What to do when your child doesn't like your friend's child...

[mbhf]

My neighbor is one of my best friends. She has three kids very close in age to my three youngest. We get together several times a week, she is a very good friend and my three youngest get along well with her kids. The problem is with my 7yo, he doesn't like her oldest daughter (when asked he says it's because she wants to marry him) and he is very rude and just behaves really strangely when they are here.

I tell him he can go back to his room and play, read, whatever, or go into my room and watch TV, sometimes he does but more and more often he just sits around out in the living room (with all of us) and complains that the girls are bothering him, asks me when they're going home, takes things from the oldest girl (not directly from her hands, he will wait until she stops using it and then take it, which is "fair game" in our house but it seems very obvious that he is doing it just to bother her) and he's just very whiny and acts so strangely. He says there is nothing to do when they're here, even though they do not impede him from doing anything that I can see.

Literally the minute they walk out the door he is back to normal 100%. He is not like this when anyone else visits. He has never been excluded that I have noticed, my 5yo and her 5yo are not great friends, my 5yo generally keeps to himself when they are over so I don't think it's an issue of feeling left out. He is in school right now, but after next week he will be home with us and next year we are homeschooling. He is generally very laid back and kind, especially to younger kids, so this is very strange for him.

I don't get it! This is a good friend of mine and our 3yos and 1yos adore each other. I don't want to limit the interactions we have with this friend but I don't know what to do about my 7yo.

[peaceful_mama]

I've run across this and honestly I've found it's gone better if we're all at a park or in an environment where there are other kids to interact with. It's like the extra activity opportunities or the other people take their minds off of interacting with each other...it's easier for them to "live and let live" allowing the rest of us to enjoy the time.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mbhf

(when asked he says it's because she wants to marry him) .... complains that the girls are bothering him,

In what ways has this girl bothered him? Does she say things to him that are uncomfortable to him that he doesn't know how to respond to? Is part of the problem her behavior?

[JL83]

A few times I've given the kids a break. Since I like the other mom, I still get together with her for coffee, but for awhile we stop doing playdates.

I don't think it's very fair to keep having kids over who my kids don't like.

[mbhf]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

In what ways has this girl bothered him? Does she say things to him that are uncomfortable to him that he doesn't know how to respond to? Is part of the problem her behavior?

Generally what she is doing that bothers him is just her being there, yesterday they were over for a bit and they were riding our Wheely Bugs across the living room, which is long and skinny, so there's not much to do but go from one end to the other, turn around and go the other way. So he said she was following him. Which is true, technically, but there wasn't any other place for her to ride and I am pretty sure she was on a bug before he was. I don't think she makes him uncomfortable, because he always chooses to stay out here where the other kids are playing instead of going to his room or my room and shutting the door to be by himself. Last time they were over, he sat in the laundry room (right off the kitchen were we were eating) to eat and banged on the washing machine. This is all very strange behavior for him.

Originally Posted by JL83

A few times I've given the kids a break. Since I like the other mom, I still get together with her for coffee, but for awhile we stop doing playdates.

I don't think it's very fair to keep having kids over who my kids don't like.

Well, thanks for the helpful advice, but as I said it's not just that I like the mom, our 3yos are very good friends and our youngest children also really enjoy playing together. My two youngest also really like her 5yo. My 5yo could really take or leave her 5yo but they do not have any issues, they get along well in many situations, and just play separately in others.

As I also said, my 7yo has been in school all year and generally we get together with this family while he is at school. He only has a week left of school though, and next year we are homeschooling.

We are also both military wives, our husbands work very long hours (mine is currently deployed) and we are a great support to each other. She is one of the only people I trust to watch my children should an emergency arise, and I am that same person for her, so I would really rather not just cut off contact because my oldest child doesn't like her oldest child. I am certainly not forcing or even asking that he play with her, just that he not treat her poorly.

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by mbhf

I tell him he can go back to his room and play, read, whatever, or go into my room and watch TV, sometimes he does but more and more often he just sits around out in the living room (with all of us) and complains that the girls are bothering him, asks me when they're going home, takes things from the oldest girl (not directly from her hands, he will wait until she stops using it and then take it, which is "fair game" in our house but it seems very obvious that he is doing it just to bother her) and he's just very whiny and acts so strangely. He says there is nothing to do when they're here, even though they do not impede him from doing anything that I can see.

Since there doesn't seem to be any big reason that your ds doesn't like or can't get along with this other girl, and you've given him other options so that he doesn't have to interact with your guests, I'd stick to that. I would tell him that these get togethers are going to continue and he needs to find a way to make the best of them.

And I would not allow him to be rude to guests. Period. In our home, there would be consequences for behaving rudely to our guests. I would not allow my dc's to sit in our company and complain or whine. It's one thing if there's something that's going on that he needs your help to sort through, such as a disagreement with the other child, but a completely different scenario if he's trying to make everyone else uncomfortable to get what he wants. He doesn't have to like this other girl, but I don't think it's an unreasonable request to expect that he will behave politely. He always has the option of disappearing to his room until they leave.

That aside, I would guess that his real problem isn't with this other girl. I think it might have to do with your close relationship with this other mom and the fact that the other siblings enjoy each other so he just feels left out. Just a hunch.

[eepster]

From the way you describe his desire to stay, but act funny my guess would be that he does like her in a normal pals way, but is scared that some one will say he likes her in a boy girl way. He is staying b/c he wants to be part of the group that is playing and having fun, but is scared to let go and really just enjoy himself in case she would then be labeled his "girlfriend." He needs to keep up his constant "I don't like her" so no one will think he likes her.

Has anyone ever made comments about him liking her, or joked that they would make a cute couple, or teased him about having a girlfriend?

[wondertwins]

I'm thinking along the lines of eepster. Not necessarily that he's afraid of the boyfriend/girlfriend teasing, but rather that maybe he is interested in playing with her but doesn't know how to engage her without being noticed. The interaction you've described remind me of a child trying to get another child's attention, but not being direct.

I would try kicking the three oldest children outside or to a separate room to play, where they can maybe figure out a hierarchy or establish some way to play together without being under the watchful eyes of parents. Not at all saying you shouldn't check on them, but maybe he needs an opportunity to open up to her. Maybe there's a game your son really enjoys that you suggest he plays with your neighbors daughter and your other son. HTH

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by LauraLoo

Since there doesn't seem to be any big reason that your ds doesn't like or can't get along with this other girl, and you've given him other options so that he doesn't have to interact with your guests, I'd stick to that. I would tell him that these get togethers are going to continue and he needs to find a way to make the best of them.

And I would not allow him to be rude to guests. Period. In our home, there would be consequences for behaving rudely to our guests. I would not allow my dc's to sit in our company and complain or whine. It's one thing if there's something that's going on that he needs your help to sort through, such as a disagreement with the other child, but a completely different scenario if he's trying to make everyone else uncomfortable to get what he wants. He doesn't have to like this other girl, but I don't think it's an unreasonable request to expect that he will behave politely. He always has the option of disappearing to his room until they leave.

That aside, I would guess that his real problem isn't with this other girl. I think it might have to do with your close relationship with this other mom and the fact that the other siblings enjoy each other so he just feels left out. Just a hunch.

I agree with this. If my dd behaves rudely to a guest then she is no longer allowed to be in the same room with our guests. I think you should also talk to him about what constitutes being done with something. I don't allow kids in our home to take something just because someone put it down for a minute to get something else to include in the game or to use the bathroom. If a kid says they weren't done with something within about three minutes of putting it down then I require the other child to give it back. Fair game applies when they first get there and after several minutes have passed with something not being used. It doesn't apply to right after someone puts something down.

[mbhf]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I agree with this. If my dd behaves rudely to a guest then she is no longer allowed to be in the same room with our guests. I think you should also talk to him about what constitutes being done with something. I don't allow kids in our home to take something just because someone put it down for a minute to get something else to include in the game or to use the bathroom. If a kid says they weren't done with something within about three minutes of putting it down then I require the other child to give it back. Fair game applies when they first get there and after several minutes have passed with something not being used. It doesn't apply to right after someone puts something down.

I definitely remove him from the situation when he acts like this. But it happens every time they are over when he's home. When someone puts something down or walks away from it in our house, they are done and the toy is fair game. This is our rule, he knows it's our rule and he does wait until she appears to be done with it, but when he goes and gets it she wants it back (generally, it seems, because he has it) and he doesn't seem to have a genuine desire to have the toy. In the specific situation I was thinking of, they had been riding the wheely bugs for a while, she got up and walked away. So he got on both of them and just sat there/scooted around very slowly which is about all you can do when trying to ride two wheely bugs. So, obviously, riding on both of them is not very fun, but he didn't want her to have one either.

Originally Posted by eepster

Has anyone ever made comments about him liking her, or joked that they would make a cute couple, or teased him about having a girlfriend?

Hmm. I don't *think* anyone has made comments about her being his
"girlfriend" and that is something that would really bother me. She does like to sit very close to him (or did, she doesn't get much of a chance anymore) which I hadn't really thought about, we get together so rarely when he is home (until recently) that I had kind of forgotten about it. I did have a conversation with her mom a while ago and she said she is very "interested" in older boys, likes to sit right next to them and follow them around. But again, it was a while ago and I hadn't really thought about it until you brought this up. Thanks for the insight.

[philomom]

Find him a playdate at someone else's house. Don't quit seeing your friend but don't let your child feel like like his needs are being ignored. Something about that kid bothers him.. that's good enough for me not to throw them together too often.

[cschick]

Originally Posted by mbhf

Hmm. I don't *think* anyone has made comments about her being his
"girlfriend" and that is something that would really bother me. She does like to sit very close to him (or did, she doesn't get much of a chance anymore) which I hadn't really thought about, we get together so rarely when he is home (until recently) that I had kind of forgotten about it. I did have a conversation with her mom a while ago and she said she is very "interested" in older boys, likes to sit right next to them and follow them around. But again, it was a while ago and I hadn't really thought about it until you brought this up. Thanks for the insight.

You say he's in public school during the year? 2nd or 3rd grade? He's at the age when all the "cooties" crap starts, when boys who willing hang out with girls their own ages (at school) start getting labeled negatively. He could be carrying the effects of that behavior home.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by mbhf

She is one of the only people I trust to watch my children should an emergency arise, and I am that same person for her, so I would really rather not just cut off contact because my oldest child doesn't like her oldest child. I am certainly not forcing or even asking that he play with her, just that he not treat her poorly.

I think this is really important, and something to impress upon your 7 yo.

We've had times crop up when my child wasn't getting along with my friend's child, but friend and I were the major support people for each other. I always explained from the point of view of FAMILY, not friends. These friends are "family friends"...they are like cousins....you don't always get along, but they aren't going anywhere

It is your ds's job to be kind and respectful. It is your job to be sure that HE is also being treated with kindness and respect (no teasing about girlfriends, or whatever).

Start with communicating to him "I know you can treat X well. I know you can make respectful choices." Then role play some situations that bother him and have him practice making respectful choices.

When he does something annoying, but correcting it would seem like nitpicking (like hogging both ride-on toys), ignore as much as possible and redirect. "Who wants popcicles!" Sometimes I just pull out something really cool (bucket of legos, roll of paper on the floor) and start working with it myself, and soon everyone is doing the new thing around me. Then, strategically position them on opposite sides of you.

Having him have separate playdates for a break is also a great option, but he also needs to learn to deal with this family friend being around sometimes.

[VisionaryMom]

If he's only like this with this girl, then I'd look into why. Something is happening, and it seems more productive to address it than continue on the same path.

At the very least, I would cut down contact. I would be pretty ticked if my husband had a friend whose partner I didn't like, and they were at my house 3-4 times a week. On top of it, I was supposed to go to my room and shut the door all of that time. I would feel that my husband wasn't respecting my needs or wants in my own house. I don't see the need to be with anyone that many times every week, so I'm sure you could cut back without any problems. Alternately seek out other places to meet up with them or let your son invite a friend over.

[LVale]

Oh my does this bring back memories. My best friend (she is now my cousin in law), both of our youngest were 3, her dd and my ds. Anyway they could not stand each other at the time. But our oldest children got along very well. There is no way we would have broken up our friendship because our kids could not get along. We both talked to them etc. seperated them, you name it we did it. They just did not like each other. This lasted for years. And guess what? When they were in their late teens, and were dating their future spouses, they became best friends! Now they are both 29, my son has 2 sons, and best friends dd is the godmother to my youngest grandson! And both couples take a yearly vacation to Vegas together! And best friend is still my best friend, well now it is one happy family, after 26 yrs. So out of anarchy, came harmony! How weird is this? Just goes to show you never know what will happen.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

I would be pretty ticked if my husband had a friend whose partner I didn't like, and they were at my house 3-4 times a week.

I was not very fond of DH's BFF's wife (exwife now,) but I was always reasonably nice to her.

Learning to get along with people, who you need to spend time with do to circumstance even if you would never have forged friendships with them other wise, is a basic life skill. One doesn't get to choose one's co-works always, and one typically spends 8 hours a day with them. I spend time each week sitting outside DS's gymnastics class chatting with the other moms and dads, we all have to get along.

One gets to choose one friends but one often needs to spend a lot of time with other people as well.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

If he's only like this with this girl, then I'd look into why. Something is happening, and it seems more productive to address it than continue on the same path.

I agree. It sounds like something has happened that was a big deal to him that seems silly to you.

Also, how many of the kids are boys? Is this a whole house of females doing female things and he is the only male while daddy is deployed?

I think pushing his feelings aside and telling him to be polite might miss something important going on with him.

[mbhf]

Originally Posted by cschick

You say he's in public school during the year? 2nd or 3rd grade? He's at the age when all the "cooties" crap starts, when boys who willing hang out with girls their own ages (at school) start getting labeled negatively. He could be carrying the effects of that behavior home.

He's in Montessori school, so mixed ages, and this could be so. He's picked up a lot of things at school over the past year that I was hoping to avoid until he was mature enough to just ignore it.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I agree. It sounds like something has happened that was a big deal to him that seems silly to you.

Also, how many of the kids are boys? Is this a whole house of females doing female things and he is the only male while daddy is deployed?

I think pushing his feelings aside and telling him to be polite might miss something important going on with him.

My three oldest are boys and my youngest is a girl, my neighbor has three girls. I don't think much of what we do is really female oriented, though, my house is pretty much gender neutral, we don't really have "girl" toys I guess since I only have one girl and she's only 19 months old. We spend very little time at the neighbor's house.

Look, I'm not pushing his feelings aside. I posted here hoping people would have some advice for how to deal with this but mostly for insight into what might be going on. I have gotten some advice and I am thankful for that but it's really frustrating to have so many people jump on me and say I'm ignoring his feelings or not respecting his needs. He has friends over that are *just* his friends. I wouldn't allow my other kids to be rude to his guests, and I'm not going to tell him he can't have *his* friends over because one of my other kids doesn't like him etc.

VisionaryMom, I don't send him to his room when they are coming over. I do not expect him to sit back in his room and shut the door while they are here. I give that to him as an option because generally going into my room to watch tv is a special thing, it doesn't happen often and he usually quite enjoys it. He also enjoys playing with legos or reading in his room on his own, and the girls are not allowed in his room or my room, so those are two places where he can go to be away from the 5yo if he so chooses. I give him plenty of notice that they are coming over. I am addressing this issue. I have spoken with him about it several times, and I have asked for advice, both here and amongst friends. Up until now it has not been an issue because we generally see the neighbors during school hours, but summer vacation is approaching and so is the birth of my next child (and my neighbor is going to be my childcare if needed during the birth and a major support person in the weeks after the birth) which is why I am looking for more advice here now.