Help give me some perspective

[minkymama]

Hi all, I'm hoping you can give me some perspective on the last 2 1/2 years of my life. Since DD was born in Oct 07, my life has changed beyond all recognition, and I'm trying to get a good sense of how well/how badly I'm doing.

DD was born at home (yay), but I had to transfer to hospital 15 minutes after as once the placenta was born I had a huge PPH. I spent the next 5 hours having various treatments in hospital before they decided to do a manual evacuation in case there was retained placenta (there was). The surgery was done under a local (my choice) and was the only bit of the whole experience that upset me - I felt that I went into shock (v.cold, couldn't speak), and that took a while to get over. I had 4 units of blood, and constant visitors - mostly DHs family. His mom picked a fight with me the day after DD was born, over me wanting to rest vs her wanting to 'bond' with DD. This set a pattern that continues to this day.

When DD was 5 weeks old, DH went overseas for a family wedding. He was only gone 4 days but in this space of time my dad died, really suddenly. He was in hospital for a couple of days and then he was gone. I had no-one who could really help me with DD, and while I visited him as much as I could my time was very restricted by the needs of my newborn. I am semi-resolved about this as I think if I had been able to concentrate fully on him, I would have held him back from his journey when he needed to go. Before DD was born my dad was the CENTRE of my life. I won't even try and put the grieving into words - those of you who've been there know what it's like.

This happened 3 weeks before Christmas, and things took a bad turn for me with DH and his family. I wanted to skip Christmas and they had hysterics - I let myself be bullied into going, something I still regret/resent. Again, anyone who has been through loss will be able to testify that sometimes the people you look to support you will act really strangely/hurtfully and not give that support. I don't think they were acting out of meaness - I think they didn't know how to act and were behaving strangely as a result - but I resent it to this day. For the next 6 months, I felt that I was constantly put in situations where I couldn't do what DH and his family wanted because it cut across my need to grieve/parent DD the way she needed (routine, gentle pace). I felt I wasn't given the space I needed and that my behaviour was always interpreted in the worst way - ie I was being cold, or being a bitch.

That, plus my grieving and the strain of being new parents was really hard on DH and I marriage-wise. On top of this we also bought our first house, both got new jobs, and I returned to part-time work (to my new job) after 6 months parental leave. I love my job but it is high stress and it added another area where I felt like I was failing - the only area I felt like I did well was as DD's mom.

So fast forward to now. I don't like to think of the first year of DD's life, it makes me feel physically ill. I went from being a person who saw their family and friends lots, and was pretty outgoing, to being mean, angry, withdrawn, and only able to cope with the basics of life. For all of '08 and most of '09, the thought of doing anything besides our daily routine gave me fits of stress.

It feels like things have got a lot better. I'm more relaxed about our routine, and can even do some 'extras' for other people - like baking, or making a special card. This used to be easy for me but has become so hard. For 6 months or so after my dad died, even posting a letter or paying a bill required huge mental energy - that's got a lot better. DH and I are a lot happier. We lost a baby at 9 weeks in Nov last year, but we were ok - it didn't send us back to square 1 like I feared. We're now expecting a baby in Sept, and I hope we will cope ok.

My performance at work is average (I used to be a star), but I think I'm ok there. I don't care about my career like I did before DD.

My relationship with DH's family is ok, not as bad as it was. It's the area I feel most badly about - I got pretty mean with them for a while. Without justifying my meaness, I reacted the way I did because I was angry, and trying to protect myself. They're still banned from overnight stays with us - when they visit there's 5 people to house (they have extended family living with them, some with high needs), and don't respect house rules (quiet at night, clean up after yourself, respect that DH and I are the parents of DD). I know this pains DH but my house is my sanctuary - having them here for extended time is almost unbearable for me.

Sorry for the novel. Any thoughts on the journey and how I've handled it? Anyone been through anything similar?

[MariaMadly]

Originally Posted by minkymama

Any thoughts on the journey and how I've handled it? Anyone been through anything similar?

(This turned out way longer than I planned, but your post really spoke to me. Hope some of it helps.)

My first thought is that you've been through all that and are still working to stay connected with your DH and ILs, you're holding down a job, you're a loving mom, and you're perceptive enough to the see the progress you're making (those "extras" you mentioned). Short answer? You're doing a fantastic job!

As for having been through something similar, nobody can have been, but here's my version: DH and I are in our mid-40's now. In the early 1990's we went through his deployment to the Gulf War, moving hundreds of miles, a career change which included a period of unemployment and school for DH, my miscarriage, living with my parents, my father's serious illness, and the birth of our second child. We had another very hard stretch a few years ago when we went through a traumatic job change for DH, home construction and moving, my father's death, and my own struggle with abusing alcohol.

Now listen to me: any ONE of the blows you've experienced bring a long journey of heartache. A lot of information I've found about grief gives a range of six month to two years or more as a "normal" time frame to process a loss. A single loss. Then they add the phrase "or more."

You sound as though you're handling all this with wisdom and introspection . . . make sure you use those gifts in your behalf. Be kind to yourself. Take very good care of yourself physically and emotionally. Speak of your own actions / responses / decisions / progress as though you were speaking to your daughter.

You're doing the right things. That's sometimes the hardest part of pulling through a bad spell . . . you try to do everything you're "supposed" to do, and in the end, so much of it is left to that bast**d, Time.

[minkymama]

Thankyou Maria, what a beautiful reply! I feel like I just got a hug

[swd12422]

I felt like you did the first year of DS's life too. And I didn't go through half what you did. I admire your strength, and the fact that you recognize and are concerned about the change you felt in yourself is definitely a good thing. Healing is a long process, and you went through a LOT. Go easy on yourself.

[Galatea]

I think you're doing great! That is a TON of bad things to grieve and process and you can only do it on your own schedule.

I would focus on forgiving yourself first - for everything - for how you reacted to dad's death, how you reacted to in-laws, for letting yourself be bullied into going to that first xmas, etc. Really forgive yourself - know and understand that you did the best you could and that is all anyone can do - and then forgiving your in-laws will flow.

And FWIW, I NEVER have houseguests b/c it makes me CRAZY. Esp. not 5 in-laws with special needs and who are loud. So don't feel bad about that!!!!!