I have a terrible relationship with my DH's entire family, and I'm sick of trying to make things work and I can't cut them out. I really don't know what to do at this point. I am not prepared to take sides between DH and my in-laws, and I’m not posting this to get into a conversation about what my husband should have done/needs to be doing. I’m posting this under “personal growth” because I am exploring what I can do to make this situation tolerable. I can only control my own behavior.
DH has always resented his parents. He is the 4th born out of 8 and was completely lost in the shuffle; I know, because I met him when I was 11 and he was 12 and I watched him grow up. I have a lot of respect for all the work my MIL’s done over the years...but DH was missed. He never connected with his family and he's pretty hung up on that.
It took me a few months after we got married to realize that DH had no intention of ever visiting his parents, or calling them, or responding to their emails or anything. I was embarrassed by his behavior, but at the same time I could see where he'd been hurt and needed some time and space to heal. I tried to keep up the correspondence with the MIL on my own, but she accused me of getting between her and her son and trying to keep him from contacting her. I didn't really want to get involved and explain that he was avoiding her intentionally, so I just kept quiet.
Ever since then, it's like I can do nothing right. My MIL made up this wild story about how we were trying to subvert the young people away from her husband's church and got my FIL to believe that I hated him and wanted to see his life's work destroyed, and she talked to all my old friends at their church most of them won't talk to me anymore.
I put up with all of this for two years, during which time DH decided that he didn't want his parents to have his address anymore and moved us forty miles away from them without telling them we were moving or anything. That really upset my MIL, so she responded by showing up at our house three times without calling or anything and demanding to be let in. It was like she was trying to prove to him that he couldn't escape her or something. She was so weird when she came over, too. She would kiss DH on the mouth and hold his hand while giving me this weird look (and I know mouth kisses are acceptable in some families, but they don't normally do that kind of stuff in DH’s family at all).
I tried one last time to fix things up between them after that by inviting them to our son's birthday party last year. They literally sat around and gossiped about me with the other guests through the whole party. Not only that, but my MIL started gossiping about my mom, too. My mom has tried to stay out of this whole mess but she was absolutely furious after that; she had friends at the party, too, and they were all totally confused by my MIL's behavior and wanted to hear the whole story....which no one except my MIL wants to talk about.
MIL hasn't even taken an interest in my son, her grandson. When my husband called her to tell her that we were expecting (which I had to force him to do) her response was "Oh." I invited her to his welcome-to-the-world party, where she gave us a birthday card, and at his birthday party the next year she gave us a single baby outfit....size 6-9 months. She had it professionally wrapped and made a big deal to the other guests about how it was pure wool, etc, etc, but she didn't include a gift receipt and pretended that she hadn't heard me when I tried to ask where she'd purchased the adorable baby outfit, etc. Of course it's possible that it was a mistake...but after raising 8 kids you'd think the woman would know that a 12 month old baby isn't going to fit into 9 month old clothes, right?
As I see it, all I can do is try to protect myself and my son from this lady's anger. I am not planning to invite her to any more family events in the foreseeable future, and I have told my husband that if she tries to contact us or shows up at our home again it is going to be 100% up to him to deal with it. Basically, I guess I just intend to divorce myself from my husband's family and accept that at weddings and other special family times I will be left out and my husband will have this little side part of his life where he has a family that I'm excluded from. It hurts and it's weird and uncomfortable, but I don't know what else to do. I can't talk to MIL or any of the other family members; they just won't hear me out. I’m just nervous because I want to do what is best for my son, and my gut says that means keeping him away from his grandmother…but it sounds so wrong to deprive him of family, even if they are crazy. Any thoughts?
DH has always resented his parents. He is the 4th born out of 8 and was completely lost in the shuffle; I know, because I met him when I was 11 and he was 12 and I watched him grow up. I have a lot of respect for all the work my MIL’s done over the years...but DH was missed. He never connected with his family and he's pretty hung up on that.
It took me a few months after we got married to realize that DH had no intention of ever visiting his parents, or calling them, or responding to their emails or anything. I was embarrassed by his behavior, but at the same time I could see where he'd been hurt and needed some time and space to heal. I tried to keep up the correspondence with the MIL on my own, but she accused me of getting between her and her son and trying to keep him from contacting her. I didn't really want to get involved and explain that he was avoiding her intentionally, so I just kept quiet.
Ever since then, it's like I can do nothing right. My MIL made up this wild story about how we were trying to subvert the young people away from her husband's church and got my FIL to believe that I hated him and wanted to see his life's work destroyed, and she talked to all my old friends at their church most of them won't talk to me anymore.
I put up with all of this for two years, during which time DH decided that he didn't want his parents to have his address anymore and moved us forty miles away from them without telling them we were moving or anything. That really upset my MIL, so she responded by showing up at our house three times without calling or anything and demanding to be let in. It was like she was trying to prove to him that he couldn't escape her or something. She was so weird when she came over, too. She would kiss DH on the mouth and hold his hand while giving me this weird look (and I know mouth kisses are acceptable in some families, but they don't normally do that kind of stuff in DH’s family at all).
I tried one last time to fix things up between them after that by inviting them to our son's birthday party last year. They literally sat around and gossiped about me with the other guests through the whole party. Not only that, but my MIL started gossiping about my mom, too. My mom has tried to stay out of this whole mess but she was absolutely furious after that; she had friends at the party, too, and they were all totally confused by my MIL's behavior and wanted to hear the whole story....which no one except my MIL wants to talk about.
MIL hasn't even taken an interest in my son, her grandson. When my husband called her to tell her that we were expecting (which I had to force him to do) her response was "Oh." I invited her to his welcome-to-the-world party, where she gave us a birthday card, and at his birthday party the next year she gave us a single baby outfit....size 6-9 months. She had it professionally wrapped and made a big deal to the other guests about how it was pure wool, etc, etc, but she didn't include a gift receipt and pretended that she hadn't heard me when I tried to ask where she'd purchased the adorable baby outfit, etc. Of course it's possible that it was a mistake...but after raising 8 kids you'd think the woman would know that a 12 month old baby isn't going to fit into 9 month old clothes, right?
As I see it, all I can do is try to protect myself and my son from this lady's anger. I am not planning to invite her to any more family events in the foreseeable future, and I have told my husband that if she tries to contact us or shows up at our home again it is going to be 100% up to him to deal with it. Basically, I guess I just intend to divorce myself from my husband's family and accept that at weddings and other special family times I will be left out and my husband will have this little side part of his life where he has a family that I'm excluded from. It hurts and it's weird and uncomfortable, but I don't know what else to do. I can't talk to MIL or any of the other family members; they just won't hear me out. I’m just nervous because I want to do what is best for my son, and my gut says that means keeping him away from his grandmother…but it sounds so wrong to deprive him of family, even if they are crazy. Any thoughts?
