How to best handle dd1 grabbing from younger dd

[UrbanSimplicity]

I am getting so frustrated with dd 4yo grabbing things from younger dd 2yo. I've gotten her to "ask" if she can have the item in question, but as she's asking (and often as the other child is saying "no") she is simultaneously taking!

We've been "talking" about this since my younger dd was old enough to hold small objects. And it's getting worse. What really gets me is when my younger dd has an interesting, independent idea of what she might like to do (using mama's hair brush this morning) then older dd suddenly thinks it's a fantastic idea, and commences with the grabbing.

Mostly I:

-tell dd she needs to ask for a turn
-tell her she might have to wait a few minutes if the child says 'no'
-suggest she asks to trade a toy - usually resulting in something like "Lily, here - you take this one" Grab!

As far as getting the item back, sometimes I've had to semi-chase her (i say 'semi' because i refuse to humiliate myself chasing my giggling fleeing 4-year old around the back yard) and then return the object to the original child, but this feels so micro-manage-y......

oh - and what about "but I had it FIRST!!!!!! because she played with the doll sometime earlier that morning.

Need help with my negotiating skills, Mamas! Like, actual words!

TIA!

[FatherOf2]

lol. That was funny. lol.

With our 3yo daughter and her 4yo cousin, my sister and I have tested the following:

Intervening by correcting the grabber: Usually, this just resets the behavior as they will simply do it again as soon as the idea hits them.

Intervening by telling the possessor to share: We feel this is actually a bad precedent as demanding sharing isn't exactly sharing.....

Letting them figure it out: Luckily, although her cousin is older and taller, our daughter is stronger and more sure footed (providing a roughly even physical scale) so, sometimes, they are met with some pretty amazing physical resistance in the form of not letting go. This tends to generate an expression of shock on the face of whoever the grabber is, followed by an emotional outburst. We've noticed that these outbursts are short and almost the second they end, the possessor will give the item over. Neither one of them has ever hit each other but they have unintentionally swung one-another down in the non-mutual attempt at item exchange. What's funny is that seems to be the lesson that sticks the longest as neither one want to have that happen again. The grabber will start asking for items more often, the rest of the visit.

Both of our kids are equal parts in this and one never gets ahead in terms of positive outcomes. To put it simply, we've taught both of them the importance of sharing, it's up to them to figure out the application process in real life. (there are, of course, safety limits we use in this approach)

As far as a 2 and 4 year old... If the 2 year old is able to understand possession and communicates verbally, perhaps a trial run of letting them figure it out might be worth a shot? Those ages are tough but who knows. Your older daughter might feel empathy for her sibling without your intervention. At this point, if you are reacting 100% of the time, she might equate the behavior with a way to gain your attention. Also, you never know, your 2 year old might make a stand, providing yet another lesson all the way around.

Just our experiment on handling a similar issue. Good luck!

[mom2grrls]

4 is still young to be on board with sharing. Do they jave a lot of shared toys? Perhaps have a special box for the 4y/o that her sister cannot touch, it may help a bit. When the taking is going on you could say to her "you want that toy" (calmly) when she turns to you just remind her how to ask and maybe gently put your arm around her so she can't just grab. it will take some time and some close sticking by.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by UrbanSimplicity

-tell dd she needs to ask for a turn
-tell her she might have to wait a few minutes if the child says 'no'
-suggest she asks to trade a toy - usually resulting in something like "Lily, here - you take this one" Grab!



TIA!

Everyone has different ideas on this.

But, in my house I don't let the other kids try to negotiate for a toy. If one child has it, the other child just doesn't. No negotiating at all. When the first child is done with it, he or she will put it down, but right now she has it.

There are plenty of other toys to play with. Two year olds have short attention spans, they aren't going to keep it forever.

I think teaching a four year old that she can find a nice way of hijacking a toy from a two year old is just telling them they deserve it more... you just have to take it away without making her scream.

My husband does this to me with the TV. If I am watching something, and he comes in, I have to give it up to him.

[UrbanSimplicity]

Thanks for the food for thought.

As far as letting them work it out, I'd love to, but younger (and much more laid-back) dd is always getting the short end of the stick. I usually give them a few extra moments to see what direction things move in.....hopefully as the get older I'll be able to give more time and space. There was the one time older dd hollered from the next room, "Mama, Lily is biting my nose. . . and I can't get it back!"

I think I might try to restate our family's policy as nextcommercial suggested. That does seem to make more sense, after all if someone is holding something, they are indeed still using it. Obviously, the older child will always have better negotiating skills in the "just ask for a turn" scenerio. Maybe this will be a more clearly defined limit for this young age.

We do have a lot of shared toys, as both money and our 500sq foot home dictate. But I do not think that is the problem in our case. My older dd often feels entitled to the few things that clearly belong to younger dd, like her new dolly and stroller that were repeatedly "negotiated away" on dd2s birthday, hours after she'd received them!

More thoughts would be appreciated