Failed Termination of Parental Rights Attempt

[BabyMamaPhD]

Hi everyone,

I posted a couple of years ago when I was pregnant and received lots of amazing feedback and support. The summary of my story is that I dated a man for 6 months, got pregnant, decided to have the child, and he disappeared the minute I announced that decision. He lives in the area. We are both college professors in a reasonably small world but do not teach at the same school, thankfully.

I recently attempted a TPR in Connecticut. The court (after the social worker and court-appointed lawyer voted to deny) has denied my petition on the grounds that paternity has never been established. The process itself was incredible humiliating. There is so much sexism built in under the guise of the "child's best interest."

I want to write more, but I was hoping someone has some insight or experience. The thought that the father can just decide when and where he can enter a child's life is so unsettling. If I die, and he takes a sudden interest, where does that leave my son, her older brother, who loves her deeply? I want my sister and her husband to raise her if something happens to me. I am beside myself.

[cheer mom]

would he be willing to establish paternity as long as it can be terminated? I can understand the courts stand--you can't terminate something that doesn't exist. I can also understand your side, as well. What did the court suggest?

[BabyMamaPhD]

The court didn't suggest anything. It seems that this is a loophole that allows bio fathers to acknowledge or ignore their children whenever convenient. I think I should be able to have a paternity test ordered. If I file for child support, they will order one. Also, if I put my daughter up for adoption today, they would terminate his rights as part of the process. It's a blindspot that keeps us at his mercy.

[Theia]

I'm sorry to hear that. Is he not listed on the birth certificate, is that why paternity hasn't been decided? Does he have rights ordered through the courts right now? I don't have any suggestions really, but I am on my own journey of attempting a TPR. Different state though.

Do you have a will that clearly states who your children would be given to should you die?

[Avani]

Ok i don't know about your state but maybe you could use this info to find out. In CA if a parent does not attempt any contact or pay any support In a six month period the custodial parent can file abandonment. Maybe try that!

[BabyMamaPhD]

Thanks for the replies. No, he is not on the birth certificate and insisted that I never contact him once I committed to keeping the baby. I filed under abandonment and failure to have any relationship, both grounds for termination, but apparently because he never acknowledged paternity, his rights can't be taken away. Essentially, the court is saying that he has the ability to step in whenever he sees fit but cannot be held accountable until he comes forward (unless I file for child support).

I need to see a lawyer but didn't want to spend the money when it seemed pretty obvious. It's a pretty lousy system.

[cheer mom]

well, like I said, you can't terminate something that doesn't exist. I definately think you need an atty

[SoulCakes]

It seems to make sense to me. I wouldn't have much of a case, for example, if I picked a guy off the street and said I wanted to terminate his rights to my child. There's no legal evidence that's he's the father, so what is there to deny?

I do sympathize with your frustration, though. It seems like you should have a paternity test ordered so you can establish paternity and then go from there. Or - and I'm not sure if this is an option - can you have him sign away his rights (I'm not sure if he'd have to admit paternity first in some legal sense)? If he doesn't want you to contact him regarding your child, then he may be eager to sign it all away legally so he's completely off the hook, child support-wise and however else.

Good luck. It sound frustrating.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by BabyMamaPhD

because he never acknowledged paternity, his rights can't be taken away...(unless I file for child support).

That's maddening. There definitely are loopholes like that in the law. The way they're resolved is by people spending a fortune and years of their lives appealing things until you get in front of the right judge and set a precedent for more reasonable rules.

It sounds like the easier way, for you, is to contact this guy (or have your attorney do it) and notify him that you plan to file for child support - which will entail him being forced to undergo a DNA test. But you'd be willing to drop it if he will sign whatever he needs to sign, to acknowledge paternity and then sign away his parental rights.

If he is as commited as you say, to not including himself in your baby's life, it would only be sensible for him to take the path of least resistance. Sure, if he signs away his parental rights he has to acknowledge that he has them, that he's a parent. But who would know? If he goes the other route, he'll still be forced to acknowledge paternity, but he'll also have a hefty new financial obligation and will be pressured to exercise visitation, which he could potentially be found in contempt for failing to exercise. There's only one logical choice for him to make, given those options.

[BabyMamaPhD]

What's frustrating is that if I wanted to give my daughter up for adoption, the court would move forward with the termination without the regular proof of paternity. The alleged father would have 60 days to establish paternity. He gets a certified letter if his address is known. If not, the child's name goes in the paper. If he does not respond, he forfeits his right to make future claims. Why does my family have fewer rights than an adoptive one?

[BabyMamaPhD]

Thanks, Jeannine. I sent him an email saying that we could resolve it and also reminding him that he is on the hook until his signs his rights away. He never responds. I think he will not do a thing until I file for support, which I don't want to do.

[Avani]

Oh i forgot about that. Here you can only file for abandonment or the termination if you have another person available to adopt. So that if something happens to you the other person automatically becomes their legal guardian. Any chance you could refile with a person willing to adopt as the other guardian?

[Jyotsna]

This is absolutely maddening! And sexist. And that if you were relinquishing rights to the child for adoption, then you could do it. Totally wrong, and yet, unless you get an attorney involved, you can't change this. I think if you emailed him and he didn't respond, an attorney will get his attention. He will automatically need an attorney if you move to get a paternity test. Then, he may be willing to do it, establish it, and then relinquish his rights. He is ignoring his obligation, and THAT should be against the law.

It makes me sick!

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by BabyMamaPhD

Thanks, Jeannine. I sent him an email saying that we could resolve it and also reminding him that he is on the hook until his signs his rights away. He never responds. I think he will not do a thing until I file for support, which I don't want to do.

#1- People often respond differently to attorney correspondence than to email from a "regular" person with whom they've cut off a relationship. In this case, an attorney's involvement would show that your ex's "on the hook" status is actually something to worry about; that you're actually taking steps. Moreover, an attorney would draft and send him the papers he needs to sign, so responding would require no initiative on his part, as opposed to your emails. Furthermore, it's quite possible that between your wording and your ex's knowledge of your personality, he picked up on the fact that you don't actually want/intend to pursue his parental obligations. If there are no potential consequences for his inaction, what would motivate him to change the status quo?

#2- Why are you so reluctant to file for child support? Are you concerned that he'd start getting involved with your daughter just for spite?

[SamiPolizzi]

Wow. That's terrible.
I'm in pretty much the same situation (legally, anyway.) And I hadn't even considered this possibility. I've already spoken to a lawyer. He's writing up a will stating that if I die my DS is going to my sister and BIL. I asked about terminating parental rights and he said he'd have to consult another lawyer who specializes in family law. I still haven't heard back from him.