Need your BTDT stories beginning daycare

[Gimme Pineapple]

I had my son in December, took this semester off to be with him, and plan to move 4 hours away to complete my degree program in August. It will take me a couple of years to finish my BS.

Now. Here it is, coming fast and furious. In about 8 weeks, I will have to put my AP infant in day care. I left him with my mother for 2 hours on Tuesday. Then he was inconsolable and I had to return home. I keep saying it's because it was his bedtime. But now I am terrified. I was already afraid of having someone else care for him. What if he wants me after two hours and they can't calm him? What if he cries and cries until I come back? What if he feels abandoned?

I have to go to school. Either that or get a job. (We have been living with my mom and living off of my savings.) Either way I will have to have childcare. I am a single mama. My grandmother has offered to support us until he is 4(!!!), but I know that this is completely unrealistic. She doesn't have the means and I would NEVER put that burden on her.

I am unwilling to change my future plan. I am in a degree program I adore. There isn't anything closer. I left a school 8 hours away (out of state) to go to our state school.

Please tell me about your experiences putting your child into another person's hands. I am totally freaking out.

[marinak1977]

I'm going through this too, so I want to hear other's experiences. DS is currently going for a couple of hours a day and is having a tough time taking the bottle.

[lyterae]

It's hard there is no way around it, DD started daycare at 2.5. I imagine that it's even more difficult when they are infants.

Find a provider you adore, you need to be completely comfortable with that person. I interviewed close to 10 different daycares and it was the last one I went to. I had found a couple that would "do", but no one that I loved prior to that.

Also, expect the first month to be rough for both of you (you and your child). The first time I dropped her off I sat in the car and sobbed. The first few weeks were rough, she was very clingy, it took a long time for drop-offs to go well. I requested that daycare call me within a half hour to give me an update, was she still crying, etc.. It's HARD to drop them off, even now almost 2 years later it can be hard.

[~pi]

mama.

For what it's worth, having seen both sides, I think that in a way, it's easier to start daycare when they are younger. Most people start at a year here, and have a difficult transition. I have friends who had to put their babies in daycare younger than that, and they adjusted so much more easily than the one year olds.

It will be a transition, and it will probably be hard. The fact that the first try with your mom was rough is to be expected. It takes time to get used to a new situation. But once your DS gets into the rhythm of daycare days, a good care provider will make your son feel safe, loved, and cared for.

My DS had a difficult time starting daycare, and it was hard for all of us, but he did adjust and developed really lovely relationships with his care providers. Several of them remain good family friends, and as a WOHM, I really appreciated having these other mothers who have loved him, cared for him, and helped him arrive at school age as a sweet, funny and caring little person.

Hang in there, and best of luck with your studies! It sounds like you are doing a great thing for your son and yourself.

[ejg123]

We struggled with the same thing. Our son went to daycare when he was six months. We were lucky in that we were able to work our way up from five half days and step up one half day every month or so until it was full time. He cried a lot at first, but now he LOVES it. We don't LOVE our daycare - they are good in many ways, but not ideal in other ways. There just aren't that many good options for us where we live. One thing that has been hard for me is trying to gently be clear about what it is that we want - i.e. please don't feed him your "snacks" - only what we send. We didn't want to come across (even moreso) as the freaky hippie natural parents, but in trying to go easy on that, we haven't been clear enough about our needs.

Also, I wanted to stay the first full day with him and then ease down to half day, 1/4 day, etc. but the providers tried to "help" me by trying to speed the process along and I wasn't assertive enough in saying "No, I want to stay WITH him the first full day." I wasn't one of those mom's who was traumatized by leaving him, but I just wanted to make sure that I did the transition as best as possible. He is very happy in daycare now (at 15 months) and it was really only a week or two for the transition. Don't feel bad about doing what you have to do. Daycare can be great for many children and for us in it makes the time we have together less stressful and more precious because I am able to get everything done (for school and work) while he is in daycare rather than trying to constantly juggle it all with him in the house.

Good luck! Follow your instinct and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You are doing what you need to for you and your little one!

[~pi]

Just a note re: transitions, unlike the pp, I did do a very gradual transition, and I now think it made the whole thing harder. It made it harder for DS to understand what was going on.

If I were to do it again, I would keep a very consistent routine from the start and not do things like stay with him in the mornings to make sure he's comfortable (only to then leave!), have shorter days if he was having a bad day (only to then not be able to do that every time!), etc.

[Austin'smom]

I agree with ~pi, consistency will help make the transition a lot smoother. My DS was older when he first went to day care at about 14 months, but it was still really hard on him. I wasn't prepared at how hard it would be, or how it would make me feel. There were days during the first two weeks, I wanted to just take him home and not go to work. After the first two weeks, things went a lot smoother. I hope he makes the transition well.

[Lilygoose]

We put our DD in daycare at 5 months old and I was really upset about it. We found a a daycare that we liked and felt comfortable with. I have a somewhat flexible schedule at work and was able to stay for a bit in the mornings and also drop in for about a half an hour many days out of the week and see my DD, but I was still really upset and worried. However, my DD LOVED IT! From the moment she started she really enjoyed being there and only rarely had a problem when I dropped her off. This will not be true for everyone, but maybe you'll get lucky. Honestly, I was more traumatized by the whole thing than she was.

[Gimme Pineapple]

Thanks ladies. That is making me feel better. I plan to move there by August 1st and have him in daycare by the middle of the first week. We will be doing half days. Even though school doesn't start until August 24, I think if I get him through the rough transition, it will be easier for me when my classes start.

I'll just spend those first weeks unpacking and pumping and crying... How do these little things turn us into such big weirdos??

ETA: By "little things," I mean children. Making this decision is definitely NOT a little thing.

[Girlprof]

I found the weeks and months leading up to daycare to be harder than actually starting in some ways. In other words, you may be doing the hardest part right now. [Well, to me the hardest part sounds like moving....]

My children were born in Dec and Jan. They both started daycare in mid-August, so at about the same age as your son. We did a few shorter days before they started doing something like 8:30 to 4pm, four days a week. We love our daycare.

Both our kids transitioned pretty easily. They loved/love being there. The teachers are super experienced at helping kids ease into it. Dare I say, they may in fact manage this better than your mother did because even though she presumably knows your son better, the daycare folks will have a lot more experience at transitioning kids into non-parental care.

I think you're smart to get him started before classes start. Go easy on yourself and don't expect too much out of those first few days. Our daycare director tells new families to go do something nice for the first few hours, if at all possible. In other words, don't unpack or work or whatever - go explore your new town or have coffee with a friend.

It IS hard at first, but it gets lots, lots easier. If the daycare is a good match for you, it won't be long before you are finding some nice things about this arrangement. As a single mama, you need the support. Getting your degree is a fantastic thing to do for you and your son. Good luck!