Dealing with resistance from family

[clutterwarrior]

How do others deal with family members who resist throwing things away?

I felt stopped in my tracks this morning, because DH started telling me he didn't want me to throw out things we have paid for that are useful..

However our problem is of course that we have way too many useful things! I was trying to explain that I am not going to throw away anything that I will definitely want to use, but unless I get rid of some 'useful' things we are always going to be surrounded by clutter.

He also tends to hoard stuff under the house...in his workshop...'just in case' and so I am realising it is not just my own demons I have to deal with.

Just wondering what approach others take to deal with resistance, what magic words for example you use to win them over?

[zoebird]

i can understand his impulse, to be honest.

i look at something and go "i would hate to get rid of this, because i can use it, and i might use it one day. . ." and so on. it's true. it's there. it's part of the "reuse" part of green living. LOL

but here's the thing. in order for something to actually be useful, it has to be *used*.

so, if you have smething that is not being used--even if it could be used--it is not useful.

but here comes the cool part: it could be very, very useful to someone else.

lets take something ridiculously mundane: jars.

in general, jars are very useful. but if you have a whole room full of empty jars, then they are not useful. in fact, they are making something un-useable--that whole room! think of what you could do with that room if you weren't storing jars in it? the *room* could be useful!

but, what about a person who just moved into your neighborhood from nigeria. this family is a refugee family and they have no family support, no money, and just the support of the refugee organization and a church. they buy spices in bulk--as they would in nigeria--but have no jars to store them in!

they go looking for jars here, there, everywhere. jars cost $1.50 each, and they need 50! that's $75 they do not have!

You have a room of unused jars, that makes the room useless. they have a room and loose spices and NO JARS.

Yes, those jars are *useful*--not to you, but to *that nigerian family.* so, you go to that family and you say, come and help me move these jars out of my room. you get a useful room, they get useful jars--and everything is used.

and, some things can be sold. so you get some money back from those things--if you choose to sell them rather than giving them away.

[clutterwarrior]

That is a really good way of looking at it thanks Zoebird.

I also fight with the urge to keep something just because I have paid for it, and also because it may be useful. However I recently have become much more ruthless about getting rid of things in my quest to have space...and I hadn't realised that while I have been making a new mindset, I haven't shared that with him so he is still stuck in that mode of thinking that we need to hold onto to things in case of whatever...

He says he wants the place to be clear but I guess he hasn't really connected the dots that the way to do that is to get rid of things.

I have told him I will sell what I can if it's likely to go for a good price and if it is worth spending the time selling, otherwise I will give it to a good cause, like for example I am thinking of donating lots of coloured paper to the local preschool.

[Vancouver Mommy]

OMG I feel your pain. My kids are loathe to get rid of anything. Sometimes I can appeal to their generous nature by saying the toys are going to babies that don't have any, but sometimes that doesn't work either.

DH on the other hand is impossible. We are preparing to move in ten days and I am on a decluttering spree. Here is a partial list of the things he would not let me get rid of:
- a copy of Windows 95
- two discs containing a Monopoly game that is not compatible with any computer we own (and seriously, computer Monopoly?)
- a repair kit for a carseat we no longer have
- a huge box of VHS tapes (obsolete media is a bit of a theme here)

I suppose it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme, but he just doesn't share my love of getting rid of junk!

[zoebird]

i knew a 5 yr old who loved arts and crafts. i had a whole bunch of supplies (i like to use kiddie supplies and make cards out of construction paper and glue and magazines. i'm weird. i know.), and i needed a new home for them.

she not only got my supplies, btu the bins they came in. how thrilled was she? she was so psyched. she loved all of my glue (i have a thing for glue--glitter and glue, white glue, big globby glue. i just love glue. you can do a lot of things with glue.). her mother told me that her daughter also believes that one can never have too much glue. it is so true. LOL

anyway, totally happy kid.

DH and i also gave away a lot of his action figures. what we couldn't sell, we gave to the children's hospital. *lots* of happy kids because they had more new toys (seriously, he kept them in the boxes--so they were new). everyone was happy.

[zoebird]

and vancouver mommy: off with his head!

lol. obsolete media. how amazing.

[justmeandmybrood]

SO happy I am not alone! My issue is that DH has had a new job as well as concurrent military schooling for the past year since returning from 15 months of deployment abroad, so for basically over 2 yrs since the declutter has hit me, I have been on hold for the bulk of our things.

His school has ended this week, and I am so anxious to begin, but I feel that the time will never arrive, and he is not seeing the clutter like I am around here.

My 1st grade son is easier to declutter than my DH, lol! Add to things that in 10 months we are moving ourselves locally AND in 4 months we are adding baby #3 (without much space, so Mommy is nesting and decluttering and I think driving my dear, sweet husband crazy!

Please keep us updated on any tricks that might work for your husband - I for one am ALL ears!

[BreatheMama]

I struggle with my dh and 4yr dd as well. So for now I have been focusing on all my positions and basic household stuff no one really notices. But as the things are dwindling my dh "collections" are more apparent. Clothing is by far the worst for him, honestly he has about 100 T-shirts,no joke. Also I've noticed migration of dh's clutter to the shed. At least I dont have to see it everyday and perhaps when it is solely his responsibility to deal with, it may be more apparent, the need to let go. Perhaps less holding on to things just to be oppositional?

My 4yr dd, is a different story. I really think at that age they have difficulty separating their identity from their things. I use a multi-faceted approach. At time we can go through things together and let go. But much of the time I have a get rid of box (some donate, pass on, or sell/trade) and daily I add to it. We aslo have a collection to give to other friends that dd helps with.

It really is an interesting process, how long will the purge go on, I have worked through so many areas and it just doesn’t stop. The difference in my home's appearance is tangible and it inspires me to keep going...uncluttered, calm, restful, comfort

[zoebird]

we did a purge today. so crazy, since we have so little, but there it is.

this is going out: a table (to be fixed tomorrow and sold this weekend--with luck!); too many yogurt containers and egg cartons (luckily, we have a recycling point for these--we keep some for DS to play with, as well as a few to store things, because we are transitioning to home made yogurt in glass jars anyway); and then the relevant accounting paperwork is going to our accountant (we filed what needs to be filed, compiled what needs to be compiled. luckily, taxes here happen every 2 months, so it goes frequently).

what is coming in? a few jars for the yogurt, a desk and shelves and chair from work that will fit into a nook where DH can have a writing space.

otherwise, we made the decision last week to "live in the japanese style" while waitching a japanese movie. we like sitting/eating/such on the floor. we love traditional japanese style homes with little to no ornamentation and clean, wide open, multi use spaces.

we have wanted to live like this since we were 24 and 20! what took us so long? it's great.