" attitude, personally. I'd suggest reading some of her books. If you want a step-by-step plan, she has a book called Nine steps to Financial Freedom or something like that. Another great book by her is Women and Money. My bet would be that your local library has both of these bestsellers.

Good luck!

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

Mama, I dont think your core problem is in your finances.

SO MANY

I couldn't agree more. OP - seriously, Suze Orman's Women and Moneywould be a good read for you.

[choli]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

It was on the market for over a year, with 1 person coming to look at it. I don't know what it would cost to rent, or if we even could. We have 6 kids, DH, & myself. Not a whole lot of rentals that we could fit into.

6 kids! Wow, how do you manage childcare between your job and your DH's three jobs?

[Teenytoona]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

Mama, I dont think your core problem is in your finances.

SO MANY

OP, I've seen your posts here and there, and I strongly agree with Barbie.

[Monarchgrrl]

Obviously there are much bigger issues than the money, but I'm confused. How does he spend 3x the salary if there are no credit cards? Is he getting loans? Since he already treats you poorly and doesn't respect you, this is what I would do, whether he didn't talk to you for a month or not:

Take away the money. When money is deposited from paychecks (hopefully it's already being direct deposited) take it all (or almost all) out in cash. Already have your budget prepared and then allot x amount to give him for spending money. Give yourself some too. Everything else (bills) gets paid ASAP and you hold on to (or hide!) the cash for groceries. Give him a certain amount for gas. Once it's gone, it's gone. No more driving an hour to window shop. That way all that is left is his spending money that you gave him and that's all he gets. He gets to spend it on anything he wants. No judgments. And since there is (almost) nothing left in the account then he can't take out more to spend. Would that work? It sounds like this is a serious situation and needs a drastic solution. Since he won't agree or budge...make him!

And get Women and Money by Suze Orman. You need to start being in the position to save for yourself and be in control of your money.

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by choli

6 kids! Wow, how do you manage childcare between your job and your DH's three jobs?

We work at the same company; DH 1st shift & 2nd shift for me. We exchange the kids in the parking lot. He's also an EMT, and assistant chief of the local ambulance association, so he does that after his 1st job; there's no set hours for it - he just has certain duties to get done each month for a set rate of pay + so much per run he goes on. He also works every other weekend at a different ambulance service for an hourly rate.

Originally Posted by Monarchgrrl

Obviously there are much bigger issues than the money, but I'm confused. How does he spend 3x the salary if there are no credit cards? Is he getting loans? Since he already treats you poorly and doesn't respect you, this is what I would do, whether he didn't talk to you for a month or not:

Take away the money. When money is deposited from paychecks (hopefully it's already being direct deposited) take it all (or almost all) out in cash. Already have your budget prepared and then allot x amount to give him for spending money. Give yourself some too. Everything else (bills) gets paid ASAP and you hold on to (or hide!) the cash for groceries. Give him a certain amount for gas. Once it's gone, it's gone. No more driving an hour to window shop. That way all that is left is his spending money that you gave him and that's all he gets. He gets to spend it on anything he wants. No judgments. And since there is (almost) nothing left in the account then he can't take out more to spend. Would that work? It sounds like this is a serious situation and needs a drastic solution. Since he won't agree or budge...make him!

And get Women and Money by Suze Orman. You need to start being in the position to save for yourself and be in control of your money.

I was exagerating the 3x amount, but it sure seems like it's that much to me. Yes, it's loans. We have 4 loans out right now for different things. He also tries to come up with ideas for selling this to buy that, then we can pay this other thing off - and it drives me nuts. He's never happy with anything; he's talking about getting a different truck because his doesn't have enough power to pull his boat properly or something.

I will look for that book too, and open an account in just my name as well. I get my check every week, and can put as much as I want to in it, since he never sees my check anyway.

Another thing that drives me nuts is he constantly asks if it's OK to put gas in his truck, or pick up pizzas or something, and if I say no, he gets all huffy. He is such a child sometimes, and needs to finally grow up!

[GuildJenn]

It does sound like a larger issue.

But - here's what I would try. Every week, write out what each of you have spent vs. how much you made, and give him a copy. If it's negative, literally put the the number in red. Don't comment or get into it. Just give him the information.

Once a month, give him a consolidated report (all the weeks together,) plus your outstanding debts and amounts, how much each has cost in interest, and what the projected payoff date is.

There are templates on Google Docs for all this stuff. It is a lot of work and of course you will have estimate some things or will miss things you don't know that he spent. But IMO he needs the information, without all the emotion.

[fierrbugg]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

Yes, the job would include benefits. And I wouldn't have to "step up" if DH would cut down on buying crap. He doesn't appreciate that I go to work, he still complains I don't get enough done around the house. I'm just feeling used.

Sounds to me like he wants it both ways and he can't have it. Either you work until 11 or 12 @ night and are exhausted, or he starts being a responsible adult when it comes to his spending so you can stop working so much. Maybe if you're not so exhausted he can get that more efficient house he's complaining about. Which one does he really want? I mean there are plenty of ways you can cut down on general household expenses - like coupons for groceries and shopping at thrift stores, but if he is just going to spend the savings on his toys and eating out, then what's the point? Yes, he works hard and should be allowed to have his spending money, but not to the detriment of his family. You just sound so beaten down and at odds w/ each other, when you should be working together.

PP's have mentioned Dave Ramsey, and for starters you can check out old episodes of his show on Hulu. And you can find general budgeting forms on his site here.

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

Another thing that drives me nuts is he constantly asks if it's OK to put gas in his truck, or pick up pizzas or something, and if I say no, he gets all huffy. He is such a child sometimes, and needs to finally grow up!

My dh did this for many years. I had all but given up and somehow he came to me w/ the Total Money Makeover. Would setting up a 'spending' account in his name w/o overdraft protection work? That way he's responsible for his own expenses, but can't drag the other accounts down with him? And if there's no $ in it for gas or his latest coveted toy, he has no one to blame but himself.

[karkli]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

I read Dave Ramsey is Christian-based - is that true? We're not into religion at all, so don't want anything preachy.

I am atheist and LOVE Dave Ramsey. Yes, his financial advice is rooted in his religion, his experiences, and his Bible study, but if you set that aside, he also has some really essential advice for families struggling with finances.

And, although other financial talking heads offer similar money advice, Dave Ramsey's plan is particularly useful for those struggling not just to get ahead but to change their habits and learn to follow a written budget because he emphasizes behavior change rather than just spending/saving changes.

If you're interested, you can listen to his 3-hour radio program online on his website for free. You can also watch his one-hour TV program on Hulu.com, free. There is a really useful forum that emphasizes his financial plan, too. I'm not sure if it is against the UA to post links here?

In any case, if you can't get your hands on a copy of his book, all of his information is available for free online if you know where to look. Gathering information and advice, then tailoring it to suit the needs of your family is one great way to start changing your financial picture. Although, it sounds like your family is facing other challenges, as well. It sounds like you and your DH might have some communication difficulties? I wish you the best.

[root*children]

am i the only one who's going to say it? you guys need to go to marriage counseling!! Finances are like a symptom - it is NOT the root problem here. Get that good marriage back on track and you can deal with finances even in counseling. There are sliding scale counselors.

[milkybean]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

I read Dave Ramsey is Christian-based - is that true? We're not into religion at all, so don't want anything preachy.

Not preachy at all. I'm sensitive, so some of it made me grate my teeth, but that's just me. And his advice is terrific. Has really helped us! Our fights were always, at the core, about money. Even if we didn't know it. DH wanted to be a baby about spending, and had tantrums when I wouldn't "let" him (making me out to be the mean mom, and I'll tell you, being put in a "mom" role to one's husband does NOT make a fun marriage!), etc etc etc...and finally we were on our way to the bottom when I mentioned it just one more time, and our worlds changed.

Originally Posted by velochic

Dave Ramsey's ideas are not unique to him. Suze Orman, for many, many years has been giving the same kind of advice (and that advice didn't originate with either of these two, anyway). She's also a huge advocate for women taking charge of their finances to protect themselves and their futures. She is very empowering but also "in-your-face".

Suze is great...but from what I've noticed, her "how to do this right now" stuff is pretty much opposite of Dave...and Dave has worked for us, while Suze's stuff has always made me think "that'll be great once we have a lot of money".

Originally Posted by Mama~Love

... if I say no, he gets all huffy. He is such a child sometimes, and needs to finally grow up!

That and wanting more more more...very childish, IMO. Did he have a poor childhood? Or did he just FEEL poor? That stuff was in my husband's background, even though they were only in a money crunch when DH was too young to know about it (and then at the end of FIL's life, because he'd spent far more money than they had for decades). It really messes with his head. Thankfully he finally wised up, feels more grownup, acts more grownup, etc etc. It's nice that he doesn't see that I am telling him "no", but rather that the bank account and our goals are telling him "no".

I wish you tons of luck.

Originally Posted by karkli

And, although other financial talking heads offer similar money advice, Dave Ramsey's plan is particularly useful for those struggling not just to get ahead but to change their habits and learn to follow a written budget because he emphasizes behavior change rather than just spending/saving changes.

There is a really useful forum that emphasizes his financial plan, too. I'm not sure if it is against the UA to post links here?

In any case, if you can't get your hands on a copy of his book, all of his information is available for free online if you know where to look.

I agree.

I'll do it... llnoe dot com is a great message board. stands for living like no one else (dot com, of course). FWIW there is quite a bit of religion on that site...but I can ignore it (and if I can ignore it, most people can!) b/c the info is good.

And even daveramsey dot com has great FREE info. You just have to have some free time to look around and click and read!

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by root*children

am i the only one who's going to say it? you guys need to go to marriage counseling!! Finances are like a symptom - it is NOT the root problem here. Get that good marriage back on track and you can deal with finances even in counseling. There are sliding scale counselors.

Yes, we both know we need it, and he hated the last one we saw (I picked), so I said he can find the next one. Hasn't done anything about it.

Originally Posted by Mama~Love View Post
... if I say no, he gets all huffy. He is such a child sometimes, and needs to finally grow up!

That and wanting more more more...very childish, IMO. Did he have a poor childhood? Or did he just FEEL poor? That stuff was in my husband's background, even though they were only in a money crunch when DH was too young to know about it (and then at the end of FIL's life, because he'd spent far more money than they had for decades). It really messes with his head. Thankfully he finally wised up, feels more grownup, acts more grownup, etc etc. It's nice that he doesn't see that I am telling him "no", but rather that the bank account and our goals are telling him "no".

I wish you tons of luck.

Yeah they were on the poor side growing up. Hope my DH can grow up too.

Originally Posted by karkli View Post

And, although other financial talking heads offer similar money advice, Dave Ramsey's plan is particularly useful for those struggling not just to get ahead but to change their habits and learn to follow a written budget because he emphasizes behavior change rather than just spending/saving changes.

There is a really useful forum that emphasizes his financial plan, too. I'm not sure if it is against the UA to post links here?

In any case, if you can't get your hands on a copy of his book, all of his information is available for free online if you know where to look.

I agree.

I'll do it... llnoe dot com is a great message board. stands for living like no one else (dot com, of course). FWIW there is quite a bit of religion on that site...but I can ignore it (and if I can ignore it, most people can!) b/c the info is good.

And even daveramsey dot com has great FREE info. You just have to have some free time to look around and click and read!

I can ignore a good amount of religion as well. I'll take a look at those sites & see if there's any good stuff to print off for DH.

We didn't get around to the budget this weekend, had some things come up. We did sell our 2 horses though; they are coming this week sometime to pay & get them.