I didn't post Reuben's birth story before because it's very long (although 2 days in labour entitles me to a long story!) and some scary stuff happened near the end which isn't good for expectant mama's to think about. So, now that May is over I thought I'd share.
Warning: There is some scary stuff and hypno babies did not work AT ALL despite my very dedicated home study and practice. So don't feel you have to read
Also, I use Donnie and Daddy interchangeably - that's my husband. Mema is my Mom.
At 39 weeks pregnant my midwife said that she bet baby would be here within 1 week. Baby was low and I Was showing all the signs of getting close. I was also wearing out. I’d had an easy pregnancy and this feeling of exhaustion and body ache was new. On Friday, April 23rd, Donnie’s birthday I was beyond tired. Short trips to run errands were painful and exhausting and the idea of baking a cake was daunting. I did manage to run to the grocery store for a store bought cake - first time in my life. Donnie got no birthday gift. I guess I’ll have to do extra next year. On the weekend I was feeling much better. My Mom thought it was the calm before the storm. She also thought I looked flushes and was expecting the baby early in the week.
Monday, April 26, 2010
I woke up feeling pretty good and starving. We ran errands and were home by 11am. I had some bloody show when I went to the bathroom. I laid down for a nap about 11:30 and was woken at 12 noon by a contraction. I rested a lot throughout the afternoon and charged the phones, cameras and my iPod and just hung out. The contractions were irratic and not difficult to get through. Mema and Grampie stopped by with some groceries for us and we had chili for supper before they headed home. Mema predicted she’d be back sometimes before morning.
I checked my cervix after having a bath around 6pm and it was high but soft. I had a couple of contractions while watching TV but not much after the bath. I think I only had 6 ”big” contractions from noon til 6pm that I had to concentrate or breathe through. I went to bed at 9:40 and listened to my hypno scripts. A much stronger contraction woke me at 11:10pm. After that I dozed and was woken by pains around 11:30, then times strong pains at 11:46, 11:57, 12:06, 12:18 and slept between them.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I got up and started paying more attention at midnight and the 12:06 and 12:18 were milder after moving around. I had another mild on at 12:23. Until 2am, the contractions ranged from 4-7 minutes apart but were only lasting about 1 minute. Donnie woke up and I brought him up to speed and we called Kelly, the midwife on call. She suggested I stop timing until the contractions seemed harder to manage. Ideally I’d lat til daylight and then we’d head in to Jocelyn’s house for the birth.
Around 4 or 430am Donnie realized the contractions were occasionally only 2 or 3 minutes apart and I couldn’t move around or talk much during them. He thought we should wake Jocelyn and head in. I called Mema and she was already awake since my 2am update waiting for the next call. She let Jocelyn know and we started to pack the last minute stuff and head in. The contractions in the car were the worst so far.
After we got settled in and I was in Jocelyn’s bed resting, Daddy called Kelly to give her an update. She suggested I get in the tub and relax a bit and try to ease some of my back pain that was getting worse each contraction and seemed to be causing me so much trouble. The tub was only OK and I quickly headed back to bed. The only thing that seemed to be helping was getting up on my hands and knees and waiting and rocking through each contraction. Kelly said that was a good approach and she’d be by around 8am.
At 8am, Kelly visited for an hour. She checked my cervix. I was 90% effaced and about 1 cm dilated. Things were starting. Kelly said she’d continue with her scheduled appointments and be back around 11am. She also told us that there was no backup midwife so we’d eventually have to transfer for the birth.
Around 11am the back pain was incredible and I was not getting relief from that part of the pain between contractions. We called Kelly who was about to come visit again and told her we were coming in rather than have her come back out. We agreed to meet around noon at the hospital and discuss some low intervention pain control methods for the back pain. Kelly thought baby would be here by 6pm and we needed to transfer at some point anyway. Mema thought if I chose an epidural and was able to relax baby would come by 2pm as so far my labour was exactly the same as all 3 of her’s. She waited for the epidural the first time and did it sooner the second and third and it sped things up for her. Once she relaxed babies were able to move down and turn so she could give birth.
Once we decided to transfer I have trouble keeping events in order. I had to refer to the birth record and Donnie and Mema’s memory to write this. We were considering options for pain control including sterile water injections, narcotics and epidural all of which could only be administered at the hospital or clinic. I remember parts of the drive and 7 or 8 distinct contractions that seemed unbearable. I’m not sure of the frequency but I know they were way worse in the car than at Jocelyn’s.
Once we checked in and I got through a contraction at the admitting desk, Mema and Donnie wheeled me up to the early labour assessment unit. Isaac and Grampie came in a separate car and went to McDonald’s along the way and then joined up with us once we were put in a room in the birth unit. The rooms were big with lots of space for people hang out with me plus there was a family waiting room outside the birth room. I never saw the outside of the hallway again that I remember!
I remember getting into the bedand waiting for Kelly. Then I think she checked my cervix soon after she arrived. It was 3 cm dilated. Progress was being made but very slowly. The baby’s posterior position was preventing baby’s head from applying the proper pressure and my cervix had to do it alone - slowly. There would be no baby by 2pm as Mema hoped. Kelly stretched my cervix a bit that time too and administered 4 sterile water injections in my back to try to block the pain. They actually worked and for a short time I got to concentrate on the actual labour pains. I’d barely felt them up til that point and they were so different. Painful but they felt like work. Hard productive work. I think if I hadn’t been in pain so long, the belly contractions would have been something I could have worked with. As it was, no hypno script, breathing exercises or other was able to get on top of the non-stop back pain when it returned.
Since Kelly was the only midwife on, she left me in the capable hands of Mema and the nurses. I had two nurses to myself and they were wonderful. They never left the room except for their breaks and when their shift ended. I mainly remember one nurse, Allie. She grew up next door to my Grammie. She’s only been nursing for a short time but she was great.
We filled the tub and I got in at some point. I don’t know the time but I was told I Was in the tub for over 6 hours total. I also remember getting out at some point and the nurses re-filling the tub while I got checked. I was about 5 cm dilated.
At some point in the evening, maybe after 7pm because I think Allie was gone home, I decided to try a small dose of morphine. I did it by injection and was still staying in the tub and not hooked up to any monitors or IVs. The bath was helping with the labour pains while the sterile water injections worked but now they were worn off. It made me less concerned with the pain and able to hang out in the tub and wait. I spent my time staying warm under the water and getting into position when a contraction came and drinking my electrolytes. No one could believe I’d been in the water so long and still had perfect skin. No pruning at all!
Most of the time I had no idea who was around. I remember Mema sitting by the tub sometimes and Donnie in and out of the bathroom room. Isaac came in to tell me what he had for lunch and that he and Grampie were going to Ben’s for supper and a visit. All throughout the nurses were offering me support or solitude as I needed it. At some point Grampie and Isaac headed home. I think around 8pm.
Around 10pm we determined that no progress had been made since late afternoon so Kelly brought in the OB on call for a consult - Dr. Darien Rattray. HE was very nice and very supportive of my original wishes and continuing hopes for a vaginal birth. He and Kelly together suggested that given the slow progress in almost 36 hours and intense pain for 20 or 24 hours, that I wouldn’t want to keep going indefinitely. One suggestion that made some sense to me was starting pitocin to see if we could bring the baby’s head down and force baby to turn and finally push on my cervix to dilate for the birth. That made sense to me, Donnie and Mema at this point.
Around that same time, Kelly suggested Donnie go home. Unbeknownst to me he had been sick like he often gets when stressed and tired. He hadn’t kept any food down in a long time and so he headed out to the house to meet up with Grampie and Isaac and Grampie planned to return. Mema stayed with me.
Kelly suggested that at my level and duration of pain I wouldn’t be tolerant of the additional pain without an epidural. Before midnight I decided to accept the epidural and pitocin together which put me back in bed although I could move about when needed. The Dr who put my epidural in wasn’t very nice but I remember vaguely it did give me some relief like I hadn’t felt in a day.
The plan was to administer the epi and pitocin for 4 hours and then re-evaluate. Because of the epidural I was also now being monitored for intermittent periods. We’re not which sure drug caused it but shortly after that, the baby’s heart rate dropped. The nurses got me to get up on my hands and knees, each side, etc to see if my position would help get the baby moving and it did. I wasn’t totally aware but the nurses and Kelly were freaked out by how low the heart rate went and paged Dr. Rattray back to see me.
Dr. Rattray did and internal and confirmed what Kelly had said, no progress was being made. The drugs hadn’t done anything yet and they suggested I call Donnie to come back and talk about the options. He’d only been asleep for 45 minutes when I called him.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010.
The day started with more heart decels and lots of positional changes by me to keep baby moving and beating and with Donnie rushing back to the city to see me.
By 1pm we had five more decels and Donnie hadn’t yet arrived. The Drs felt that we needed to do a c-section since baby wasn’t about to pop out now and the decels were getting dangerous and less responsive to my moving around. At least Donnie and Mema had discussed the idea before he left and his thoughts were to do whatever we needed to help me and baby be safe. So we began to prepare for the section with a plan to hold off on the actual procedure til Donnie arrived.
Since my changing positions was no longer keeping the heart rate up, Kelly put an internal monitor on baby’s scalp to be sure. Kelly was also able to keep baby stimulated internally but tweaking the head and causing some activity and heart rate rise.
The situation was worsening and Kelly’s actions were less and less effective so we were about to head into the OR when Donnie raced in. This was when I found out he had been sick to his stomach from the stress and exhaustion. That meant he wouldn’t be coming in to the OR with me and explained why Mema was dressed and ready. Because of the circumstances they were willing to break protocol and let Mema in the OR and the let Donnie suit up and join me in recovery. Usually you only get one person from start to finish.
In the OR Mema was not feeling like herself. She was worried and so tired and I though maybe she should wait outside so I wasn’t worrying about her. We later found out she had silent pneumonia! Kelly stayed with me and refused to scrub in for the surgery itself. She said she prefers to be unscrubbed so that the Drs can’t ask her for help and she’s fully behind the curtain with her client and available to the baby when it’s born.
We waited in the OR for the surgeon and the baby kept having decels. We inquired about the surgeon’s absence since I was totally prepped and baby needed out soon. Apparently a woman next door needed and emergence c section when her baby’s heart stopped completely so she went first.
In the meantime, our baby’s heart rate went down and possibly stopped and they weren’t able to get it up above 40 beats per minute which is critical. One nurse reached over and turned off the monitors as there was nothing to be gained by knowing how critical it was at that point. The nurses told the surgeon next door and he got that baby out, raced across the prep room, pulled on extra gloves over top his dirty ones and got my baby out. It was extremely stressful and I think contributed to the shock I experienced after the birth.
As soon as the baby was out I could see by the look on Kelly’s face that something wasn’t right. I paniced a bit and asked her what was up. She assured me that my baby was healthy and safe but that SHE was a BOY! I was beyond surprised! He didn’t cry which also concerned me but they said he was just pouting and looking around.
Kelly went to tell Donnie the surprise news. Mema guessed right away and Kelly thought Donnie seemed pleasantly surprised and relieved baby and I were OK. Grampie was just plain relieved it was over.
As they were stitching me up I learned that not only was baby a boy but that he had come into this world at 2:33am, weighed only 7lbs, 3oz and was 54 cm long with a tiny head. So tall and skinny! Kelly commented that a posterior baby is one of the only times you wish for a heavy big headed baby to bear down and make it’s way out.
The student nurse that had been taking photos with my camera held you for me and I looked at you but my arms weren’t working great. After that me, baby, Mema and Kelly and my nurses went to the recovery room. Kelly helped me get some colostrum into baby since he was now almost an hour old. Baby latched perfectly the first time and when he slipped off after a few sucks he self latched again before either Kelly or I had a chance to help him get back on the breast!
Mema and Daddy then switched places and Mema and Grampie went home to get some sleep. I was so thirsty and only allowed ice chips which I ate as fast as the nurse would let me. I was shivering too but that was shock related rather than the cold. My vitals were a bit off and so Donnie held the baby while the nurses looked after me. My blood pressure was very low and they kept making me take deep breaths with the oxygen mask. After that we were just waiting for me to be stable and getting to know our boy.
Around 5am we were taken to a room on the 5th floor for our hospital stay. Daddy and I tried to sleep and baby slept and nursed. We talked about a name and the funny thing was that while we could never agree on a girl name we always knew what we would have chosen if baby had been a boy. We called him Reuben and decided to talk about a middle name later.
Poppa, Grammy, Isaac, Mema and Grampie arrived to see Reuben in the morning and learn his name. Isaac reminded us that he always said the baby was a boy. After the visit from big brother and the grandparents, Daddy went home too and Reuben and I relaxed.
Warning: There is some scary stuff and hypno babies did not work AT ALL despite my very dedicated home study and practice. So don't feel you have to read
Also, I use Donnie and Daddy interchangeably - that's my husband. Mema is my Mom.
At 39 weeks pregnant my midwife said that she bet baby would be here within 1 week. Baby was low and I Was showing all the signs of getting close. I was also wearing out. I’d had an easy pregnancy and this feeling of exhaustion and body ache was new. On Friday, April 23rd, Donnie’s birthday I was beyond tired. Short trips to run errands were painful and exhausting and the idea of baking a cake was daunting. I did manage to run to the grocery store for a store bought cake - first time in my life. Donnie got no birthday gift. I guess I’ll have to do extra next year. On the weekend I was feeling much better. My Mom thought it was the calm before the storm. She also thought I looked flushes and was expecting the baby early in the week.
Monday, April 26, 2010
I woke up feeling pretty good and starving. We ran errands and were home by 11am. I had some bloody show when I went to the bathroom. I laid down for a nap about 11:30 and was woken at 12 noon by a contraction. I rested a lot throughout the afternoon and charged the phones, cameras and my iPod and just hung out. The contractions were irratic and not difficult to get through. Mema and Grampie stopped by with some groceries for us and we had chili for supper before they headed home. Mema predicted she’d be back sometimes before morning.
I checked my cervix after having a bath around 6pm and it was high but soft. I had a couple of contractions while watching TV but not much after the bath. I think I only had 6 ”big” contractions from noon til 6pm that I had to concentrate or breathe through. I went to bed at 9:40 and listened to my hypno scripts. A much stronger contraction woke me at 11:10pm. After that I dozed and was woken by pains around 11:30, then times strong pains at 11:46, 11:57, 12:06, 12:18 and slept between them.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I got up and started paying more attention at midnight and the 12:06 and 12:18 were milder after moving around. I had another mild on at 12:23. Until 2am, the contractions ranged from 4-7 minutes apart but were only lasting about 1 minute. Donnie woke up and I brought him up to speed and we called Kelly, the midwife on call. She suggested I stop timing until the contractions seemed harder to manage. Ideally I’d lat til daylight and then we’d head in to Jocelyn’s house for the birth.
Around 4 or 430am Donnie realized the contractions were occasionally only 2 or 3 minutes apart and I couldn’t move around or talk much during them. He thought we should wake Jocelyn and head in. I called Mema and she was already awake since my 2am update waiting for the next call. She let Jocelyn know and we started to pack the last minute stuff and head in. The contractions in the car were the worst so far.
After we got settled in and I was in Jocelyn’s bed resting, Daddy called Kelly to give her an update. She suggested I get in the tub and relax a bit and try to ease some of my back pain that was getting worse each contraction and seemed to be causing me so much trouble. The tub was only OK and I quickly headed back to bed. The only thing that seemed to be helping was getting up on my hands and knees and waiting and rocking through each contraction. Kelly said that was a good approach and she’d be by around 8am.
At 8am, Kelly visited for an hour. She checked my cervix. I was 90% effaced and about 1 cm dilated. Things were starting. Kelly said she’d continue with her scheduled appointments and be back around 11am. She also told us that there was no backup midwife so we’d eventually have to transfer for the birth.
Around 11am the back pain was incredible and I was not getting relief from that part of the pain between contractions. We called Kelly who was about to come visit again and told her we were coming in rather than have her come back out. We agreed to meet around noon at the hospital and discuss some low intervention pain control methods for the back pain. Kelly thought baby would be here by 6pm and we needed to transfer at some point anyway. Mema thought if I chose an epidural and was able to relax baby would come by 2pm as so far my labour was exactly the same as all 3 of her’s. She waited for the epidural the first time and did it sooner the second and third and it sped things up for her. Once she relaxed babies were able to move down and turn so she could give birth.
Once we decided to transfer I have trouble keeping events in order. I had to refer to the birth record and Donnie and Mema’s memory to write this. We were considering options for pain control including sterile water injections, narcotics and epidural all of which could only be administered at the hospital or clinic. I remember parts of the drive and 7 or 8 distinct contractions that seemed unbearable. I’m not sure of the frequency but I know they were way worse in the car than at Jocelyn’s.
Once we checked in and I got through a contraction at the admitting desk, Mema and Donnie wheeled me up to the early labour assessment unit. Isaac and Grampie came in a separate car and went to McDonald’s along the way and then joined up with us once we were put in a room in the birth unit. The rooms were big with lots of space for people hang out with me plus there was a family waiting room outside the birth room. I never saw the outside of the hallway again that I remember!
I remember getting into the bedand waiting for Kelly. Then I think she checked my cervix soon after she arrived. It was 3 cm dilated. Progress was being made but very slowly. The baby’s posterior position was preventing baby’s head from applying the proper pressure and my cervix had to do it alone - slowly. There would be no baby by 2pm as Mema hoped. Kelly stretched my cervix a bit that time too and administered 4 sterile water injections in my back to try to block the pain. They actually worked and for a short time I got to concentrate on the actual labour pains. I’d barely felt them up til that point and they were so different. Painful but they felt like work. Hard productive work. I think if I hadn’t been in pain so long, the belly contractions would have been something I could have worked with. As it was, no hypno script, breathing exercises or other was able to get on top of the non-stop back pain when it returned.
Since Kelly was the only midwife on, she left me in the capable hands of Mema and the nurses. I had two nurses to myself and they were wonderful. They never left the room except for their breaks and when their shift ended. I mainly remember one nurse, Allie. She grew up next door to my Grammie. She’s only been nursing for a short time but she was great.
We filled the tub and I got in at some point. I don’t know the time but I was told I Was in the tub for over 6 hours total. I also remember getting out at some point and the nurses re-filling the tub while I got checked. I was about 5 cm dilated.
At some point in the evening, maybe after 7pm because I think Allie was gone home, I decided to try a small dose of morphine. I did it by injection and was still staying in the tub and not hooked up to any monitors or IVs. The bath was helping with the labour pains while the sterile water injections worked but now they were worn off. It made me less concerned with the pain and able to hang out in the tub and wait. I spent my time staying warm under the water and getting into position when a contraction came and drinking my electrolytes. No one could believe I’d been in the water so long and still had perfect skin. No pruning at all!
Most of the time I had no idea who was around. I remember Mema sitting by the tub sometimes and Donnie in and out of the bathroom room. Isaac came in to tell me what he had for lunch and that he and Grampie were going to Ben’s for supper and a visit. All throughout the nurses were offering me support or solitude as I needed it. At some point Grampie and Isaac headed home. I think around 8pm.
Around 10pm we determined that no progress had been made since late afternoon so Kelly brought in the OB on call for a consult - Dr. Darien Rattray. HE was very nice and very supportive of my original wishes and continuing hopes for a vaginal birth. He and Kelly together suggested that given the slow progress in almost 36 hours and intense pain for 20 or 24 hours, that I wouldn’t want to keep going indefinitely. One suggestion that made some sense to me was starting pitocin to see if we could bring the baby’s head down and force baby to turn and finally push on my cervix to dilate for the birth. That made sense to me, Donnie and Mema at this point.
Around that same time, Kelly suggested Donnie go home. Unbeknownst to me he had been sick like he often gets when stressed and tired. He hadn’t kept any food down in a long time and so he headed out to the house to meet up with Grampie and Isaac and Grampie planned to return. Mema stayed with me.
Kelly suggested that at my level and duration of pain I wouldn’t be tolerant of the additional pain without an epidural. Before midnight I decided to accept the epidural and pitocin together which put me back in bed although I could move about when needed. The Dr who put my epidural in wasn’t very nice but I remember vaguely it did give me some relief like I hadn’t felt in a day.
The plan was to administer the epi and pitocin for 4 hours and then re-evaluate. Because of the epidural I was also now being monitored for intermittent periods. We’re not which sure drug caused it but shortly after that, the baby’s heart rate dropped. The nurses got me to get up on my hands and knees, each side, etc to see if my position would help get the baby moving and it did. I wasn’t totally aware but the nurses and Kelly were freaked out by how low the heart rate went and paged Dr. Rattray back to see me.
Dr. Rattray did and internal and confirmed what Kelly had said, no progress was being made. The drugs hadn’t done anything yet and they suggested I call Donnie to come back and talk about the options. He’d only been asleep for 45 minutes when I called him.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010.
The day started with more heart decels and lots of positional changes by me to keep baby moving and beating and with Donnie rushing back to the city to see me.
By 1pm we had five more decels and Donnie hadn’t yet arrived. The Drs felt that we needed to do a c-section since baby wasn’t about to pop out now and the decels were getting dangerous and less responsive to my moving around. At least Donnie and Mema had discussed the idea before he left and his thoughts were to do whatever we needed to help me and baby be safe. So we began to prepare for the section with a plan to hold off on the actual procedure til Donnie arrived.
Since my changing positions was no longer keeping the heart rate up, Kelly put an internal monitor on baby’s scalp to be sure. Kelly was also able to keep baby stimulated internally but tweaking the head and causing some activity and heart rate rise.
The situation was worsening and Kelly’s actions were less and less effective so we were about to head into the OR when Donnie raced in. This was when I found out he had been sick to his stomach from the stress and exhaustion. That meant he wouldn’t be coming in to the OR with me and explained why Mema was dressed and ready. Because of the circumstances they were willing to break protocol and let Mema in the OR and the let Donnie suit up and join me in recovery. Usually you only get one person from start to finish.
In the OR Mema was not feeling like herself. She was worried and so tired and I though maybe she should wait outside so I wasn’t worrying about her. We later found out she had silent pneumonia! Kelly stayed with me and refused to scrub in for the surgery itself. She said she prefers to be unscrubbed so that the Drs can’t ask her for help and she’s fully behind the curtain with her client and available to the baby when it’s born.
We waited in the OR for the surgeon and the baby kept having decels. We inquired about the surgeon’s absence since I was totally prepped and baby needed out soon. Apparently a woman next door needed and emergence c section when her baby’s heart stopped completely so she went first.
In the meantime, our baby’s heart rate went down and possibly stopped and they weren’t able to get it up above 40 beats per minute which is critical. One nurse reached over and turned off the monitors as there was nothing to be gained by knowing how critical it was at that point. The nurses told the surgeon next door and he got that baby out, raced across the prep room, pulled on extra gloves over top his dirty ones and got my baby out. It was extremely stressful and I think contributed to the shock I experienced after the birth.
As soon as the baby was out I could see by the look on Kelly’s face that something wasn’t right. I paniced a bit and asked her what was up. She assured me that my baby was healthy and safe but that SHE was a BOY! I was beyond surprised! He didn’t cry which also concerned me but they said he was just pouting and looking around.
Kelly went to tell Donnie the surprise news. Mema guessed right away and Kelly thought Donnie seemed pleasantly surprised and relieved baby and I were OK. Grampie was just plain relieved it was over.
As they were stitching me up I learned that not only was baby a boy but that he had come into this world at 2:33am, weighed only 7lbs, 3oz and was 54 cm long with a tiny head. So tall and skinny! Kelly commented that a posterior baby is one of the only times you wish for a heavy big headed baby to bear down and make it’s way out.
The student nurse that had been taking photos with my camera held you for me and I looked at you but my arms weren’t working great. After that me, baby, Mema and Kelly and my nurses went to the recovery room. Kelly helped me get some colostrum into baby since he was now almost an hour old. Baby latched perfectly the first time and when he slipped off after a few sucks he self latched again before either Kelly or I had a chance to help him get back on the breast!
Mema and Daddy then switched places and Mema and Grampie went home to get some sleep. I was so thirsty and only allowed ice chips which I ate as fast as the nurse would let me. I was shivering too but that was shock related rather than the cold. My vitals were a bit off and so Donnie held the baby while the nurses looked after me. My blood pressure was very low and they kept making me take deep breaths with the oxygen mask. After that we were just waiting for me to be stable and getting to know our boy.
Around 5am we were taken to a room on the 5th floor for our hospital stay. Daddy and I tried to sleep and baby slept and nursed. We talked about a name and the funny thing was that while we could never agree on a girl name we always knew what we would have chosen if baby had been a boy. We called him Reuben and decided to talk about a middle name later.
Poppa, Grammy, Isaac, Mema and Grampie arrived to see Reuben in the morning and learn his name. Isaac reminded us that he always said the baby was a boy. After the visit from big brother and the grandparents, Daddy went home too and Reuben and I relaxed.
