Women in family unsupportive -I'm drained. Update -Post 16

[laughymama]

I'm tired of explaining the positives of homebirthing to my family 100 times a visit. I'm tired of feeling like I need to 'prove' my fantastic and loving midwife's capabilities. I'm tired of explaining why I don't feel safe or cared for in a hospital with a doctor. I'm tired of trying to help people understand things that seem like common sense to me and my husband.
I'm tired of explaining why the epidural was awful for me the first time and why my son's birth was traumatic when to everyone else it seemed very happy and fun. I'm tired of trying not to step on anyone's toes or attempting to present my feelings in a way that doesn't make them all feel insulted.

I'm just..done.

I've been so patient and I've gritted my teeth, smiled and nodded pleasantly. I've listened peacefully to all the stories about how, "Beth/Sara/Jane was so lucky to be in the hospital because her water broke before her contractions were even hard enough so they HAD to get that baby out before it died."
I've nodded and smiled and tolerated it all.

What gets me is that it's all SO passive aggressive. No one says outright, "I don't think what you're doing is safe or normal." That drives me nuts. Just...freaking say it, don't waste time beating around the bush and then pretending like you're supportive and understanding. I get they're just trying not to hurt my feelings but seriously..you can't get anymore obvious than they have at this point.

I'm just don't with it all. Instead of hearing, "This is something you can do! You will do this! It will be amazing and you CAN do this." all I get is, "Are you sure? You can't get an epidural at home, you know...."

I don't have a single woman in my family who is confident in the process or my body or me. I really can't place blame on them.
This is totally foreign to them and for them birth is something you just have to endure and scream and cry through and then afterward talk about how awful it was.
I know they're not actually insulting me...but I just feel...discouraged. I didn't expect this. I thought they could at least support me emotionally and say, "Yeah you can do this!"

I have 3 very close female friends who are very supportive and understand why we're homebirthing. They also LOVE it. So there's that. I DO have women who are behind me.
It's just hard that the women I look up to and the women who raised me and are like sisters to me are not in this at all. I wanted to be surrounded by them but anymore I just feel depressed around them. I really have a great respect for my aunts, grandmothers and mother. They're wise and loving and they made me who I am. They're all so strong. I just imagined I would have this group of older women behind me. Instead I feel a bit abandoned at the most sacred time when I need them.

I'm an adult and I shouldn't feel like I'm a baby. I do though. I need my mom and my aunts! I need mothers!

In a way it makes me more determined to have them see the joy that birth can be. I'm more eager to share the experience with them so maybe it will change their outlook...even just a tiny fraction. I'm honestly ready for them to all stop thinking I'm totally batty.

I'm sorry for complaining. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster for me emotionally so sometimes I get to a point where things just feel too hard.

You ladies here have my deepest respect and love. You really do give me strength when I need it and can't find it here at home.
So thank you for that.

I just need to remind myself that I have a beautiful, motherly midwife and my friends behind me to support me. I know they know I can do this and they're looking forward to it.

It's just hard at times.

[cathicog]

I am sorry you don't have any supportive family members. Sometimes it's just like that, and one has to substitute. I am glad you have a great midwife and supportive friends. I am sure you will do fine with your homebirth, then you can say, see, I did it, even though you thought I couldn't. And then, you might just have to not say anything to your family, cuz they might still be negative. As you have grown, maybe you are seeing how ungrown they still are. It happens sometimes. Sometimes you have to let it go and leave them in thier world. That's sad, but true.... best blessings on your birth though, Homebirth rocks!

[karen1968]

I'm so sorry your family is not supportive of your choices.

It doesn't seem like they will change their minds, but perhaps you can get them to stop talking to you about it? I envision telling them something like, "I understand that you don't agree with me, and perhaps you even think I am nuts for even considering birthing this way. But I KNOW this is what I want and what is right for me. I KNOW it is safe and will be a powerful experience. I know you don't agree. But what I need from you right now is to feel your support of my choices. And if you can't give that, then I really need you to not talk to me about the birth anymore. Because every time we talk about it, and you undermine my decision and my choice, it is very stressful for me. And right now I need less stress in my life, not more. I love you very much, but I can not have this conversation with you anymore."

I don't know you or your family, so I don't know if this approach would work. But I do hope you find a way to make interaction with your family less stressful

[candelaria80]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I think most everyone that chooses home birth has someone who disapproves and doesn't mind telling you. We were pretty lucky because the people we really cared about were very open, except MIL. She was very much against "her grandbaby" being born at home. She means a lot to my husband and I so it shook us a bit. I really wanted her to be a part of the experience, but I would never jeopardize my birth experience to appease her.
In the end she did come around. DH and I showed her "The Business of Being Born" and it opened her mind enough to at least keep her mouth shut and let us birth the way we wanted. We also made an effort to include her, she attended a couple midwife visits and was there for an ultrasound we had. She was also there when DD was born and after she was so proud of us and impressed by the midwife. She was also shocked that DD latched right away because it took all of her hospital born boys a few days to.
I hope some of the ladies in your life open their minds and begin to trust your decision, but I am happy that you do have a great group of friends around to support you.
Good Luck!

[shishkeberry]

You can do this!

[babycatcher12]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. We've only told a select few in our family we're planning a homebirth and sometimes I'm sorry we've even told them. My mom "says" she's supportive, but will inject little comments into our conversations that are very passive aggressive. It's driving me nuts. She wants to be at the birth so that she can take care of the big boys "in case anything bad happens or it's harder than you think and you have to go to the hospital". Grrr!

You (WE) can do this!!

[dannic]

[QUOTE=karen1968;15486044] "I understand that you don't agree with me, and perhaps you even think I am nuts for even considering birthing this way. But I KNOW this is what I want and what is right for me. I KNOW it is safe and will be a powerful experience. I know you don't agree. But what I need from you right now is to feel your support of my choices. And if you can't give that, then I really need you to not talk to me about the birth anymore. Because every time we talk about it, and you undermine my decision and my choice, it is very stressful for me. And right now I need less stress in my life, not more. I love you very much, but I can not have this conversation with you anymore."/QUOTE]

This is so well put! I was so worried about negative comments bringing me down tht I didn't tell anyone for the first 7 mos when I had my first HB. This time around, I haven't gotten any comments--well, except for one from MIL about never having twins at home because she'd be so worried...

Don't worry, we just won't tell you...

[at_the_hip]

FWIW, although it may not help right now...once it actually happens then the comments, etc. seem to stop quite quickly.

[sharr610]

While our birth experiences are so important to us and, in my mind, they should be, they are but a piece of the mothering experience we share with the other moms in our lives, our own moms included.

Don't write off these ladies that obviously mean so much to you. I agree, its such a shame that they can't be on the same page with you on this journey, but it sounds like they mean enough to you that there will be lots of other things along the way you all will share in. When the talk turns to the birth, change the subject as to how your other DC is going to deal with being a sibling, life with 2 kids, etc, etc. It might give them a way to feel like they still have an impact on your experience of motherhood and it might remind you why you love them so.

. Good luck, mama, and may you have a beautiful homebirth that they brag about to all their friends afterwards .

[S.Elise]

You CAN do it. Some people need to believe things that are contrary to evidence and reason because it validates their own experiences...most of the things people are saying to you aren't about you at all, but more about the speaker working through her own issues. Unless the person speaking has just finished a new study about the safety of home vs. hospital birth, there's just not much of an argument that your decision is not a reasonable one.

At this point, you have made your decision and you just need to tune them out. Good luck! If I could do it, I think you can to.

[donutmolly]

Sorry you're having to go through this. It was terrible for me when my mom was so unsupportive of my homebirth -- and it really shut down that relationship for awhile -- which was sad because I did feel like I needed her to be there for me when I was about to experience this monumental event.

But, in the end, after I had an amazing homebirth (and now have had 3 total!) we have such a renewed closeness. She still doesn't love the idea of homebirth, but better understands my choices and would never say anything disparaging in my presence...

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by karen1968

It doesn't seem like they will change their minds, but perhaps you can get them to stop talking to you about it? I envision telling them something like, "I understand that you don't agree with me, and perhaps you even think I am nuts for even considering birthing this way. But I KNOW this is what I want and what is right for me. I KNOW it is safe and will be a powerful experience. I know you don't agree. But what I need from you right now is to feel your support of my choices. And if you can't give that, then I really need you to not talk to me about the birth anymore. Because every time we talk about it, and you undermine my decision and my choice, it is very stressful for me. And right now I need less stress in my life, not more. I love you very much, but I can not have this conversation with you anymore."

This. You need to feel supported, confident, and strong right now. I'm so sorry that the women you love so much can't support you. I know it hurts. Maybe it's time to lay down some healthy boundaries when it comes to discussing your birth, your body, your choice. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. You know you're doing what's best for you, so let the fears of others roll off your back. The support would be nice, yes, but you don't truly need it. It's not about them.

Don't be afraid to aggressively protect your headspace from unnecessary doubts and negativity. A gentle "I need you to be supportive of my choice. If you can't do that, we can't talk about this anymore" goes a long way. It's entirely possible that your loved ones haven't realized just how much their naysaying is bringing you down.

P.S. You can do this. You will do this, and it will be an incredible and empowering experience, like nothing you've ever done before. I'm so excited for you!

[To-Fu]

This is something you can do! You will do this! It will be amazing and you CAN do this.

Seriously.

And this is genius advice:

Don't be afraid to aggressively protect your headspace from unnecessary doubts and negativity. A gentle "I need you to be supportive of my choice. If you can't do that, we can't talk about this anymore" goes a long way. It's entirely possible that your loved ones haven't realized just how much their naysaying is bringing you down.

[thenaturefreak]

I am glad to hear that you do have friends to support you. It is frustrating when those we love and look up to just don't get it.

I think it is great that you are opening this whole new world to your family. My oldest sister went through this with her first. She has had home births with all 4 kids now and continued following a more natural lifestyle. It opened up a way for those of us who have followed her. Because of her example I have had two home births and am planning on my third. I breastfeed and cloth diaper. Plus many other things. Like her, you are a pioneer and are not only setting a great example but making it easier for those in your family who will deal with the same things later.

[phathui5]

Have you considered having a doula? A doula's job is to mother the mother, during pregnancy, birth and postpartum.

[laughymama]

Thank you so much for all the encouraging and kind words. It's really helped me out a lot since I originally posted. It's been a rough week and I've come back to this thread many times to get some perspective.

I discussed it with my midwife and her apprentice and it led to a really great discussion. They were very helpful and have given me SO much emotional support. I'm definitely feeling better about things.

My friends are going above and beyond with their support. They have now gone into cheerleader mode and they catch me when I begin to feel or speak negatively about things. They've been great and I think it's really going to bring such a positive glow to the environment at the birth.

I think you guys are right. My family is simply caught by their own hangups and I really don't think they realize how much their comments are impacting me. I plan on having a long talk with my mom and really kind of having a heart to heart with her about it and then doing the same with the rest of the women in my family who I am close to.
I think it will help out a lot.

I'm beginning to realize that they are very well intentioned. They love me and their concerns, even when voiced in a negative way, really are out of love. Some of them simply don't understand and I think it makes it hard for them to offer support. I'm hoping after talking with them it will help things become a bit more peaceful.

My husband has also begun to voice his encouragement more. (He's not really a 'talker' normally.) So it helps to hear the extra positive comments on a regular basis.

Thank YOU all. I would have never even been exposed to homebirth and the joys of it all if you all weren't here. Now that I'm actually doing this, your encouragement is truly transforming me. Thank you so much.

Just a few more weeks until my first homebirth!!!