"Let me tell you how smart my daughter is." - Page 2

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

I think you are sounding more judgemental the more you write. She is young? So that proves...what? I was 21 when I had my son, 23 when I had my first daughter and 26 when I had my second daughter. I can guarantee you I never felt any urge to 'prove' anything to anyone. I have one child with special needs and learning disabilities, one who is highly gifted and one who seems about average. Age of the parent has nothing to do with it. You do not know for sure that this mother is not telling the truth. Maybe the school is planning to skip her daughter based on her birthday (maybe she just missed the cutoff), maybe she is very educationally advanced, maybe a dozen different reasons. Honestly this post just seems like it was written to give you a chance to prove something, not her.

Good Lord. I explained why I mentioned her age. I have seen lots of times that parents who are very young - in this case 17 when she got pregnant - want to show that they are raising competent children. If you don't feel that way, that's good, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility for her to feel that way. Since I myself was born to 17YOs, I'm completely sympathetic to the need for your children's accomplishments to be "proof" that you didn't completely screw up your life and that of your children. I saw it in my own mother. This woman's need to have her children identified as marked and advanced in whatever they do suggests that perhaps she feels that need. It's just an observation I've made that really isn't material to the larger question.

I posted the question because I genuinely want to know how other people handle these issues, not because I need to prove something to this mom. There are things about which I'm judgmental, to be sure, but the age of parents isn't one of them. It's just an observation from experience with really young moms.

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

My only question here is what the appropriate response is. I'm not going to confront her on the grade-skipping, but should I say what DS is doing? Perhaps if her daughter is gifted the kids may enjoy spending more time together. (We've been having a hard time with DS making friends with people his age.) OTOH, maybe I sound like I want to get into a competition about whose child knows more, and I don't. If I don't say something, am I harming DS by passively hiding what he knows or who he is? Over the long term, does that mean he reads what I'm saying as not being happy with him? My question here is about me and my response and not about the other mom.

This is precisely why I would try to initiate a conversation about gifted education. I think that is enough to open the door to further discussion, without being competitive. The fact that you know about it implies that your kids are gifted, without explicitly saying it. You're not hiding it, but you're not bragging about it either. That's ideal, IMO. And it should give you more of a chance to decide whether this is a family you'd like to be better acquainted with or not.

Personally, I tend to over analyze even the simplest conversations. It sounds like the OP is doing some of that. But I don't think that's a reason to attack her.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

If I don't say something, am I harming DS by passively hiding what he knows or who he is? Over the long term, does that mean he reads what I'm saying as not being happy with him?

Butting in here as an ex-gifted child...

I remember when I was growing up there were a couple of other moms in the school system who were competitive types and would brag about their DC test scores, etc. to my mom. My mom always just said, "Uh-huh! That's great!" She never brought up my test scores (which were typically multiple SD above those of the children of these moms) or anything else. And I *loved* that she wouldn't get into it with them. Rather, I'd have been upset with her if she'd gotten into their little bragging contest. Nobody wants to be a pawn in someone else's game of one-upmanship. I think you'd be doing your DS more of a disservice by getting involved.

[Freeman]

VisionaryMom, Personally, I would respond with, "Good for her!" If you are really interested in her dd becoming a potential friend for your ds, you might say that your ds is interested in numbers, too (but I would not follow up with what math he is doing in particular, b/c that could come across as trying to one-up her) and ask what extracurriculars her dd does (to see if they have anything else in common). If you are interested in the grade skip, I see no harm in asking about it, but not in a "But I heard they never do that...are you sure?" kind of way.

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

The best we've gotten from any school here is that they will pay for a specialized computer math program for him to do while his classmates have math. I'd love a parent to discuss the issue with, but I don't think a 5YO who can add is at the same point.

Maybe not, but if the issue is that the school won't differentiate on the child's level, the mom could be a fellow advocate for differentiation - regardless of her child's level or your child's level.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by no5no5

This is precisely why I would try to initiate a conversation about gifted education. I think that is enough to open the door to further discussion, without being competitive. The fact that you know about it implies that your kids are gifted, without explicitly saying it. You're not hiding it, but you're not bragging about it either. That's ideal, IMO. And it should give you more of a chance to decide whether this is a family you'd like to be better acquainted with or not.

Personally, I tend to over analyze even the simplest conversations. It sounds like the OP is doing some of that. But I don't think that's a reason to attack her.

Thanks. I saw that you posted earlier but got lost in my other responses. Yes, I think I'll ask her about the process if it comes up again to see where that goes. That may be a better choice for me.

[connieculkins]

The feeling I get from almost all parents of gifted/smart/advanced kids is that they really believe that their kid is the most gifted around. Now chances are that when they chit-chat with another mother their kid will be brighter than the other mother's child and so they make an assumption. But what happens when you get two moms together who both have smart kids and both assume that their child is the more gifted of the two? The answer is a feeling of competition in an arena in which they are used to not having to compete in. And their first reaction will be to try and find evidence that the other child really isn't as gifted as their child. And if that doesn't work they will try and find evidence in the parent that would make them the 'type' of parent who would mistakenly think their child is gifted or would hothouse.

Something similar happened to me whereby I told a mother that my son liked math and then she asked what math he was doing and before I even had a chance to finish she was already telling me that her daughter was WAY beyond that. Obviously it made her very nervous to think that her daughter might not be ahead of my child, especially since I don't seem like the type to have gifted children.

[joensally]

Originally Posted by LittleBattleAxe

VisionaryMom, telling her, "that's great for you guys" was perfect. No need to engage, and your reply was gracious and certainly not out of place within the social context. Your reply was NOT socially inept, it was perfectly acceptable. I would just make a mental note that in the future, when it happens again (and it will), the parent is simply proud of the child.

It helps me tremendously when I try to attribute the best possible motivation to what people say, when I have nothing else to go on. Does that make sense?

I really agree with this.

I figure all people have their own unique perspectives, and sometimes they may be a bit skewed or maybe I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. I think you handled it very well as you left her self-concept intact and kept the social wheels greased.

Originally Posted by no5no5

This is precisely why I would try to initiate a conversation about gifted education. I think that is enough to open the door to further discussion, without being competitive. The fact that you know about it implies that your kids are gifted, without explicitly saying it. You're not hiding it, but you're not bragging about it either. That's ideal, IMO. And it should give you more of a chance to decide whether this is a family you'd like to be better acquainted with or not.

Personally, I tend to over analyze even the simplest conversations. It sounds like the OP is doing some of that. But I don't think that's a reason to attack her.

Originally Posted by carmel23

But "Heinlein's Razor" is needed here:
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

This little gem made my day. I work for government.

[carmel23]

Originally Posted by connieculkins

The feeling I get from almost all parents of gifted/smart/advanced kids is that they really believe that their kid is the most gifted around. Now chances are that when they chit-chat with another mother their kid will be brighter than the other mother's child and so they make an assumption. But what happens when you get two moms together who both have smart kids and both assume that their child is the more gifted of the two? The answer is a feeling of competition in an arena in which they are used to not having to compete in.

Maybe we're weird, connieculkins, but I have never experienced this, and I have been around a lot of other parent's of gifted children. I'm more like you and don't care about the parenting competition.

The parents I've known have tended to talk about their children's interests--but not the 'level' of achievement--unless it is in the context of looking for something appropriate for their child (a good book at their reading level, etc.).

When I am with my friends of G kids we talk more about their social/emotional needs--whether it is regarding with high achieving kids who are globally gifted, profoundly gifted kids, kids like mine, who are asynchronously HG. Part of this is because the kids are in very different school situations (homeschool, public, private, gifted magnet, radically accelerated, montessori)and you can't really compare. But part of it is because of the futility of comparing.

But this could be because I tend to shy away are reject all kinds of social competition. I don't care about "keeping up with the joneses."

And finally, I think it is best to just let the kid speak for himself. If people (for the sake of friendship, etc) need to know he is gifted, he'll let them know.

And Visionarymom, I don't think that there is any harm in telling another parent that your child is also gifted-- and appeal to the aspects of parenting that you both have in common-- like "kids like these sure keep up on our toes," or "you must be exhausted!" Where you talk more about your experience, then putting your child on display.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by connieculkins

The feeling I get from almost all parents of gifted/smart/advanced kids is that they really believe that their kid is the most gifted around. Now chances are that when they chit-chat with another mother their kid will be brighter than the other mother's child and so they make an assumption. But what happens when you get two moms together who both have smart kids and both assume that their child is the more gifted of the two? The answer is a feeling of competition in an arena in which they are used to not having to compete in. And their first reaction will be to try and find evidence that the other child really isn't as gifted as their child. And if that doesn't work they will try and find evidence in the parent that would make them the 'type' of parent who would mistakenly think their child is gifted or would hothouse.

This doesn't apply to my family at all. The majority of the children we're around range from brighter than average to profoundly gifted. I cannot think of a single child of friends who is an "average" child when it comes to intelligence, so I have no "fear" of my son not being the smartest child in any given situation.

[expecting-joy]

Wow, things are getting a bit heated here. Connieculkins, I couldn't disagree with you more. I have never felt that way. I am overjoyed when I get to talk to other moms with gifted/super bright kids. It is such a relief. I LOVE to hear their kids are doing amazing things or find things easy that my dd struggles with. It makes me feel SO SAFE to talk and compare notes on dealing with schools, etc. I love it when a parent outs herself to me. Most feel the need to hide, unfortunately, for fear of the reaction of those around them.

I think the advice to ask about the process for skipping is great. Who knows. Maybe she just came off funny. Maybe she wanted to make sure you knew the child was young for the grade to ease behavioral jusgements. I can't say.

[rightkindofme]

So VisionaryMom, nothing you wrote seemed offensive to me in the slightest.

It really is hard to talk about children with other parents. It is sometimes very hard to avoid competitive sounding stuff. I think that your response to the other mom was awesome. I also agree that asking her for more information about the skipping process might be useful. It might be tricky to word it so that she doesn't take offense, but maybe something along the lines of: "Oh that's great! Did she have to take any particular test or evaluation in order for them to bring that up?" There are people who will be fussy and defensive if they aren't sure that you are sincere, that's where a big smile helps.

I also know what you are talking about with some younger mothers feeling like they need to kind of 'prove' that they are doing a good job. Not all younger mothers, of course, but it does happen. I have several friends who had their kids very young and they have talked to me about feeling that way. (My friends were 15 and 16 respectively.) I think they are both fantastic mothers so I don't think they need to prove anything, but they feel they do. It's a thing. You aren't terrible for noticing it.

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by connieculkins

The feeling I get from almost all parents of gifted/smart/advanced kids is that they really believe that their kid is the most gifted around. Now chances are that when they chit-chat with another mother their kid will be brighter than the other mother's child and so they make an assumption. But what happens when you get two moms together who both have smart kids and both assume that their child is the more gifted of the two? The answer is a feeling of competition in an arena in which they are used to not having to compete in.

This has never been my experience either. Your experience with giftedness seems to have been rather strongly associated with parental competitiveness. I wonder if this says more about the social-cultural milieu you live in than about giftedness. I honestly can only think of once or twice in my entire experience as a parent (and my eldest is 16 now) when I've been subjected to anything with even a whiff of parental competitiveness.

Miranda

[HeatherB]

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