I'm not sure where to put this but it seems more of a spiritual thing so I'm putting it here.
This started years ago like 17-18 years ago when I fell head over heels in love with a young man just a few years older then me, we had an intense psychic bond that I can't explain that endures today even though its not as strong as it once was. We've been good friends since we decided to go our own ways but like all friends we've had periods when we didn't talk for what ever reason. Only twice was over hurt we caused each other. He's a friend I can not imagine ever not being in my life yk? We tend to be right on the edge of more then true friends but less then lovers, were each to the other that one person we can show our true selves, no barriers, no lies, nothing. Well one night we crossed that boundary that we hadn't in so long. AF was due like the next day or 2 so I didn't worry about birth control to be honest. I was so stressed out from work (facing layoff and severely reduced hours when I'm a single mama on my own) so I didn't notice AF never showed up since I was so preoccupied. Finally a month later I realized I couldn't remember when AF last came and thought no way! Yep, pregnant. My friend didn't take it so well even though I assured him I wanted nothing more then our friendship to continue and didn't want child support or anything (I'm a SMC so it didn't even cross my mind and the thought of him wanting to be daddy kinda scared me since I rather like being an SMC and didn't want to deal with daddy drama or rather his family's drama) and I was worried about losing my friend over this.
Anyway, long story short, he freaked out and I ended up losing the baby. I felt really hurt over how he reacted and we didn't talk for 3-4 years even though I missed him terribly at times I was just too hurt (we did end up reaching out to each other when not doing so became literally physically painful to not do so which is a story unto itself). I won't go into all the details but getting pregnant was pretty terrifying to me for a number of reasons and I thought I didn't really want anymore. After the m/c I did a lot of thinking over the next couple of years and finally realized that yes, I did want another baby. I really don't think this would have come about if it hadn't been for the baby I lost. It really triggered a lot of deep contemplation on what I wanted in life. I finally decided to go for it and have another baby with a sperm donor. That baby is now 4 years old. She is so much like my friend its kinda scary, a couple weeks ago he was over here being his usual goofy self and a few days later my dd started doing the same exact thing, same mannerisms and words as she did it. I busted up laughing at her copying him but then it occurred to me, she wasn't here when he was, she's never seen him do his goofy/silly act which is unique to him (seriously, it is). Even my older one has never seen it, its something he only does when were alone. She really is so much like him its kinda scary.
Anyway he called me this morning whining
that I missed his 40th birthday on June 1st (seriously, he just wanted attention, there was no real hurt), an event that proves how awful a friend I can be because in all these years I don't think I have ever remembered it but I'm really bad with birthdays in general. I apologized and then something occurred to me that never has before, I missed his birthday in large part because I was busy spending his birthday celebrating my dd's 4th birthday, the baby who never would have come about if it hasn't been for that one night years ago that led to a lot of pain and later the decision to have a baby that became her. Kinda ironic that she ended up being born on his birthday and has his personality.
Makes me wonder if that baby I lost came back to me, gives me hope that one day my son might return to me too..
End of woo woo post
fwiw, I sent my friend a txt msg a little bit ago telling him "Thank you, and no, I won't elaborate
" I've thanked him before for her and I will continue to do so because out of that pain came a child I cherish
This started years ago like 17-18 years ago when I fell head over heels in love with a young man just a few years older then me, we had an intense psychic bond that I can't explain that endures today even though its not as strong as it once was. We've been good friends since we decided to go our own ways but like all friends we've had periods when we didn't talk for what ever reason. Only twice was over hurt we caused each other. He's a friend I can not imagine ever not being in my life yk? We tend to be right on the edge of more then true friends but less then lovers, were each to the other that one person we can show our true selves, no barriers, no lies, nothing. Well one night we crossed that boundary that we hadn't in so long. AF was due like the next day or 2 so I didn't worry about birth control to be honest. I was so stressed out from work (facing layoff and severely reduced hours when I'm a single mama on my own) so I didn't notice AF never showed up since I was so preoccupied. Finally a month later I realized I couldn't remember when AF last came and thought no way! Yep, pregnant. My friend didn't take it so well even though I assured him I wanted nothing more then our friendship to continue and didn't want child support or anything (I'm a SMC so it didn't even cross my mind and the thought of him wanting to be daddy kinda scared me since I rather like being an SMC and didn't want to deal with daddy drama or rather his family's drama) and I was worried about losing my friend over this.
Anyway, long story short, he freaked out and I ended up losing the baby. I felt really hurt over how he reacted and we didn't talk for 3-4 years even though I missed him terribly at times I was just too hurt (we did end up reaching out to each other when not doing so became literally physically painful to not do so which is a story unto itself). I won't go into all the details but getting pregnant was pretty terrifying to me for a number of reasons and I thought I didn't really want anymore. After the m/c I did a lot of thinking over the next couple of years and finally realized that yes, I did want another baby. I really don't think this would have come about if it hadn't been for the baby I lost. It really triggered a lot of deep contemplation on what I wanted in life. I finally decided to go for it and have another baby with a sperm donor. That baby is now 4 years old. She is so much like my friend its kinda scary, a couple weeks ago he was over here being his usual goofy self and a few days later my dd started doing the same exact thing, same mannerisms and words as she did it. I busted up laughing at her copying him but then it occurred to me, she wasn't here when he was, she's never seen him do his goofy/silly act which is unique to him (seriously, it is). Even my older one has never seen it, its something he only does when were alone. She really is so much like him its kinda scary.
Anyway he called me this morning whining
that I missed his 40th birthday on June 1st (seriously, he just wanted attention, there was no real hurt), an event that proves how awful a friend I can be because in all these years I don't think I have ever remembered it but I'm really bad with birthdays in general. I apologized and then something occurred to me that never has before, I missed his birthday in large part because I was busy spending his birthday celebrating my dd's 4th birthday, the baby who never would have come about if it hasn't been for that one night years ago that led to a lot of pain and later the decision to have a baby that became her. Kinda ironic that she ended up being born on his birthday and has his personality.Makes me wonder if that baby I lost came back to me, gives me hope that one day my son might return to me too..
End of woo woo post
fwiw, I sent my friend a txt msg a little bit ago telling him "Thank you, and no, I won't elaborate
" I've thanked him before for her and I will continue to do so because out of that pain came a child I cherish
