Because everyone else is doing it.

[nina_yyc]

I went to a my friend A's DD's 5th birthday and although I know one day of crappy food/toys/licensed characters etc is not a big deal, this kind of thing raises some questions for me.

We will probably never have the same amount of 'stuff' that DD's friends have. Part of this comes from our values, and part of it is because we are cheap and our values are a good excuse to not buy stuff

Half of me wants to give in to the culture of 'stuff.' I was that kid who never had the right thing in my lunch and never had the right clothes and didn't watch TV. It was no fun being the weird kid.

The other half of me wants to see exactly how much I can get away with. DD had a wonderful time at her small, homespun 3rd birthday party. So far she hasn't seemed to notice that everyone else lives in a bigger house and has more toys. Occasionally there will be something that she really wants and since it isn't often, we usually get it. If asking for stuff becomes a problem, I am planning to use discussion at family meetings and/or give an allowance to address it.

How have you handled being a simple living family in a mainstream culture? What do you tell your kids about it?

[Tigerchild]

I think you handle it simply by being honest and *compassionate*.

We don't have cable, never will. We limit screen time to a couple of hours on the weekend (though you'd never know it with how DC go on and on about Star Wars and Mario games). Before we entered a choice program that required us to switch schools--our house is literally one of the least valuable houses in the neighborhood school. Everyone else at the bus stop, literally, lived in a McMansion. Our choice of after school sports/activities are limited, mostly because of the school commute, but also because of cost.

All of my DSes' best friends are in the Boy Scouts. Hell, all my favorite school moms are involved in Boy Scouts--but we can't be because I will not allow my children or my $$ to participate in an organization that would exclude my gay and lesbian papa/mama friends from participating with their kids or kick out gay teens. Let me tell you, that's a real uncomfortable question to answer, both from your kids AND from your friends, when they say "But how come you don't want to join?" because frankly most of them are horrified at that policy too and it's just uncomfortable all around. I mention this because it's the Boy Scouts that really impressed upon me the need to be firm yet compassionate. I think people who tell their DC that they live according to their family values and then that people who don't share them are bad (or give that impression) do their kids a disservice in the long run.

So how I handle these things with my kids (and with people who ask me questions, after I have asked them if they want the social-polite answer or the truth) is to say that our family has a lot of different values and priorities. Some things are very very high up on my and DH's priority list (such as non discrimination against GLBTQ folks). Other people might share those values but they have other things that are higher on their list (like boycotting corporate characters, or no processed foods). It's okay for people to have different priorities than us. That's an individual choice for each family, that should be respected. Lots of times people think that if you have different priorities than them that means that you think less of them--so you need to tell them flat out that's not so. We don't rag on other people's choices--we don't need to, since what they do or don't do has nothing to do with our own choices.

It's worked pretty well so far. I've been proud of how my children have lived out our values so far, and responded in compassion and still are able to make friends who have different priorities. I think it's helpful that they've seen it modeled though. I enjoy my beloved friends from very diverse political and religious and social viewpoints. And we have a strong church and social community of folks that share very very similar priorities to us.

I think it's best to talk honestly as questions arise or you anticipate them, but *without* being derogatory towards others. The problem with that approach is the minute that your kids meet and/or love someone who disagrees with your priorities/values and they are NOT selfish/bad/mean/brainless/thoughtless then it turns you into a liar. It's a really fine line to walk.

[One_Girl]

I talk to my dd about being happy with what she has and my reasons for our rules regarding stuff, television, and gaming systems. We also talk about the differences between families and I point out that she has some things that her friends don't have so they are also jealous of her sometimes. There are so many different things that families get that it is very likely that you will be able to find something that her friends want but don't have or something she has more of than her friend. For some reason being this feels good to kids and it helps somewhat with the complaining.

[Learning_Mum]

I feel like it's a matter of compromise. Most kids will want to be more like their peers as they get older. Like you said, it's no fun being the weird kid. I guess it just comes down to figuring out how you can fit those things into your values.

For example (using the examples you gave from your childhood), the snacks for lunch, is it a really big deal to buy whatever treat is en vogue once a month for her to take in her lunch? The TV - usually it's one particular show that kids get fixated on, so could she watch that show but have limited / no TV time the rest of the time? The right clothes - could she have an allowance that she uses to buy them, or can she get the 'cool' clothes as birthday / holiday presents.

I think it's great to explain your thinking and beliefs and hopefully as your daugther grows she will agree with you, but I feel like we as parents need to remember that kids are their own people with their own values and if something is important to them we should find a way to compromise rather than just vetoing it because it doesn't go along with what we believe in. Obviously there are going to be exceptions, and parents do need to make decisions sometimes for the wellbeing of their children. Like, you're not going to let a 14yo drink just because everyone else is and your child feels left out.

I think it's important for kids to know that we value them for who they are and accept them for who they are, even if that doesn't line up entirely with what we believe.

[madskye]

I think it's better to think about what you WILL have or do than what you won't...for example, you will spend your time baking home-made treats with your kids, and perhaps 90% of the time they won't be looking for processed treats then...you will spend time with your children outdoors and doing xyz, and perhaps that makes 90% of the toy overload issue a non-issue in your home.

Don't focus on what you don't have or do in your home and I think it makes it easier for kids to have a stronger sense of family identity because instead of always hearing about what you don't want, they know what's important to your family.

DD is five. She loves Hannah Montana. I never thought I'd let that sort of thing in my home, but it doesn't feel right to make her feel "wrong" for liking something. But what I can do is give her plenty of other options and ways to spend her time.

[mamazee]

It is easy at 3, but I found that it got harder as dd got older and developed her own tastes and started really liking things I didn't like. At some point it started to feel wrong to tell her what she should be interested in and enjoy. We discuss things and why we have some different values, we find and develop relationships with families more similar to ours, though they're few and far between here, and we just take one issue and one thing at a time. We're open to compromise and listen to our dd's opinion, and work with her to find solutions that work for us and also where she is happy and feels heard and that her opinions and personal tastes are valid.

[cappuccinosmom]

Don't focus on what you don't have or do in your home and I think it makes it easier for kids to have a stronger sense of family identity because instead of always hearing about what you don't want, they know what's important to your family.

I was thinking along these lines too. I think some of the "want" in children is picked up from their parents. My parents had the income potential to provide all the "right" stuff for us as kids, and made some alternative choices due to their value system. I occasionally got some coveted item (slap bracelets!!! ) but as a family we were just not "in" the culture. I remember very clearly my elementary school years and angst about not having the right stuff was there, but not a primary issue for me.

My own children are completely clueless about popular culture. They've had a very gradual awakening to the concept of "cool" and we talk a lot about it when the subject comes up. It's a process of learnign and I'm sure we'll have to address it many times as they get older. But the main thing I am cautious about is my own attitude--Not to pine for things and complain that we can't afford them, or to make a lack of something desireable just because others have it. Instead I want to teach them that we choose not to have something, and we have specific reasons why.

[34me]

I have two teenagers and a "tween". My dd (oldest) LOVES to be the weird kid at 16. When she was younger she was clueless but now she has befriended other "weird kids" and it really is no big deal to her. My ds#1 at almost 14 has been harder. He likes name brand clothing and sneakers so at his age he gets mostly gift cards for gift giving occasions and then he needs to buget his funds along with what we would normally spend as a family. He really does get that for him (and us) it's a life style choice. He has a friend that gets more DVDs as holiday gifts than he gets gifts period. DS#2 at 11 is pretty clueless. He goes to a very small experiential school where you are just as likely to see a kiddo in a tutu as you are in name brand clothes.

We've just always said that "that is what is right for their family and this is what is right for ours"

[mtiger]

I think it all comes down to moderation, really. No one really wants to be "the weird kid", although some just are. To end up "the weird kid" due to someone else's dictates is even more difficult. You don't have to allow everything, in massive quantities. But I don't think it's wise to allow nothing, either. Teach your values when they're young, but allow them to make some choices of their own, too.

My grandmother used to say that all things in moderation are okay, while few things in excess are. And excess can go in either direction (all or nothing).

[nina_yyc]

I am wondering if my experiences as the 'weird kid' were compounded by the fact that it was not a conscious choice for my parents, they just were (are) culturally oblivious.