If you knew CPS was coming...

[Stephenie]

If you had a pretty good idea that CPS was going to show up at your door, what would you do to prepare yourself/ your home?

My inlaws have threatened to call CPS because they say I was too rough with my son last time I saw them ... I was not, am not ever. I am 100% gentle discipline. Check out my thread about the situation here http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1224620 if you want more backstory. Basically, they are nuts and I have a strong feeling they may follow through with their claims.

We do not hurt our kids. I am not worried that they will think we do... but we co-sleep. We don't vax. The kids don't attend any kind of school, and though they are 1 and 3 that seems to be really uncommon in this area. We don't own a TV, DD does not have a bed. We are surely not the norm for the area in which we live.

Should I get dd a bed? I plan on making sure the house is as clean as possible round the clock (but not letting them in if they show up, I've always heard that.....) but if it does get to that stage I want to be ready. I really do think my inlaws will probably be calling and if cps does show up I want it to be over as soon as possible.

Another issue- we don't have a local doctor of any kind. We have lived here less than three months. So along those lines, they are not going to be able to find anyone local who knows us very well to vouch for the way we are with the kids. I don't know how much that matters, but thought I would throw it out there,

Thanks for reading and I really do appreciate any advise. I am stressing here.

[lilyka]

Yes I would get a bed.

And perhaps start interviewing Dr.s Just call a couple so you can say "We are on the hunt for t a good ped....Here is who we have talked to so far..Do you have kids? Who do you recommend? Have you heard of these Dr.s? What do you think? "

Don't worry at all about school. Your kids are babies. norm or not there is no reason you should feel any concern about staying home with your babies.

And stay the heck away from your inlaws.

[philomom]

Okay, you asked. My friend is a social worker and here's some of the things she checks on....


No dirty dish pile up. One or two meal's worth is all that should un-washed. Counters should have food prep spot that is clean. No pet feces of any kind that has not been dealt with in a timely manner. No evidence of bugs or household pests. Bathrooms should be clean. All cleaners and possible toxins should be put up or locked up in a child proof spot. Stock the fridge and the cupboards with staples like flour, oatmeal, beans, rice... etc. Have a bowl of apples out. Or other fruit. Pears, oranges... nothing that gets mushy fast. Wipe the floors down. Sweep the porches. Dirty laundry and clean laundry should be separate, even if the stacks are large.

A child should appear to have their own sleeping space.. even if they choose not to use it.

Good luck.

[QuestionGal]

i think I read on another thread about a calling CPS and letting them know that someone might file a "spite" report. Explain the whole situation (IIRC you guys have cut them off b/c they told DS that you don't love him? and you won't friend MIL on FB)

I've never dealt with CPS before so I can't comment on if it would be less of a hassle (in the long run) to have a bed for DD or find a local dr. Since you've only been there 3 months I can't see that being a big deal. Maybe have a name of a dr that you plan to see should the need arise?

[Stephenie]

For the own sleeping space- would it be ok to just put another mattress next to my bed? Or should I be putting a bed in another room for dd (14 mo) ?

[RebeccaWo]

I would get beds for the kids and schedule an "interview" type appt. with a ped. or two. I would also file a restraining order against your MIL and FIL. Seriously. I would also ask my/your mother to do the same. I mean, she tracked your mother down at work? Plus, it's at least a paper trail to show you have your own concerns about MIL/FIL. Essentially, I would do whatever I needed to do to protect my family.

As for the cleanliness of your house, so long as nothing is filthy or a hazzard, you're fine. A house looking 'lived in' is expected.

[Stephenie]

I had wondered about calling them ahead of time like that- show them I haven nothing to hide... I wasn't sure if that would be helpful or not.


I do have the names of a few docs, the one I wanted had a super long waiting list and I wanted to look for someone less busy. Guess I could get on the list.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by philomom

Okay, you asked. My friend is a social worker and here's some of the things she checks on....


No dirty dish pile up. One or two meal's worth is all that should un-washed. Counters should have food prep spot that is clean. No pet feces of any kind that has not been dealt with in a timely manner. No evidence of bugs or household pests. Bathrooms should be clean. All cleaners and possible toxins should be put up or locked up in a child proof spot. Stock the fridge and the cupboards with staples like flour, oatmeal, beans, rice... etc. Have a bowl of apples out. Or other fruit. Pears, oranges... nothing that gets mushy fast. Wipe the floors down. Sweep the porches. Dirty laundry and clean laundry should be separate, even if the stacks are large.

A child should appear to have their own sleeping space.. even if they choose not to use it.

Good luck.

Oh cripes. We would be in big trouble depending on the day they came. Is it really a no-no with CPS to have roaches or ants in your house? We currently do have a roach problem, and it's a big enough problem that you would see them if you came in the house. But it is precisely because of our children that we haven't sprayed poisons all over the place. Augie is 15 mos old, there is just no way I want him rolling around in bug poisons that have been linked to neurological problems and leukemia. We are thinking about having our house termite-tented bc that actually kills the roaches and kept them out of this house for the first three years we were here, and it doesn't have the same health concerns as the usual spray. But to thin that CPS could, what??? take away our kids bc of the roaches???

And to the OP, I would say definately get a bed and yeah, keep the house reasonably clean. For us, I would focus on keeping kitchen clean and clothes from being piled up. I bet that the fact that there's toys strewn all across the living room here right now would not be of terrible concern.

[Stephenie]

We talked about a restraining order or no contact order. I will have to talk to dh tonight and see how he feels about that... he wants to be able to send mail to his grandma who lives with them, so it's kind of complicated there. Do you think my mom could get one based on an incident that was four years ago?

[JessicaS]

You might try diatomaceous earth for the insects you can find it at hardware stores.

[firewoman]

Oh my goodness, what an absolute nightmare! To answer the question on your other thread about whether or not the fact that your MIL has cancer should change your feelings about them I would say absolutely not. These people are extremely damaging to your family and the way in which they are interfering is spiteful and traumatic to your children. Your job as parents is to PROTECT those babies and keeping them far away from these in-laws is imperative for their protection. My mom died of breast cancer and I was there helping her through it, but if she had behaved this way and put my family in jeopardy I would not have.

To prepare your home, yes I would get a bed for the three year old and probably put it in a seperate room. It is unfortunate, but there is a lot about your parenting style which is non-comformist (all of which I agree with, BTW) and it may just help your case. I would have the house as clean as possible and have the laundry done and put away, not in piles, even though under normal circumstances I do have piles! I'm sure it will all work out but the fact that your in-laws are putting your family through this is ridiculous. I'm not a grudge holder but this is not something I would get over.

[blessedwithboys]

iirc, i commented on your other thread. i believe in ridding my life of toxic ppl the moment i identify the toxicity, so good for you for doing what you felt you needed to do!

as for CPS...my xmil called on me 3 yrs ago. she reported that ds was still nursing (he was, and continued to for 9 more mos until he CLW around his 5th bday), that i had no food (i had a cupboard and fidge full, even though i had no idea they were coming), and that i beat and drugged my ds (ummm, whatever, i dont even spank, and he wasnt drugged, his OT rec melatonin for his sleep disorder)

i would NOT rec calling CPS first. why borrow trouble? what if your mil never calls? then all youve done is invite attn to your alternate lifestyle! what you may wanna do is call a lawyer, though.

how to prepare for the visit...everyone gave good advice so far. i would add, keep your front blinds open so you can see cars pulling up, and be extra careful not to raise your voice, whether or not its to your kids (not that it would be!) it would suck for them to be at your door and you didnt notice and you yell at your 3 yo to sit down and please hush up for a minute so mommy can xyz! it wouldnt seem un-GD of me for a mama under stress to do something like that, but its just the 1st impression you wanna make, kwim? (i once walked up to a friends house and the father was screaming at the kids to shut the eff up. bad bad 1st impression, imo.

so, keep the house tidy, keep the kitchen stocked, i like the bowl of fruit idea. my investigator actually looked in the closets and drawers to make sure my kids had clothes.

oh, and wrt not letting them in...by all means, let them in! video tape their entire visit, you have a legal right to do that. if you dont let them in, you have to at least take the kids out to let the worker see them. if you dont, they can get a bug their you-know-what and come back with a warrant and the cops. so, let them in, show them your pretty house with a bed for your dc1 and a crib for you dc2 and give them an hour of your time and then put it behind you (until the 6 mo mark when they come back to close out the investigation)

[Drummer's Wife]

I would make sure each of my kids had a bed (they do - even though the youngest sleeps with us most nights), the house was super clean, pantry and fridge stocked up, outside areas free from clutter, pediatrician secured, and probably consult with a lawyer if possible.

Hope no one really shows up.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

I remember reading your post about the nasty things your IL's said to your son and how your MIL claims to have cancer. Maybe you could print off that thread to show CPS (if they show up at your place) that your IL's have other issues, and that whatever claims they have made about your parenting need to be put in perspective.

With that said, IMO it would be a good idea to clean up your house according to what a PP indicated CPS looks for. In this particular scenario, I feel that if you have a roach problem that will raise a red flag for CPS, you really ought to go buy (and use) some roach traps and roach spray. Yes, it is yucky stuff, but think of it this way: would indirect and temporary exposure to roach spray be more harmful to your children's long-term well-being than being removed from your home by CPS? Yes, the chances of removal from your home are probably slim, but I personally would not take chances. Once you get the visible roaches under control you could try a PP's suggestion and use diatomaceous earth to continue contolling the population. All the other issues (no bed for DD, clutter, whatever else) are easily rectifiable. Having a clean and orderly home is especially important if you do not have a local pedi or neighbors, friends, etc. who can vouch for you. CPS will put more weight on what they can see than what they can't.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

[luv-my-boys]

wow, I was thinking about your situation that you posted the other day and now this. This becomes so obviously clear that these people are TOXIC and truly trying to damage your relationship with your children.

Like others said I would work on making your house sparkle. A fully stocked fridge and pantry. Even if you bought inexpensive toddler beds that could later be dismantled and stored. Start calling around pediatricians offices and get a list going (even if its just for show-a hey im interviewing these offices)heck I probably would even go so far as to make an appt for a month or so just *in case*

personally I would have a video camera ready and waiting if they did show up. You have the right to video tape it. I would make a note to zoom in and focus on things you see the sw noting. Open your fridge and pantry, show the overall appearance of the house and children. If you feel uncomfortable with it I would simply state that you believe that your IL's are maliciously targeting you and you were advised to document any type of malicious harassment (again turning it on the IL's not the sw) I would also strongly look into getting a restraining order or at least know how to go about getting one in your area.

Are there any free childrens programs in your area..library story times park days or such. I would look into getting involved with some or going to some just to meet up with people and show that you arnt trying to keep your children isolated in any ways.

[Stephenie]

Thanks everyone for the info. I will be getting dd a bed. DS has one... not that he uses it often... but its' there. We don' have a roach problem, that was another poster. The house is usually quite clean, but often there are toys everywhere and a dish or two in the sink.

As for stocking the fridge and pantry... we don't eat like "normal" people because my ds has a lot of sensitivities and dh and I have a few apeice. Would you stock up on "normal" foods even if you won't eat them? Or would having rice flour and quinoa in the cupboards be as good as having wheat flour and oatmeal? * I know the inlaws think we're starving ds and he needs to eat "normal food"... but I mean the workers should just care that they're being fed, right? Not what?

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by Stephenie

I know the inlaws think we're starving ds and he needs to eat "normal food"... but I mean the workers should just care that they're being fed, right? Not what?

I think that would be fine. I mean, they aren't going to take your kids for not feeding them mac-n-cheese and poptarts...as long as there's FOOD it should be okay. I wouldn't waste my money on food I won't eat.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by MissMaegie'sMama

With that said, IMO it would be a good idea to clean up your house according to what a PP indicated CPS looks for. In this particular scenario, I feel that if you have a roach problem that will raise a red flag for CPS, you really ought to go buy (and use) some roach traps and roach spray. Yes, it is yucky stuff, but think of it this way: would indirect and temporary exposure to roach spray be more harmful to your children's long-term well-being than being removed from your home by CPS? Yes, the chances of removal from your home are probably slim, but I personally would not take chances. Once you get the visible roaches under control you could try a PP's suggestion and use diatomaceous earth to continue contolling the population. All the other issues (no bed for DD, clutter, whatever else) are easily rectifiable. Having a clean and orderly home is especially important if you do not have a local pedi or neighbors, friends, etc. who can vouch for you. CPS will put more weight on what they can see than what they can't.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack this thread at all. The roach problem is mine. I don't think the OP has mentioned roaches. We only saw one or two here and there, infrequently enough that we had a party here maybe three months ago and didn't even worry that they might be seen. Then, all of the sudden, the day of the Easter earthquake, which only did very minor damage to our house (just a couple of cracks in the walls) the roaches freaked out. So we've tried a few things and nothing has worked. Next step is tenting, probably, but we have to do it at a time that we can be away. Milo's last day of school was yesterday, so probably sometime soon. But I really do believe that this is completely w/in the realm of what the parents think should go -- it's not clear that living with roaches is worse than living with roach poisons (though roaches are no fun at all, i can tell you). But I don't think the advice of spraying poisons in case CPS comes is all that different in kind (maybe in degree) than saying you should ween your child bc CPS might come, kwim? Now, weening my child would make me feel much sadder, but it is possible that spraying poisons would cause a more negative long term consequence.

[CrazyCatLady]

I have a long, messy history with cps. I'm not going to read the other replies because all the "they're just there to help, don't worry" attitudes usually eat me alive. My best advice is to not let them in. Have a sit with them out front. Chat a little bit. Answer what you feel is necessary. I would not sign anything giving them permission to speak with the kids doctors, etc. Let the kids come outside with you and say hi. Inform them of the situation going on with your inlaws.

With out a warrant (which they won't get, not matter what they say) they have no right to be in your house. They may even come back with the police and try to get in your house that way. If there's no warrant, it's the same thing. Politely and firmly tell them that you're not comfortable with that for now.

They often get bored and go away after the front porch chat. Especially if you don't sign anything giving them permission to probe further. I mean you could play nice, and let them in, and hope for the best (the whole mentality of having nothing to hide). I've seen that really work for some people and really screw others over.

I also would not agree to meet with them at their office. Those doors lock from the inside usually and if they don't want you leaving with your kids, you won't.

I would, if I were you make an appointment for the kids at a peds office. Just pick a doc at random if you want and pick a date kind of far away if you don't really want to go. Because they are going to bug you about the kids doctor...it's like one of their favorite subjects. And it helps to be able to say that there is a check up coming up for the kids soon (even if you plan to cancel it, they don't need to know that). Or really go and get the check up if that'll make you feel better. Again, I don't recommend giving them permission to speak with your kids doctor (even just to confirm that you have an appointment).

I'd also buy beds or whatever big things that will make you feel better to have "just in case". Cps is a bit obsessed about beds. I still don't recommend letting them in.

Hopefully all will be well and it won't be a big deal, it usually isn't. But people can and do lose their kids to cps over nothing. No abuse or neglect is even necessary. Just the potential for abuse or neglect needs to be there. And that's up to anyone's freaking interpretation.

But I'm not going to argue about any of what I just said on this site. People here are usually either very pro or anti cps and it makes it hard to have a productive conversation.

Hope things work out for you OP. Sorry about the inlaws.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by Stephenie

As for stocking the fridge and pantry... we don't eat like "normal" people because my ds has a lot of sensitivities and dh and I have a few apeice. Would you stock up on "normal" foods even if you won't eat them? Or would having rice flour and quinoa in the cupboards be as good as having wheat flour and oatmeal? * I know the inlaws think we're starving ds and he needs to eat "normal food"... but I mean the workers should just care that they're being fed, right? Not what?

I have been through what you are going through. Do not go through your home and stage things like putting food you don't really eat in the cupboards. They do not look at exactly what is in there that closely. A bunch of new, unopened packages of food would look fake anyway.

They don't go over your home with a fine-toothed comb over one call from one source. They will want to see that your house is reasonably clean and safe, that there's food in the house and that the kids don't show any signs of abuse. They will probably ask to see diapers and formula for the baby. If you explain that the baby is breastfed, that will be good enough. A bed for DD and having a pediatrician is probably a good idea, though. Our malicious caller tried to use non-vaxing against us and we were asked whether our child had a ped. They also asked if we were planning on putting our child in school at some point in the future, because the caller told them we intended to never educate our child because we planned to homeschool. This was when she was under 6 months old. They were perfectly fine with us saying we were going to homeschool later- the only thing they would be concerned with is if you had a school-age child that was not being schooled or homeschooled.

CPS workers see enough REAL abuse and neglect and filth that they know when they're in a good home, and they deal with enough malicious callers that they know when they've been sent on a wild goose chase. Yes, there are horror stories about CPS workers taking things too far but in my case and the cases of a lot of people who have had a crazy revenge call from a wacko relative, they come once, go back and write in your file that no evidence to support the allegations was found, and close your file. In my case they came back for a follow-up visit because the same person called them again and when I told them I had not seen or spoken to that person, or allowed them around my child, since the first call (they refused to disclose who called them, but I knew it could only have been that person and I later found proof of that fact), they left and never came back. They also informed me that it is illegal for someone to use CPS to try to harass an individual and that they will independently prosecute people if they make enough false claims. IDK if that's true in every state, but that's what they told me when they came to my house.

Oh, also, they might bring a cop the first time they come, but that might have been because the malicious caller in my case alleged that we had narcotics in our home and they also claimed that our home was filthy enough that had their allegations been true, they probably would have removed our child on the spot. Don't be scared and don't get too detailed about the family drama. Let them in, show them your nice clean home and your happy kids, and cordially send them on their way. You'll be ok.