Pregnant facing custody battle. HELP!

[lilyahyah]

I am about to have my baby and my ex has not been there or helped at all thru out the pregnancy. We broke up when i was in my first trimester and i moved to texas to be with my family, while he stayed in california with his. Now that he has gotten a gig and will be getting some income and will get his own apartment he thinks he has all of these rights and says he will fight me for custody if i dont move back to california to be with him. I am on welfare now and havent been able to get a job because i have been on bed rest and am still trying to get my life back together. I have a sketchy back ground being i used to be a dancer, but since i have gotten pregnant I have done a 180 turnaround change in my life. My family and I have gotten the baby all of her necessities and things she will be needing without his help, but he is saying he is getting all of the things she needs and making place for her in cali now just to show the judge when he fights me for custody. I think this is SO unfair. He is saying he wont help me get her things she needs or pitch in on what i have already spent because he isnt there to make sure every penny goes to his daughter. Which is ridiculous because that only leaves everything to be left for me to do. Also he says if i file for child support he will have no choice but to take the child from me, which is crazy becuase obviously i need him to pay child support someday! He also smokes weed, but he could easily cheat on a drug test if they gave one to him. I know he will try to throw my past in my face in court. and he will have more money than i do to hire a lawyer when he goes to court where i have no money at all for that. My questons are what are the chances of him getting custody taking into consideration all i have stated above. since obviously now he has income while i am dependant on the state at the moment, what role would my past play in the custody battle even tho I am living a better more stable life now with my mother, does it matter that he did not help at all to get the baby her things and wasnt there thru out the pregnancy? And what are the laws with visitation rights when the child is an infant and the father lives in a different state? Please please, i am stressing out so much and cant stop crying because i have been thru SO much and had to do so much without him and it took me alot to get to this point and now i feel like it is all about to be for nothing and my baby will be taken away from me. I am so scared and am not even looking forward to giving birth anymore. Please help me with your advice from experiences you have heard of or your own... or any info you might know??? I would deeply appreciate it SO much.

[PoppyMama]

please try to relax and enjoy the end of your pregnancy. I strongly encourage you to document everything and only communicate by email from now on. You should get a lawyer but if you can't afford one there are law schools. Remember that he will have to hire a lawyer in texas so this is going to be harder for him. Did he end it? Can you show he told you to leave? There is little chance he would be the custodial parent but he will likely get visitation.
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[Halfasianmomma]

Oh mama, I'm so sorry your X is being a total ...

First off, being a dancer isn't criminal; isn't it a licensed profession where you live? Here in Canada, dancers need to get a license and pay a yearly fee, so the government can get its cut...thus dancing becomes legal. In any case, that was THEN, and this is NOW.

Your X's threats to take the child away from you are most likely caused by him trying to scare you out of asking for child support. It's such an oooooold excuse; many of mamas on the board can probably attest to it. My X did it, but guess who's got the judgment granting sole custody? Me. Right now, he's just using words to frighten you. He couldn't TAKE anything from you, nor can he FORCE you to move back to California...Unless you were some kind of convicted heroin shooting abusive criminal, the courts won't separate a child from his mother.

If your X does take this to court, he may get some visitation, but I don't think there will even be overnights until your child is older. Usually when the infant is young and still nursing, the courts generally lean towards frequent but short visits. He'd most likely have to travel to come see you and baby.

My first piece of advice is to STOP talking to him and keep all communication to email. It's now time to start recording EVERYTHING he says and does to build up a file against him. I would also write out a history in point form: what he's done (or not done) to help you since you conceived, threats he's made, etc etc. It's time to go into DOCUMENTATION MODE. Sadly, this is war, and you need to arm yourself.

Since you're on welfare, you probably qualify for legal aid and you need to get represented by a lawyer ASAP. Find out where the legal aid office is in your area and make it your top priority to fill out the forms, wait in line, sit in some waiting room, or whatever, but get your case taken on. Hopefully, you'll be able to get a lawyer to take you on pro bono. When you go see the lawyer, do not use him or her as a shrink...don't talk about emotions or how unfair this is...they don't care. Make yourself point form lists of questions and issues you need addressed right away. When you are represented by the lawyer, make sure that all communication with your X goes through the lawyer.

Please keep in mind that he may well disappear when he finds his next victim to harass (or when he impregnates the next girl). It's always a possibility.

I hope this helps a bit...please feel free to post again and ask if I wasn't super clear.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

i don't really know what to say just didn't want to read and not reply.
sorry your going through this, your ex sounds like a right piece of work
more hugs

[lilyahyah]

Thank you so much for the replies! It helps to talk to other people about this, especially when i am being attacked by someone who hasnt even shown initiative as a father. WEll, I am afraid also because I am sure he has emails on file of me talking about my life and how bad it was back when we started dating before i got pregnant. And also he has on file when i left him and i was pregnant i was so angry how it all happened and how i was left in a motel with nothing to eat and had to find my way to my mother in texas on my own and he did not help me and absolutely ignored me once i asked him to help me apply for medical (i lost everything including my birth certificate and could not afford the 60 dollars to replace it to apply for medical for the baby), i would cry to him and he would tell me to leave him alone so there are emails of me telling him i wish he would die and how much i hate him for abandoning me and that i wish he would just sign over his rights as a parent since he doesnt care. They are very angry emails. I admit i let my anger get the best of me but i was so hurt. I would ask him to help me get the baby things and he would say next month and never would. Then i began going into preterm labor at 28 weeks so i wrote an email asking for peace and didnt want to deal with him anymore or argue. But he still has all of those angry emails. Also... when i was a dancer, i was in an abusive relationship where the boyfriend i had controlled my entire life and beat me, i filed a police report but once the police came to arrest the guy i was there and i couldnt go thru with it because i loved him and was very foolish so i retracted my statements and went to jail instead for filing false reports and obstruction of justice. I believe the charges were dropped tho that night because they had on file pictures of my bruises and etc. But i dont know if it still stays on my record...
Can he use that against me as well??
He will have more money than me becuase he just struck a deal as an music entertainer while i have nothing... but i have scraped every penny without him to make a nice little room for her when she comes. I got her crib and everything she needs. It is so unfair. I struggled. How can comeone be this cold when they let you to go thru all of that alone? I hate that i am connected to this guy for the rest of my life.

[2xy]

Umm....I may be off base here, but I don't think he has any rights as a parent until his name goes onto a birth certificate. There is no baby yet. He is not yet a parent, legally.

Is there any chance you could just leave the "father" space blank on the birth certificate? He could always take you to court to prove he was the father, but at least that would buy you some time with visitations and such.

[lilyahyah]

p.s as of last night i have put his email on my block list because i cannot take the stress of his threats and the things he says right now.

Also... i plan on giving her my last name... can he change it later to his last name?

[lilyahyah]

I am not planning on putting his name on the birth certificate.. but im not sure if i have to or not or how that works when you are on welfare and government aid because from what i understand the government goes after him if you are on assistance. I do want him to pay child support tho sooner or later, i feel thats only fair if he ever wants visitations. If i file for child support in a month or two after she is born will they back track for the missed payments he missed for the months prior?
Also, do i have to go to court right away to file for sole custody once she is born or do i become the sole parent automatically?
Also... would he be able to cheat on a drug test? Would i be able to request a suprise drug test so he doesnt have the time to plan a way to pass it even tho he does it?

Thank you again!!!!!!

[Avani]

My thoughts would be to stop communicating with him now, relax and enjoy the pregnancy. The only thing you should concern yourself with right now is to get ready for the baby. That's it. He can't force you back to CA, in fact once you have the baby all jurisdiction will be where you are currently living. I really wouldn't worry about your past emails. Just put it out of your mind and stop giving him any more ammunition and any more control over your life. I would be willing to bet that once the baby comes he will slowly fade away. A judge isn't going to take away your baby because you were angry and threatening when he abandonded you. A judge isn't going to give custody to the dad because you were once abused and once a dancer. Don't worry about it. Focus on the here and now. If he chooses to file custody, deal with it later. If you want child support then be prepared for him to fight it.

[doubledutch]

don't block his emails. maybe have them go straight into another folder or something, so you don't have to read them, but definitely receive them in case you need to use them against him.

one solution is to not put his name on the birth certificate. he would have to get (and pay for) a paternity test to prove he's the father. it's really unlikely that he will go to the expense of that, let alone to the expense of getting a lawyer and showing up to court dates in texas. what he wants is for you to move back to california. he does not want the baby. he is not going to fight for the baby. he is saying all of this to get you to do what he wants.

even if you do name him as the father (so you can file for child support) or he gets a paternity test, and there is a custody battle (which i think is extremely unlikely), the thing that will matter most is your parenting. being a dancer is not a reason to lose custody, nor is being angry at the man who abandoned you during your pregnancy.

don't block his emails, but don't read them; don't respond to them; don't email, text, call or contact him in any way.

eta: whoa! more posts happened while i was posting. if you are asked to name a father, say you don't know.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by lilyahyah

I am not planning on putting his name on the birth certificate.. but im not sure if i have to or not or how that works when you are on welfare and government aid because from what i understand the government goes after him if you are on assistance. I do want him to pay child support tho sooner or later, i feel thats only fair if he ever wants visitations.

Originally Posted by doubledutch

he would have to get (and pay for) a paternity test to prove he's the father. it's really unlikely that he will go to the expense of that, let alone to the expense of getting a lawyer and showing up to court dates in texas. what he wants is for you to move back to california. he does not want the baby. he is not going to fight for the baby. he is saying all of this to get you to do what he wants.

"Yeah" to what Doubledutch said. He doesn't want a baby; he wants control of the situation he's found himself in.

You can always say you don't know who the father is. I think you need to decide whether child support is worth dealing with this man for the next two decades. Do you WANT him to have visitation? And yes....if you want him to pay child support, you have to name him as father on the birth certificate.

[Avani]

In CA you can have up to three years to get child support from the point the baby is born. You could have the baby, leave dad off the birth certificate and say you don't know who he is. At the point that he files for paternity and custody then you could let it go from there. It could take months for that all to go through. Then when he files everything you can request child support with back pay to when baby was born. However, this is all in theory. If he is a good man then he deserves to be in babies life.

[lilyahyah]

ok i just unblocked him.

Well i have emails from him from very recently saying he loves me and wants to be a family and even goes as far as saying he wants to have 3 more children with me once the baby is born... which is absolutely insane to me, especially when the very next email he is saying he will fight me to take the baby and how i am so bad. So can I use that against him in court to contradict him when he tries to say i am an unfit mother?

Knowing him, he will fight me for custody... just for control of the situation and just to spite me. Trust me, this guy will not just go away. Now that he has some money he is after me like you wouldnt believe. He thinks he is God's gift.

Also it is too late to not list him as the father bexause when i filed for government assistance i put him down as the father. and he will only fight to be put down as the father anyhow.. i am just afraid if i put his name on the birth certificate he will automatically have as much rights to her as i do.

[seeing_stars]

I was a dancer in the past, went through pregnancy by myself and had a custody battle with a man who had unlimited financial resources to fight with and it turned out fine. Being a dancer is not a crime. I actually share custody my with DS's dad and he is a great father, but just because your ex throws out threats does not mean a court would even consider giving him custody. He's trying to threaten and intimidate you into not filing for child support. Child support and custody decisions are made separately in court. If you do not put his name on the birth certificate he'll have to petition for a paternity test to assert that the child is his. If you are on welfare and name a father on the birth certificate they will go after him for some of the money that they paid out to you. It will be ok.

[blessedwithboys]

if you dont put him on the BC, he can petition the court, take a paternity test, and have the BC changed. he can also TRY to have her last name changed to his, but thats iffy. likely, it would be added to the end of whatever name you've already given her.

there is always a chance that you will be ordered to move back the state where you conceived if that is where he lives, though usually those types of orders are given after a child has had close proximity to the NCP for some time and then the CP moves away. moving during pg may not be quite the same.

however, it is altogether possible that he will be granted overnight, even several day long visits from a very early age. if you do not breastfeed, or if you use daycare, you will not have a basis for fighting week-on week-off visits at as young as 6 wks. this has been the case in my state for at least 10 yrs.

also, he will likely be granted week long and even month long visits starting young, so you'll need to sort out how you feel about having him come take your 1yo baby away on a plane for 4 wks every summer.

child support and visitation are not related in the sense that he gets visitation whether or not he pays CS, and you are entitled to CS even if he does not wish to see the child. so dont hesitate to pursue him for CS, he will have no choice to pay unless he wants to go to jail.+

look in the yellow pages under "legal aid". you for sure need a lawyer. best wishes

[lilyahyah]

Originally Posted by Avani

In CA you can have up to three years to get child support from the point the baby is born. You could have the baby, leave dad off the birth certificate and say you don't know who he is. At the point that he files for paternity and custody then you could let it go from there. It could take months for that all to go through. Then when he files everything you can request child support with back pay to when baby was born. However, this is all in theory. If he is a good man then he deserves to be in babies life.

I believe he could be a good father and if he pays child support i would be glad to have him in her life with visitations and put my hurt at how he abandoned us thru out the regnancy behind me. But what scares me is he smokes marijuana on a daily basis, he is surrounded by men constantly, being she will be the only girl ever to be born in that family, she would only end up being taken cared of by his mother (which would make no sense since that is MY child and she already has a mother to take care of her), and his career consists of the night life and the entertainment industry. While I want to home school my daughter, I have sewn her dresses and everything and am taking online courses to get my Ged to get a new career and plan on taking college courses as well once i am able to online. He doesnt even believe in taking her to church, while i believe it is important for her to know who Jesus is and be involved in the church. i just know would be extremely more involved in her life and she needs her mother to be there all the time. I am doing everything i can to be the best i can be. Just because has more of an advantage with coming across some new money, doesnt mean he deserves to get sole NOR partial custody. Besides, he has never held a job in his life. This is the first time in his life he has ever made any money from his "career" and its only because his family is cutting him a deal this time since he is having a daughter. Other than that he is almost 30 still living with his mother and father. Ugh i am so irritated. It makes me even more angry at the fact that when i moved to be with him, i left the state i lived in, sold my car, quit my job and moved in with his parents (which i didnt even know he lived with them til i got there) and supported him, paid his bills and bought his food while i was there, spending all i had until a few months later i found out i was pregnant and said screw this. And left. I helped him so much and he left me out like i was garbage. Now im in this mess having to hear him rant on with his threats. It sucks! Woo sorry just went into a little venting mode for a second.

[lilyahyah]

Originally Posted by seeing_stars

I was a dancer in the past, went through pregnancy by myself and had a custody battle with a man who had unlimited financial resources to fight with and it turned out fine. Being a dancer is not a crime. I actually share custody my with DS's dad and he is a great father, but just because your ex throws out threats does not mean a court would even consider giving him custody. He's trying to threaten and intimidate you into not filing for child support. Child support and custody decisions are made separately in court. If you do not put his name on the birth certificate he'll have to petition for a paternity test to assert that the child is his. If you are on welfare and name a father on the birth certificate they will go after him for some of the money that they paid out to you. It will be ok.

Awww thank you so much

[lilyahyah]

Originally Posted by blessedwithboys

if you dont put him on the BC, he can petition the court, take a paternity test, and have the BC changed. he can also TRY to have her last name changed to his, but thats iffy. likely, it would be added to the end of whatever name you've already given her.

there is always a chance that you will be ordered to move back the state where you conceived if that is where he lives, though usually those types of orders are given after a child has had close proximity to the NCP for some time and then the CP moves away. moving during pg may not be quite the same.

however, it is altogether possible that he will be granted overnight, even several day long visits from a very early age. if you do not breastfeed, or if you use daycare, you will not have a basis for fighting week-on week-off visits at as young as 6 wks. this has been the case in my state for at least 10 yrs.

also, he will likely be granted week long and even month long visits starting young, so you'll need to sort out how you feel about having him come take your 1yo baby away on a plane for 4 wks every summer.

child support and visitation are not related in the sense that he gets visitation whether or not he pays CS, and you are entitled to CS even if he does not wish to see the child. so dont hesitate to pursue him for CS, he will have no choice to pay unless he wants to go to jail.+

look in the yellow pages under "legal aid". you for sure need a lawyer. best wishes

Whats NCP and CP?

He told me to leave and go to texas when i left... but he says now that he didnt know i was going to start a new life here... which i dont know what he expected after he didnt bother for the entire time ive been here and i told him it was over. I suppose he thought i was shallow enough to come running back once he got a little money. But he was becoming abusive and did not care for me at all while i was with him so i would never go back to that. And i do not love him anymore. especially after all i have been thru without him.

and omg he can take my baby at 1 yrs old on a plane back to cali without me?!???????? for four weeks!??!!!!!

Yes i do need a lawyer.. are there any free lawyers? and are the free ones really any good at fighting for you??

[Halfasianmomma]

I know how angry, hurt, disappointed and frightened you must feel. My situation mirrors yours though I did not leave the abusive alcoholic I had a child with. Even so, as much as he threatened and raged and bullied, and as much as he said he had video footage/pics of us during sex, I stubbornly stood my ground, breastfeed my daughter, paid off my debts, got myself a new job, (still living with my parents!), and parented my DD as I saw fit.

Please try to remember that all this court stuff can drag on and on for ages, so it's best to try to take a long-term view of things. Try to focus on now, your pregnancy and upcoming birth. Don't let him ruin this happy time for you; I spent most of my pregnancy stressed out and financially supporting a family of three on a crummy salary, and by the time I lost my job at 7.5 months preggo, I was exhausted. I really regret spending my pregnancy focusing on HIM rather than on myself.

As others have said, it will be OK.

You'll get a lawyer, move on with your life slowly but surely, and he may well disappear into the woodwork once he finds another girlfriend. If he doesn't, you'll deal with it.

[Avani]

Again relax. You are worrying about so many things that have not and are not even happening. The baby hasn't even been born yet. You do not know he is going to file for custody. Nothing has even been filed. All these things take time. A judge isn't going to let him take a new baby back to CA. Relax. Have the baby first. These are all what if's. Enjoy your life. His threats are nothing. Just words. And no judge can make a person move back to where the baby was conceived that is ridiculous. Jurisdiction is given to where a baby is born. Stop worrying!