what to call a no name foster child - Page 2

[htcamommy]

Originally Posted by Smithie

" for that poor girl. But whatever horror she's facing in her life that got her pg way way too young, hopefully her choice to do safe haven will keep Addilyn permanently shielded from it.

And wow I've heard every theory by friends and family, on how she got pg. I think the leading one is molestation by a father, step father, uncle, or moms boyfriend, followed closely by insest with a brother or cousin. The perverted male teacher comes up from time to time. I like to think that she and some boy her age did the deed, she was scared and hid it from her parents, gave birth at home, wrapped her up in a towel, and brought her to the fire station. I don't understand the need for others to come up with the worst case scenario's. My mom is the worst. She keeps saying "Watch that baby, she might be inbred". Tell me the comments go away!

[Polliwog]

I would stop having the conversation with friends and family. It's a violation of the baby's privacy and really is just speculation that will have no value.

[Smithie]

I think it's human nature to speculate about the origins of babies left on doorsteps - and if this were MY safe-haven baby, I'd want the family to get it all out of their systems before my dd was old enough to have any chance of understanding the conversation. I'd probably need to spend some time myself having "daymares" about the circumstances of the pregnancy, just as part of the process of working through it.

But. Nobody needs to be talking about "watching out" for the baby to be "inbred." We have a huge social taboo against incest, and I'm in general agreement with that on moral grounds, but one generation of reproduction between close kin is statistically very unlikely to cause problems. If your relatives need to work through this verbally in an insensitive manner, then let them do it amongst themselves.

I think it's pretty likely that they will get over it at some point, once they've bonded and the placement is permanent. A newborn baby is such an amorphous proto-personality, it's kind of hard NOT to project your hopes/fears/anxieties onto them. I certainly did it with all three of mine, and I know for darn sure how they were conceived and birthed

Someday, you may be able to find our what happened. Addilyn may decide to look into it when she's grown up. Or she may decide that she doesn't need to know.

[Polliwog]

While it's human nature to speculate, it's not ethical to talk about the child's background with people who don't have a real need to know. That fact that the OP shared information about the child's mother probably being young is a breach of confidentiality. And it opens the door to discussions of possible causes.

[RedOakMomma]

OP

One thing I've learned in my admittedly short experience with adoption is that you need to model how much information you're willing to discuss, how you're willing to discuss it, and what is/isn't acceptable. People will only go as far as you let them.

I know it's uncomfortable (really ), but put a stop to the incest discussion and all the gossipy speculation. Let people know you don't appreciate the speculation. Be clear that it is absolutely no one's business but your daughter's and her family's, and that this kind of gossip could be very, very hurtful to Addilyn someday.

People may gossip on their own, but they'll do it less once they know they won't get silent permission from you to engage you on the subject or quiz you about your feelings on the matter.

For our daughter, we've gotten used to saying "it's her story, and it's private." When people raise their eyebrows, expecting or imagining some awful story, we've said "it's nothing out of the ordinary, but it's her story to share as she sees fit."

Another thing we've said that works is "It's nothing out of the ordinary, but her parents just weren't able to parent her." For some reason that seems to soothe people and get them to shut their mouths. As soon as they hear there's no sad/tragic/awful story behind dd's adoption placement, they seem to lose interest.

The truth of the situation, yours too (probably), is that there are all kinds of ordinary, awful reasons why moms and dads can't parent. Most of them, to us, are pretty sad and tragic. But to the casual gossiper, or grocery-line quizzer, they're looking for the Dateline NBC story behind it all. They want to hear the nitty gritty. Once you tell them it's "ordinary," they assume whatever seems "ordinary" to them and usually let it pass. I find that most people assume it's just a young mom who got pregnant accidently and wasn't able to be a parent. And really, that works.

I don't know what will work in your situation, which is certainly unusual to most people and must inspire a lot of curiosity...but do try to calm people down and set an example of the kind of privacy you'd wish for Addilyn. Best of luck to you.

[Smithie]

"That fact that the OP shared information about the child's mother probably being young is a breach of confidentiality."

... is technically, legally correct, but also completely freaking crazymaking. The OP is supposed to present her own mother with a newborn baby that she didn't give birth to but is hoping to parent, and refuse to share whatever she knows of basic information such as "who gave birth to this baby?" Seriously? That would not produce very good results in my family, I tellya what. Certainly it would not serve to quiet prurient speculation.

I understand that it's all up in the air legally right now, but I don't why protecting Adilynn's "privacy" by not sharing whatever is known about her experience of her coming into care with her grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. would be any kind of path that the OP wants to go down. The approach that RedOakMama suggests is what's appropriate for neighbors and teachers, not for a child's extended adoptive family. Jeesh.

(I'm sorry if we're dragging this thread off-course, OP, and obviously you know your own family and can discern how best to deal with them. For ME, in MY extended family, I know that if the ugly scary stuff doesn't get aired it will fester endlessly. So that informs my approach to information-sharing.)

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by htcamommy

And wow I've heard every theory by friends and family, on how she got pg. I think the leading one is molestation by a father, step father, uncle, or moms boyfriend, followed closely by insest with a brother or cousin. The perverted male teacher comes up from time to time. I like to think that she and some boy her age did the deed, she was scared and hid it from her parents, gave birth at home, wrapped her up in a towel, and brought her to the fire station. I don't understand the need for others to come up with the worst case scenario's. My mom is the worst. She keeps saying "Watch that baby, she might be inbred". Tell me the comments go away!

The worst case scenarios are upsetting with such a sweet little girl in your home. At this point, all that matters is that no matter what happened or how scared the mother was, she still cared enough to use a safe drop off at the fire station so her child could have a chance at finding a family to care for her.

[arb]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

:Be clear that it is absolutely no one's business but your daughter's and her family's, and that this kind of gossip could be very, very hurtful to Addilyn someday.

As could this publicly available thread, right? Unless Addilyn is a pseudonym. It's a very unusual name.

[htcamommy]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

OP
Another thing we've said that works is "It's nothing out of the ordinary, but her parents just weren't able to parent her." For some reason that seems to soothe people and get them to shut their mouths. As soon as they hear there's no sad/tragic/awful story behind dd's adoption placement, they seem to lose interest.

The truth of the situation, yours too (probably), is that there are all kinds of ordinary, awful reasons why moms and dads can't parent. Most of them, to us, are pretty sad and tragic. But to the casual gossiper, or grocery-line quizzer, they're looking for the Dateline NBC story behind it all. They want to hear the nitty gritty. Once you tell them it's "ordinary," they assume whatever seems "ordinary" to them and usually let it pass. I find that most people assume it's just a young mom who got pregnant accidently and wasn't able to be a parent. And really, that works.

I absolutly love this!! I'm am officially highjacking this from you and its my new answer. Mine was "we don't really know" and I think that would leave the door wide open to speculation. I think trying NOT to say anything but saying it wrong was the problem. And to answer pp Addilyn's name is spelt very different and her "last name" hasn't been included. That being said however I should be more careful concerning postings. I really do appreciate that you pointed this out to me (no sarcasm, I really do).

[marsupial-mom]

I know a little girl named Addilyn. Not sure of the spelling but it's more common than some people here think it is.

I like RedOak's idea about saying "it's nothing out if the ordinary" because that's true and it helps quiet people. I've been saying "I'm not legally allowed to share that information" and people argue with me about that! They say, "I won't tell anyone". Sp frustrating!

I've been annoyed by some peoples comments, like the OP. People have asked, "what if his father is schizophrenic?" and more. I'm really offended! I feel like people just blurt out all their own excuses for why they're not involved in caring for needy children.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by Smithie

The approach that RedOakMama suggests is what's appropriate for neighbors and teachers, not for a child's extended adoptive family. Jeesh.

Actually, no. Every family needs to decide for themselves how they want to approach the topic, but this is not something that's just appropriate for teachers, nor is it something restrictive we've created ourselves. The approach we're taking is the one suggested by several social workers, all of our adoption classes, and almost all of our reading (everything from books to articles to Adoptive Families Magazine).

One of the things I've read, and been told, by adult adoptees is that it was often hurtful to them that everyone seemed to know all their business, their story, before they did. People, as you know, are incredibly rude with their questioning about adoptees and adoption...not just grocery store clerks, but neighbors and aunts and cousins and the rest of the family.

Imagine this scenario. We are close to our families, and we tell them the whole story behind dd's adoption. Now, as much as I love my family, I know that they're not always perfect at discretion. Later on let's say my SIL is talking with her best friend, whom she trusts, and her best friend asks about dd. SIL tells her the story.

Let's say my nephew, age 7, overhears. Or SIL's friend tells her kids, because they asked, and the next time SIL's kids play with her friends kids, the story is discussed.

Now let's say that those kids, or my SIL's kids, are playing with dd. Kids are kids, and they start in on the story and what THEY know. "Your mommy didn't want you!" or "I heard your REAL daddy's in jail!" or "My mom said that your real mom dumped you on a sidewalk" or "Your mommy had to give you up because your daddy was mean to her" or "your real mom had sex with her uncle!" any number of gossipy, awful things.

It's an ugly game of telephone.

Is it best that dd's story comes from us, at age appropriate levels, or is it best that the story is wide-open to the wider family, and able to bounce back to her at any time in any way? Once the story is out there, it's out there. I've heard first-hand accounts of adopted children and teens being horribly hurt by the occasional insensitive slips of cousins, drunk uncles, shaming grandparents, and snippy aunts. Some people use information like that as power, or to hurt a person. Some people are just sloppy with details, or with chosing whom they tell. Either way, the nitty gritty details behind dd's adoption are not the business of my sister, my in-laws, or any of the grandparents.

Our social workers, and the classes we took, were incredibly liberal about adoption, adoption rights, and open adoption. But one place where they were conservative was with the privacy of adopted kids. Their story is THEIRS. They decide how much they want shared, they decide how much they want to tell, and they decide when they want to tell. Not just with teachers and neighbors, but with family, too.

Some of the nosiest questions we've gotten have been from our sisters and brothers, and even from our parents. They want to know the story...and they especially wanted to know it before they really knew dd. We set the limits, told people that it was dd's story, that it "wasn't anything out of the ordinary," and we haven't heard a peep about it since. They know dd, they love her, and I don't think any of them give a second thought to their first curiosities about her story. Now the questioning seems to come from neighbors, friends of our kids, and the like. And of course, we're not sharing there.

Dd's story is protected. It's hers. It's in her lifebook, and she's learning it. In the privacy of our own home, we talk about it openly with her whenever she has questions. I am so glad that she won't be able to stumble into some adult version, or exaggerated version, or twisted version of her parents' story...it's impossible, because we haven't shared it.

I don't know why it's anyone's business what hurt and tragedy occurred to separate a child from her parents. Goodness knows people think they're entitled to know, but they're not. People follow the lead of parents when it comes to boundary-setting. If you give them the impression they can ask anything, they will.

[Diane B]

implications later on

I wanted to take a moment and address another angle: what happens when your daughter is older.

Fortunately, you have older children, so it's probably easier for you to imagine this than it was for us, but now we have a six year old adopted daughter, not a baby. Believe me, she does NOT want me yacking away about her birth family to others, including extended family. She has certain facts that she feels comfortable sharing, and others that she doesn't. I'm so glad that we didn't widely share, because now she gets to be in control of who knows what about her family. Yes, people speculate, sometimes in rude and inappropriate ways. You really have to just be firm with them. Come up with a pat phrase or two and stick to it - ROM had some great ones. I also like, "That's not something we talk about outside of our immediate family." Remember: before long, your daughter will be old enough to hear you answer and will take cues from you about how it's ok to have boundaries.

Some of the questions you mention in your original post are completely beyond the pale, IMHO. I would not tolerate those kind of rude comments. The old saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," comes to mind....